Just The Facts 9-15-09

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 9-15-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 9/8/2009

4:05 a.m. A Hungry Horse home was pelted with paintballs.

8:51 a.m. A home in Columbia Falls was shot with a paintball gun.
Hum...am I the only one seeing a pattern here?

9:05 a.m. A vehicle was found wrapped around a tree at the bottom of an embankment near the Hungry Horse Reservoir. No persons were in the area of the crash.

10:23 a.m. Someone found an abandoned personal watercraft on the river near Wagoner Lane. The craft will be moored at the individual’s dock until it is claimed.

10:41 a.m. A maroon vehicle was found submerged at the Abbott Bay boat launch on the Hungry Horse Reservoir. The owner of the vehicle has yet to be found.

11:39 a.m. Someone claimed to have found an open suitcase full of old clothes on Hubbard Dam Road. The supposed abandoned luggage turned out to be a pile of trash.
Again a pattern emerges. So Watson I deduce that we have an invisible paint balling bad boy on our hands I think it's Bigfoot

2:00 p.m. A mama bear and her two cubs exhibited normal bear behavior near the mailboxes on Lone Pine Road.
What? Checking the mail?

11:30 p.m. Someone at an apartment complex on Highway 2 East was splashed in the eyes with acid when an attempt to set off a bug bomb went awry.
RAID kills bugs DEAD!

Wednesday 9/9/2009

9:04 a.m. Nine cows wandered about on Highway 2 West. The cows were well within their rights to do so, as the area was open range.

12:05 p.m. A horse was repossessed on Seville Lane in Coram.
Now see this sounds like it should have been a scene in Blazing Saddles. Mongo repossess horse.

1:32 p.m. A teenaged individual knocked on a Shady Lane door, asking for money to help fund his college education. The resident, a welfare recipient, denied this request and in turn asked if the teen would lend him $10. Thats scamming the scammer
5:20 p.m. A car battery was reportedly lying in the middle of the road near an Evergreen box store.
Hey George I think we lost our batree.
Oh Hank we don’t need that thing. We done got it started.

5:38 p.m. An elderly male, heavy-set and sporting a white beard, was mumbling incoherently at a local convenience store. Authorities found the intoxicated man at the counter of the store, eating a sandwich and causing no problems.
Santa? Santa is that you?

10:10 p.m. A man and his children arrived home to find that all of the house lights had been turned on in their absence. The shady intruder turned out to be the children’s grandmother.
Gee I was betting it was Goldilocks.
Thursday 9/10/2009

4:20 p.m. Someone on Creekside Drive reports that a neighbor habitually sprays her children with a garden hose as they ride their bikes down the street.

When we were kids we called this fun!

4:52 p.m. Someone shot a propane tank on Hoffman Drive.
Someone isn’t very smart.

5:06 p.m. A cow stuck in a fence on Springcreek Drive extricated itself without assistance.7:57 p.m. A vehicle collided with a building on Highway 35 in Kalispell. Evergreen Ambulance responded.

Yeah the building usually has the right of way.

12:18 a.m. A deceased black bear blocked a road in Lakeside.
What did the bear die from?

Friday 9/11/2009

11:07 a.m. A resident of Stoner Creek Road claims that a neighbor “got in his face” and accused him of spreading rumors. Both parties were duly counseled.

I thought Stoner’s were mellow.
4:58 p.m. A dead bat mysteriously appeared on the porch of a Bigfork home. The concerned homeowner turned the body over to the responding officer.
Was it Batman?
Monday 9/14/2009

5:20 a.m. Boulders were strewn about on Harmony Road.
Giants been bowling again?

12:14 p.m. Someone called to report that the wires had been cut on the family computer. Come to find out, the parents had done the damage in order to revoke a 15-year-old son’s computer privileges.

Hum...this gives me an idea!

2:47 p.m. A suspected counterfeit $50 bill turned out to be real currency.
Yeah it’s been a while since I’ve seen a 50 too.

6:00 p.m. A llama ran amok in the Columbia Heights area before returning home.

Those Wild Drama Llama’s are on the loose again.

10:05 p.m. A resident of Martin City believes that three male individuals have been intruding into her attic. Authorities searched the home and found no signs of intrusion.
Bats in his belfry? What is a belfry anyway? I mean do we really need bell towers? If we do need bell towers should they have bats in them or hunchbacks? Geeze no wonder we don't have belfry's anymore.

10:38 p.m. A man in a tuxedo called to report that a female party, evidently the sister of the bride, was out of control at a Bigfork café. Authorities helped resolve the conflict.
Well at least they were a well dressed bunch of drunks.