There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 11-16-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
First I would like to take this time to review some National Police Blotters.
From the Washington Post:
By Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts
Washington Post Staff Writers
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia appear to have crashed the White House's state dinner Tuesday night, penetrating layers of security with no invitation to mingle with the likes of Vice President Biden and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.
Have you ever watched any of the REAL HOUSEWIVES shows on Bravo? Yeah those women have 10 inch nails and silicon chest armor. They can kick your ass. That is why no one challenged them, they were afraid of the fake cheerleader and her boy wonderless.
Next is a blurb from south Florida:
By Walter Pacheco, Orlando Sentinel
November 30, 2009
Tiger Woods pulls out of event; FHP says his blood still an 'option'
Florida Highway Patrol investigators have not requested a sample of Tiger Woods' blood from Health Central, but the golf star's medical records could become part of FHP's investigation into Woods'...
I will let Wanda Sykes give my response.
One of my friend's husband said that it was the worst Drive that Tiger ever made.
12:09 a.m. An assault resulted in an ankle injury on Airport Road.
Come back here I’ll bite your ankles!
10:10 a.m. A white sedan drove down Highway 93 with a deer head sticking out the back. Authorities found that it had been killed legally before being crammed in the trunk.
Was it legally crammed in the trunk?
11:31 a.m. Someone broke into a Shady Lane home and stole all of the reporting party’s medication.
Um, I had a little cough, and you had the good stuff.
14:21 p.m. Someone attempted to back their car over someone else in Happy Valley.
Someone wasn’t very happy in Happy Valley.
9:31 p.m. Friends of a man in Kila were alarmed to see numerous injuries on his person. The man was not suicidal but had in fact been participating in UFC fighting.
Did he look like Edward Norton or Brad Pitt?
11:52 p.m. One man threatened another in Columbia Falls, evidently over some sort of romantic woe.
8:49 a.m. An unlocked vehicle was stolen from North Riding Road. The vehicle later mysteriously reappeared.
Maybe they were just borrowing it.
9:52 a.m. A grinder was stolen from a tire shop on Highway 2 East. The victim suspects a former employee.
Maybe he had an axe to grind.
4:44 p.m. Suspicious bones were found near a Columbia Falls tourist attraction. The origin of the remains has yet to be identified.
Were they dinosour bones?
8:47 p.m. An alleged case of domestic violence turned out to be two drunken buddies trying to emulate UFC fighting in their living room. The supposed “victim” also had injuries from a previous bike accident. One party was taken to jail for probation violation.
Was he on probation for fighting?
8:03 p.m. A car that was stolen two days ago was found abandoned on Braig Road. The vehicle had been driven through a ditch and parked on top of a fence.
Gosh I hate it when my car gets stolen by a bad driver!
10:36 p.m. A middle-aged man in shorts and socks showed up at a home in Bigfork claiming that he was “the one who helps girls.” He soon realized that he was at the wrong house.
Was it Roman Polanski?
11:22 p.m. Three or four kids, several wearing blanket capes, were rifling through cars on Stag Lane. The vehicles turned out to be their own.
Holy Caped Crusader. Couldn’t they tell it was the Batmobile?
3:40 a.m. A woman in Lakeside called to report that a prowler had been outside her house for about an hour. Authorities couldn’t find any footprints but did notice that tree branches had blown onto the deck.
It was Super Bigfoot in the Bigfootmobile.
Now for the Joe Friday quote of the week:
Captain James E. Hamilton, Intelligence: Shotgun, extreme close range, double-O. Starkey was hit four times, first two cut him in half.
Sgt. Joe Friday: The second two turned him into a crowd.