Return of Just The Facts 11-16-09

Either nothing of consequence happened in the Flathead area over the last couple of weeks or I just broke my funny bone but it looks like it is on the mend.  So without further ado...

There are a million stories in the city.


Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")


The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 11-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)



Wednesday 11/04/2009

2:01 p.m. A Shar-Pei and a Pit Bull ran at large on Hidden Lane.
First of all could they run any other way? Have you seen the size of those dogs? Second of all I wonder if they were hiding?
5:20 p.m. Someone on Tamarack Lane in Columbia Falls reports that a bear has been eating the meat out of their outdoor freezer.
Now Yogi that’s taking it a bit far, I mean stealing my turkey out of my freezer.

7:11 p.m. A man in dark clothing and carrying a dark-colored bag wandered down the middle of Highway 93.
I see Johnny Cash is back again. “I see that train a coming…”



9:08 p.m. An injured deer on Hodgeson Road jumped up and ran away when a deputy approached.
Maybe it didn’t want to get caught in the headlights, or maybe it was playing opossum.




Thursday 11/5/2009

2:53 p.m. Someone and his girlfriend left an Evergreen family eatery without paying for their meal.
Well she said she was a cheap date.
4:14 p.m. A resident of Martin City reports that someone was running around their house and hiding in the bushes. The subject was described as wearing a puffy dress with long johns and pants underneath.
I know who it was.   It was the Tooth Fairy!

9:19 p.m. A drunk man went to the bathroom in the bushes outside an Evergreen fast food restaurant. Authorities responded but could not find the leaky man.
Did they follow the yellow trail in the snow?

Friday 11/6/2009

8:02 p.m. Two woman and a man attempted to steal thousands of dollars worth of items from an Evergreen box store. All three of them went directly to jail.
Did they pass go? Did they collect $200?

Monday 11/9/2009

3:09 a.m. Someone in Columbia Falls could hear voices outside but couldn’t see anyone in the area.
Was it Bigfoot talking to the Tooth Fairy?
10:01 a.m. Three goats are in the habit of wandering onto a neighbor’s property on Helena Flats Road.

Hum, maybe it was the Three Billy Goats Gruff or perhaps Nanny Goats In Panties and her friends.


10:48 a.m. Apparently, a man’s estranged wife has “half of the Valley” out looking for him with the intention to end his life.
Oh come on! Half of the Valley? What about Fred on the other half? I heard he is after you too.

Remeber the Mob scene from Young Frankenstein?

That is what I'm invisioning.

11:33 a.m. A resident of Gunsite Loop was chased into their home by a neighbor’s vicious dog.

See even the dog is after you.

3:43 p.m. After striking a mountain lion with their vehicle, a motorist requested information for an insurance claim.
Really? Do you think the mountain lion had insurance?

4:06 p.m. A man was seen sitting in his vehicle near a local convenience store with a hatchet on his lap. When asked what he was doing, he claimed he was just “killing time.”
He was just waiting to bury the hatchet in Mr. HalftheValley’s head.

Here's Johnny!

5:15 p.m. Someone lost their wallet and then later found it.

In his back pocket?

10:29 p.m. Authorities chased a man dressed in camouflage and carrying a rifle in Columbia Falls. The subject evidently fled when they tried to make contact.
Well there is another one after Mr. HalftheValley. I see a conspiracy theory brewing.

Tuesday 11/10/2009

8:41 a.m. A garage door on Valley Drive has been mysteriously opening when the homeowner isn’t around. Recently, part of a deer carcass went missing from the open garage.
Damn that Yogi!
1:18 p.m. Over one year ago, a theft occurred on Dun Movin Lane.
First of all Dun Movin Lane? Second of all a YEAR ago?

Thursday 11/12/2009

11:53 a.m. Obscene material mysteriously appeared on a computer at a local dive shop.
Gee honey, I don’t know where that video of Carrie Prejean came from.
12:32 p.m. Someone stole a deer head from the back of a truck on Parliament Drive.
Yogi, that’s enough. Go back to stealing pick-a-nick baskets!
6:24 p.m. Two juveniles fought at a local church while waiting for their youth group to begin.
Um, yeah, dudes, your like in church and stuff, shouldn’t you be acting Christian like?

8:52 p.m. Hazardous chemicals were splattered all over the photography dark room at the local college. The building was evacuated and the chemicals contained.
WAIT! People still use film?
10:25 p.m. A woman called, saying that she was lost in a field and didn’t know how she got there. She could not identify her location, but indicated that there was a fence nearby. The woman’s husband later located her and escorted her home.
Where is Mulder and Sculley when you need them?

Friday 11/13/2009
2:23 p.m. A man was separated from his mother-in-law while hunting on Blankenship Road. The woman turned up while a deputy was speaking with the man.
Again sounds like UFO activity.

4:45 p.m. A young boy spit on a 10-year-old girl. She responded by kicking him in the chin.
Been practicing your Karate again Mary Kate?
6:12 p.m. Someone on Many Lakes Drive reports that their 4-year-old has been seeing a man at his bedroom window at night. This claim is substantiated by footprints found in the dirt beneath the child’s window. Authorities will be following up.
Did he see a guy with a really big head and big eyes? NO? Then it was just Bigfoot.

8:00 p.m. A resident of Middle Road in Columbia Falls heard something hit his house. Though no damage was done, the reporting party suspects an act of criminal mischief.
Bigfoot or Aliens? You decide.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

"It's awkward having a policeman around the house. Friends drop in, a man with a badge answers the door, the temperature drops 20 degrees.

Now be careful out there...you never know where Bigfoot may be lurking.