Auntie V, Auntie V!

Remember I told you yesterday that my Nanny would be 99 this week if she were still alive? Well the day after her birthday is my Auntie V’s birthday. She is beautiful and wonderful and the sweetest person I have ever met. She is in her early stages of octogenarism and does not act nor does she look like it.

I can not begin to tell you what a wonderful role model this woman has been to me. You see I tend to prattle on, no really I do, anyway she would sit for hours on the front porch and listen to my tales. She would even encourage me and she still does to tell my stories and write my life. She and I would sit in the porch swing and she would listen to me spout my view on how life on the ranch was moving along. She would nod and smile and listen. No she would really listen. She would listen and ask me questions and applaud me when I used new words in the correct context. She encouraged me to nurture my imagination as she did hundreds of other children as their teacher.
She is the mother of my multi-talented and imaginative quirky cousins. She grew up the sister to Trooper Bob, bless her heart. Trooper Bob loves his sister fiercely and truly. He also loves to aggravate her. Now you might think that this duo would outgrow this childish behavior of little brother teasing older sister but it has not.

What you ask am I talking about? Well I will start with a story from their childhood.

May and Jack loaded their teenaged daughter, Vee, and their pre-teen son, Bob, into their 1938 Ford Sedan. They set out on their journey to see May’s family down in Bandera County. They had not been on the road long before Bob began pestering his sister.

He would poke her and pinch her and then turn on his innocent face as soon as his sister protested. Finally when he had her at her wit’s end he saw the perfect opportunity. “Hey Vee, look there is a Piggly Wiggly grocery store.” She looked at where his finger was pointing and said in her best teenage girl put down “so?” Bob shrugged and said “nothing, just thought you’d like to see it.” Vee crossed her arms and went back to starring out the window at the blur of fence post and barns. “Hey Vee,” Bob said “you know what?” She sighed turned and looked at her little brother and said “what?” Bob grinned his big ear to ear grin knowing he had the fish on the hook “did you know Piggly Wiggly had a sister?” Vee squinted her eyes and said “no he didn’t. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bob continued to grin and said “yeah he did. I swear. I know a girl who knows another girl whose dad knows the owner.” Vee looked at her little brother trying to gauge his sincerity and said “oh is that so? Well just who is Piggly Wiggly’s sister?” Bob reeled in his catch “her name is Hoggly Woggly.” This caused Bob to fall into hysterical laughter and Vee to roll her eyes and cry “Mother! Make him STOP!”

Now fast forward sixty something years. Trooper Bob, Nurse Meme and Vee decided to make a cross country trek in the motor home. They left their little city in the middle of west Texas and drove to Canada. They are traveling along and what do you think Bob asks Vee? She didn’t fall for it this time. So Bob waited until the time was right. He waited until he had the wiser Vee at a disadvantage. She was asleep on the fold out couch which had an air mattress. She was sleeping soundly and Trooper Bob sneaked out of his sleeping quarters and up to her bed. He flipped the valve open on her mattress and deflated her mattress with her still on it. Years had past since Vee and Bob’s mother had passed but she knew she still had an ally and so Vee yelled “Meme, make him STOP!”

She takes all of this teasing a pestering with grace. She moves through the world with a peace and a wisdom that I can only hope to achieve. So my dearest darling Auntie Vee I hope you had a wonderful day. I hope your eighty first year in this world will be full of fun and adventure and most of all I hope it is pester free from that pesky little brother.
I also must add I aspire to your heights of self awareness and peace.

Random Thoughts Gladys Style

My Nanny would have been 99 years old this week. Isn't she beautiful?

Why did people stop taking trains? Have you ever taken a train? I love it. I mean someone else drives while you drink.

Why is it when I come to the beach where it should be warm and sunny it turns cold and grey, yet back in Moaningtana it's sunny and warm? Am I responsible for the gloom? Like Pig Pen in the Peanuts cartoon it follows me?

We are picking up our toys and moving from one state park to another today because we are having to piecemeal our stay. What is a piece meal? Is it meal made from pieces? Pieces of what?

Which means that we will pull into a new park and a new slot and have 43,000 people come over and critique our execution of this act. Why is it people who have lived next door to you for 70 years and have never looked at you much lest spoken to you will as soon you buy an RV and enter an RV park will rush over to speak to you.

"Hello there, my name is George. Where you from?"

"George, you are my neighbor at home. We have been neighbors for 70 years. Remember me. I'm the one you called the cops because my dogs were peeing on your rose bushes."

Go over and Visit Mrs. 4444 over at Half Past Kissin Time for more Friday Fragments.

Trooper Bob and His Girls

Trooper Bob had moved to the Houston Area. He left his family behind in order to make a living. Gladys and Matilda packed their suitcases and awaited the trek to visit for their summer vacation. They talked about all the things they would and could do.

Trooper Bob arrived and spent the weekend puttering in his garage, sitting in his favorite recliner and listening to his youngest daughter prattle on for hours about whatever was on her mind at the time. Sunday afternoon arrived and the girls kissed their mother goodbye loaded their suitcases into the trunk of the big blue Belvedere. Matilda, just obtaining her learner’s permit, climbed behind the wheel, Trooper Bob took the shotgun position and Gladys lounged in the 40 feet of backseat all by herself. They headed out of town with a stash of Frito’s and candy.

Trooper Bob promised the two girls a trip to the beach. Matilda and Gladys, although they loved the water, had never set foot on a beach. They had never seen the Gulf of Mexico and most definitely had never swum in salt water. They didn’t know the dangers that lurked in the murky waters. Jaws, the movie, had not been released so the term “great white” meant nothing. He told them of daily rain showers and lush green yards that don’t have to be watered. He told them of a city full of bright lights and all night grocery stores. They listened to his stories eyes wide and thinking he must be extending the truth.

He occasionally would direct Matilda to pull to the right and allow the car behind them to pass or to pull into the local Sinclair station for a fill up. The trip went pretty smooth until they approached the outskirts of the big city. Matilda had never seen so many cars on one road at one time. Trooper Bob remained calm and talked her through traffic until the threesome arrived at his home away from home.

The girls were impressed at the size of the city but the most impressive thing was that he lived in an apartment complex. It was huge and had a swimming pool just outside his door. There were lush green plants all over the grounds and strange flowers that the girls had never seen before. Trooper Bob got his daughter’s settled in and explained the rules. They could go to the swimming pool while he was at work, but that was all. There were not allowed to walk around the neighborhood or leave the apartment complex. They obeyed these restrictions happily knowing that in a couple of days they would be taken on their very first outing to the beach.
The day finally arrived and the group loaded up the big blue Belvedere with lawn chairs and beach towels. They stopped and bought big floppy hats to screen their already bronzed skin from the seaside sunshine. They arrived at the Port Bolivar ferry to await the trip across the gulf to the island of Galveston. Matilda chauffeured her little sister and Trooper Bob to the gate to await the arrival of the next transport. The sign said it would be a 45 minute wait. The girls anxious to see the beaches and the gulf unloaded from the car and sat on the hood to watch the foreign process take place.

Finally the ship arrived and Matilda drove aboard. They waited until the ship was loaded then explored the decks of the ferry amazed at all the water around them. You see the girls were from west Texas where water is a rarity. It is a regular action of inhabitants of west Texas to look into the abyss under every bridge over which they travel to see if there is indeed water or just a dry gully. A roar of excitement will ensue if there is indeed water with statements such as “there is water in that creek”. The girls were overwhelmed by the sheer volume of water all around them. Then all too soon the ferry ride was complete and it was time to exit the seagull infested vessel.

They drove onto the island with the excitement of adventurers. The drove along the sea wall and on down past the strand. Trooper Bob informed the girls of the 1900 storm that engulfed the island and floated coffins right out of the cemeteries. He told of houses washed away and bodies floating inland. They drove past mansion houses were valuables were hoisted to the roofs to save their treasures at the risk of life and limb. Finally they drove out onto the beach and found a spot to park.

Full of trepidation and suspense the two young teenagers grabbed their hats and ran into the surf. It was everything which they had not expected. It was salty to the point of burning their eyes and stinging their newly sunburned skin. The sand was squishy and mushy and filled with creatures. They splashed in the shallows and got felled by the crashing waves.
Trooper Bob methodically and meticulously baited the hook on his pole. He put his hat on his head and waded out into the surf to fish. He located a sand bar about 30 feet out into the rushing gulf. He found his footing and cast out his line. The girls stopped their reverie to watch their father fish. They had fished with him their hole lives but never like this. They were curious as to what he would catch. Would there be giant sea catfish that could be deep fried and served with hush puppies? Would there be big mouth bass that would need no added salt. They watched and waited. Then it happened. Matilda screamed. She flailed about jumping and hopping trying to run back to shore but the waves kept sucking her back. She was high stepping and grabbing her little sister trying to pull her along with her. Then Gladys began to scream. Something had grabbed her by the thigh pinching like she had never been pinched before. Matilda screamed and started kicking at the surf. Her foot coming out of the water showing a blue crab securely fastened to her big toe. The girls high stepped and ran as fast as they could battle the surge to the shore where they collapsed on the towel.

The two collapsed in a frightened heap inspecting their wounds. Matilda looked at Gladys and cried “Where is daddy? I can’t see him.” Gladys searched in the direction she thought he had been afraid that the giant sea creatures had carted him away. All they saw was a hat floating on the surf in just about the spot he had last cast his line. Then they saw a hand come out of the water and grab the hat. Then the surf receded and they spotted Trooper Bob soaking wet, hat on his head, wet cigar in his mouth still reeling in his line. They watched in amazement as this was repeated several times over.

Finally Trooper Bob slogged his way to the beach where his daughters were waiting. They were hot, sunburned and hungry. He put away his fishing gear and toweled off as best he could. He walked over to the girls and said “I’m starved how about you?” The girls nodded in agreement. Trooper Bob gave them a smile and said “well, then let’s go eat some crab.” The girls screamed and ran to the car to hide. Trooper Bob opened the door and said “what is the matter? Don’t you like crab?” Matilda shook her head and said “only if it’s dead. Those suckers tried to eat me and Gladys alive. I guess we can return the favor.” Trooper Bob shook his head and said “it will be alright, these are dead.” The trio found their way to Guido’s and had a meal to fit a king, but not a king crab.

CRS Syndrome-

About a year ago my mother-in-law who just happens to be 82 failed her Department of Motor Vehicles written driver's test because she only scored 70% and couldn't remember the law regarding bike paths. This began a complete and utter shit storm of events which honestly have left me speechless and a little less than happy with a whole group of medical professionals and family members. That, though, is another story for another day. Marge, my mother-in-law, was crushed at the thought that she failed her written test. Then a couple of weeks later she received a letter from the hollowed halls of crap known as the State of Californica which stated that she had Alzheimer's. How they determined this is beyond me, yet the effects of that letter were devastating not only to her but to a good deal of her family who for some reason decided that the DMV was qualified to bestow this diagnosis. Like I said this began a very long journey to a totally different diagnosis and six months of an 82 year old spry woman sleeping 23 hours a day in a drug and depression induced haze.

Her diagnosis got me thinking about myself and things I do that could be misconstrued. This of course leads me to a story. A story of how I too could have been accused of having dementia or Alzheimer's. You can read about some of my other symptoms here at Where Did I Put My Glasses.

I didn't go into the big city often but when I did I made the most of it. I would most likely have three or four children in tow and a list of things to purchase and do before we would make the hour and half trip back to the little town where we lived. This one particular trip was in the middle of a hot muggy summer in South Texas. I loaded up the four year old, the six year old and the thirteen year old eye rolls and all into the baby bus and headed toward the big city. The first stop was of course the nearest Pappasitas Mexican Restaurant. Then on to the Diarrhea Mall. The kids were excited because they could strap on the blades and glide across the ginormous ice rink and wonder through the Disney store or FAO Schwartz. I carefully parked my huge gas guzzling SUV, this was before Al Gore and $5.00 a gallon fuel. I noted the level and the number of my parking space then we entered the mall.

We touched, felt, smelt, ate and did everything we could in the mall. I was exhausted following my charges around charging stuffed animals and giant pretzels. Remember I said this was before $5.00 gas and a failing economy. I hefted our bags and told the wee ones to hold each other hands as we headed for Marshall Fields. We exited into the parking garage from M.F. and headed to where my SUV was parked. We schlepped our overflowing packages to the third level and space 20,299 and there it sat, a worn out piece of crap Ford Futura. I looked at the note I had made on my hand in red pen to make sure I had the right level and the right space in the right row. It was a little smudged but it still said LEVEL 3, Row GREEN, Space 20,299. I told myself not to panic. I looked at the children's faces all looking at me with just a little fear in their eyes. Oh they weren't afraid we had lost the car. They were afraid their leader was going looney.

I wandered up and down the aisles with three little shadows. I climbed the stairs up a level, down a level. I wandered each and every floor of the parking garage. I fought back tears and swallowed my fear. I decided there was nothing left for me to do but to go find security then report my baby bus stolen. I felt so violated. I felt so wronged. I was mad. I was afraid and most of all I was tired. The children tried to console me, they tried to help me and they mostly tried not to laugh at me.

Finally I gave up and went to the security kiosk. A heavy set teenager with a badge looked up at me from his gameboy annoyed at my interruption. "Someone has stolen my vehicle" the words gushed from my mouth "I had it parked on level 3, Aisle Green, spot 20,299. I need you to go fingerprint the site, roll back your security footage and find my DAMN CAR RIGHT NOW!" The kids expression didn't change he yawned and said "are you sure that is where your car was? I mean people loose their cars all the time and it's just because they don't know where they parked." What was this pimple faced pipsqueak saying? Was he intoning that I didn't know where I parked? Did he think I was a nincompoop? Did he think I was an idiot? "I KNOW WHERE I PARKED" I bit back at him. "See I have it written right here on my hand" I said shoving my open palm in his beady eyes. He sighed, put his gameboy down and said "man I almost had all the pills in the right rows. Do you know how long I've been working on Dr. Mario?" Then he picked up his radio and said something that sounded like "a Big Mac and large order of fries" into the microphone. There was a crackling noise and a voice responded "would you like fries with that?" The tween security guard looked back at me and said "someone will be with you in a minute. Just go stand on level 2 of the south garage and a car will come around and help you search for your vehicle." I grabbed up my packages looked at my kids and said "thank you, I'm telling you someone has stolen my vehicle. It is not going to be in the south garage. It is not here." Then I stomped off three little ducklings following.

"We weren't in the south garage" came a little voice. I stopped mid-mall turned and looked at the four year old and said "What?" Eyeballman looked at me and said "we weren't in the SOUTH garage. We were in the EAST garage." I eyed the little G.P.S. spouting urchin and said "No, we parked outside of Marshall Fields. That is how I know we were in the right garage. Remember? We walked through Marshall Fields then out into the mall and you went to the Science Store and you got a Triceratops that eats jelly beans." He looked up at me and shook his head negative "no, we parked in the EAST Garage. That's why it said 'E' on the green pole." I looked at the other two for confirmation and they nodded their agreement with the human GPS. I shrugged and said "then how could we have been in the EAST garage but entered through Marshall Fields? Tell me that Mr. Smartypants." He smiled and said "cause there are two of them. Then he drug me to the map of the mall which of course is more complicated than a diagram of a neutron bomb. He pointed toward the South end of the mall where there was a big MF marked on a gigantic box the he moved his finger up and to the right where once again there was a big red box marked MF. Adjacent to the big red box was another box marked E Garage.

I studied the map and shook my head in disbelieve. How did a four year old know this and I didn't? Was I loosing my mind or had I already lost it? I hurried my group out the East entrance of the East side Marshall Fields and onto the third floor, green aisle and space 20,299. There it sat in a glow of a fluorescent light was my SUV. I clicked the security locks and there was it's familiar and comforting tweet. I opened the back hatch stuffed my purchases inside, belting the children in their seats and sped out of the garage at a speed that would make Ricky Bobby cringe.

Please don't tell the DMV that I did this. Please don't let them know that I often forget where I placed my glasses only to find them resting on my nose. Please don't tell them I forget the names of my children and call Falulah, Lulu and Lulu Falulah. Please don't tell them I have worn my shirt inside out and backwards all day and didn't notice it until I went to undress that night. Please don't tell them I forget the names of things and substitute made up names for them instead. Oh and especially don't tell them about my annoying habit of pouring myself a cup of hot coffee then promptly forgetting where I sat it down only to find it hours later cold next to the coffee pot. Please don't tell them that I have C.R.S.S. (can't remember shit syndrome) because they might, just might take away my driver's license and diagnose me with Alzheimers.

Just The Facts 5-26-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon: Police Blotter for the week ending 5-26-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff's reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

05-19-09

1:14 a.m. A divorcing couple on Coclet Lane disagreed about which objects belonged to whom.
Is it the Rose's?
I think every divorcing couple should be made to watch this movie. You know as an instructional video

1:49 a.m. A routine traffic stop in Bigfork resulted in pursuit when the driver abandoned his vehicle at the Electric Avenue bridge. Authorities chased him on foot for approximately six minutes and he was taken into custody.

Maybe it was the one hit wonder Eddy Grant
Down in the street there is violence
And a lots of work to be done
No place to hang out our washing
And I can't blame all on the sun, oh no

CHORUS:
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

3:58 a.m. An individual delivering newspapers noticed a person lurking in the bushes at a Shady Lane home. No such person was found.

That Shady Lane has some Shady residents on it. I think it was Bigfoot waiting for the paper.

1:59 p.m. What was thought to be illegal shooting was heard on Highway 93. The shots were, however, legal and safely directed toward gophers.

I see Bill Murray is at it again.

3:18 p.m. A cat was quarantined in Whitefish after choosing to bite someone.
That must have been one mad pussy cat.

3:21 p.m. A Coram individual wondered how to care for a toothache.
You have a mad cat bite you on the toe and you forget about your tooth.

4:19 p.m. A bright light was seen in the sky east of Kalispell. It was not caused by an aircraft.

Cartman had an anal probe.

4:20 p.m. The bright light was seen again, this time accompanied by a blue streak that crashed into the mountains east of Kalispell. The object could not be identified.

Was Richard Dryfuss chasing it in his repair truck? 6:00 p.m. An inebriated fellow on Stoner Creek Road punched his girlfriend. He was subsequently escorted to jail.

Was this before or after he saw the alien space craft crash into the mountains?

6:15 p.m. A car was spotted driving up and down the road in Martin City.

It was looking for the Martians that crashed into the mountains.

6:18 p.m. A missing child was located in Columbia Falls

Just like in Close Encounters of the 3^rd Kind. The aliens opened the door and all those lost people started pouring out.

6:32 p.m. The Coclet Lane couple clearly did not work out ownership of their possessions. The circumstance was reported as a burglary.

What? Oh yeah they are definitly the Roses.


7:27 p.m. A screen was cut at the Short Branch Bar in Lakeside. No entry was attempted.

It was Bigfoot running away from the aliens.

11:04 p.m. A gentleman at an Evergreen complained of a pit bull bite. He declined care.
Maybe he had a toothache and it took his mind off of it.
11:32 p.m. A gentleman was seen limping toward Wal-Mart.

Hey Martha. I'll be back in a bit. I'm gonna walk down to the Wall Marts and get me some Orajel and one of them do it yourself raybee kits. You want me to pick you up another carton of them Pal Malls whilst I'm out?

05-20-09

7:39 a.m. A vicious tomcat on Gunsight Loop is still at large. It has developed the habit of attacking a resident's cat, dog and husband.

Maybe it isn't really a tomcat but an alien disguised as a cat.

8:28 a.m. A mother dropped her children off at Evergreen Elementary in a leisurely manner, inspiring another mother to honk her horn. In response, the dawdling mom yelled violent profanities.

Gawd kids don't your parents just make you proud?

11:48 a.m. A white Jeep Cherokee has been driving by a Columbia Falls Stage home and peeping in the windows. The homeowners aid that it is not a Census worker.
Wait. Is that part of the job description? Must be peeping Tom? Who is Tom anyway and why is he a peeper?

5:16 p.m. A Ranchettes Drive female claims that a Chinese man from New York called her home. The caller said that he is going to send two men to hurt her.

The Chinese Mafia in Flathead? What next the crips and the bloods?

11:17 p.m. A Bowdish Road resident could hear a man yelling "all sorts of things," including but not limited to "Sweet Jesus!" and "Praise the Lord!" The concerned resident indicated that it did not sound like a fight.
Maybe he in a tag-team wrestling match with Jesus against the Satan and Osama Bin Laden.
11:38 p.m. Several intoxicated individuals at the Lion Lake campground were advised to lower their volume.

Just how does one lower the volume of their intoxication?
11:40 p.m. A Beach Road resident intended to retire for the night.

Yes but was everything okay on Beach Road? Did he see the aliens?

11:46 p.m. In Hungry Horse, "local dopers" were relocating cattle from one pasture to another. Notably, the cattle were not their own.

Hum maybe they wanted to see if they looked better in the other pasture. Or maybe they were hiding them from the aliens.

05-21-09
9:44 a.m. A woman on Dun Moving Lane claims that her long-time boyfriend is stalking her.

Gosh where I come from that is called dating.

11:21 a.m. An unknown individual lit a fire next to some apartments. A concerned tenant responded and doused the flames.

Here I come to save the day….

1:17 p.m. A horse decided to explore Kickbush Lane, eventually settling in at a private residence. The homeowner will corral it until the owner is located.
Aw come on Ma. I always wanted a pony. I know I'm 48 years old but I'll take care of it and feed it. It likes me see…

2:08 p.m. Cows on Halfmoon Road preferred the other side of the fence. Authorities assisted in the round-up.

Well it's like the old saying goes; the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

2:29 p.m. The cows on Halfmoon Road evidently had no interest in staying home. They proceeded to block the thoroughfare. It was a Bovine Mutiny

4:09 p.m. Individuals were shooting gophers on Farm to Market road. They did so from the comfort of their vehicle.
Well that's how I would prefer to shoot them in their own vehicle. I hate it when I shoot them in somebody else's vehicle or worse yet in my vehicle.

5:27 p.m. A brown and white dog was loitering at a school on Willow Glen Drive. He has been safely secured to the flagpole until further notice.

Maybe he is the proverbial triple dog of the triple dog dare

5:41 p.m. Kids were sliding off the roof and into a pool at Woodland Water Park. There goes those damn kids being kids again.

11:53 p.m. The cows on Halfmoon Road escaped once more.

Maybe if they were on Fullmoon Road they would stay put.
4:49 p.m. The Halfmoon cows were back out, clearly looking for trouble.

Did they find it? Was there a cow rumble?

05-22-09

6:59 a.m A knife was found on the road in Bigfork. It was double-edged and described as "rather large."

Must have been left by some of those cows out looking for trouble.

3:56 p.m. Someone was burning trash on Halfmoon Road. The fire department informed them that burning garbage is harmful to the environment.

Sounds like those delinquent cows are at it again.

5:48 p.m. Three kids described as "chubby" were throwing rocks at houses. They were counseled on their "unruly ways."

Now Johnny, I've told you before to stop eating those Twinkies they make you chubby and a little juvenile delinquent

8: 07 p.m. Five children in a blue vehicle were not safely restrained. In fact, one of them was perched on the driver's lap.
Now see I remember when you could do that and no one thought anything of it. I in fact used to drive my daddy's dodge pick-up perched on his lap turning the wheel with the suicide knob.
10:11 p.m. A female customer at a Lakeside establishment refused to leave. She was transported for a mental health evaluation.
Maybe she was an old hippie protestor. Hell No I Won't Go! Hell No I Won't Go!
12:10 a.m. A man in a red truck pulled up to a Conrad Drive residence and commenced to scream. He was later pulled over and warned that his actions were unacceptable.

Maybe he was screaming because the aliens gave him an anal probe or he saw Bigfoot.

05-25-09

6:17 a.m. An Ezy Drive resident received a letter requesting money.

You know what they say Ezy come, Ezy Go.

8:33 a.m. Someone was strolling down Highway 35 screaming at cars and flashing obscene gestures. He was later found to be involved with dangerous drugs.

10:04 a.m. An individual had questions regarding drug activity in the Hungry Horse area.

Maybe he should have asked the guy from the previous call.

11:04 a.m. A car supposedly hit a fire hydrant, causing it to gush large amounts of water. The guilty party was found to be the Water Department safely opening the hydrant during a routine check.

Nope officer I work for the water department, I just forgot my pipe wrench and decided that runnnin over it with my car would do the same job.

1:05 p.m. A man injured himself while wielding a chainsaw. He was 35 up a tree at the time.

35 what?
1:23 p.m. Bandannas were stolen from a local box store.It was that gang of Halfmoon cows.
3:37 p.m. A building described as big and tan with an orange roof was reportedly on fire. Upon closer investigation a nearby wood pile was ablaze.
Ma'am when was the last time you had your eyes checked? You might want to see the Optometrist.
6:23 p.m. Someone attempted to drive through a tree at Lawrence Park. I drove through a redwood one time.

4:30 a.m. Someone heard footsteps on their deck.

Bigfoot is back.

Dear Gladys Replies

Thank all of you who have written into Dear Gladys. I will do my best to answer your intriguing and important questions. I do need to disclaim that the answers here are entirely of my own doing. I have not been coerced or influenced in any way. There is NOT a person standing behind me telling me what to say nor is there anyone but myself writing this advice. Also I accept no responsibility or reliability for any stupid or insane actions you might do because I merely ‘suggest’ it. Also I am not a doctor of psychology nor do I play one on TV.
Let’s get on with the advice dispensing.

Cher said...
Dear Dr. Gladys,
I tried and tried yesterday to come up with a good question or problem for you. I mean I had a good name picked out for whom the question would be from and everything...but I have no problems in my life. Every time my sleep apnea woke me up I tried to think of a problem that I could have and I couldn't. When my husband came home at 4:00 in the morning, smelling of booze, I asked him if he could think of any problems I might have and he couldn't of any either. When my son called from the county jail, I asked him too but nothing there either. Sorry to disappoint you but I'll enjoy other's problems. How's that?
Your faithful reader,
The Texas Woman

Dear Texas Woman,

Your life reminds me of an old country and western song. "Up against the wall..." oh wait wrong song. You know the one about "I was drunk the day my momma got out of prison, and I went to pick her up in the rain..." You live the perfect life. Keep up the good work. Oh and you know they have some new room spray that will mask that odor of cheap perfume and booze.

Mrs. 4444 writes:
Dear Gladys,
I have this friend who is addicted to reading blogs and poking around on the Internet. As a result, her house is a pigsty, and she has no money to pay for help. What should she do?Signed, The Friend Who Isn't Addicted to the Internet and Has a Spotless House

Dear Spotless,
The only thing I can suggest here is to definitely add to her blog roll by putting every blog on the internet on it. She will be forced to read every single blog on the internet until the trash and filth overtakes her home, her children go unfed and her dog unwashed. She will eventually come to the END of the internet or she will be featured on Dr. Phil and therefore be freed to go back to her usual hygienic happiness. You as her ‘friend’ can talk about her behind her back and make rude comments about your superior skills as a housekeeper, mother and dog owner. See it is a win/win situation for all.
Gladys

Bob said...
Dear Gladys, Is there anything to be done about runaway nose hair? If not, is there anything to be done with runaway nose hair?
Dear Hairy Nose,
You might try treating it better then it won't run away. I understand there are classes at Michaels on weaving nose hair into useful and artful projects such as jewelry and baskets.
You can also add some ear hair for a herringbone effect. So I believe the responsible and artful thing to do here is to let it grow. Like the song said “She asks me why I'm just a hairy guy I'm hairy noon and night Hair that's a fright I'm hairy high and lowDon't ask me whyDon't knowIt's not for lack of break Like the Grateful Dead Darling”
Jaime said...
Dear Gladys:
I have no idea what to ask you...but when I come up with something, I’ll let you know.

Dear No Idea,
You don’t know what to ask because you are an attorney. You are usually the one giving advice and taking money. You just don’t know how to reverse the order. So just send me the money instead and take your own advice.

I will check the Dear Gladys post from time to time today and add more advice as it come in.

Dear Gladys

Remember Dear Abby and her really spiffy big hair and her sister Ann Landers who had equal spiffy big hair? People would write in and ask them for advice. Now let me ask you, where did they get to be experts and tell 'Lonely in St. Paul' to get out more? Neither of them were psychologist or even sociologist, they were just women who liked to hand out their own opinion. I mean honestly can you go to school and get a degree in advice giving? “Hello my name is Dr. Gladys and I’m an advice-ologist. Now take my advice and call me in a month and let me know how it is working out.” Oh wait that would be Dr. Laura.

I believe that I, Gladys, am as qualified if not more than either Ann or her twinkie sister Abby. I have so many more resources at my disposal than they did when they first began their advice column oh so many years ago. Not to mention I have really BIG hair. You know the higher the hair the closer to heaven. I have the ability to ‘Google’ or ‘tweet’ and I have the internet and the intranet and the space time continuum at my fingertips. I also have all these wonderful life experience with which I can pull from and share with each and every one of you who is troubled. Write me, you who are troubled by the heartbreak of psoriasis and the embarrassment of warts. Go ahead and ask those of you who are ‘lonely in St. Paul’ and ‘stuck in Wasilla’.

I am going to give each of you the chance to ask Gladys for advice. If you comment I’ll answer it. If no one comments then I’ll write this off as no one wants my excellent and wonderful advice. I will attack any problem.

Go ahead ‘Hurt in Hartford’ query your quandary. I’m waiting high hair and all.

Miss Priss IS Fancy Nancy

It was three years ago. She was trying to decide if she wanted to show up on time or make her mother and the rest of us wait a little longer. She had been difficult and obstinate but we loved her anyway. Then about three in the afternoon she finally decided she would show up. She didn’t need anything but what she had and she exited the portal.

Her mother was a little bit more than fed up with her tardiness. Her father anxiously awaited her arrival. We had already had lunch without her and were just settling in for an afternoon of catching up and story telling when she decided to make her grand entrance. Her mother screamed her father almost fainted and the nurse slapped her bottom. The doctor announced her healthy and hearty.

Her family stood around looking at the brand new life. The precious baby girl lying in the crib, feet still black from having her prints taken. There she was, the first born, the first grandchild and the first great grandchild. She blinked her eyes, looked around let out a command and everyone jumped to make sure her bidding was done.

Can't a girl get some privacy?
It is three years later and honestly, nothing much has changed. She is still ordering her servants to do her bidding. She is still proclaiming her independence and she still has all of us wrapped around her little finger.
The Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about.
Happy Birthday Miss Priss. Nanny and Poppy can’t be there with you today but when we get there we will have another birthday party. I will even make you another exploding Barbie Cake if you want.

I'm ready for my close up Mr. DeMille

Car 54 Where Are You

State, county and city law enforcement often work together on cases. There are times when it is necessary to bring all these forces together in order to get the job done. The state of Texas is large with its counties often covering several hundred square miles. The men and now women of law enforcement often spend their entire lifetime protecting and serving that particular area. That was true of two men that Trooper Bob met early in his career.

It is often said that men who work closely together over long periods of time under duress often begin to think as one. They will move in unison and complete each others thoughts. Trooper Bob witnessed just such a phenomena.

Trooper Bob was still pretty new to the area. It was just before noon and the sun was shinning bright. There was a nip in the early January air. Trooper Bob was parked along side Highway 169 waiting for an errant driver to come speeding past. It had been a particularly slow morning with nothing much to keep him from falling asleep except the police radio chatter. He could hear all units including the two local sheriff deputies when they called in location or for traffic stops. The local deputies were two long time lawmen who had worked together for quite some years.
Harold and Elmer were like carrots and peas. They went everywhere together; they spoke a like and even looked a like. You could find them at the local diner every morning whether they were on duty catching up from the 8 hours they were separated. They were of one mind you might say.

Trooper Bob heard the crackle of the radio ever hopeful that there might actually be some excitement. He sat up turned the volume up and got ready to take down any call that might be coming through. “Quichshshshs…Harold where you at” Bob heard Elmer ask. “I’m over here” Harold replied. Quichshss, crackle “alright, I’ll be right there.” Trooper Bob adjusted the radio and listened. Wait! What? He must have missed part of the transmission. Harold never gave Elmer his 10-20, or better known as his location. All he said was “I’m over here”. Bob was confused. Where was Harold? How did Elmer know where over here was. Trooper Bob was convinced he must have missed part of the transmission and settled back down into his seat. He made a mental note to ask Homer his new partner about it.

Several days later once again sitting waiting for something to happen he heard the call come through again “Where you at” Bob heard Harold ask Elmer. Bob turned the radio up and listened intently to hear every word. “I’m over here” was Elmer’s reply. “10-4 I’ll meet you there” Harold responded. Trooper Bob sat looking at the radio. He had not missed it this time. He had heard the whole transmission. There was no mistaking it; Elmer had not given Harold a location. Yet, he knew exactly where to go. Trooper Bob was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery.
“Homer” Bob inquired of his mentor, “how do they know where they are? I mean they don’t give locations they just say I’m here. Then the other one acts like he knows where he is. How the hell do they do that?” Homer smiled at his prodigy and slowly removed the toothpick from his mouth “well, I suppose they just know. Them boys has been patrolling together for now on 20 years. They just know if the other one idn’t where he is then he is where the other one would be.” Trooper Bob looked at Homer and still didn’t comprehend. He knew that women sometimes got those inner feelings like his wife would get. He had learned not to question those but to just follow them. He thought on that for a minute and decided that must be how it was with these two fellows. They had some of that women’s intuition. “Homer” Bob started “you ever been close enough to another man to know what he’s thinking?” Homer sat and studied his thumbnail a minute then he looked up at his prodigy and said “Nope, can’t say as I has. I’ll tell you something though. If I was ever in a fox hole with the enemy shootin at me I would want someone to be able to read my thoughts. That way we could both get the hell out of there. Two heads is better than one.”

Trooper Bob thought on that for a long time. He wondered about Elmer and Harold’s past pursuits and their accomplishments. He thought about what Homer told him. Then Trooper Bob came to the conclusion that Homer was right. If Elmer ever got in a tight spot with a criminal Harold would know just where to find him.

So where you at Trooper Bob? I’ll be right there.

On The Wings Of Buzzards

Gladys checked her lipstick in the mirror then looked at her outfit. She was dressed impeccably or at least that is what her nineteen year old mind thought. Long maroon pencil skirt with just enough of a slit to be professional yet still allow her to shuffle walk, light purple silk blouse, winter white wool jacket maroon and burgundy spectator Mary Janes on her feet. The outfit was perfect for her jaunt to the corporate office. She arrived at the airport early that morning to take the flight from the regional airport to the large international airport where the corporate office was located. This was to be her first meeting with her boss.

Gladys had been employed at the Savings and Loan for several months as the head of public relations for her home town branch. She was entrusted with the high dollar depositors. This job wasn’t a difficult one; it was really just a glorified concierge’s position. The high rollers would go to Gladys and say “I want to take a trip to Timbuktu”. Gladys would get on the phone with a travel agent bargain for the best deal and make all the arrangements. Gladys would then call the depositor with all the pertinent information. Mr. Moneybags would say “Oh, I’ve changed my mind. I want to go to Poughkeepsie instead” and the whole ordeal would happen again. She also arranged parties, excursions for groups of the depositors. She made sure they had plenty of coffee, donuts, cheese and wine in the secret little “club” room located on the top floor of one of the few high rises in town.

She parked her vehicle in the lot and made her way with her new luggage to the check in counter. “Hi, I’m here for the 6 a.m. flight to Houston” she told the clerk behind the Cherokee Airlines Counter. The girl in the burnt orange uniform smiled her sweet smile and said “Yes I have you right here. Come with me.” They walked down the stairs and out onto the tarmac where a small plane and a pilot stood waiting. Gladys looked around and saw several business men dressed in smart sports coats and three piece wool suits waiting to board the plane. They pulled the door open allowing the steps to descend and they began to board. The men all looked to Gladys since she was the only female in the group to board first. She wiggled her skinny skirt like Mrs. Wiggins from the Carol Burnette show to the plane and tried to lift her leg high enough to stop on the first step about two feet too high.

She tried going at it straight on but couldn’t lift her foot high enough to reach the step. Then she tried it sideways and still could not lift her leg high enough to be lady-like and hit the step. The group of men stood around somewhat amused at the spectacle happening before them. Gladys eyed the step and let out a sigh and tried pulling her skirt up higher than her knees still no luck.

Finally the handsome pilot came to her rescue. Captain Oveur smiled and said “May I assist you” as he motioned toward the step. “Oh, yes! Please do” replied Gladys. Then in one fell swoop Captain Oveur picked Gladys up and set her on the steps. There was a murmur from the group of men as they all boarded the plane.

The little commuter plane was a small 13 passenger plane with barely enough headroom to crawl. The pilot told Gladys to take the seat behind him and she did with the other travelers filling in around her. The co-pilot went about his check list as the pilot gave a little speech about what to do in case of an emergency. Then they revved up the engines and sped down the runway. The wheels picked up off the ground and they were aloft.

Gladys could see the pilot and the co-pilot from her seat since there was only a curtain between them. They had not fastened the curtain closed and she could not only see but hear the two men talking not only to each other but to what she envisioned to be the control tower. Gladys looked around her companions on this two hour flight. It was obviously an assortment of oilmen and bankers. She felt so ‘corporate’. She took her journal from her attaché’ and began making notes for her upcoming meeting.

Gladys was happily jotting down thoughts as the engines droned. She would cast an occasional glance through the front windshield to see floating clouds. She looked out her cabin window at the highway below and the occasional clump of trees around a lake or the vast ranchlands. Then she heard panic in the captains voice “Holy SHIT! It’s headed right at us”. The co-pilot reached for the curtain just as there was a horrible smacking sound then a wush of wind and more noise.
Gladys felt wet. She felt wet and sticky and cold all of a sudden. She looked down too see her beautiful winter white coat covered in something red and yellow and gooey. Then it dawned on her that it was blood and she let out a scream. The captain turned to look at her and with horror on his face cried “ma’am are you okay?” Gladys looked up at the captain and he was covered in blood and she screamed again. Then she realized there was something wrong with the front window and she screamed again. The pilot came on the speaker and told everyone that everything was okay to just remain calm. He went on too announce that we would be making an unscheduled stop. Gladys knew differently she knew everything was not okay. She was covered in blood as was the captain and the first officer. They were all a bloody mess. She turned to look at her fellow passengers and saw the revulsion on their faces as they looked at her.

Gladys could not wrap her mind around what had happened. Why was she bleeding and what was that putrid smell? What was this yellow and green slim that was dripping from her hair? Then she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned and there was an older man with a handkerchief. He was saying something soothing but she still could not comprehend. Then he was gone and she could feel the bumping and hopping of the plane. Gladys looked out the window to see the ground growing closer and closer. Finally she felt the wheels hit the ground and the little plane skidding to a stop. She saw fire trucks and ambulances waiting on the runway. “Oh My GAWD! I’m dying!” she thought to herself. She sat in her seat not moving afraid that she might die even faster if she did. The men began to deplane and as each one passed her they mumbled something incoherent and averted their eyes. The pilot and the co-pilot both ushering the men out as fast as possible. Finally Gladys looked up to see the blood soaked pair grab her and practically toss her out of the plane. “Oh My GAWD I’m dying and they are throwing me out of the plane” her mind screamed. An emergency worker ran toward Gladys as a Firefighter carried her toward the ambulance. They were screaming at her “Ma’am are you hurt? Can you hear me? Are you injured?” Gladys looked at them with that same blank stare. All she could hear was the drone of the engines in her ears mixed with the pounding of her heart. The paramedic wrapped her in a towel as he started to assess her for injuries. They were also working on the pilot and first officer.

The firefighter ran back to the plane. Gladys’ eyes followed the man as he climbed upon a ladder on the front of the plane. That is when she realized the front windshield was shattered and part of it was missing. She watched and the fireman began pulling something big and black from the plane. She looked at the pilot. He was wiping blood and guts from his face and his uniform. She looked down at her own ruined clothes. She finally found her voice and said “WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?” The pilot smiled a comforting smile and said “we just hit a buzzard. You have buzzard guts in your hair.”

They were stranded in the little airport until they could repair the windshield. Gladys went to the restroom and tried to repair her make-up and her clothes but they both were ruined. She found a pay phone and called her boss and explained the situation complete with the fact that it might be hours before she will arrive as well as the state in which she would arrive. Mrs. Boss said “honey you just stay right there. I’ll have someone there in twenty.”

Gladys waited in the restroom and true to her word in walked a pretty young woman about Gladys’ age. “Hi, Mrs. Boss sent me here. Come on” the girl said. Gladys accompanied her out the door into an awaiting car. The car took her to a small house where the girl handed her a towel and showed her to a bathroom. Gladys was showered and made up complete with her hair fixed within the hour. The girl was waiting in the bedroom and said “that buzzard blood ain’t going to come out of your clothes. I’m sorry cause that was a right pretty blouse. I cleaned your shoes and here is a dress.” Gladys took the flowing dress with the large circular skirt and put it on over her slip. “Who are you” Gladys asked the guardian angel. “I work at the local Savings and Loan. Mrs. Boss is my Aunt and she asked if I could help you out.”

They drove back to the airport comparing stories of their jobs and promising to stay in touch. The airline had sent another plane to pick up its passengers and Gladys arrived just as they began to board. She walked out onto the tarmac to join her fellow travelers just as the wind gusted blowing her dress above her head.

Just the Facts Week Ending 5/18/2009

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 5-18-09.

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

05-13-09
6:47 a.m. Someone found a brand new four-wheeler behind their garage in Evergreen. It was stolen from a nearby dealer.
Hey Maw! Come look Bigfoot done brought us a new 4 wheeler! Weehooo! I told you leaving out milk and cookies would get us something! He's just like Santa.

7:02 a.m. A man bought a gun on the Internet. It doesn’t work.
Maybe he needs to buy the bullets off the internet too.

8:22 a.m. There was family dispute in Olney. Apparently the ownership of some hound dogs was in question.
Now Ernest, that there welp is mine. I know I have 42 other hound dawgs but I done caught old Duke over there locked up with your Daisy. So that-uns mine.

11:42 a.m. A female dog and her pups were barking in Columbia Falls. Reports indicate that the dogs were Boxers.
Were they Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali? Float like a butterfly sting like a bee…

12:50 p.m. A woman said she saw two males, who looked like they were teenagers, throw a bike off a bridge. She mentioned that in the newspaper someone had reported a bike stolen. She thought that, perhaps, this was the bike. An officer investigated and could not find anything.
Evidently they didn’t realize it wasn’t the 3rd of June and it was not another hot and dusty Delta Day. (for you youngins out there go look up Ode to Billy Joe)

2:22 p.m. A 28-year-old man was kicked out of his parent’s home. Someone called back and said, “forget it, forget it, forget it.”
Um, he is TWENTY-EIGHT years old. What ever happened to breaking their plate when they turn 18? You don’t know what that is? When your child turns 18 you take them outside with their possessions give them a big hug and a kiss and $50.00 tell them to go forth find a job and prosper. Then you break their dinner plate. That signifies they must now feed themselves.

2:50 p.m. A man’s paycheck was found on the railroad tracks in Columbia Falls. He lives on Poverty Lane.
Maybe if he kept his paycheck in the bank he wouldn’t live on Poverty lane.

3 p.m. A man and woman had a dispute over personal possessions.
That’s mine! No it’s mine. Mine, mine, mine!

4:48 p.m. A man reported a gun stolen. He did so from jail.
Um, buddy I don’t think your gonna get it back.

8:08 p.m. A knife was found in the men’s room on the third floor of the Justice Center.
Well he couldn’t find his gun…

05-15-09
7:48 a.m. Four fishing poles were reported stolen in Bigfork.
What is that old saying feed a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life? Here is the addition teach a man to steal and he is a criminal for life.
9:14 a.m. Someone said they saw a mountain lion in their neighbor’s field on Janens Way in Columbia Falls.
Then don’t go in that field.

11 a.m. A Whalebone Drive resident inquired about test results. Apparently, they were bitten by a dog.
Hi, yeah I was bitten by a dog and I was wondering should I go get tested? What? Did he look sick? No but he did look like he had been gargling with hydrogen peroxide.

Whose a good doggie? Whose a good puppy? Puppy wanta treat?

4:59 p.m. A man allegedly knocked on some doors and let out a scream in the Evergreen area.

Ahhhooooohh….Werewolves of London. Oh wait that would be Werewolves of Evergreen. Where Werewolf? There werewolf. There Castle.
10:52 p.m. Someone reported a “miniature Pincher with a pink collar” missing at the Old Steel Bridge.
That poor pooch probably jumped because he was wearing an oh so masculine pink collar.

3:47 p.m. Someone on Beach Road in Bigfork said a laser was being shone into their home.
Hum, so I guess things are NOT all right on Beach Road.

05-18-09
4:42 am – A male was spotted relieving himself outside a Lakeside gas station. He left in a minivan before authorities could arrive.
He was finished why would he stick aaround. Hey Gilbert wanna stick around and see how long it takes my pee to dry?

Sure Dale I ain't got nuthin better to do.

9:07 am – A gentleman hiked seven miles to a Forest Service cabin. According to his father, he intended to “stay a year.”
Let me guess, he was 28 years old.

12:08 pm – A dog was dangling by its leash from the porch of a Shady Lane home. The owner reportedly came out, assessed the situation, and returned inside without assisting the dog.
OK now it’s the owners turn to dangle from a leash.

1:34 pm – A large white poodle, reportedly sporting long hair on its legs and ears but a shaven body, was wandering around Coram unescorted. Authorities left a door-hanger at the owner’s home.
I wonder if it was one of those wild Poodles of Boreno?

3:35 pm – A possible case of animal neglect in Kila turned out to be a dog in a small kennel on the owner’s back porch.
Oh I see dangling a pooch from a porch is okay but keep it contained so it doesn’t hurt itself is neglect?

4:29 pm – Small propane tanks were reported stolen from a residence opposite the Damtown Tavern. They were last seen during hunting season.
So do you think they were using the propane tanks to hunt with?
Hey Dave, you go over there and place that propane tank next to that buck. Yeah sneak up on him real quiet like. Now hold my beer and watch this.

4:46 pm – A tree severed a power line and caught on fire.
The power line or the tree?

5:32 pm – A Husqvarna chainsaw, worth $1,000, was stolen from a Jellison Road porch. It was identified as orange.
Now who has an orange porch and if you did why would you leave your expensive chain saw on it?

5:42 pm – A Brunner Road couple were at odds after the male would not remove his shoes. He left on foot, possibly wearing a Jeff Gordon hat, but later returned and all was well. The couple was advised to separate for the night.
I ain’t takin my shoes off. Jeff Gordon don’t have to take his shoes off in his own house.

5:53 pm – A male in a blue Dodge truck was removing a tree from East Oregon Street. He later received permission from the tree’s owner.
Is this a case of it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?

5:54 pm – Four or five people were possibly stealing an apple tree. Come to find out, they drove a blue Dodge truck and had permission from the tree’s owner.
I never realized that tree rustlin was such a big problem.

"Come on sheriff let's round us up a posse. We's got us a bunch of tree rustlers on the loose."

6:01 pm – An adult was harassing a neighbor’s kids about driving their bikes recklessly up and down the road. The same adult took pictures of the kids on bikes.
Is he going to frame the pictures and give them to their parents? I mean how dare kids ride their bikes!

"...and this one is a picture of little Evil doing tricks on his bike. Yes our neighbor Fred took this. Isn't it a great action shot? Yes we couldn't be more proud"

7:27 pm – A husband and wife in Columbia Falls engaged in a verbal altercation. They eventually decided that they could get along.
Now see here is where on the show COPS they have the shirtless, toothless man in handcuffs after he has just beaten the crap out of his wife. She is standing there with two black eyes, a broken nose and several teeth missing in her tube top and red bra straps. She grabs the first police officer and cries “Please don’t hurt him. I lurv him. He didn’t mean to hit me. I just pissed him off cause I drank the last Bud lite.”

9:06 pm – Horses were running amok on Foothills Road. They were, however, too skittish to round up that night.
Isn’t that what horses do? Run amok?

9:51 pm – What may have been gunshots or fireworks were heard on Highway 2.
Six of one half dozen of another.

Dragnet Quote of the Week:

Gannon: (to Friday)Nothing ever happens the easy way with you, does it?

You Shook Me All Night Long

Shook me all night long Yeah you shook me all night long…..

It was a tense moment. Susan had just refused to go fishing with Dave and the plot was thickening. Then I heard Falulah yelling something from upstairs that sounded like earthquake. Now why would she yell earthquake? I didn’t feel anything. I mean the pictures on the walls didn’t rattle. Oh wait there are no pictures on the walls. I took them down a year ago to paint then went to Montana without painting or hanging the pictures.

I settled back into my big fluffy bed pillows stretched my toes out and snuggled back into the crook of Kahuna’s arm. You see we were bed yachting last night. What you don’t know what bed yachting is? That is where you get something to drink, something to flip through like a fashion or sports magazine, you get snacks and dress in your most comfy pajamas then you pile on the bed with the remote in your hand and relax.

He looked down at me and said “what did she say?” I looked up at him and said “it sounded like she yelled earthquake.” He looked around and said “hum, I didn’t feel anything did you?” I wrapped my leg around his and snuggled in closer and said “I didn’t feel a thing.”
“Didn’t you guys feel that” Falulah asked. (As you can see my middle daughter does not have a southern accent. She in fact is Californian through and through so she has NO accent, therefore does not use y’all or ain’t.) “Feel what?” we answered in unison. “That earthquake” she exclaimed incredulous that we had not felt or even noticed anything. Kahuna is the earthquake police. We have to have shoes placed beside the bed in case of the “big one”. We also must have supplies on hand including but not limited to water, flash-lights and first aide kits. I always keep a spare bottle of vodka just in case. I mean if the big one hits I’m going to have a martini and find a place to relax. Really once an earthquake starts there isn’t much you can do except ride it out and see if you can catch the buzzer and win a saddle.

She stood in our bedroom doorway looking at the two of us laying in complete and total relaxation and laughed. “I can’t believe you didn’t feel that. I mean it was an earthquake” she smirked then turned and walked out the door. It wasn’t that we didn’t believe her or we thought she was maybe having a post hangover hallucination we just didn’t feel it. Kahuna switched stations and there it was big as daylight. Channel 4 news was on it. Dusty Trails or Trusty Dales or whatever that reporter’s name is was on the scene in Long Beach. The fire department was sweeping glass off the sidewalks and he was interviewing various people.
Now I need to tell you for the most part Californicans are immune to earthquakes. They are very nonchalant and unemotional over them. News reporters are a whole different story. They will milk this little 4.7 earthquake for a week. They began their report by stating that someone at a Starbucks was injured and transported to a nearby hospital. What? Did they spill hot coffee on themselves? Another woman was shaken up as she purchased groceries and items fell off the shelves towards her. Did they hit her? Was she bonked on the head by a stray bottle of olives? Now see if she would have had her emergency bottle of vodka, there was a martini in the making and she would not have been near as shaken up.

Kahuna and I continued our yachting and watched the reports unfold. We watched every channel break into programming and make mountains out of mole hills. We then caught the ten o’clock news where everything else in the world stopped. There were no wars, no swine flu, no car accidents and no fires just a 4.7 earthquake in Los Angels.

So I guess the point of this whole story is this. I missed the rest of my program. Who did Mike marry on Desperate Housewives? I think it was Susan. What do you think?

A Weighty Subject

A couple of months ago Kahuna had his blood pressure checked after an unusually rough week. It was sky high. I’m talking in the triple digits both systolic and diastolic. This of course sent me into high alert. Heart disease runs in his family, it runs in my family and it frightens me. He and I took a long hard look at one another and decided it was time to do something. We had spent a long cold winter eating comfort food. Our pants were too tight and our double chins were sagging. Then another thought hit me. We were going back to California. This meant bathing suits and surfboards. I was sure if I ventured onto the beach in the state I was in I would promptly be mistaken for a beached whale and pulled kicking and screaming into the surf.

I went into the kitchen of our little condo and surveyed my pantry. I peered into the refrigerator and sighed. Then I made the announcement “no more cookies, cakes, pies or biscuits. We are no longer allowed to eat sweets or starches. We must purge our systems of the evil that is sugar.” Kahuna looked at me then looked back at the blood pressure monitor we had purchased and said “can we do it? Can we forego your homemade Snickerdoodles and Milano cookies? Can we live without your Impossible Buttermilk pie? Does this mean no more corn bread or homemade rolls? Oh my GOD this means no more homemade pizza on Sunday night?” I hugged him and patted his head and replied “yes dear, gone, they are all gone.”

I sat down made out my grocery list and then fed the squirrels the last of my cornbread and said goodbye to sugar sandwiches. That evening we started our adventure into dare I say No Whitefoodland. We banned all things white with the exception of cauliflower. We began eating three real meals a day. We snacked on celery and cucumbers instead of chips and popcorn. We assuaged our need for sweet with sugar free jello and filled the gap of variety with making up new ways to eat meat.

Now I’m happy to report it is one month later. We have adjusted to our new eating habits although occasionally I will crave something sweet. Something made with REAL sugar or I will have a hankering for mashed potatoes instead of mashed cauliflower. The best news is we went to our cardiologist this week and guess what. We both lost weight but even better Kahuna’s blood pressure is back in the realm of reality. It’s not perfect yet but he at least is out of danger of having a massive stroke. Our physician is very innovative and progressive and believes in both holistic and traditional medicine working together. She believes in using Yoga breathing to help lower your blood pressure along with meditation and medication. Then she gave us our nutrition guide. I was right on. She gave us a specific diet regimen. I read through the list and we were already doing everything on the list.

We are headed to the sand and the surf this week. I pulled out my bathing suites and looked at my translucent body and wondered. Will they think I’m just a skinner whale?

PSA: Get your blood pressure and cholesterol checked on a regular basis.