Just the Facts Week Ending 5/13/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 5-12-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

05-05-09
11:53 a.m. A “late model RAV 4” was seen on Lost Creek Lane. It was gold.
Wow it was made of gold? No wonder they reported it.

12:25 p.m. A woman says she has eight feral cats living under her home in Martin City. Two of the cats are pregnant. The woman wants to know what she can do about it.
About the cats living under her house or that they are pregnant? She might try kitty birth control.

2:19 p.m. A man called the Columbia Falls police station and yelled at the answering party.
What did he yell? PIGS! Dirty Rotten Coppers? (O.K. maybe I’ve watched too many old James Cagney movies)

4:50 p.m. A man, who allegedly stole a horse trailer five years ago, had a note on his car accusing him of the crime.
Did they just now find out he stole the trailer?

5:37 p.m. Seventh- and eighth-graders were seen running on the roof of an Evergreen school. They could not be caught.
How do they know they were 7th and 8th graders if they didn’t catch them? Maybe they were old people dressed like 7th and 8th graders.

7:06 p.m. Someone thought a young man in a gray coat, who has been walking around for the past couple days in the rain in the Smith Lake area, was suspicious. Deputies checked him out and found that lived in the area, but could speak only Russian.
Why do I immediately hear the soundtrack to Dr. Shivago?

7:59 p.m. A suspicious looking male on Cardigan Lane in Marion was actually a home appraiser. He had proof.
Those Home apppraisers are very suspicious. The bigger question is what kind of proof? I mean do they carry a home inspector badge? "Hello, I am Inspector Cleusou. I am a hume inspector."

8:25 p.m. A 22-year-old man had a compound fracture. The bone was sticking through his skin.
Um, yeah, I would say that is a compound fracture. I bet he compounded some phrases when it happened.
Sonofagawdforesakenshithelldamn.

05-06-09
6:42 a.m. The side door of a construction trailer on Wild Wood Court in Lakeside was ripped off.
Bigfoot is back and he is not happy.

6:59 a.m. An intoxicated man reportedly walked up to a house in east Kalispell, yelled things, then left on foot.
Maybe he was mad at the house.

8:18 a.m. A solar panel was stolen from someone’s backyard in Bigfork.
Maybe Bigfoot thought it was a mirror.

9:38 a.m. Unknown items were stolen from a garage on Whitefish Stage Road.
If they were unknown then how do they know they were taken?

10:44 a.m. A 10-year-old boy was walking around the Conrad Drive area. He lived nearby.
Hum, I guess that you are not allowed to walk around on Conrad Drive.

3:31 p.m. A man called because he was having problems with his 16-year-old daughter. The problems are not known.
How many times do I have to say this? Parent your children!

4:25 p.m. Blue smoke was seen coming from a power pole near a middle school in Kalispell.
Does this mean there is a new Pope?

7:11 p.m. Transients have made camp in the woods behind an Evergreen box store.
That makes sense because they now can have fresh boxes everyday.

7:27 p.m. A Bain Lane man said he found several parts of his son’s bike at a nearby home. The bike was stolen yesterday.
A bike chop shop?

7:57 p.m. A woman said she saw a man, who looked like he had been beaten, walking down Frontage Road near a diesel shop. She claimed no to know who he was, but she thought two men had held him down while a woman beat him with a cane.

Remember Ruth Buzy on Laugh-in? Remember when she used to beat Tyrone?

8:19 p.m. An intoxicated woman was asked to leave a restaurant in Bigfork that was closing, but she refused to leave. Authorities arrived and gave her a ride home. She said she couldn’t walk because she had “bad knees.”
My knees are pretty bad when I drink too. They usually get swimmy and wobbly afer my 6th Appletini. I'm just sayin....
8:30 p.m. Allegedly, a man pushed a woman into a ditch north of Ice Box Canyon. A deputy investigated and found the couple walking hand in hand.

That’s the day that Billy Joe McAllister pushed someone off the Ice Box Canyon Bridge…

9:03 p.m. A man was upset because he wanted to see a chiropractor immediately.
He must have had some bad back pain.

05-07-09
4:18 a.m. A girl’s boyfriend and father had a disagreement.
Here is a little tip from Gladys. Don't piss off your girlfriends daddy. He can make your life miserable.

7:07 a.m. Two cows were found on Bells Lane. Their owner was also found.
Were they together?

9:10 a.m. A car caught fire just past a steakhouse west of Whitefish.

I told Kahuna not to put the grill and the steaks in the car with the grill still burning.

12:07 p.m. A transient, who has been a drunken nuisance over the last week, was passed out on a bench on Conrad Drive.
Well at least he wasn’t walking around because THAT just isn’t allowed.

4:48 p.m. A man was seen in a blue shirt and a ball cap. He was crouched down on the ground near the railroad tracks in the Birch Grove area. He was shooting gophers, legally. Delmar O'Donnell: Care for some gopher?

Ulysses Everett McGill: No thank you, Delmar. One third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without bedding it down.

Delmar O'Donnell: Oh, you can have the whole thing. Me and Pete already had one apiece. We ran across a whole... gopher village.

8:46 p.m. A woman, who had a disagreement with her boyfriend, got her clothes tangled in a bike rack on the back of the car he was driving. She was dragged behind his car for a moment.
Sure that was an accident. Sure it was just a moment. He did that on purpose.

10:21 p.m. A turkey hunter was late arriving home.

What kind of Turkey was he hunting?

2:37 p.m. A female called in because she said her ex-boyfriend was having an underage drinking party.
And she called because she wasn’t invited?
05-11-09
10:33 a.m. A man said his estranged wife was harassing him.
Why can’t people just leave each other alone. It’s over, get over it and move on.

1:26 p.m. A man in his mid-30s, described as “unkempt,” was seen walking up and down driveways on Farm to Market Road. The caller said he had “tan-colored clothing, a white plastic sack in each hand and a set of antlers.” A deputy checked him out and advised the bearded man to move on to his destination – Lincoln County. Apparently the man has a negative history with law enforcement.

Not anymore.
2:58 p.m. A man, who was described as 6’1” with a black shirt and a bad attitude, refused to leave a gambling establishment. He did once the law was mentioned.
Johnny Cash is at it again.

5:39 p.m. A man was snooping in car windows in downtown Kalispell. He was wearing a “fake leather jacket.”
Oh MY GAWD! ARREST HIM NOW! A fake leather jacket? That is a mandatory 6 months in the slammer for bad fashion.

9:26 p.m. A man drove up to someone who was near an elementary school in Bigfork and asked them if they wanted a “dime bag.”
Gosh no wonder there is a drug problem if it only cost a dime.

12:53 a.m. A man was lying on the pavement just east of a Columbia Falls bar. Apparently he was waiting for his wife who picked him up soon thereafter.
Literally

05-12-09
2:45 a.m. Someone called twice from Evergreen to inform a dispatcher that a man in a silver Chevy was yelling.

Was he mad because his car was only silver while the other guy had a gold one?

3:27 a.m. Beach Road in Bigfork is still safe.
Thank GAWD. I was really worried about this guy. I mean it’s been months since we have had a report.

7:48 p.m. Mail was scattered all over the road. Two mailboxes were destroyed.
Somebody must have really been tired of getting junk mail.

9:22 a.m. A clerk in Ferndale said a man tried six credit cards, but each card was declined. Instead, the clerk took a check.
Yeah, that was a good idea. "You mean I can write a check? Oh I thought you wanted money."

2 p.m. Three goats were captured and returned to their home near the Flathead River Bridge.
Must have been the Three Billy Goats Gruff. The troll wouldn't let them pass.

3:24 p.m. The goats escaped again. This time they ate $100 worth of flowers on Helena Flats Road. The neighbor of the goats was livid.
The real story is neighbor didn’t pay his toll so the troll ate their flowers and blamed it on the poor billy goats.

10:02 p.m. Nineteen hours after the last report another report was logged about Beach Road being safe.
I can sleep soundly now knowing all is safe.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

Det. Joe Friday: Next time you want to make the news, step in front of a bus.