Wednesday, May 27, 2009

CRS Syndrome-

About a year ago my mother-in-law who just happens to be 82 failed her Department of Motor Vehicles written driver's test because she only scored 70% and couldn't remember the law regarding bike paths. This began a complete and utter shit storm of events which honestly have left me speechless and a little less than happy with a whole group of medical professionals and family members. That, though, is another story for another day. Marge, my mother-in-law, was crushed at the thought that she failed her written test. Then a couple of weeks later she received a letter from the hollowed halls of crap known as the State of Californica which stated that she had Alzheimer's. How they determined this is beyond me, yet the effects of that letter were devastating not only to her but to a good deal of her family who for some reason decided that the DMV was qualified to bestow this diagnosis. Like I said this began a very long journey to a totally different diagnosis and six months of an 82 year old spry woman sleeping 23 hours a day in a drug and depression induced haze.

Her diagnosis got me thinking about myself and things I do that could be misconstrued. This of course leads me to a story. A story of how I too could have been accused of having dementia or Alzheimer's. You can read about some of my other symptoms here at Where Did I Put My Glasses.

I didn't go into the big city often but when I did I made the most of it. I would most likely have three or four children in tow and a list of things to purchase and do before we would make the hour and half trip back to the little town where we lived. This one particular trip was in the middle of a hot muggy summer in South Texas. I loaded up the four year old, the six year old and the thirteen year old eye rolls and all into the baby bus and headed toward the big city. The first stop was of course the nearest Pappasitas Mexican Restaurant. Then on to the Diarrhea Mall. The kids were excited because they could strap on the blades and glide across the ginormous ice rink and wonder through the Disney store or FAO Schwartz. I carefully parked my huge gas guzzling SUV, this was before Al Gore and $5.00 a gallon fuel. I noted the level and the number of my parking space then we entered the mall.

We touched, felt, smelt, ate and did everything we could in the mall. I was exhausted following my charges around charging stuffed animals and giant pretzels. Remember I said this was before $5.00 gas and a failing economy. I hefted our bags and told the wee ones to hold each other hands as we headed for Marshall Fields. We exited into the parking garage from M.F. and headed to where my SUV was parked. We schlepped our overflowing packages to the third level and space 20,299 and there it sat, a worn out piece of crap Ford Futura. I looked at the note I had made on my hand in red pen to make sure I had the right level and the right space in the right row. It was a little smudged but it still said LEVEL 3, Row GREEN, Space 20,299. I told myself not to panic. I looked at the children's faces all looking at me with just a little fear in their eyes. Oh they weren't afraid we had lost the car. They were afraid their leader was going looney.

I wandered up and down the aisles with three little shadows. I climbed the stairs up a level, down a level. I wandered each and every floor of the parking garage. I fought back tears and swallowed my fear. I decided there was nothing left for me to do but to go find security then report my baby bus stolen. I felt so violated. I felt so wronged. I was mad. I was afraid and most of all I was tired. The children tried to console me, they tried to help me and they mostly tried not to laugh at me.

Finally I gave up and went to the security kiosk. A heavy set teenager with a badge looked up at me from his gameboy annoyed at my interruption. "Someone has stolen my vehicle" the words gushed from my mouth "I had it parked on level 3, Aisle Green, spot 20,299. I need you to go fingerprint the site, roll back your security footage and find my DAMN CAR RIGHT NOW!" The kids expression didn't change he yawned and said "are you sure that is where your car was? I mean people loose their cars all the time and it's just because they don't know where they parked." What was this pimple faced pipsqueak saying? Was he intoning that I didn't know where I parked? Did he think I was a nincompoop? Did he think I was an idiot? "I KNOW WHERE I PARKED" I bit back at him. "See I have it written right here on my hand" I said shoving my open palm in his beady eyes. He sighed, put his gameboy down and said "man I almost had all the pills in the right rows. Do you know how long I've been working on Dr. Mario?" Then he picked up his radio and said something that sounded like "a Big Mac and large order of fries" into the microphone. There was a crackling noise and a voice responded "would you like fries with that?" The tween security guard looked back at me and said "someone will be with you in a minute. Just go stand on level 2 of the south garage and a car will come around and help you search for your vehicle." I grabbed up my packages looked at my kids and said "thank you, I'm telling you someone has stolen my vehicle. It is not going to be in the south garage. It is not here." Then I stomped off three little ducklings following.

"We weren't in the south garage" came a little voice. I stopped mid-mall turned and looked at the four year old and said "What?" Eyeballman looked at me and said "we weren't in the SOUTH garage. We were in the EAST garage." I eyed the little G.P.S. spouting urchin and said "No, we parked outside of Marshall Fields. That is how I know we were in the right garage. Remember? We walked through Marshall Fields then out into the mall and you went to the Science Store and you got a Triceratops that eats jelly beans." He looked up at me and shook his head negative "no, we parked in the EAST Garage. That's why it said 'E' on the green pole." I looked at the other two for confirmation and they nodded their agreement with the human GPS. I shrugged and said "then how could we have been in the EAST garage but entered through Marshall Fields? Tell me that Mr. Smartypants." He smiled and said "cause there are two of them. Then he drug me to the map of the mall which of course is more complicated than a diagram of a neutron bomb. He pointed toward the South end of the mall where there was a big MF marked on a gigantic box the he moved his finger up and to the right where once again there was a big red box marked MF. Adjacent to the big red box was another box marked E Garage.

I studied the map and shook my head in disbelieve. How did a four year old know this and I didn't? Was I loosing my mind or had I already lost it? I hurried my group out the East entrance of the East side Marshall Fields and onto the third floor, green aisle and space 20,299. There it sat in a glow of a fluorescent light was my SUV. I clicked the security locks and there was it's familiar and comforting tweet. I opened the back hatch stuffed my purchases inside, belting the children in their seats and sped out of the garage at a speed that would make Ricky Bobby cringe.

Please don't tell the DMV that I did this. Please don't let them know that I often forget where I placed my glasses only to find them resting on my nose. Please don't tell them I forget the names of my children and call Falulah, Lulu and Lulu Falulah. Please don't tell them I have worn my shirt inside out and backwards all day and didn't notice it until I went to undress that night. Please don't tell them I forget the names of things and substitute made up names for them instead. Oh and especially don't tell them about my annoying habit of pouring myself a cup of hot coffee then promptly forgetting where I sat it down only to find it hours later cold next to the coffee pot. Please don't tell them that I have C.R.S.S. (can't remember shit syndrome) because they might, just might take away my driver's license and diagnose me with Alzheimers.


Kelly said...

I did the exact same thing at Disneyland. I would have sworn in a court of law I had parked in the SOUTH garage yet after hours (I'm not kidding) of searching, my car was found in the NORTH garage. Right where I had left it. I couldn't look the security guards in the eye.

"Another Kelly" at Banned Camp

The Texas Woman said...

Ah, another victim of C.R.S.S.! I have it too. And it's getting worse.

The Texas Woman

Queenie said...

The other day I found the iron in the refrigerator. Things are definitely going downhill.

Kelley said...

Oh boy. This sounds like something I would do!

rachaelgking said...

I have CRSS and I'm only 25. WTF?

RoeH said...

It's nice to know that our state taxes are going for such fine things as the Department of Motor Vehicles diagnosing a medical problem. Comforting. Scuzballs. I think about this constantly. I lose keys and everything all of the time. Somebody told me once that losing keys are not the problem. But when we see the key and not remember what it is and what it's for..... well..time to call the DMV for their diagnosis.

Very scary. And the car thing is not funny like people think it is. I've done that too. Smack that kid in the kiosk.

Toad said...

Would you consider renting out that kid? Mrs. T loses her car in a ten space lot..frequently.

Falulah! said...

Very good story Mama!