Just The Facts 5-26-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon: Police Blotter for the week ending 5-26-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff's reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

05-19-09

1:14 a.m. A divorcing couple on Coclet Lane disagreed about which objects belonged to whom.
Is it the Rose's?
I think every divorcing couple should be made to watch this movie. You know as an instructional video

1:49 a.m. A routine traffic stop in Bigfork resulted in pursuit when the driver abandoned his vehicle at the Electric Avenue bridge. Authorities chased him on foot for approximately six minutes and he was taken into custody.

Maybe it was the one hit wonder Eddy Grant
Down in the street there is violence
And a lots of work to be done
No place to hang out our washing
And I can't blame all on the sun, oh no

CHORUS:
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

3:58 a.m. An individual delivering newspapers noticed a person lurking in the bushes at a Shady Lane home. No such person was found.

That Shady Lane has some Shady residents on it. I think it was Bigfoot waiting for the paper.

1:59 p.m. What was thought to be illegal shooting was heard on Highway 93. The shots were, however, legal and safely directed toward gophers.

I see Bill Murray is at it again.

3:18 p.m. A cat was quarantined in Whitefish after choosing to bite someone.
That must have been one mad pussy cat.

3:21 p.m. A Coram individual wondered how to care for a toothache.
You have a mad cat bite you on the toe and you forget about your tooth.

4:19 p.m. A bright light was seen in the sky east of Kalispell. It was not caused by an aircraft.

Cartman had an anal probe.

4:20 p.m. The bright light was seen again, this time accompanied by a blue streak that crashed into the mountains east of Kalispell. The object could not be identified.

Was Richard Dryfuss chasing it in his repair truck? 6:00 p.m. An inebriated fellow on Stoner Creek Road punched his girlfriend. He was subsequently escorted to jail.

Was this before or after he saw the alien space craft crash into the mountains?

6:15 p.m. A car was spotted driving up and down the road in Martin City.

It was looking for the Martians that crashed into the mountains.

6:18 p.m. A missing child was located in Columbia Falls

Just like in Close Encounters of the 3^rd Kind. The aliens opened the door and all those lost people started pouring out.

6:32 p.m. The Coclet Lane couple clearly did not work out ownership of their possessions. The circumstance was reported as a burglary.

What? Oh yeah they are definitly the Roses.


7:27 p.m. A screen was cut at the Short Branch Bar in Lakeside. No entry was attempted.

It was Bigfoot running away from the aliens.

11:04 p.m. A gentleman at an Evergreen complained of a pit bull bite. He declined care.
Maybe he had a toothache and it took his mind off of it.
11:32 p.m. A gentleman was seen limping toward Wal-Mart.

Hey Martha. I'll be back in a bit. I'm gonna walk down to the Wall Marts and get me some Orajel and one of them do it yourself raybee kits. You want me to pick you up another carton of them Pal Malls whilst I'm out?

05-20-09

7:39 a.m. A vicious tomcat on Gunsight Loop is still at large. It has developed the habit of attacking a resident's cat, dog and husband.

Maybe it isn't really a tomcat but an alien disguised as a cat.

8:28 a.m. A mother dropped her children off at Evergreen Elementary in a leisurely manner, inspiring another mother to honk her horn. In response, the dawdling mom yelled violent profanities.

Gawd kids don't your parents just make you proud?

11:48 a.m. A white Jeep Cherokee has been driving by a Columbia Falls Stage home and peeping in the windows. The homeowners aid that it is not a Census worker.
Wait. Is that part of the job description? Must be peeping Tom? Who is Tom anyway and why is he a peeper?

5:16 p.m. A Ranchettes Drive female claims that a Chinese man from New York called her home. The caller said that he is going to send two men to hurt her.

The Chinese Mafia in Flathead? What next the crips and the bloods?

11:17 p.m. A Bowdish Road resident could hear a man yelling "all sorts of things," including but not limited to "Sweet Jesus!" and "Praise the Lord!" The concerned resident indicated that it did not sound like a fight.
Maybe he in a tag-team wrestling match with Jesus against the Satan and Osama Bin Laden.
11:38 p.m. Several intoxicated individuals at the Lion Lake campground were advised to lower their volume.

Just how does one lower the volume of their intoxication?
11:40 p.m. A Beach Road resident intended to retire for the night.

Yes but was everything okay on Beach Road? Did he see the aliens?

11:46 p.m. In Hungry Horse, "local dopers" were relocating cattle from one pasture to another. Notably, the cattle were not their own.

Hum maybe they wanted to see if they looked better in the other pasture. Or maybe they were hiding them from the aliens.

05-21-09
9:44 a.m. A woman on Dun Moving Lane claims that her long-time boyfriend is stalking her.

Gosh where I come from that is called dating.

11:21 a.m. An unknown individual lit a fire next to some apartments. A concerned tenant responded and doused the flames.

Here I come to save the day….

1:17 p.m. A horse decided to explore Kickbush Lane, eventually settling in at a private residence. The homeowner will corral it until the owner is located.
Aw come on Ma. I always wanted a pony. I know I'm 48 years old but I'll take care of it and feed it. It likes me see…

2:08 p.m. Cows on Halfmoon Road preferred the other side of the fence. Authorities assisted in the round-up.

Well it's like the old saying goes; the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

2:29 p.m. The cows on Halfmoon Road evidently had no interest in staying home. They proceeded to block the thoroughfare. It was a Bovine Mutiny

4:09 p.m. Individuals were shooting gophers on Farm to Market road. They did so from the comfort of their vehicle.
Well that's how I would prefer to shoot them in their own vehicle. I hate it when I shoot them in somebody else's vehicle or worse yet in my vehicle.

5:27 p.m. A brown and white dog was loitering at a school on Willow Glen Drive. He has been safely secured to the flagpole until further notice.

Maybe he is the proverbial triple dog of the triple dog dare

5:41 p.m. Kids were sliding off the roof and into a pool at Woodland Water Park. There goes those damn kids being kids again.

11:53 p.m. The cows on Halfmoon Road escaped once more.

Maybe if they were on Fullmoon Road they would stay put.
4:49 p.m. The Halfmoon cows were back out, clearly looking for trouble.

Did they find it? Was there a cow rumble?

05-22-09

6:59 a.m A knife was found on the road in Bigfork. It was double-edged and described as "rather large."

Must have been left by some of those cows out looking for trouble.

3:56 p.m. Someone was burning trash on Halfmoon Road. The fire department informed them that burning garbage is harmful to the environment.

Sounds like those delinquent cows are at it again.

5:48 p.m. Three kids described as "chubby" were throwing rocks at houses. They were counseled on their "unruly ways."

Now Johnny, I've told you before to stop eating those Twinkies they make you chubby and a little juvenile delinquent

8: 07 p.m. Five children in a blue vehicle were not safely restrained. In fact, one of them was perched on the driver's lap.
Now see I remember when you could do that and no one thought anything of it. I in fact used to drive my daddy's dodge pick-up perched on his lap turning the wheel with the suicide knob.
10:11 p.m. A female customer at a Lakeside establishment refused to leave. She was transported for a mental health evaluation.
Maybe she was an old hippie protestor. Hell No I Won't Go! Hell No I Won't Go!
12:10 a.m. A man in a red truck pulled up to a Conrad Drive residence and commenced to scream. He was later pulled over and warned that his actions were unacceptable.

Maybe he was screaming because the aliens gave him an anal probe or he saw Bigfoot.

05-25-09

6:17 a.m. An Ezy Drive resident received a letter requesting money.

You know what they say Ezy come, Ezy Go.

8:33 a.m. Someone was strolling down Highway 35 screaming at cars and flashing obscene gestures. He was later found to be involved with dangerous drugs.

10:04 a.m. An individual had questions regarding drug activity in the Hungry Horse area.

Maybe he should have asked the guy from the previous call.

11:04 a.m. A car supposedly hit a fire hydrant, causing it to gush large amounts of water. The guilty party was found to be the Water Department safely opening the hydrant during a routine check.

Nope officer I work for the water department, I just forgot my pipe wrench and decided that runnnin over it with my car would do the same job.

1:05 p.m. A man injured himself while wielding a chainsaw. He was 35 up a tree at the time.

35 what?
1:23 p.m. Bandannas were stolen from a local box store.It was that gang of Halfmoon cows.
3:37 p.m. A building described as big and tan with an orange roof was reportedly on fire. Upon closer investigation a nearby wood pile was ablaze.
Ma'am when was the last time you had your eyes checked? You might want to see the Optometrist.
6:23 p.m. Someone attempted to drive through a tree at Lawrence Park. I drove through a redwood one time.

4:30 a.m. Someone heard footsteps on their deck.

Bigfoot is back.