Just the Facts Week Ending 5/18/2009

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 5-18-09.

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

05-13-09
6:47 a.m. Someone found a brand new four-wheeler behind their garage in Evergreen. It was stolen from a nearby dealer.
Hey Maw! Come look Bigfoot done brought us a new 4 wheeler! Weehooo! I told you leaving out milk and cookies would get us something! He's just like Santa.

7:02 a.m. A man bought a gun on the Internet. It doesn’t work.
Maybe he needs to buy the bullets off the internet too.

8:22 a.m. There was family dispute in Olney. Apparently the ownership of some hound dogs was in question.
Now Ernest, that there welp is mine. I know I have 42 other hound dawgs but I done caught old Duke over there locked up with your Daisy. So that-uns mine.

11:42 a.m. A female dog and her pups were barking in Columbia Falls. Reports indicate that the dogs were Boxers.
Were they Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali? Float like a butterfly sting like a bee…

12:50 p.m. A woman said she saw two males, who looked like they were teenagers, throw a bike off a bridge. She mentioned that in the newspaper someone had reported a bike stolen. She thought that, perhaps, this was the bike. An officer investigated and could not find anything.
Evidently they didn’t realize it wasn’t the 3rd of June and it was not another hot and dusty Delta Day. (for you youngins out there go look up Ode to Billy Joe)

2:22 p.m. A 28-year-old man was kicked out of his parent’s home. Someone called back and said, “forget it, forget it, forget it.”
Um, he is TWENTY-EIGHT years old. What ever happened to breaking their plate when they turn 18? You don’t know what that is? When your child turns 18 you take them outside with their possessions give them a big hug and a kiss and $50.00 tell them to go forth find a job and prosper. Then you break their dinner plate. That signifies they must now feed themselves.

2:50 p.m. A man’s paycheck was found on the railroad tracks in Columbia Falls. He lives on Poverty Lane.
Maybe if he kept his paycheck in the bank he wouldn’t live on Poverty lane.

3 p.m. A man and woman had a dispute over personal possessions.
That’s mine! No it’s mine. Mine, mine, mine!

4:48 p.m. A man reported a gun stolen. He did so from jail.
Um, buddy I don’t think your gonna get it back.

8:08 p.m. A knife was found in the men’s room on the third floor of the Justice Center.
Well he couldn’t find his gun…

05-15-09
7:48 a.m. Four fishing poles were reported stolen in Bigfork.
What is that old saying feed a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life? Here is the addition teach a man to steal and he is a criminal for life.
9:14 a.m. Someone said they saw a mountain lion in their neighbor’s field on Janens Way in Columbia Falls.
Then don’t go in that field.

11 a.m. A Whalebone Drive resident inquired about test results. Apparently, they were bitten by a dog.
Hi, yeah I was bitten by a dog and I was wondering should I go get tested? What? Did he look sick? No but he did look like he had been gargling with hydrogen peroxide.

Whose a good doggie? Whose a good puppy? Puppy wanta treat?

4:59 p.m. A man allegedly knocked on some doors and let out a scream in the Evergreen area.

Ahhhooooohh….Werewolves of London. Oh wait that would be Werewolves of Evergreen. Where Werewolf? There werewolf. There Castle.
10:52 p.m. Someone reported a “miniature Pincher with a pink collar” missing at the Old Steel Bridge.
That poor pooch probably jumped because he was wearing an oh so masculine pink collar.

3:47 p.m. Someone on Beach Road in Bigfork said a laser was being shone into their home.
Hum, so I guess things are NOT all right on Beach Road.

05-18-09
4:42 am – A male was spotted relieving himself outside a Lakeside gas station. He left in a minivan before authorities could arrive.
He was finished why would he stick aaround. Hey Gilbert wanna stick around and see how long it takes my pee to dry?

Sure Dale I ain't got nuthin better to do.

9:07 am – A gentleman hiked seven miles to a Forest Service cabin. According to his father, he intended to “stay a year.”
Let me guess, he was 28 years old.

12:08 pm – A dog was dangling by its leash from the porch of a Shady Lane home. The owner reportedly came out, assessed the situation, and returned inside without assisting the dog.
OK now it’s the owners turn to dangle from a leash.

1:34 pm – A large white poodle, reportedly sporting long hair on its legs and ears but a shaven body, was wandering around Coram unescorted. Authorities left a door-hanger at the owner’s home.
I wonder if it was one of those wild Poodles of Boreno?

3:35 pm – A possible case of animal neglect in Kila turned out to be a dog in a small kennel on the owner’s back porch.
Oh I see dangling a pooch from a porch is okay but keep it contained so it doesn’t hurt itself is neglect?

4:29 pm – Small propane tanks were reported stolen from a residence opposite the Damtown Tavern. They were last seen during hunting season.
So do you think they were using the propane tanks to hunt with?
Hey Dave, you go over there and place that propane tank next to that buck. Yeah sneak up on him real quiet like. Now hold my beer and watch this.

4:46 pm – A tree severed a power line and caught on fire.
The power line or the tree?

5:32 pm – A Husqvarna chainsaw, worth $1,000, was stolen from a Jellison Road porch. It was identified as orange.
Now who has an orange porch and if you did why would you leave your expensive chain saw on it?

5:42 pm – A Brunner Road couple were at odds after the male would not remove his shoes. He left on foot, possibly wearing a Jeff Gordon hat, but later returned and all was well. The couple was advised to separate for the night.
I ain’t takin my shoes off. Jeff Gordon don’t have to take his shoes off in his own house.

5:53 pm – A male in a blue Dodge truck was removing a tree from East Oregon Street. He later received permission from the tree’s owner.
Is this a case of it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?

5:54 pm – Four or five people were possibly stealing an apple tree. Come to find out, they drove a blue Dodge truck and had permission from the tree’s owner.
I never realized that tree rustlin was such a big problem.

"Come on sheriff let's round us up a posse. We's got us a bunch of tree rustlers on the loose."

6:01 pm – An adult was harassing a neighbor’s kids about driving their bikes recklessly up and down the road. The same adult took pictures of the kids on bikes.
Is he going to frame the pictures and give them to their parents? I mean how dare kids ride their bikes!

"...and this one is a picture of little Evil doing tricks on his bike. Yes our neighbor Fred took this. Isn't it a great action shot? Yes we couldn't be more proud"

7:27 pm – A husband and wife in Columbia Falls engaged in a verbal altercation. They eventually decided that they could get along.
Now see here is where on the show COPS they have the shirtless, toothless man in handcuffs after he has just beaten the crap out of his wife. She is standing there with two black eyes, a broken nose and several teeth missing in her tube top and red bra straps. She grabs the first police officer and cries “Please don’t hurt him. I lurv him. He didn’t mean to hit me. I just pissed him off cause I drank the last Bud lite.”

9:06 pm – Horses were running amok on Foothills Road. They were, however, too skittish to round up that night.
Isn’t that what horses do? Run amok?

9:51 pm – What may have been gunshots or fireworks were heard on Highway 2.
Six of one half dozen of another.

Dragnet Quote of the Week:

Gannon: (to Friday)Nothing ever happens the easy way with you, does it?