Just the Facts Week Ending 5/4/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 5-4-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

04-29-09
8:25 a.m. A woman wouldn’t let her intoxicated husband leave in his car. He eventually got a ride to the hospital for some help.
Remember George Jones, the country singer? His wife did this and he just took the riding lawn mower.

11:30 a.m. Someone staying at a hotel in Somers drank too much booze. They were still drunk the next day.
And then they were hung-over. Very hung-over. Hey maybe it was the guy from above.

12:50 Someone’s neighbor yelled at them and made them cry. Apparently, a cat is causing the commotion.
What a Wuss.

2:46 p.m. A report of a building collapsing in Bigfork was false. It turns out that only a sign blew away.
Hey it felt like the building was collapsing. Those were some powerful winds.

3:01 p.m. An 18-year-old male got into it with his parents. He left their home, but returned later. He went to jail.
What did he go to jail for? Getting into it with his parents or for leaving home? Oh wait he went to jail for coming back!


4:08 a.m. A woman said she was home alone with her kids on Braig Lane in Columbia Falls. Reportedly, she said, a man was outside her window for the third time.
That was no man, that was Bigfoot.

04-30-09
8:23 a.m. Two dogs were reported stolen on US Highway 2. The reporting party said one dog was tied to a tree, while details about the other dog are not known. When the reporting party returned, the rope had been cut and both dogs were gone.
Bigfoot doesn’t like it when you tie your dog up. Bigfoot loves dogs, they taste like chicken.

Chicken Tamales.

10:40 a.m. Someone living on Sunny Lane in Columbia Falls said their neighbor’s place is a mess. Apparently garbage is all over the property.


Yeah, but they live next to the dump. 12:39 p.m. A man pulled his car into someone else’s driveway on West Evergreen Drive. He was resting.
Sure he was resting, he was drunk. He got his car keys back from his ex-wife when she was hiding his tractor.


12:42 p.m. Reportedly, a woman was kneeling and talking herself on Terry Road.
This is a crime? Talking to yourself is a crime? Oh geeze I’m in BIG trouble.

2:57 p.m. A man was being verbally abusive over the telephone.
Ok this is kinda like the T.V. and the computer. If you don’t like what they are saying turn it off.

3:28 p.m. A man said his River Road neighbor is filming his activities.
Paranoid much?

4:11 p.m. Reportedly a 55- to 60-year-old man was harassing a high school softball team. He had glasses, is balding and was riding a large tricycle.
For all of you old enough to remember Laugh-In… Did he say “Walenetto”

05-01-09

6:36 a.m. Someone in Whitefish said they were planning to “extract their neighbor’s teeth” today.
Are they a dentist?

8:08 a.m. A person wanted to know what they could do about someone who is speeding in their private subdivision.
Tack Strips. Works like a charm. I'm just saying....

12:37 p.m. A man backed his truck into a train car, breaking an electrical box and his back window. He had gray hair and was wearing a black leather coat.
I thought Johnny Cash was dead. Sounds like the man in black was having a bad day.


1:37 p.m. Someone in Evergreen reported a camera stolen. It was a digital.
Yes but did it have film of his neighbor on it?

2:03 p.m. A couple carloads of kids were kicked out of a cemetery because, according to the reporting party, they were “dressed oddly and running around.” Reportedly, the caller said one of the kids, a female, had bright pink hair or was wearing a wig. Officers caught up with the female, who turned out to be a male, wearing a pink hat.
Eye witnesses are so reliable.

3:43 p.m. A woman crashed her car into a ditch at a high rate of speed. Her face was bloody.
If that was the only thing she had wrong then she is a lucky duck.

3:54 p.m. Two hitchhikers, one of whom was holding a sleeping bag, yelled at a man because he would not give them a ride.
What was he going to do? Smother him with a sleeping bag? Zip him up in the giant sleeping bag zipper?
“Yeah Fred, I heard about the sleeping bag zipper hitch-hiker murder. He threatens you with a sleeping bag. Don’t pick em up.”
4:02 p.m. An elderly woman was driving at a low rate of speed on the shoulder on US Highway 93. Apparently, she was running over debris.
And?
4:04 p.m. A Hungry Horse woman called in because her neighbor habitually drives while intoxicated. She was told to call back when he was driving.
Woman: “Officer my neighbor drives drunk.”
Officer: “Where is he right now?”
Woman: “The last time I looked through my zoom lens camera, he was sitting on his couch drinking a Bud”
5:33 p.m. A man was upset because his water had been shut off. Reportedly, he went to a member of the water board’s home and yelled things.
Yeah that will get it turned back on. Why didn't he just pee in the guys driveway?

6:31 p.m. A 16-year-old boy threw pizza at someone, then locked his mom in their home in Columbia Falls.
Parent much?
7:44 p.m. Two dogs cornered a cat. It’s an ongoing issue.
Good one Julius
7:52 p.m. A 17-year-old male said another male punched him in February.
Again why are you reporting it in MAY? Did he hit you into next month? Or Did he knock your ass into a coma?
9:06 p.m. An intoxicated woman in Coram asked another woman to cash a check for her. The other woman refused. So, according to police reports, the drunken woman went to the parking lot “danced around, pulled her pants down and then urinated on the ground.”
Is that called your mouth writing a check your ass can’t cash?
05-04-09
12:23 a.m. A compression unit of a stove created a “hot smell.”
Imagine a stove smelling hot.
12:39 a.m. A man and his fiancée were separated for the night. They had a premarital spat.
Maybe they should re-think those nuptials.
6:15 a.m. A 2-year-old grizzly bear was on someone’s Rabe Road porch peering in the window. The bear, according to the caller, didn’t mind the dog in the yard.
The bear knows what Bigfoot knows…dogs taste like chicken. Also and too...how do they know it was two? Did they ask? Hey Smokey THE Bear how old are you?
9:21 a.m. A woman said her ex-husband keyed her car after he called her 72 times.
Well he tried to warn her.
11:47 a.m. Two teenage boys had a spat. Neither wanted to press charges.
No they will wait until next month to do that.
11:48 a.m. Two females were shoving each other on Canyon Road in Hungry Horse.
Girl Fight!

Look cat fight!

2:38 p.m. Some youngsters were driving a riding lawn mower up and down a hill in Happy Valley. They were pulling skateboarders and, reportedly, had nearly tipped the mower several times.
There goes those kids being kids again. (Actually sounds pretty much what we did in the parking lot in High School).

3:49 p.m. A man, who goes by the alias “DJ No. 5,” was OK. Turns out he was just intoxicated.
Does he live on Beech Road in Bigfork?
5:31 p.m. A 15-year-old girl, who has her learner’s permit, drove her vehicle into a ditch near Hellman Lane. Reports indicate that she was trying to adjust her windshield wipers when she lost control.
Maybe she needs remedial Drivers’ Education
5:45 p.m. A Woodland Drive dog bit the tail off a cat.
Hum maybe dogs like the taste of pussy… cats.

6:14 p.m. A woman said kids threw a rock at her car as she was traveling on Willow Glen Drive. Apparently the woman knew the kids. The matter has been resolved.
Did she throw rocks back?

6:18 p.m. A young male was riding a motorcycle around a playground and, reportedly, jumped some of the equipment. A deputy took him home and talked to his mother.
Ruh-roh Reorge…I bet he was in trouble.
Officer: Mrs. Knevil. We caught little Evil jumping playground equipment on his motorcycle. I told him he will never get anywhere doing things like that. No one is interested in watching someone risk their life like that.
8:41 p.m. A man had a puffy face, so he went the hospital. He might be allergic to something.
Remember Martin Short in the movie “Pure Luck” when he gets stung by a bee. Yeah that is what I envision.










9:20 p.m. A woman said four dogs chased her daughter as she rode past a home on Columbia Falls Stage Road.
Maybe they thought SHE tasted like chicken.
2:53 a.m. Loud music and “bass” were reported on Poplar.
Um bet the culprit wasn’t very Poplar


4:17 a.m. A white-haired woman was seen walking down the road wrapped in a blanket. A deputy found her and gave her a ride back to an assisted living facility.
I kept telling the officer I was just out for a walk but he insisted he take me to the “old folks home”.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

Joe Friday: There's the limo from the mansion.

Pep Streebeck: Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.

Joe Friday: Let's check Enid Bordon's description.

Pep Streebeck: Well? [Opens his notebook and reads from it]

Pep Streebeck: Big, bad, stupid-looking.

Joe Friday: An exact match.