"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 7-14-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
5:28 a.m. The remains of a dead deer obstructed the entrance to a Whitefish hospital. The carcass was efficiently removed.
“I’m sorry sir”, Dr. Kildare bemoaned, “there was nothing more I could do for him other than sautee him with some mushrooms and serve him and serve him with some wild Rice.”
7:45 a.m. Someone on Third Avenue West dialed 9-1-1 to report that a neighbor was running a lawn mower too early in the morning. Don't you just hate that? Someone calling the police on you for mowing your yard?
8:50 a.m. Though it is unknown exactly how, a Port-A-Potty was thoroughly destroyed at McGregor Lake.Trooper Bob! You have some sesplainnin to do.
9:17 a.m. A trailer home and vehicle on Farm to Market Road were at the receiving end of leftover artillery shells, used in this case as destructive weapons. Who said there weren’t any Weapons of Mass Destruction? Sadam hid them in a trailer house.
10:08 a.m. A man and his wife, both residents of Conrad Drive, are engaged in an unusual conflict as they navigate the throes of divorce. Evidently, the fellow has allowed his cat to reside at the woman’s home but will not purchase food for the creature. The cat must now eat the woman’s cat food, causing her much distress.
Well at least she isn’t eating the cat. (Once again go Netflix “War of the Roses”)
12:25 p.m. A woman in Somers has not seen her sister in four days. The sister was found and is completely fine.
Heck I haven’t seen my sister in a year...wonder if I should call 9-1-1?
1:06 p.m. Young drivers apparently like to “peel out” over speed bumps on Black Hawk Lane. It is important to note that a private resident erected the speed bumps in question.
I guess that didn’t slow those crazy kids down now did it?
2:53 p.m. A local pastor called to report that an elderly male acquaintance might have been “taken advantage of,” referring to items and cash that have gone missing from his home.
And who do you think is responsible for that? SATAN?
5:00 p.m. A resident of Martin City is concerned about a distant relative that he has not seen in over two weeks. The relative evidently lives in a van and is known to visit a Coram bar every morning.
Does he live in a Van down near the River? Does he look like Chris Farely?
5:18 p.m. A 16-year-old female on Pleasant Valley Road threatened her mother with scissors and bit the neighbor boy, after which she promptly ran away from the home. The young lady was found and escorted to the juvenile detention center.
Was her name Nell?
9:37 p.m. A large black cow was spotted running northbound on Airport Road. The animal was gone when authorities arrived.
Geeze how long did it take them to get there? I mean how fast can a LARGE cow run? I can’t run very fast at all.
7:43 a.m. The Somers post office contained what seemed to be a very confused bat. The animal was apparently “wedged in” by the door and could not find a suitable exit.
Remember the time on The Munsters when Grandpa got drunk and woke up in a Brothel? No? Hum maybe that was one of those strange dreams I’ve been having.
12:04 p.m. Numerous animals on Black Middle Road appeared to be grazing on land with no grass or access to water. The creatures included donkeys, sheep and llamas.
Donkeys, sheep and llamas? OH MY!
1:18 p.m. A small black Cocker Spaniel was running amok on Highway 93. The pooch was identifiable by its “recent haircut.”
I guess that would be like a tattoo for us.
”yes officer he had a distinguishing hair cut”
2:25 p.m. A home menagerie appeared to be suffering neglect on Hoffman Draw in Kila. Reportedly, the chickens were eating on another, the goats had no food and the macaw was pulling out its feathers. Further investigation found the animals happy and healthy.
Dr. Dolittle what have we told you about prank phone calls?
6:35 p.m. Smith Valley Fire Department was unable to retrieve a cat from a tree on Hoffman Draw in Kila, stating that the creature was simply too high up for rescue. Though the cat has been up there for over two days, authorities advised that it will come down when hungry.
Why did they even try? All they had to do was open a can of tuna and place it at the bottom of the tree. That cat and 47 more will be there before you can blink.
9:13 p.m.9 Yelling and screaming emanated from a residence on Columbia Falls Stage Road, culminating in a single gunshot. Evidently, the dogs residing at the residence were fighting and the shot was fired overhead in an effort to calm them down.
Yeah I know a gun shot always calms me down.
9:20 p.m. An older male gentleman was spotted sitting atop an A-frame roof in Martin City, reportedly handing out pills to 9- and 10-year-old children. The man, described only as having “balding jeans,” could not be located upon authorities’ arrival.
Maybe they were just Tic Tacs.
9:46 a.m. Mailboxes on Blanchard Lake Road were victims of violence by baseball bat.10:57 a.m. Mailboxes on Middle Road were also assaulted in the night.
What did they do to deserve this? I mean they are just innocent mailboxes sitting there waiting for someone to open them up and shove bills in them..
12:03 p.m. Smoke billowed from a recreational fire on Highway 2 East.
What were they smoking?
12:20 p.m. Officials set up a trap in Hungry Horse, hoping to catch a problem cat. Specific details of the cat issue are unknown.
I think I met that cat Saturday and he shall be called Problem Child Ripley the Amazing.
12:36 p.m. An individual on Trumble Creek Road thought that someone may have attempted to break into his vehicle. Entry was not gained, and the vehicle did not sustain damage.
Hey, you might want to take better care of your vehicle if you can’t tell if someone has broken into it or not.
2:18 p.m. Still more mailboxes were demolished on Middle Road.
Oh the inhumanity of it all!
5:13 p.m. A border patrol agent stumbled upon an injured man on a Polebridge trail. The head wound was not life-threatening, but did cause the individual to lapse in consciousness.
I don’t know if I have said this before or not but Polebridge is off the grid. It’s out where the buses don’t run. It is in the middle of nowheresville. What the heck is this guy doing out walking around and who the heck does the border patrol agent is coming there? I mean do you really think a bunch of Canadians are sneaking across the border to work for minimum wage?
5:17 p.m. A woman reported that a ring had gone missing. The ring may have been stolen or perhaps simply lost.Or maybe she stuck it in her pocket to get free drinks on singles night.
6:35 p.m. A female driver on Badrock Drive reports that another female, also driving, was calling and harassing her. Well at least it happened on Badrock Drive and not on Harmony Lane.
6:43 p.m. Someone flung a flaming beer box from the window of a red pickup truck near Beaver Lake. A concerned witness promptly extinguished the blaze.
A Flaming Beer Box?
9:20 p.m. The problem cat in Hungry Horse was finally trapped and taken to the shelter.
Did they call in the Mounties or just use a can of tuna?
6:44 a.m. The wiring behind a gambling machine at a Whitefish casino caused a small electrical fire. The blaze did not spread to the surrounding area. Was it a flaming “7” machine? That was one of Nurse Meme’s favorite machines. In fact I watch her win a couple of thousand dollars on a flaming machine. She was hot that night!
9:11 a.m. A 5-year-old and an 8-year-old child went missing on Trap Road. They were later located near the home. They were taken by Bigfoot
9:49 a.m. Someone was leaning against a fence on Hodgson Road, evidently alarming nearby residents. Montana Highway Patrol responded and discovered that he was merely waiting for a ride.
I guess it’s illegal to lean in Montana.
2:07 p.m. The wood surrounding a hot tub on 4th Avenue EN caught fire, the origin of which is unknown. Fortunately the hot tub was unoccupied at the time.
Maybe they were just heating it up.