Just The Facts 7-21-09

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 7-21-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

Tuesday 7/14

8:27 a.m. Several cows of an unknown variety were exploring Stillwater Road.
It was the League of Extraordinary Cows

8:54 a.m. Near Marion, 20 head of mischievous cattle blocked the thoroughfare. They were eventually persuaded to stay on the proper side of the fence.
Those cows sure are busy.

12:21 p.m. Someone flattened another individual’s tires on Stoneridge Drive. They did so by inserting screws into the rubber.
Yeup that will do it. So will an ice pick. Not that I would know first hand or anything.

4:27 p.m. Someone reports losing three or four $100 bills “all over Flathead Valley.” The money has not yet been located.
Well was it three or four? I think if I lost $100’s I would know exactly how much I lost.

5:16 p.m. A man outside a local motel was attempting to purchase marijuana from passers-by. His efforts proved unsuccessful.
Evidently since he got caught 7:02 p.m. Labrant Road was blocked by a large fallen tree. The issue was quickly resolved by means of a chainsaw.
Was it Leatherface?

10:24 p.m. A grizzly bear attempted to attack a horse on Lake Five Road. The marauding creature fled after being attacked by the reporting party’s dog.
That must have been one tough dog. I bet it was a Chihuahua
Wednesday 7/15

6:47 a.m. Some sort of explosive device detonated in a newspaper delivery tube on Trail Ridge Drive. The receptacle was utterly destroyed.
They are just practicing until they can graduate into blowing up bigger things.

6:51 a.m. A tree fell across a road in Whitefish.
Yes but did anyone hear it fall?

9:38 a.m. Someone cut a gas line and siphoned gasoline on Dogwood Avenue. The fuel was removed from a standard lawn mower.
As opposed to a non-standard one?

9:51 a.m. A 24-year-old male suffered an elbow injury after crashing his bicycle.
Did he hurt his funny bone?

Why do they call it a funny bone anyway. I hit mine all the time and it’s not the least bit funny.

5:49 p.m. A Columbia Falls resident lost their kayak on the North Fork of the Flathead River.
Were they in it at the time?

5:59 p.m. Tools were stolen from a residence on Pickleville Lane in Somers.
Were they pickling tools?

6:39 p.m. An unwanted individual entered his step-parents home on Dun Movin Lane. He was advised against doing so.
I guess he wasn’t Dun Movin

10:04 p.m. Individuals were throwing water balloons on West Valley Drive. Apparently, one of the projectiles shattered the windshield of a nearby vehicle.
Dang I don’t think that was a good idea putting Quickcrete in that there water balloon Fred.

11:06 p.m. Four men attacked an employee of a local party rental store as he was leaving work. They have not yet been apprehended.
Well they were real party poopers.

Thursday 7/16

8:16 a.m. Someone decided to drive on the lawn at a local private school. This detracted from the lawn’s aesthetic appearance.
Maybe they were trying to make some interesting designs in the lawn.

12:45 p.m. On Highway 2, someone spotted a big brown llama eluding captivity. The creature was gone when authorities arrived.
Those Houdini Llamas are very tricky.

4:13 p.m. An individual seen near Hungry Horse Reservoir may have had mental health issues. Forest Service officials were notified.

Was it the aluminum foil cap or the Superman cape that gave him away?

5:15 p.m. A young child captured a bat at an education center on North Fork Road. The family was advised to bring the bat in for disease testing.
Why? Why did they capture the bat? That to me is like playing with mice or snakes. No just NO .

6:54 p.m. At a local grocery store, someone recognized a dog in an unfamiliar car as their own. The dog was returned and all was well.
Maybe the dog just wanted to go for a ride.

9:32 p.m. Smoke on State Park Drive in Whitefish turned out to be from a recreational campfire. The campers were advised to burn only clean wood.
Is that what they mean by clean energy? Washed wood?

10:32 p.m. Someone managed to get their truck stuck on the boat ramp at Emery Bay on the Hungry Horse Reservoir. When confronted by the campground host, the driver became disorderly and hostile.
Don’t take it personally it was just pissed that he got his truck stuck.

11:49 p.m. A daughter and her parents argued in Martin City. The issue was resolved and all parties went to bed.
This makes the police blotter? Parents and their kids arguing? I thought that is just what happened.

2:33 a.m. A gentleman hanging around a local eatery claims that he is with the FBI. He is in reality not with the FBI.
Was he at the Do Drop Inn?




Friday 7/17
6:15 a.m A would-be robbery went awry at a convenience store on Highway 2. Evidently, a woman snatched two cans of beer and bolted to a waiting getaway car. Her partner in crime then drove the car directly into a nearby ditch after which the duo was arrested for shoplifting and DUI.
Maybe they should have waited to rob the store when they were sober.

10:40 a.m. A resident of Plentywood Drive discovered that an empty trailer down the road contained a gaggle of transients. The individuals were asked to move along.
A gaggle of transients? Were they geese?

11:12 a.m. Someone removed a table and chair from a Bigfork restaurant.
I have taken a pack of sugar or two and maybe even made off with a glass or two but a table and chair?

12:15 p.m. A utility trailer came unhooked from a vehicle on Highway 2. This constituted a major hazard for other motorists.
Dang Fred I thought you hooked up the trailer I didn’t know you wanted me to.

12:27 p.m. Someone on Kokanee Bend claims that a neighbor’s horse is standing in a pasture with no access to shade. Authorities responded and found that the horse did indeed have shade available but had chosen to stand in the sun.
Maybe it was getting a tan.
1:33 p.m. While it appeared that a pit bull on Killdeer Lane had no access to shade or water, the creature did indeed have water and liked to lie in the sun.

I don’t blame him. I like to lie in the sun too especially on the beach. Usually though a crowd forms and they try to pull me into the water.
2:30 p.m. Dogs on Mountain View Lane were lying in the sun. Authorities gave the owner suggestions for keeping them in the shade.4:58 p.m. On Anderson Lane, a dog keeps bringing home chickens from a neighbor’s yard. This frustrates the neighbor, who is rather fond of his poultry..
Evidently so is the dog.

7:29 p.m. A 38-year-old male driver hit a cow on Lost Prairie Road. His teeth were knocked out on impact.
The cows or the mans? Do they make dentures for cows?

8:01 p.m. A 20-year-old male fell out of his boat on Echo Lake.
Maybe he just had to pee so he jumped in the water.

9:02 p.m. Someone created speed bumps on Blackhawk Lane in Evergreen. This irritates several drivers in the area

Someone CREATED speedbumps? Out of what?

.9:13 p.m. A Kila resident placed a load of gravel on a neighbor’s property. He became angry after the neighbor removed it.
I am confused he was mad because his neighbor took his own gravel?

.9:56 p.m. Someone was bitten on the nose by a spider at a Hungry Horse bar. He became very ill and began to shake.
Gives new insight to along came a spider and sat down beside her...

10:35 p.m. A resident of River Place claims that a neighbor detonated an explosive device and that a Ford sedan is now on fire. The blast apparently blew the trunk off of the vehicle.
I guess he graduated from blowing up mail boxes.