Just The Facts 7-28-09

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 7-28-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

I am going to stray a bit from the norm. Ha! Like I have a norm. Anyway Donna sent me this from the Dutch Harbor Alaska Ear. Yes that is the same Dutch Harbor from which our brave seamen of the Deadliest Catch hail.
Gladys, here's another one from Dutch Harbor, AK.

IMPERFECT CRIME . . . Here's an excerpt from Ear's favorite police blotter, documenting life in Unalaska/Dutch Harbor:
"07/18/09--Sat--0207--Trespass -- An agitated, drunken patron who had groped a cocktail waitress was asked to leave the bar but did not wish to do so. (M.M.), 24 yoa, of Washington, was arrested for Criminal Trespass II after he cursed at an officer and refused to leave the area. (MM) was uncooperative at the jail and, among other things, attempted to drown himself, twice, by placing his head in a toilet in his cell but was unsuccessful due to the fact that he had to keep coming up for air."
So which one of the ships captains do you think this was? Oh and I guess you know my dirty little secret, I am addicted to that damn show.


Tuesday 7/21

4:57 a.m. Two juveniles were chased by an animal in Marion. They safely outran the creature, the identity of which is still unknown.
The boys or the creature? Was it Bigfoot? The creature not the boys.

12:46 p.m. A resident of Solberg Drive claims that her grandmother is harassing her. On one specific occasion, the reporting party saw the grandmother standing outside her home.
Maybe Grandma just misses her Sweet Little Snookem-ookems.
2:12 p.m. On Harmony Drive, a male took his ex-girlfriend’s vehicle without her knowledge and proceeded to wreck it.
Well I guess that showed her. I'm telling you if you want to have a good relationship don't move to Harmony Drive.

5:10 p.m. Someone spotted a black bear on Whitefish Hills Drive. Evidently, the bear was lethargic, could not walk properly and was not afraid of people.
My guess the bear found the stash of mushrooms. Gosh I hope someone told him not to take the red acid, man.
Wednesday 7/22

7:07 a.m. On Farm-to-Market Road, a crop duster flew low to the ground.
Isn’t that what they are supposed to do?

7:33 a.m. The engine of a large tanker truck blew up and started on fire along Highway 93 South. The tanker then dumped a large amount of liquid onto the highway, which turned out to be merely water.
Water Burns?

3:35 p.m. Employees of a local convenience store are not pleased with the presence of a man who lingers for hours, drinking cup after cup of coffee. His justification lies in the fact that the store offers free refills.
Maybe he just need TP for his bunghole. (ok if you are over 18 surely you remember Beavis and Butthead)

6:19 p.m. Several individuals stopped at a Whitefish residence and asked to use the homeowner’s phone. The homeowner became suspicious when he noticed them looking curiously about the house, and called authorities when a cell phone rang in a purse held by one of the visitors.

Didn’t your mother tell you not to open the door to strangers?

7:04 p.m. Hay trucks were hauling hay at high rates of speed on Conn Road. This seemed to constitute a road hazard to other motorists

.Heck Hay haulers at a slow rate of speed cause a hazard to other motorists.
8:34 p.m. Someone on Scenic Ridge Road called to report that they had contained a skunk in a skunk trap. Fish and Game arrived and relocated the skunk.
Why?

11:31 p.m. Suspicious teenagers were seen on the putting greens at an Evergreen golf course. Were they suspicious because they were chasing balls around with sticks while wearing really loud pants and funny shoes with spikes?
Friday 7/24

9:00 a.m. Someone stole a lovely pot of petunias from a home on Mission Trail.
Yes but what about the lovely bunch of coconuts?

1:22 p.m. A man wearing a short-sleeved black dress and carrying flowers lifted his skirt at a pedestrian near an Evergreen supermarket. The flasher then scurried behind a nearby building.
Klinger is that YOU?

6:19 p.m. An inner tube floating around on Foys Lake contained an unresponsive female who may have had too much to drink. Though she was not alert, she was breathing and somewhat conscious.
Sing it with me "I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head. Ooh show me the way to go home...."

8:51 p.m. An extremely intoxicated male dressed in black clothing staggered down the road in Evergreen, occasionally wandering into traffic. He also gestured obscenely at passing cars.
It was Johnny Cash again.

10:26 p.m. Someone crashed into a bear while driving along Highway 209. The car was not damaged and the bear ran off..

I bet that bear shit in the woods and the driver shit in his pants.

2:25 a.m. Two white chickens and a cow were stolen near a Martin City bar. The thief was heard leaving in a squeaky truck.
Well you know what they say...the squeaky thief gets the wheel. No wait that’s not how that goes.

Thursday 7/23

12:44 p.m. Someone in Kila illegally wired into an electrical transformer, circumventing an electric bill. This action is not only dangerous but constitutes a theft of services.
Ok, now our crackhead neighbors did this one time and it blew him right off the pole. It was a shocking experience.

9:05 p.m. On 4th Street West, an oven began to billow smoke after getting stuck shut in the “on” position.
Sorry, I was just trying to make toast again.

Monday 7/27.

3:20 p.m. A female individual sent harassing text messages to another female and then posted her name on Myspace.com.
When I was a kid you just passed nasty notes about each other.

9:14 p.m. Someone witnessed several baby sparrows fall out of their nest in Coram. They have placed the creatures in a cozy box and will be contacting the local “bird lady.”
This made the BLOTTER? Really?

9:38 p.m. On Yoeman Hall Road, a cow moose and her calf were separated by a fence. Authorities responded, and the two were eventually reunited.
Reunited and it feels so good. Reunited and it’s understood...

So all you people out there who have equally compelling or hilarious police blotter stories and want me to comment on them or feature them please just send them my way.