Pissing Contest

Last fall I posted my bathroom rantings. No I wasn’t in the bathroom ranting. I was ranting about the filthiness of the ladies room. Here go read about it, Ode to Toilet I’ll wait.

This is not about the condition of the bathroom but more about the etiquette of the bathroom. You know what I’m talking about the etiquette of the line. I am sure men’s restrooms have their own rules and regulations like not tapping your foot under the stall and not looking anywhere but straight ahead when you pee. Women have different rules. You see it is the fact that there will be three stalls and two thousand women in line that forces us to make rules. There is a certain protocol that must be followed.

You walk in to the ladies room and there is a line starting at the entrance to the stalls. Here are the rules you must follow. I did not make these up it’s just what you do.
1. Approach the entrance and access the line.
2. Ask the person closest to or at the end of the queue if they are indeed waiting.
3. Take your place in line.
4. Move forward as the line moves forward while shifting from one foot to the other and tuning out the sounds of running water.
Now should you be the first person in the line you have special duties. These duties are much like those that are assigned to the persons seated in the “exit row” in an airplane. You are responsible for making sure no one panics, especially you. They include but are not limited to checking under stall doors for feet and making sure that if there is a broken toilet or a stall sans T.P. you inform those in lined up behind you. This is done bucket brigade style. You know like they did in the old days when people would line up and pass the water filled fire bucket down a line to put out a fire. Only when standing in this line the last thing you want to think about is water sloshing from a bucket. Maybe it’s better said like the old game Telegraph you just hope at the end of the line there’s no T.P. in stall three doesn’t come out wish I had climbed a tree. I believe as long as we adhere to these little rules while queuing for the potty then life will be much less stressful.

Now why am I going through these rules and regulations? I am going over these because sometimes you encounter people who either have never been taught the etiquette of public restrooms or they just don’t care. It is the latter of which I write.

It was a gorgeous day at the beach. We had cordoned off our own piece of beach real estate and set up camp. Beaching is another subject all together. Have you ever noticed that when you set up your space on the beach all of a sudden everyone else who arrives at the beach want to be as close to you as possible? It’s not like we have a big beach umbrella sporting an advertisement that we are handing out free beer. This phenomenon seems to happen not only at the beach but also at the park and in the aisles of the grocery. We had our entertainment just in front of us watching a group of foreigners being chased by the rolling waves.

I had consumed enough water to float a Celebrity Fun ship when I felt the urge. I grabbed my cover-up because I may lie on the beach in my bathing suit, I may flail about spastically in the ocean in my bathing suit, I might even slide onto a surfboard in my suit but I refuse to walk around in nothing but the equivalent of underwear. I know it’s not like everyone hasn’t already seen my whaleish body beached on my towel sizzling like bacon but it just makes me feel better to cover up. Off I hike across searing sand dodging errant volleyballs that look suspiciously like meteors aimed at my straw-hatted head. I arrive at the little cinderblock building and enter the staging area. The line head was a woman in her eighties. Next in line is a woman in her late sixties holding what looks like a Turkish coffee cup. I am next and then a woman who evidently knows the two lead ladies comes in and files in behind me. They are speaking to each other in a language I can not recognize as any I have heard before. I smile, they smile, and we all smile. Several more ladies heeding the call of nature file in line. This is proper etiquette right?

We wait for the familiar sound of the whoosh of a flush and the flick of a stall lock when a *Bogie comes out of nowhere with two devil children in tow. She does not step to the end of the line but instead pushes ahead of not only me, number three, but the octogenarian who is in obvious need. She shoves her no necked monsters toward the stalls only there are none empty. Does this detour the crumb crunchers? No they proceed to crawl under the doors of occupied stalls. There are exclamations of shock and irritation shooting from the occupants of said stalls. She pushes in front of the women in front of me and head towards a stall which happens to be opening.

What do you do in this instance? Do you stand and watch and say nothing? Do you stop her and send her to the rear of the line? If you are not the first person in line is it your duty to handle it?

Tell me what YOU would do.