Random Thoughts and Sand In My Crack 7-31-09

Once again my mind has wandered off into those random areas of thought which often cause me to sit glassy eyed and drooling. This state of catatonia is often achieved for me while sitting in the sand watching the waves roll in and wash out. Last week we had some awesome surf here in sunny Southern California. Unfortunately it actually resulted in a few deaths. It is for this very reason I do not go near the waves when they are higher than my ankles, which means I usually just sit on the beach. Oh and did I mention the waters off our beaches is not the warm salty sensation of those off of tropical beaches? No they are what Kahuna calls “bracing”. I call it frigid. Wait, I’m not done yet. They spotted a great white shark off one of the local beaches too. Yes that, the jelly fish, the sea kittens also known as sharks and a sundry of critters cause me to think twice before I stick my pinky toe in the waters. Neither Kahuna nor five million other surfers who all congregate in the waters like a herd of seals waiting for that next big wave.
Now for what I do. I sit on the beach and eaves drop. Yes that is why God mad my ears so big and stick out. See Matilda I told you they would come in handy one day. So without anymore blabbering I will share my Overheard On The Beach with you:
Surfer 1: Dude it’s going off!
Translation: The waves are quite large.
Surfer 2: Dude. It ripped me and zipped me.
Translation: Yes, indeed they are very grandiose. I was caught in one and it tossed me about.
Surfer 1: Dude, I dropped in on Everest and then slide down the face.
Translation: I was able to get up on my board on a very large wave which then rolled over so that I could ride the front side of it.

From the Real Housewives of Doheny:
RHW #1: Do these diamonds make my boobs look too small?
RHW #2: Not really, did you get them re-done?
RHW #1: No, they are in the same setting they’ve always been in.

From two little kids playing in the sand next to me:

Kid # 1: Dude I got to go into the water

Kid # 2: Why? Do you need to pee?

Kid # 1: No man I got sand in my butt crack and it blows around when I fart.

When I was little my mother used to threaten to whip me with whatever she could find, oh and believe me I deserved it. Sometimes it was a hairbrush other times it was a willow twig which she would make me go cut myself. The oddest thing she used to say was “Gladys get your butt in this house right now or I’ll beat you with a buggy whip!” There were several things wrong with this statement. First it’s not like I grew up in the 1800’s where everyone had a buggy whip at their ready and second of all who beats their children with a buggy whip? Then as I was driving through Los Angeles I saw this and well it brought tears to my eyes.

Remember I told you all the other day that I was having lunch with Lola of the Cabana? What you didn’t know is we went on safari, in Mimi’s Café.

It's Friday which means it's Friday Fragments over at Mrs 4444 Site Half Past Kissing Time. Hey there Mrs. 4's. How was the Blogher Conference?

Then over at Ann Again and Again she is hosting what we all need on Fridays, a girls night out. Scoot your bo-hiney on over there and see what's shakin.

Oh and if you have made it this far in my post I thought I would let you know I will be doing some relationship counseling, I mean since ALL of my dates always went so well. (Yes mother I'm being a smart-a$$) So if you need realtionship advice or want to hear about any of my horror stories email me or leave a comment and I'll happily comply.

Now go off and fix yourself a Sex On The Beach. Plop down on the sand next to me and let's look for Sea Kittens.

Sex On The Beach Gladys Style

1 1/2 jigger of Pinapple Vodka (remember the recipe I gave you before? Use it here)

1/2 jigger Peach Schnapps

2 oz Cranberry Juice (See this drink is medicinal. It prevents Urinary Tract Infections)

2 oz Orange Juice (A good way to get your daily Vitamin C)

Now I put this in a martini shaker with some crushed ice and I shake, shake, shake...shake, shake, shake... shakey my booty. Then I pour in a sippy cup and the Life guards have no idea that your drinking Al-key-hall right there on the beach.

So I guess it would be stealthy sex on the beach. Go Enjoy and write me your questions when you sober up.