Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 7/06/2009


BREAKING NEWS! MICHAEL JACKSON DEAD AT AGE 50. (This break was for those of you who have been living in a cave for the last two weeks.) NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.



Monday 6/29
1:43 a.m. An intoxicated individual was raising a ruckus on Harmony Road. He was escorted to jail.
Just exactly how does one “raise” a rukus? Do you plant it in the grown and water it like corn or is it more like raising cattle or children?
9:27 a.m. Someone on Harmony Road reported that their dog had been stolen. Come to find out, the dog left of its own accord.
Sounds like the dog and owner weren’t very Harmonious.
2:00 p.m. An individual placed a rifle on top of their vehicle at the Columbia Falls dump. He then drove away without retrieving the gun.
Have Gun Will Travel
2:01 p.m. Someone in Columbia Falls is evidently illegally trapping neighborhood cats.
Well that is easier than trying to herd them.
6:26 p.m. An “un-neutered” pit bull viciously approached a Kila resident. This is evidently an ongoing problem.
How did they know it was “un-neutered”? Was it creating a problem because it needed to be neutered? I’m confused.
7:22 p.m. At a local seafood eatery, a drunken individual developed a small gash on his head. He refused medical attention.
Wait! What gave him the gash? The seafood? I'm not eating there.
7:44 p.m. Two young boys were threatening one another with an axe handle in Evergreen. Their parents sat them down together and they worked it out.
Evidently they had an axe to grind.
8:13 p.m. A grizzly bear reportedly charged several horses in Bigfork.
What did he charge them for and how much did he charge them?
10:35 p.m. Someone threw a rock through the window of an Evergreen sewer business.
Really? Is it a good idea to throw stones at the man who sucks the shit out of your tanks? Just think what he can throw through YOUR windows.
3:33 a.m. Someone heard a woman crying near the garden center of an Evergreen big box store. She was found to have a hurt foot but would not disclose any suspect information
Maybe she was crying because it hurt. I mean I cry when I stub my toe.
Wednesday 7/1
6:38 a.m. Windows were knocked out at a coffee shop on Woodland Park Drive. Nothing was missing.
Are they sure? I mean I know I’m pretty desperate for my coffee in the morning. I bet there was some coffee missing.
7:48 a.m. A report of an intoxicated person trying to get a boat into the water at Ashley Lake was unfounded. The boat owner had not been drinking.
So what they are saying is he was so inept at launching his boat people thought he was drunk? Now I can’t back a trailer worth a darn. I drive like a 90 year old lady and I admit that I’m a terrible driver but if this happened to me I would ACT drunk so that I would at least have an excuse.
8:29 a.m. Loose dogs were picked up on Blackmer Lane. They had collars, so if you're missing a dog look at the county animal shelter. If you're not missing a dog but want to get one, go to the animal shelter anyway; there's lots of extra dogs.
Well we know what happens when loose dogs get together….puppies.
11:14 a.m. A 2-year-old girl was found running east on East Oregon Street. Her babysitter had fallen asleep.
I have a feeling that a new babysitter will be hired.
1:32 p.m. There was a report of vicious dogs, possibly boxers, on Foys Lake Road.
1:49 p.m. A landlord called and said he had received an anonymous tip that some of his renters on Poplar Drive were engaging in some illegal horticulture. They were allegedly growing marijuana plants.
They just sit and smiled…sitting on that sack of seed. If you don't know what I'm talking about watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWoWnaj00xc&feature=related
4:24 p.m. Three kids, one girl and two boys, were smoking marijuana on the grass between the Town Pump and Wal-Mart in Evergreen.
I bet I know where they got it.
4:24 p.m. A 3-year-old on Harvest Lane swallowed some sort of cleaner with bleach. The parent refused treatment.
That takes washing you mouth out with soap to a whole new level.
5:57 p.m. Someone reported a suspicious man carrying a bucket of cleaning supplies and knocking on doors near Garden Drive. He was gone when police arrived.
He was the phantom janitor.
7:45 p.m. A woman on Mill Street was on her balcony waving cushions and screaming for help. It turns out she had locked herself out of her home.
This is why I always hide keys all over the place. Now if I could just remember where I hid them.
8:40 p.m. There were four viscous pit bulls in an RV on South Mountain View Drive.
If they were IN the RV how do they know they are vicious?
8:59 p.m. A train conductor from the Essex Train Station told a couple to get off his train after they got into a verbal argument. No report on if the couple ever made it to their final destination of Seattle.
Did you ever see the movie Silver Streak? Yeah I can just imagine something like that.
9:23 p.m. A man was reportedly smashing a vehicle's windows behind a Conoco. It turned out he owned the car.
I guess he was pissed off at his car.
10:50 p.m. Someone found a male dressed all in black on West Valley Drive suspicious.
Johnny Cash is back
12:53 a.m. Someone reported hearing gunshots on the firing range on KM Ranch Road.
Isn’t that where you should hear gunshots? On the firing range?

Monday 7/6
12:07 a.m. On Willow Glen drive, an intoxicated woman was screaming wildly and calling for her pastor. Authorities responded and she quickly calmed.
Was she being repossessed?
1:03 a.m. A woman in Somers evidently heard banging on her windows, as if someone were trying to gain entry. No such individual was found.
Bigfoot again
1:47 a.m. Two men at a Hungry Horse bar were escorted to jail on charges of criminal endangerment. Though details are sparse, the issue is believed to involve fireworks.
Drinking and explosives yeah that is always a good combination.
2:26 a.m. In Lakeside, someone was slamming their boat into the dock in an irritating manner.
How do you slam a boat into a dock in a non-irritating manner.
3:04 a.m. Reports of a “man down” in Whitefish brought attention to an individual passed out drunk in the street.
Did he have any fireworks on him?
10:37 a.m. A mischievous miscreant blew up an outhouse at Lone Pine State Park. It is believed that his explosive of choice was the traditional sparkler bomb.
Was Trooper Bob and his cohorts reliving their youth?
12:31 p.m. In Columbia Falls, someone rifled through an unlocked vehicle. The owner thinks that items may have been stolen but cannot identify what.
You might have too much junk in your car if you can’t tell if something was stolen.
1:31 p.m. A recreational vehicle driving down Highway 2 was evidently leaking what is known as “gray water,” or waste water.
I have visions of Cousin Eddy from Christmas Vacation.
2:55 p.m. One man clobbered another in Columbia Falls. No injuries were reported.
He needs to practice his clobbering if no injuries were reported.
3:17 p.m. Machine gun fire was heard on Evers Creek Road. The shooter did have the proper authorization and was doing so in a safe manner.
When did machine guns become legal and safe?
5:36 p.m. A woman claims that her purse was stolen during a bar fight in Hungry Horse.
Was she one of the participants?
8:58 p.m. A truck attempting to climb a hill on Go Away Lane abruptly died and then burst into flames.
I think this one speaks for itself.
9:22 p.m. A resident of Hungry Horse apparently misuses 9-1-1, calling excessively for non-emergency reports.
This would be our fellow on Beach Road.
4:16 p.m. A sheriff’s deputy hit a deer while driving on Highway 2.
Dispatch! Dispatch! I think I just killed Bambi!”

4 comments:

LiLu said...

Those damn un-neutered pit bulls... ?!?

Bob said...

I'd heard about the un-neutered pit bulls, but what's this you say about Michael Jackson?

Pammerys said...

These are great! Keep 'em coming. I thought the Michael Jackson thing was a hoax... like an alien invasion... oh wait (nah I'd better not go there)

The Silver Fox said...

Michael Jackson died? Really? Nobody told me!