There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-1-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff's reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
1:43 a.m. A bonfire was left unattended near the entrance to Lone Pine Park.
That is why it is Lone Pine.
9:18 a.m. Someone was camping in Hungry Horse, evidently in a suspicious manner.
How does one camp suspiciously? Did they make suspicious S'mores?
9:45 a.m. A couple in Kila engaged in a heated verbal altercation. Neither party will assume responsibility for a broken hair dryer.
Blow Job? I'll give you a blow job!
9:53 a.m. Someone tampered with the mail at a local coffee shop. Evidence includes opened post items and a large amount of human waste.
I've gotten a lot of junk mail but I have never gotten shit mail.
12:09 p.m. A separated couple on McGregor Lake has been quarrelling. Each party claims that the other is mentally unstable. The verbal dispute dissolved into violence when one threw an unloaded gun at the other.
Why did they run out of bullets? Remember the scene in Naked Gun where they run out of bullets and just start throwing guns at each other?
1:58 p.m. Two people flipped their raft in Glacier Park.
On Purpose? That water is COLD!
2:47 p.m. A "used-to-be friend" arrived at a Rocky Cliff home and refused to leave.
Ok this brings to mind a skit from Saturday Night Live back in the 70's. Steve Martin offers to swim in the septic tank then he sits on the porch and demands money to leave.
3:45 p.m. Speakers and golf clubs were snatched from an unlocked storage unit.
Maybe they should have locked it.
5:24 p.m. A youth drove his skateboard in front of a moving motor vehicle. The driver was met with much cussing upon expressing his concern.
Poor kid had it backwards. He's supposed to hang on to the BACK bumper.
6:14 p.m. A youth decided to leave his residential treatment center. He was last seen heading into the woods.
Did Tommy Lee Jones show up and tell them "Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.
7:06 p.m. An Elk Park resident yelled vulgarities at his neighbor's children.
Gosh don't you just love neighbors?
8:18 p.m. Someone lent his X-Box to a friend. He would now like it back and the friend will not comply.
Finder's keepers loser's weepers.
1:35 a.m. An individual had given her horses over to someone else for care. She was very concerned that they would not be returned.
Again Finder's Keepers..
9:08 a.m. An espresso stand had been ransacked in the night.
Well maybe they needed caffeine really really bad. Maybe I um, I mean they were jonsing for some Cowgirl Coffee. Yeah I think Bigfoot did it.
11:38 a.m. A black bear was spotted at Somers School. The school was advised to keep all children indoors.
He just wanted to finger paint.
11:52 a.m. Someone received a suspicious fax from London. He believes that it is part of a scam.
Did it say "I see London I see France?"
1:16 p.m. Someone bought a new car and neglected to inform his neighbors. The unfamiliar vehicle aroused suspicion in the neighborhood.
Wow Mrs. Kravitz is on it.
5:31 p.m. A bear was spotted on the highway north of Reserve.
Was he carrying a Pick-a-nick Basket?
7:36 p.m. A man was scratched by a ferocious lynx on River Park Road.
Why was he that close to it?
12:33 a.m. A Swan Hill Drive resident heard a grizzly bear groaning outside his home.
How did he know it was a grizzly bear? Maybe it was Grizzly Adams.
8:51 a.m. A male described only as "very young, perhaps 14" was spotted hitchhiking toward Columbia Falls. Upon investigation, it was found that he was merely headed for school.
So walking to school is a crime?
11:26 a.m. A dog on Juniper Lane barks aggressively every time a neighbor walks by.
Maybe he doesn't like the neighbor.
12:29 p.m. The contents of a Coram garbage truck ignited, prompting the driver to dump the load of trash. The blaze was quickly controlled by the local fire department.
Man that was a load of hot trash.
1:31 p.m. A dirty diaper inspired violence in Columbia Falls when two sisters refused to change the baby. Though the child was unharmed, one sister had a bloody nose.
Um, yeah, when they say those diapers only hold 30 lbs they mean the baby not the poo.
4:03 p.m. A vehicle drove through, rather than around, a local bakery outlet. The building suffered extensive damage.
What do you mean it's not a drive through?
4:17 p.m. A Columbia Falls resident feels that his neighbor ought not to cut across his driveway.
He was also heard telling his dog spike "get him boy, sick him."
6:07 p.m. Someone reported a strong gas odor at a local burger chain. The odor was found to emanate from a fire in the fryer, which was extinguished in a matter of minutes.
What do you mean we are supposed to change the oil at least once a year?
7:12 p.m. A blue dumpster was ablaze in Bigfork.
More hot trash?
7:19 p.m. Several dogs were wandering unleashed in Happy Valley. One of the roving gang attempted to bite a young boy, but fortunately did not break the skin.
Those gangs of roving wild poodles are bad.
2:43 a.m. Someone heard a man beating on his door. The reporting party also heard people arguing and fighting in his yard.
It was Bigfoot. He was all hopped up on caffeine and hiding from that roving band of wild poodles
6:58 a.m. One nondescript cow was obstructing Highway 2.
911: What does it look like?
Caller: A cow.
8:05 a.m. Three dogs left home through a window and proceeded to wander Parliament Drive.
Now they are breaking out through windows? That Wild Poodle Gang is bad.
9:26 a.m. A bulldog viciously attacked another dog at Lone Pine Park, much to the dismay of the victim's owner. The offender was later spotted following a group of kids up the trail.
His job was done.
12:19 p.m. Medication was stolen from a Lakeside residence. It was described as "very similar to Aleve."
But pronounced Oxicontin
5:13 p.m. A schnauzer was roaming aimlessly down Conrad Drive. It was located and taken into custody.
He really wanted to join the Gang of Wild Poodles but they wouldn't take him.
5:24 p.m. A "really big man" refused to leave a Columbia Falls bar. Though initially belligerent, he later left peacefully with his "papa."
Why do I picture Hoss Cartwright or Mongo?
7:37 p.m. A family claimed that their 10-year-old boy did not return from a school field trip. Soon after, the child was located in the family home.
Maybe they ought to pay more attention to their children.
7:38 p.m. Two sports spectators – one intoxicated – engaged in a physical conflict. They were previously enjoying a youth baseball game.
Once again parents making their children proud.
8:59 p.m. An unidentified male driver hit a black cat on Hodgson Road. The considerate individual promptly moved the body to the side of the road.
I know that a black cat crossing your path is supposed to be bad luck for you but I think this time it was the cats.
10:37 p.m. Authorities requested that a loud party in Hungry Horse lower their volume.
11:30 p.m. The party in Hungry Horse did not lower their volume. The merriment was put to an end. Party poopers.
Joe Friday Quote of the Week
Friday: Don't you con me with your mind-expansion slop. I deal with kids every day. I try to clean up the mess that people like you make out of 'em. I'm the expert here. You're not.