Just the Facts Week Ending 6/08/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-08-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

06-02-09
1:58 a.m. A woman reports that her inebriated husband punched her in the face. Though aware of his location, she refused to disclose his whereabouts.
“Don’t hurt him…I love him… He didn’t mean to hit me, he was just pissed because I drank the last Bud.”
2:12 a.m. An intoxicated man crashed his bicycle in West Glacier. He was reportedly bleeding from the face but was gone when authorities arrived.
So would it be still considered a hit and run?

2:23 a.m. Eight individuals were fighting on Ridgewood Drive.
Who were they fighting? Themselves? Like when you’re a kid and you take your sister’s hand and make her slap herself and ask “Why are you hitting yourself?”

9:00 a.m. A handful of individuals at Lost Johnny Campground were invited to move their campsite off of the beach.
Who invited them? Lost Johnny? If it was Lost Johnny does this mean he is found?

10:43 a.m. An individual on Old Ranch Road was seen injecting propane into the ground and igniting the fuel. Though unsettling to the reporting party, this process is actually a legal means of removing gophers.
Again I am seeing scenes of Caddy Shack.

11:05 a.m. Someone is receiving verbal abuse from a neighbor, reportedly because she is mowing and weeding her lawn.
I’m confused was she mowing and weeding her own lawn or her neighbor’s lawn. If my neighbor wanted to weed and mow MY lawn I would bring them a glass of lemonade and cookies.

2:08 p.m. A Country Way resident arrived home to find a basement full of water and a garden hose gushing through the window.
Gee Mom YOU said we could have a pool.

2:57 p.m. Someone stole three hubcaps from a vehicle at Bigfork High School.
Only three?

3:09 p.m. A baby deer was spotted in Columbia Falls. No action will be taken.
Aren’t most baby deer spotted? Aren’t they called fawns?

4:55 p.m. A young male on a bike threatened another male with a set of brass knuckles.
Wow I wonder if those hurt when it gets cold? I would think that the brass in your knuckles would freeze up and you couldn’t use them.

5:57 p.m. An intoxicated male took up residence in a dumpster at a local fast food establishment. His presence there is highly unwelcome, as he is verbally abusing staff and customers between bites of the receptacle’s contents.
What ever happened to
Hold the pickles hold the lettuce,
special orders don’t upset us…
Have it your way…Have it your way.

7:33 p.m. An inebriated female fell off the deck at a Coram bar. She was bleeding profusely from the face.
Notice the key word here is INEBRIATED

8:44 p.m. A blown transformer sounded suspiciously like gunshots
A blown transformer sounds suspiciously like an explosion to me.

06-03-09
5:53 a.m. A blue vehicle was driving around Back Woods Trailer Court in a suspicious manner. When pulled over, the 44-year-old driver spat in the responding officer’s face. As a result, he was promptly taken into custody.
Yeah, he didn’t think that one out, did he?

11:40 a.m. An occupant of the Adult Detention Center reported a theft that occurred in Missoula.
If he is in jail how did he know that a theft occurred?

12:30 p.m. At a Hungry Horse laundromat, someone took clothing that was not their own.
Sorry, but I really liked those booty shorts that had delicious across the butt. I mean you can have them back if you want.

1:39 p.m. Several llamas were running amok near the Flathead County Fairgrounds. Authorities assisted in a hasty roundup.
I bet that was fun, chasing around after a bunch of freaked out spitting running animals. I wonder who spit more the authorities or the llamas.

2:50 p.m. An adult male fell off of his bicycle in Evergreen due to over-consumption of alcohol. He refused care for his injuries.
There seems to be a lot of biking while intoxicated going on.

6:01 p.m. A man in Hungry Horse publicly urinated in the presence of children. Authorities informed him that this is entirely unacceptable.

Look kids this is how you write your name in the snow.
7:17 p.m. An individual at a large box store was reported as suspicious. He and the responding officer “had a nice talk.”
Isn’t that nice that the officer and he had a talk. I wonder if they had scones and tea with their talk.

3:46 a.m. Someone in Whitefish has very noisy neighbors.
The tourist season hasn’t started yet. Just wait!

06-04-09
.8:03 a.m. A transient individual was pestering customers at a local sporting goods store. He was invited to leave the premises and promptly complied.

He just wanted to show everyone his tent.
1:09 p.m. Someone dumped grass clippings on public property in Bigfork.
They were just being green and sharing their mulch.

1:54 p.m. Authorities were unable to locate loose cows on Farm Road.
There is that cow gang again. I bet they were out people tipping.

3:30 p.m. A female on Conrad Drive reported that her ex-husband was driving under the influence of alcohol. He was then pulled over twice, each time passing a sobriety test. He then reported her for making false charges.
Maybe the female was intoxicated.

3:46 p.m. An adult female on Talbot Road injured her Achilles tendon.
This warranted a 9*1*1 call?

5:40 p.m. A vehicle struck two biking youths in Columbia Falls.
Were the biker’s intoxicated?

5:58 p.m. Another vehicle struck a pedestrian, again in Columbia Falls.
Nope not another BUI but it sounds like the motorist was.

6:48 p.m. At least 10 vehicles were congregated near a Bigfork grocery store, leading a concerned individual to suspect drug activity. Though no drugs were found, two minors were consuming alcoholic beverages.
Hey they were waiting for a rumble with the Cows.

7:05 p.m. A man on a bicycle hit a parked truck. He refused any medical attention.
Another case of biking while under the influence. BUI
4:54 a.m. A man was seen hiding in the bushes near a Columbia Falls residence. Upon further investigation, it was found that he was the homeowner.
That damn Gladys calls the police every time I go out to trim my bushes. She thinks I’m a peeping Tom.

06-05-09
5:51 a.m. A gentleman was lying in the grass across from a local church. He was invited to vacate the premises.
If he was across from a church why didn’t they do the Christian thing and invite him in instead?

8:59 a.m. A splitting maul and other tools were stolen from a shed in Hungry Horse. The theft may have occurred as early as two months ago.

If you don’t know it’s been stolen for two months do you really need it?
9:32 a.m. The rims and tires were taken from a vehicle at a local automotive dealer. However, the offender was considerate enough to replace the stolen items with higher-quality tires using brand-new lug nuts.
Hum, does this mean he was a good samaritin or a theif?

10:33 a.m. A window on a pickup truck was smashed on Harmony Road.
Doesn’t sound very harmonious to me.

10:50 a.m. A female inmate at the Juvenile Detention Center scratched a mirror.
If a broken mirror is 7 years bad luck does she get ½ credit?

12:22 p.m. A woman on Conrad Drive is operating without an Internet connection after her significant other removed the modem.
I guess she won’t be reading Gladys Tells All will she. Or voting for me as funniest blog.

12:53 p.m. An unwanted individual drove across someone’s property in Marion. The landowner proceeded to block the offender’s exit, inquiring as to the driver’s motives, and was then vigorously verbally assaulted.

Vigorously verbally assaulted I love that phrase.

1:11 p.m. Someone in Creston feels that the nearby road construction flaggers are “confused” and are directing traffic in the wrong direction. The flaggers were found to be directing traffic in a safe and legal manner.

Don't you love it when someone who has never done your job, doesn't know how to do your job, has no clue what to do tells you that you are doing it wrong? I hope they directed traffic through this idiots front yard.

5:55 p.m. Someone reports that a den of foxes is “taking over” his property.
I’m wondering if he means the four legged kind or the two legged kind? I mean if it was the two legged kind maybe he was Hugh Heffner.

7:48 p.m. A vehicle was stolen in Columbia Falls after the keys were left in the ignition.
You know I have done that a dozen times and nobody ever tries to take my vehicle. Maybe I should drive a nicer vehicle.

7:51 p.m. A man was wandering about in a pair of G-string underpants near the Old Steel Bridge, much to the dismay of passers-by. Authorities were unable to locate said individual.
Did they look at Chippindales?

12:56 a.m. A man at the base of Big Mountain could not find his bicycle.
Another incident of BUI
06-08-09
7:19 a.m. On Aspen Loop, someone pelted a home with raw eggs.
Well it’s only because boiled eggs don’t have the same effect.

11:43 a.m. A tractor believed to be stolen had actually been repossessed.
It’s a sign of the times.

3:31 p.m. A yellow mountain bike in a dumpster was evidently “far too nice to be thrown away.” Authorities certified that it had not been stolen and left it where it lay.
Maybe it belonged to the guy who was living in the dumpster.

4:59 p.m. Someone fell out of a vehicle before it came to a complete stop. The individual did not sustain any severe injury.

A little excited about getting there?

4:17 p.m. The Columbia Falls Fire Department responded to a flaming port-a-potty at the local baseball field.
Trooper Bob were you setting fire to the port-a-john then running around yelling “Fire In The Shit House”? You can not recapture your youth with flaming shit.

4:32 p.m. Someone called to report a fire in their oven. Responding officers found no flames but evidence of a bubbling pie.
Cook much?
4:04 a.m. Someone was “messing around” with construction equipment at the White Oak Hotel. Come to find out, he was a construction worker getting ready for the day.
When did getting an early start at work become a crime?