Just the Facts Week Ending 6/23/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-23-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

06-17-09
12:30 p.m. Two neighbors in West Glacier are involved in a neighborhood dispute. Evidently, one neighbor is upset with the other neighbor for shooting in his own yard. The shooting is being done in a safe and legal manner.
Yes but was he shooting at the other neighbor?

3:27 p.m. An 8year-old girl suffered a laceration in the Four Corners area.
Just exactly which part of the body is your Four Corners?

4:13 p.m. Two individuals are living beneath a bridge near a local RV park. Patrons of the park became nervous when one of them emerged to use the municipal restroom.
Are they trolls?

4:33 p.m. A wood frame commercial building was emanating a strong gas odor. Authorities did not detect any dangerous leaks.
Did they pull each other’s finger?

5:34 p.m. A landlord and tenant on Tamarack Lane are engaged in what is reported to be a “cat issue.” The tenant wants to keep a cat and the landlord disagrees.
Maybe the landlord doesn’t want to own a Cathouse.

6:08 p.m. A black lab mix was escorted to the shelter.
Did he have to call an escort service? Did his escort come from the Cathouse?

6:20 p.m. Kids on motorcycles were creating too much noise and dust on Harmony Road.
That doesn’t sound very harmonious.

6:46 p.m. A meeting at a Somers school somehow erupted into a heated verbal argument. The incident involved 30 people, at least half of whom were yelling loudly. Although the reporting party feared that it might escalate into violence, the agitated parties soon left the premises.
I told Martha Jean that serving Margaritas and tequila shooters before the PTA meeting wasn’t a very good idea

9:29 p.m. Two men were arguing in a vehicle near a local church. One of the individuals then threw rocks at the other’s car.

Now looky here Reverend Jones, you gotta stop throwing rocks. Stoning is illegal.

11:30 p.m. A bear wandered through a Hungry Horse yard, tipping several trash cans in the process.

Sounds like Yogi is still looking for that pick-a-nick basket.

3:58 a.m. Someone spotted a wild mountain lion.
As compared to a tame one?
6/22/2009

1:03 a.m. Two neighbors on Haywire Gulch are quarrelling over a loud muffler.
Sounds like it went Haywire.

1:52 a.m. A possibly intoxicated female, dressed all in black, was walking eastbound on Highway 2. She was gone when authorities arrived.
She’s a witch burn her!
A witch?
She turned me into a Newt!
A Newt?
I got better.(Monty Python an the Holy Grail)

3:18 a.m. Someone may have heard a woman screaming in the woods. The woman could not be located.

It was the woman dressed in black, she’s a witch burn her.
4:55 p.m. A woman showed up to visit a friend at the county jail and was found to have a warrant out for her arrest. She quickly joined her friend behind bars.
Now that’s a true friend. Come to see you in jail and then join you.

7:42 p.m. An individual known only as “Bam-Bam” was threatening his brother-in-law at a Coram bar.
I wonder where Pebbles was. Do you think Barney came and got him out of trouble?

8:13 p.m. Consumption of large amounts of alcohol contributed to violence on Harmony Road. A young individual was rendered unconscious by his mother’s boyfriend.
I think they need to change the name of Harmony Road.
06-18-09
9:12 a.m. A newspaper rack was stolen from an Evergreen gas station.
Maybe someone doesn’t like the news. Or maybe it’s a case of “no news in good news”.

11:22 a.m. A barking dog ran at large in Lake Blaine Drive.
At a large what? Large people? Large trees?

1:12 p.m. A West Bowman Drive resident called to report that there was an injured squirrel in his yard. Authorities arrived to find the creature deceased.

Sounds like it was more than injured sounds like it was fatal.

5:20 p.m. A man on a bicycle was swearing and approaching other individuals on the bike path. He was located and escorted to jail for disorderly conduct.
Who knew there was such a thing as bike rage.

8:50 p.m. Someone reports that a subcontractor is making threats over the phone regarding payment for services.

Times are tough sometime you have to send Guido out to collect your money.

9:58 p.m. A blue Chevy Blazer was ablaze on College Avenue.
Why else would you call it a Blazer?

12:45 a.m. Three or four intoxicated individuals engaged in a verbal argument in Lakeside.
There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of drunks in a battle of wits.
06-19-09
7:49 a.m. In Happy Valley, a vehicle with Canadian plates passed a driver and then abruptly slammed on the brakes.
Those damned Canadians bringing their Canadian road rage here. I mean we never had road rage until they taught us.

10:43 a.m. Someone smelled a strong gas odor in Whitefish. The energy company responded and found no evidence of a leak.
I’m telling you it’s all that granola that everyone has been eating. Well, that and broccoli.

1:19 p.m. A very intoxicated individual wrecked on a bicycle and was bleeding from the head.
Friends don’t let friends bike drunk.

2:21 p.m. Someone in the Flathead Valley is evidently threatening someone who lives out-of-state.

So don’t answer the phone. Honestly people you are in control, if you don’t answer the phone they can’t threaten you. There is no law that says you HAVE to answer the phone.
6:37 p.m. A driver almost collided with illegally parked cars in Lakeside. The cars were promptly moved.
Now see I think this is an effective way to get people to not park where they shouldn’t. Just act like your going to ram them.

11 p.m. A female resident of River Junction Road feels that a man might be looking in her windows.
It was Bigfoot.

9:09 p.m. Someone in Bigfork believes that someone broke into her apartment within the past two days. Though no items are missing, there is evidence of forced entry around the door.
She needs to look for hidden cameras.

9:19 p.m. Three teens were skateboarding on Highway 2, waving their arms and obstructing the road.

I would be waving my arms too if I were trying to skateboard in fact I would look like a windmill.

9:27 p.m. A dog bit a neighbor in Somers.

Wonder why the dog doesn’t like the neighbor.
06-22-09
9:04 a.m. A 16-year-old girl and her mother were verbally abusing one another.
Parent much?

9:21 a.m. A 3-year-old child was found by the side of the road in front of a Lower Valley Road home. Though the child claimed that both parents were at work, the mother was soon located in the home.
Now see this 3 year old will be verbally abusing her mother in about 13 years and the police will have to intervene.

10:06 a.m. A 2-year-old child went missing near West Reserve Drive. The child was quickly found and returned home.

I know two year olds are slipperier than snail snot, that is why you must always keep them duct taped to the wall.

10:53 a.m. A dog in Columbia Falls was charging people as they walked by.
How much was he charging and what did they get for their money?

10:57 a.m. A dump truck rolled in Whitefish. No other vehicles were involved.

Well I guess that is one way to dump your truck.

3:51 p.m. An attempted burglary went awry when the would-be thief encountered the homeowner’s dog. The dog bit and cornered the individual in the home, prompting him to call for medical attention.
What they didn’t tell you was the dog was a 2 lb Chihuaha

4:34 p.m. A resident of an Evergreen trailer court tried to persuade a 9-year-old boy to come into his trailer home.
Where is Dateline and Chris Hanson when you need them?

5:57 p.m. Someone stole an unknown amount of hay in Evergreen.
Hey! Someone took my hay!

8:13 p.m. An intoxicated male fell into the ditch on Lake Blaine Road. Authorities escorted him to a safe location.
Did that safe location have 3 hots and a cot?

9:47 p.m. A Rottweiler leaped over a fence at the dog owner’s girlfriend and her black lab. The lab was viciously attacked.
Someone needs to call Ceasar Milan. He would take care of the Rotty.

2:24 p.m. Someone was spinning brodies and throwing beer bottles at a Bigfork school.
Schools out for the summer.
Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
“A lot of officers are sick and tired of what's going on. It's hard to work in this environment.”