Just the Facts Week Ending 6/16/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

06-09-09
3:29 a.m. Someone heard three or four men fighting and yelling outside her home. They were found to be simply goofing around and all was well.

Boys will be boys.

3:57 a.m. An individual on Solberg Lane heard a loud “bang” and discovered that her mailbox had been crunched, presumably by a moving motor vehicle.

This used to happen to my dad's mailbox. He got real tired of having to replace it every other week so he fixed it. He went out and stuck a pipe in the ground, then filled it with concrete then built a wooden box around the 36" concrete filled pipe and put the mail box on top. One night the gang of mailbox killers careened around the corner taking out all the neighbor's mailboxes until they hit Trooper Bob's. Guess what he found in his front drive the next morning? The offender's car totaled.

7:25 a.m. Several horses were grazing in an O'Brien Lane yard. They were gone when authorities arrived.

Last week it was that dadblamed cow gang this week it’s horses. Maybe they were just horsing around. 10:35 a.m. A missing child on Fifth Avenue was later found in the home.

What were you doing that you lost your child in your own home.

11:14 a.m. Someone noticed a gas odor on Second Street. The situation was amended within 30 minutes.
Gas-X?
12:04 p.m. An inebriated individual was collecting trash along River Road.
Well at least he was a civic minded drunk.

1:08 p.m. Someone thought that several checks had been stolen from his billfold. Come to find out, he had actually written the checks himself.
Did he write himself a hot check?

2:58 p.m. Someone stole the hood from a 1984 GMC pickup truck.
Why?

4:29 p.m. After falling asleep, a driver collided with a fire hydrant which then spurted large amounts of water.
I have heard of throwing cold water on people to wake them up but this is a little much.

5:21 p.m. In Hungry Horse, five or six cats have utterly destroyed a neighbor’s yard and annihilated several robins’ nests.
Oh JEEZE now we have a gang of cats? What is this world coming to?

9:23 p.m. Six to 10 cows were running wild on Helena Flats Road. A local farmer assisted in rounding up the herd.
They were looking for a Rumble. Now sing it with me…
When you're a Cow,

You're a Cow all the way

From your first salt lick

To your last bale of hay.

When you're a Cow,

If the spit hits the fan,

You got brothers around,

you're a bovine man!

You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When company's expected,

You're well protected! 06-10-09
6:29 a.m. On North Hill Road, a horse was caught in a fence. He was able to extricate himself without assistance.
It was those Cows that did this.

8:30 a.m. Approximately a year and half ago, a burglary occurred on Alberta Street. The involved parties, who were at the time in the throes of divorce, suspect one another of committing the crime.
A YEAR AGO? Nothing like filing a timely report.

11:05 a.m. Graffiti appeared on the side of a vehicle in Evergreen.
I wonder if it was Cow tagging?

11:12 a.m. Someone in Columbia Falls feels as if he is being harassed by a neighbor. In reality, however, he is not actually being harassed.
Hey don’t tell me how to feel!

1:27 p.m. A homeowner in Columbia Falls is certain that someone broke into his house. It is unclear how the intruder entered the home, and no items were taken.

It was the phantom cat burglar. Did he check to make sure they didn’t take his cat?
3:50 p.m. Someone in Hungry Horse was peering through a neighbor’s windows and noticed that a dog had been alone in the home “all day and all night.”
Why were they peering through their neighbor’s window?

4:52 p.m. A horse in Whitefish refuses to stay within the confines of a fence.
He joined the gang. He won’t be told what to do.

5:48 p.m. A man described as “extremely unusual” and “shabby-looking” was wandering around in Whitefish.
OK that just described ½ of the people in Whitefish. Heck that just described ½ the people everywhere.

8:15 p.m. Someone from North Dakota is threatening a West Glacier resident. The two have never met.
Honey, just hang up the phone and they will stop threatening you.

8:21 p.m. Four miniature donkeys continually run amok in a neighbor’s yard.
Not another gang! First it was the cows then the horses next came the cats and now miniature donkeys? What’s next?

10:18 p.m. An individual at a local diner took one bite of his steak, claimed that it was “rotten” and promptly stormed out without paying. He was later located in a gully behind a nearby box store.
It sounds like it was poisoned not rotten

06-11-09
7:05 a.m. A gentleman on Lower Valley Road stepped out in front of a moving vehicle and proceeded to gesture obscenely at the driver. He was identified as wearing a hat and trench coat and carrying a paper bag.
Was he wearing anything under the trench coat? Was his name Tyrone and was he asking Gladys if she wanted to see his Walunetto?

7:58 a.m. A golf ball collided with a vehicle, causing considerable damage.
FORE!

8:22 a.m. Horses on Helena Flats road are in the habit of leaning on a neighbor’s fence. They have damaged the fence many times over the course of their fence-leaning lives.
It’s the E13 gang hanging out again. I bet they are hanging on the fence smoking and talking trash about the Cow Gang.

12:04 p.m. A white horse was spotted running north from the roller rink on Shady Lane. He was quickly apprehended by an off-duty fireman.
The E13’s hang out at the Roller Rink.

12:06 p.m. Someone found a parcel of marijuana at a Hungry Horse construction site.
And they turned it in?
06-12-09
7:31 a.m. Someone in Somers was met with verbal abuse while trying to repossess a fifth-wheeler.
Do you watch Repo Man? Man sometimes those guys get hammered by the owners. I would hate that job.

7:32 a.m. A husband and wife were loudly arguing somewhere along Highway 83.
Before or after they took his 5th wheel?

10:33 a.m. On Lake Hills Drive, someone reported that several items had been stolen from his car. He later discovered that they had simply been misplaced.
Now see I do that all the time but I never go as far as actually calling the police.

9*1*1 what's your emergency?

Gladys: Someone has stolen my glasses. They were right here in my hand and then they were gone. I think I have been pick-pocketed.

Dispatcher: Gladys have you checked on top of your head?

Gladys: Yes, I HAVE and they aren't there. I'm not stoopid you know.

Dispatcher: Yes ma'am. Is there a mirror close by? Go stand in front of the mirror and look closely. Do you see your glasses now?

Gladys: Your a GENIUS! Thank you. Now have you seen my keys?

11:38 a.m. Someone spun their tires in a Happy Valley yard, creating massive ruts in the lawn. I bet the homeowner wasn’t very Happy in his Valley.

4:25 p.m. A pony was lying prone in a field on Danielson Drive, arousing suspicions of animal cruelty. While the animal did have an injured leg, it had already been addressed by a veterinarian.

Another victim of the cow gang.

5:17 p.m. A small herd of horses was running down Highway 2. Authorities facilitated in an efficient round-up.
It was the Equine 13 gang going on a gallop by.

2:29 a.m. A father managed to corner his daughter’s boyfriend in her room. Evidently, the wily youth likes to sneak in late at night.
Ruh-Roh Rorge

6-15-09

8:18 a.m. Two cows and three calves were on the road, headed for the highway.
They were out recruiting more gang members

10:27 a.m. Someone tossed a brick through the window of a local elementary school.
I bet it was cows.

10:33 a.m. Several very thin horses were seen near Marion. They did, however, have hay and water and were quite healthy.
Maybe they were crackhead horses.

4:19 p.m. Reports of a “man down” behind a large box store turned out to be a transient taking a nap.
Well then I guess the report was accurate. He was lying down taking a nap.

3:09 p.m. An individual in Whitefish received medical attention after getting gasoline in his eyes. How he managed to do so is unknown.
He is a Dumbass that’s how.

6:25 p.m. Someone who was assaulted long ago has finally decided to press charges.
Like how long ago? 30 years?

12:30 a.m. A routine traffic stop turned into a high-speed chase bridging Flathead and Lake counties. The vehicle proceeded southbound on Highway 35 from Kalispell at 90 miles per hour, veering across all lanes of traffic, until authorities placed stop sticks in their path. This flattened both front tire and slowed progress to 35 miles per hour, at which point Montana Highway Patrol apprehended the driver and passengers. All three occupants were taken to the Juvenile Detention Center.
I don't think those kids thought that joy ride out.

12:31 a.m. A single car rolled after missing a corner off of Highway 93.
I take it this was AFTER the spike sticks.
06-16-09
8:09 a.m. An unidentified creature viciously attacked a dog on South Meadows Drive.
It was NOT Bigfoot. Bigfoot likes dogs. They taste like chicken.

9:56 p.m. A black bear cub was exploring a yard on Segiah Way and rummaging through the homeowner’s trash. The mother bear was also in the area.
They just wanted to see if there was a pic-a-nic basket BooBoo.

10:14 p.m. Another black bear was struck by a vehicle on Dower Draw. Though the bear was injured, he is expected to survive.
How the heck do you hit a bear? I mean it’s not like they jump out in front of you and go Boo.

10:34 p.m. Someone drove into a Whitefish ditch. Fortunately, she was not injured.
Was she avoiding a bear?

1:37 a.m. An unidentified animal is making a “high pitched growling” noise outside an individual’s home.
It was Bigfoot trying to sing falsetto.