Don't Holler AT ME!

I am a television listener. I watch television but mostly I listen. I like having the background noise especially when I’m home alone. I will turn the television on TCM or AMC and then go about my daily business. Now occasionally I will put on Hallmark, History or the Discover Channel. A couple of months ago I noticed that the commercials had started yelling at me. Now first let me tell you I don’t like it when people holler at me. I don’t like it when people tell me that I can’t live without this product or the other but I especially don’t like it when they holler that I need it. If I wanted to be mentally abused I would divorce Kahuna and go marry some guy in a wife beater shirt named Stanley. Then I would be on COPS after calling them for spousal abuse and I would be standing there in my belly shirt and low cut jeans with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth screaming “don’t hurt hiem! I lurv him. He didn’t mean to hit me! He was jist upset cause I didn’t brang hiem another carton of Pall Malls and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.” Ok I admit have watched COPS a few times too many. Oh shut up you know you watch it too.

The number one abuser is the guy selling the fabric glue. See I don’t even know the name of the product because that guy Willie whatever just pisses me off. Now I know I’m not supposed to let things like that get to me. I know I’m suppose to just switch the channel but lately I have found myself getting extremely irritated when he comes on spouting his line of rhetoric about fabric glue and yelling at me to buy it. Is it really necessary for him to HOLLER ABOUT THE FACT YOU CAN GLUE A FLAG TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN 2000 MILE PER HOUR WINDS AND LOOK IT STAYS GLUED TOGETHER! IT’S AMAZING! I just wish he would put a bead of that glue on his bottom lip and the press his top lip to it and shut the hell up.

Don’t even get me started on the upgraded Clapper. Have you seen this one where he glues this fake light switch on the wall somewhere and it automatically turns on the light? It’s INCREDIBLE, NO DRILLING, NO ELECTRICIAN, NO WORRIES. You know what it’s just the Clapper without the clapping. I don’t know who this guy is or why he looks like the guy who used to play Al on Home Improvement, but he annoys the hell out of me.

Coincidence? I think NOT Mr. Infomercial!

He used to do the Oxy-Clean commercials. Oxy-Clean is a great product but I didn’t buy it for years because of that annoying guy.

I haven’t even started on Mr. Sham WOW. There are just so many things not right about that commercial. First of all what is up with that guy’s hair? Did he spin on his head before the commercial? Then why does he wear the headset and microphone? Isn’t he is on TV? Don't they have big boom microphones all over the place? Is he taking orders at the same time he is pitching his spiel? Then he pours coke on that carpet and passes over it with the Shamwow and soaks it up in one pass. What about the sticky? What about the pad? What about the stain? Yeah let’s see him soak up dog pee and squeeze it into a pie plate while yelling at people to buy his product. I mean get a grip guy if that Sham-wow thing is so great why is the commercial so crappy?

I found this comparison on Phillip Schanbaum's site and well it was just so appropriate.

I was so relieved when they finally took those horrible Head-On commercials off the air. It gave me a headache every time it aired. Some obnoxious commercials don’t really yell at you they are just ridiculous products. Like the one where the old lady eavesdrops on her neighbors with her sonic ear. Another one that tops the stupidest products is the sandpaper glove for getting rid of unwanted body hair. Yes that is what it is. It is sandpaper in a pretty little pin glove. You rub it on your arm, legs, chest, upper lip etc and it just rubs the hair away as well as several layers of skin. No thank you I’ll stick to chopping my legs up with Schick. What about that stupid Snuggie blanket? I mean why not just cut a hole in the center of a blanket and make it into a poncho. Then it would be a Puggie or Ponchie. Hey I think I have a new product!







(Just don't eat the pudding or drinkt he Koolaide.)

I am sure many of these products that are being hollered about are great products. I am sure that two miracle peelers for $14.99 is a steal. I just won’t buy them because I don’t like being mentally abused by some snake oil salesman. So I am just saying no thank you to the juicer, light switch that gets rid of unwanted hair and soaks up all the dog pee and coke in your carpet. Now if you’ll excuse me COPS is on…Bad Boys, Bad Boys…