Monday, January 26, 2009

Just the Facts Week ending 1-16-2009

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 1-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 1/13/2009

6:39 a.m. A Martin City woman kicked her ex-husband out of her home.

Well since he is your ex and it is your home… What the heck was he doing there in the first place? Some after divorce conjugal visits, perhaps?

10:51 a.m. Someone was trapped in a car wash in Columbia Falls.

Let me guess was the caller blonde?

5:42 p.m. Someone impersonating a bill collector called a woman and said she owed money on her electric bill. She had already paid it.

This is WRONG! This is a crime of major proportions! I mean it’s criminal to call someone up and dun them for money they have already paid. It is bad enough that they call you when you actually owe them money.

9:14 p.m. A 16 year old girl went to jail after she slapped her mother.

Now THAT is parenting! You want to act like a punk? Then you get treated like one.

11:54 P.M. Allegedly, a woman’s ex showed up at her house with a rifle, then left. A bit later he returned, then left again.

Hey do you think maybe he was pissed because she kicked him out of her house at 6:30 that morning?

Wednesday 1/14/2009

12:20 p.m. A Columbia Falls man didn’t want to talk to his son anymore.

He must be trying a new parenting technique. The silent treatment and he is going to back it up by calling the police and telling them.

1:38 pm. An Ashley Lake road man was enraged.

Is this the ex-husband or the dad from above?

7:40 p.m. Someone in Evergreen wasn’t pleased with a text message they received.

Yeah I’m not either but I never thought about calling 911 for spam on my phone.

8:59 p.m. A man said two men waited for him to finish work and then assaulted him.

Wow see how polite the people up here are? They WAITED for him to finish work before they beat the dog crap out of him.

Thursday 1/15/2009

1:21 p.m. A man, who called the police on his wife because she was hysterical, found himself behind bars after he broke a telephone. The dispatcher, who took the initial call, reported that they could hear a woman screaming in the background. The woman said the man strangled and punched her.

Um, maybe she was hysterical because he has some anger management issues. I think this one backfired on him.

5:47 p.m. A woman called 911 because she couldn’t connect to the Internet.

Really? I mean REALLY?

8:42 p.m. An intoxicated man called authorities looking for his wife. Apparently he was so drunk that she left the house and took the kids. He wanted to make sure everyone was OK.

Wow how did Mr. 1:21 p.m. get out of jail so fast?

1:51 a.m. A woman’s drunken ex-boyfriend wouldn’t leave her home. Deputies arrived and gave the man a ride to a Mexican restaurant on Main Street.

Ok I think I know WHY there are so many domestic disturbance calls this week. Mercury was in retrograde and that causes all types of craziness. Also the fact that it’s too cold to go outside could have something to do with it. Now would someone please explain the significance of the Mexican Restaurant? I mean why Mexican and not Chinese or Italian? When did the police become a taxi service? I am so confused maybe it’s because Venus is in the seventh house or something.

Friday 1/16/2009

5:43 p.m. A man and a woman are threatening each other via the Internet.

Looks like Ms. Thursday 5:47 got her connection back up. Man who knew the police could reboot your computer?

2:50 a.m. A woman in Evergreen was reportedly doing weird tings. She kept pulling her car into the driveway, getting out of it, then backing up and pulling in again. Turns out that the woman was drunk.

I do that when I’m not drunk. I can’t see over the steering wheel so I don’t know if I’m on the grass or not. Now I’m glad I don’t have neighbors or they would think I was drunk all the time.

Jesse Quinn: Mr. Friday, I'd like to ask you a question. If you was me, would you do it?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Can I wait awhile?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Before I'm you.


Beth said...

If I read the newspaper with this sort of perspective, I'd come away from the experience with more laughs and less despair at the state of the world!

Queen Goob said...

So tell can I get your paper delivered to my home? WAY better than mine and that says a lot as I live in a small Southern town.

Jaime said...

Someone really dialed 911 because their internet was out? That's almost as bad as the people who come to the ER by way of ambulance for a paper cut...

Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

I have to ask the dumb question, these are the police reports from the town where you live? I would be counting my blessings and laughing my hind end off to live in a place and these were the major crime stories.

Meg said...

Wow...what a list! People are so ignorant, aren't they? Gah!

Fyi, sweetie, I have a little something for you over at my blog, come pick it up!