There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
Tuesday 12/23/2008
2:52 p.m. A 46-year-old man was caught stealing razor blades.
Man I know your depressed but don’t steal razor blades. I mean if you are really serious just go stand outside for a couple of hours. It MINUS Nine degrees. You’ll just fall asleep and won’t suffer. Razor blades aren’t the way. You could not cut deep enough. You could cut the wrong way and just bleed and not bleed to death. Trust me on this I’ve cut my legs shaving and it takes a really really long time to bleed to death.
9:56 p.m. A 24-year-old woman stole condoms.
Um, yeah looks like she wasn’t depressed in fact looks like she was looking for a good time.
11:04 A couple of people were smoking something in a truck.
First there seems to be a lot of that going on up here people smoking stuff in a truck. Second do you think they realized that the chick wasn’t coming back with the condoms?
Wednesday 12/24/2008
12:03 p.m. Woman said she didn’t know the two women who gave her a black eye and swollen cheeks, but said she would recognize them in a police line up.
I can see it now. “Yes sir that’s them. Yes the two in the white lab coats. Yeah that is her name Dr. Makeyou Lookbetter and Dr. Nomore Wrinkles. Yeah they strapped me down at the day surgery clinic and then they cut around my eyes here and injected collagen there. You need to be on the look out for Dr. Muchlarger Boobs. He made my chest about four times larger.”
Thursday 12/25/2008
5:24 a.m. A newspaper deliveryman said that water was pouring out the front door of an Evergreen bank.
“Hey Harold, I told you not to try and save the glacier’s in the vault. I told you it would melt! I know that they are disappearing but that stuff has gotta stay on the mountain!”
2:57 p.m. An 8-year-old was going bonkers.
HELLO! It was Christmas DAY! 8 year olds are suppose to go bonkers on Christmas Day.
8:13 p.m. Two men, one of whom was in a wheel chair, were asking for a ride. They were belligerent.
I am confused. Were they belligerent because they were in a wheelchair or were they belligerent because it was MINUS 9 degrees and they were trying to wheel a wheelchair down the street in 5 feet of SNOW?
11:05 p.m. A man said he was afraid of his wife. He said she had been drinking and was apt to get violent.
Officer Mike asked the Complainant what brought this burst of violence on and was told “She jest asked if those jeans made her butt look big and I told her Nope not as much as her sweat pants.”
11:25 p.m. A man and a woman were seen fornicating in a nook on Central Avenue in Whitefish.
First of all did I tell you it was MINUS 9 degrees? They weren’t fornicating they were rubbing up against each other trying to stay warm.
11:34 p.m. The two were also seen outside of a pizza parlor. They were still going at it.
OK I know this is a false report because that means they were having intercourse for more than 10 minutes. Next you’ll try to sell me a bridge won’t you?
Friday 12/26/08
12:33 a.m. There was a sick person in Whitefish.
I got news for ya, there are a lot of sick people in Whitefish and everywhere else too.
Sunday 12/28/08 (Evidently this week the criminals took Saturday off)
5:36 a.m. There was a strong toxic odor on Colorado Avenue in Whitefish.
I see that “sick” person in Whitefish isn’t better….well maybe they feel better now.
2:16 p.m. A man didn’t get very far after he left a Kalispell bar. He was found passed out in his car in the parking lot.
Well at least he wasn’t stealing razor blades or condoms.
Monday 12/29
1:19 a.m. A 45-year-old woman with heart condition was reportedly drinking. It’s not certain but initial reports indicate that she might also be pregnant.
I’m telling you right now heart condition or not if I even remotely THOUGHT I was pregnant at 45 I’d be drinking too and in excess passed out in the parking lot of a bar after stealing razor blades.
2:28 p.m. Someone’s grandmother said there was a knife involved in an assault.
See 1:19 a.m. above. Yeah I bet she got a knife after him.
4:14 p.m. Someone may have had problems with their heart.
See 1:19 a.m. above. I can bet you diamonds to dollars the victim is the man who was involved in the alleged knife assault above.
5:32 p.m. There was an unspecified amount of wandering cows on Half Moon Road.
I just have to add these traffic reports to let you know L.A. has nothing on us. Also I was wondering if they were looking for the other Half of the Moon?
9:32 p.m. A woman says her ex keeps sending obscene text messages to her.
Tell him to stop. Tell him that if he doesn’t stop he may be like the guy in the 2:28 p.m. report.
10:23 p.m. A woman said a man was parked in her front yard. Actually, he was extremely intoxicated and had failed to negotiate the icy roadway.
“Yeup this looks like a good place to park.”
Sgt Joe Friday : There are over five thousand men in this city who know that being a policeman is an endless, glamorless, thankless job that's gotta be done. I know it, too. And I'm damned glad to be one of them.
Tuesday 12/23/2008
2:52 p.m. A 46-year-old man was caught stealing razor blades.
Man I know your depressed but don’t steal razor blades. I mean if you are really serious just go stand outside for a couple of hours. It MINUS Nine degrees. You’ll just fall asleep and won’t suffer. Razor blades aren’t the way. You could not cut deep enough. You could cut the wrong way and just bleed and not bleed to death. Trust me on this I’ve cut my legs shaving and it takes a really really long time to bleed to death.
9:56 p.m. A 24-year-old woman stole condoms.
Um, yeah looks like she wasn’t depressed in fact looks like she was looking for a good time.
11:04 A couple of people were smoking something in a truck.
First there seems to be a lot of that going on up here people smoking stuff in a truck. Second do you think they realized that the chick wasn’t coming back with the condoms?
Wednesday 12/24/2008
12:03 p.m. Woman said she didn’t know the two women who gave her a black eye and swollen cheeks, but said she would recognize them in a police line up.
I can see it now. “Yes sir that’s them. Yes the two in the white lab coats. Yeah that is her name Dr. Makeyou Lookbetter and Dr. Nomore Wrinkles. Yeah they strapped me down at the day surgery clinic and then they cut around my eyes here and injected collagen there. You need to be on the look out for Dr. Muchlarger Boobs. He made my chest about four times larger.”
Thursday 12/25/2008
5:24 a.m. A newspaper deliveryman said that water was pouring out the front door of an Evergreen bank.
“Hey Harold, I told you not to try and save the glacier’s in the vault. I told you it would melt! I know that they are disappearing but that stuff has gotta stay on the mountain!”
2:57 p.m. An 8-year-old was going bonkers.
HELLO! It was Christmas DAY! 8 year olds are suppose to go bonkers on Christmas Day.
8:13 p.m. Two men, one of whom was in a wheel chair, were asking for a ride. They were belligerent.
I am confused. Were they belligerent because they were in a wheelchair or were they belligerent because it was MINUS 9 degrees and they were trying to wheel a wheelchair down the street in 5 feet of SNOW?
11:05 p.m. A man said he was afraid of his wife. He said she had been drinking and was apt to get violent.
Officer Mike asked the Complainant what brought this burst of violence on and was told “She jest asked if those jeans made her butt look big and I told her Nope not as much as her sweat pants.”
11:25 p.m. A man and a woman were seen fornicating in a nook on Central Avenue in Whitefish.
First of all did I tell you it was MINUS 9 degrees? They weren’t fornicating they were rubbing up against each other trying to stay warm.
11:34 p.m. The two were also seen outside of a pizza parlor. They were still going at it.
OK I know this is a false report because that means they were having intercourse for more than 10 minutes. Next you’ll try to sell me a bridge won’t you?
Friday 12/26/08
12:33 a.m. There was a sick person in Whitefish.
I got news for ya, there are a lot of sick people in Whitefish and everywhere else too.
Sunday 12/28/08 (Evidently this week the criminals took Saturday off)
5:36 a.m. There was a strong toxic odor on Colorado Avenue in Whitefish.
I see that “sick” person in Whitefish isn’t better….well maybe they feel better now.
2:16 p.m. A man didn’t get very far after he left a Kalispell bar. He was found passed out in his car in the parking lot.
Well at least he wasn’t stealing razor blades or condoms.
Monday 12/29
1:19 a.m. A 45-year-old woman with heart condition was reportedly drinking. It’s not certain but initial reports indicate that she might also be pregnant.
I’m telling you right now heart condition or not if I even remotely THOUGHT I was pregnant at 45 I’d be drinking too and in excess passed out in the parking lot of a bar after stealing razor blades.
2:28 p.m. Someone’s grandmother said there was a knife involved in an assault.
See 1:19 a.m. above. Yeah I bet she got a knife after him.
4:14 p.m. Someone may have had problems with their heart.
See 1:19 a.m. above. I can bet you diamonds to dollars the victim is the man who was involved in the alleged knife assault above.
5:32 p.m. There was an unspecified amount of wandering cows on Half Moon Road.
I just have to add these traffic reports to let you know L.A. has nothing on us. Also I was wondering if they were looking for the other Half of the Moon?
9:32 p.m. A woman says her ex keeps sending obscene text messages to her.
Tell him to stop. Tell him that if he doesn’t stop he may be like the guy in the 2:28 p.m. report.
10:23 p.m. A woman said a man was parked in her front yard. Actually, he was extremely intoxicated and had failed to negotiate the icy roadway.
“Yeup this looks like a good place to park.”
Sgt Joe Friday : There are over five thousand men in this city who know that being a policeman is an endless, glamorless, thankless job that's gotta be done. I know it, too. And I'm damned glad to be one of them.
Thank you Joe Friday for being one of them!
Now if you'll excuse me I'll be 10-8 at the donut shop.
Posts
5 comments:
Oh my gosh... you are a hoot!
I think you live in the safest place this side of the Mississippi. Enjoy your safe -9 degree weather.
Well, dearie, (Dearie? Who do I think I am? Richie Cunningham's mother?) Anyway, you win the freezing your ..... off contest. Really, minus 9. You can't see me but I'm shaking my head here. I won't even begin to complain about today's snow storm ... stay warm, you funny, funny lady.
I was reading these outloud to the Fiance last night and laughing my ass off. Thanks!
Another week and they haven't caught me yet
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