Sunday, January 11, 2009

Talking Crap

It seems for some reason when our family gets together we end up talking shit. No I don’t mean we tell lies and bag on each other. I mean we literally talk about our bodily secretions. We will talk about the inability, the over ability, the smell, the texture or the frequency. We will discuss the lack of or the need to and even the urgency in which we have to go. “DAD! I have to go right NOW!” Or “Mom do you have anything that will help?” Then there is the ever present “Where is the plunger?”

Yeah we are a close family and we share our feelings, failings and functions. We will laugh at one another in their moment of need but will take curves on icy roads at break neck speeds should there be a bathroom emergency on board. We are quick to add our home remedies or what works for the lack of and for the over abundance. Now put that together with all of us in a small condo with one bathroom. Trust me nothing goes un-noticed. There are always the little euphuisms “those who smelled it dealt it.” “They may be silent but they are deadly.” “Did you see that duck that I stepped on?” Then there is the inevitable “OH*MY*GAWD! WHAT DIED IN HERE?”

If you don’t know what I’m talking about then obviously you are from another planet. Although I have to believe that space aliens have Martian Gas or Venus Gas and I think they definitely have Gas on Uranus. Would Pluto Gas smell like dog farts? Which makes me think of a Cock-a-poo that we had when I was younger. His name was Ruff and he had some deadly Pluto Gas. Now just think with all this energy crisis and the volatile energy market if we could somehow harness the gas just our dogs emit. It would be astronomical. I mean it’s ALWAYS the dog right?
We currently are the proud slaves to three dogs. They are still in SoCal but they are still our masters even from afar. The biggest Plutonian gas emitter in the bunch is the boxer and I promise that dog could peel paint. You have some furniture you need stripped and refinished? Just put it in the living room next to Sgt Kai’s bed and within minutes of his afternoon nap you will have a slightly smelly but fully paint-less piece of furniture. Then there is H.W. the Hairy Wiener and he works hard to compete with the boxer. Last but not at all least is the black lab, Nickers, she holds her own with the boys but like all women she acts as if she didn’t do it and blames it on the boys.

Now the kids are all here and we are like I said all very close and in very close quarters. We are very comfortable with ourselves and the whole idea that things are “natural”. Would somebody please tell me why we all still blame it on the dogs?

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to cook a pot of red beans and maybe some stuffed cabbage.


Country Mouse, City Mouse said...

Too funny, one of the most natural bodily functions always seems to evoke such humour. Everybody does it after all.

Fun post!!

Anonymous said...

Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even Presidents
& Heads of States do it. . .

So tell me, why do most people act as if they never "toot"? (my granddoll's word)

Great Post, Glayds!!

Ed & Jeanne said...

Talking crap? Why that is my speciality!

Girly Stuff said...

You are a glutton for punishment with the beans and cabbage.

Those who toot together, stay together...that is my family's creed.

Mrs4444 said...

Our dog has started doing that lately; just GROSS. Of course, we all inspire him on a daily basis.

jenny said...

LOL funny crap that! We seem to always talk poop around here and my husband is proud of our 4-year old daughter who announced from the stop of the stairs at a friend's house: "I got to take a dump!"

With a new puppy and baby #4, there's lots of poop talk-- did he poop? Was it hard or soft? Man! That was a load! lol

Jean Martha said...

OMG!!!! Too funny.