Saturday, January 24, 2009

Too Much 411

Hello? What? You sound like you’re in a cavern or a tunnel or something. What? I think we have a bad connection or maybe your cell phone is on the fritz. What? Your WHERE? EWWWWWW I’m hanging up! Call me when you’re done!

When did we become so self-important that we have to talk on the cell phone and use the toilet at the same time? WHY? I mean who does this really? Why would anyone think this was even slightly acceptable much less hygienic? I mean I don’t want anyone talking to me when I’m trying to do my business and forget about it in a public restroom with someone sitting in the stall next to me. No thank you.
I bring this up because on a recent ride in the vessel of germs I overheard a conversation between a couple of business men. Now I’m not sure if they were trying to impress one another or if they were just discussing a fact, either way it piqued my curiosity. So I listened as Mr. Suite said to Mr. Shirtsleeves “yeah I was prairie-dogging really bad and I’m in a rush to the can. I get my pants down and I’m on a conference call with Mr. Bigshot and Mr. Moneybags. I’m squeezing one out as I am doing a million dollar deal.” Mr. Shirtsleeves was dutifully impressed and had a story of his own “Yeah you know it’s hard to hold that turtle-head in until you can hang-up. I did a major hotel deal a couple of years ago while in the midst of a case of the turkey squirts. I’m sure they heard the whole thing on the phone but we just kept going.”

This is curious to me on several levels. First who sits down next to a stranger on a plane and starts telling turkey-squirt stories? Second why are they taking phone calls on the pot? Third why am I listening? So I can share with you of course. This whole conversation got me to thinking have we become a society of too much information. Do I really want to know how regular you are? I mean you just sat down next to me on an airplane. Do I really need this information?

So what does the conversation sound like on the other end “So George, what do you think?” The pooper replies “Unggg, Igg theeennnnk weee neeed more unggg paper.” Then a big kerploosh and sploosh of a toilet flushing. “Thanks for the courtesy flush George.”

Oh my gosh and then lets talk about the advertising world. Why does Charmin think it’s necessary to show me dingle-berries on a bear’s ass? What is it with that commercial? Daddy bear and Baby bear are playing football when BB bends over to hike the ball there is poop paper stuck to his butt. Do we really need to know this? Do we really need to see this? At least he isn’t talking on his cell phone.

Please hold all my calls. Now if you will excuse me I’m going to go study in the library for a while.


Staci said...

You are so right about the TMI on the "terlet". And those bears on the commercials have bothered me since the first time I saw them!

Girly Stuff said...

A very close relative of mine cannot not answer the phone. And yes...will answer the phone in the stall of a public restroom.

That is the awesome thing about voicemail and caller ID. Call them back when it is appropriate!

And they answer the other line while talking to you...and make you wait while they talk to someone else. I hate call waiting. But like I said...they cannot not answer a ringing phone.

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud. Partly out of self-recognition, partly because I'm a Brit and we laugh at poo stories. Re. the former - Henry Miller said that some of his best ideas for stories came to him whilst in the john. I have had protracted 'phone conversations of great substance and depth (no imagistic parallels intended there), albeit only at home. I would draw the line at animated chat in a public loo - sorry, 'rest room' (I love that euphemism.)

Jean Martha said...

I think men are just obsessed with their own crap.

Beth said...

Cell phones are insidious gadgets - never allowing for alone time for those who have become dependent them.
And without my three sons having kept me in the loop, I could never have followed all the potty talk terms! What a blessing those boys are!

Ed said...

That's hillarious! For fun I like to be in public stalls talking really loud about smuggling dwarves across the borders for the black market juggling trade. Imagine all the subsequent conversations that must happen from those evesdroppers after hearing my prank! ha ha

Anonymous said...

Bathrooms are for going to the bathroom...that is all. I don't even walk in a bathroom withmy phone. Yes. This means that i DO NOT use ANY public restrooms...emergency only!

Queen Goob said...

I think about my kids - a lot - while I'm in the bathroom. Hmmm, must be some kind of subliminal messaging coming across there.

VE....I am so TOTALLY stealing that idea. AWESOME!