Trooper Bob Sets a Record

It's Thursday and once again time for the Trooper Bob Chronicles.

It was a record day in Trooper Bob’s career. I checked the facts with Trooper Bob and he doesn’t remember it being New Year Eve but he does remember it being winter. It was cold and the windows were up is what he could recall. No the weather had nothing to do with it being a record day it was the event that took place.

Here is Trooper Bob and one of his partners.
Trooper Bob was partnered with another Trooper named Davis. Trooper Bob and Trooper Davis had been paired up before and they got along great. Each man had their own style of humor. It had been an uneventful day. They had stopped and had coffee at the diner and then had lunch at the little Cantina. They were sitting on the side of the road not really looking for trouble and hoping none came their way. They instead were playing a game of pull my finger. Oh come on you know what I’m talking about. We all have dads. Your walking by in all your childhood innocence and your dad says “Hey Kid, yeah you. Come here. Pull my finger.” You look up at this man who is an icon, your hero and you of course do as he says and pull his finger. Then this sonic boom emits out of somewhere behind your dad’s recliner you jump back in surprise to be hit with something that smells like a stink bomb. You pinch your nose and rub your eyes and look pitifully at your dad who says “Did you see that duck? The one I just stepped on. Yeah I must have stomped the poo out of it cause it smells like shit in here.” Did you know for years I thought we had a paddle of ducks in our living room? Did you know my daddy still tries to pull that one on me?

Trooper Davis who was riding shotgun saw an old Studebaker truck heading toward the patrol car. It was careening this way and that way. Here is a Studebaker Truck. I've driven one like this and I had to sit on a pillow to see over the dash.

It was weaving from one side of the road to the other very nearly running into
the bar ditch before it would right itself again. The car was not going at an excessive rate of speed but was obviously a danger. Davis looked at Trooper Bob and says, “Hey I don’t thank anyone is driving that car. I can’t see nobody at the wheel.” Trooper Bob squinted to try to see through the filthy windshield but could see nothing. Not wanting to have anyone in danger, and this truck was a danger. He turned on the little cherry light and maneuvered the patrol car onto the highway and glided in behind the truck. Through the back windshield it appeared there was an elderly man sitting in the passenger seat but it appeared that no one was driving the out of control truck. Trooper Bob reached down and flipped the siren on (remember to read this SIGH REEN) and moved closer behind the truck. The truck continued on and only picked up speed but did not straighten out his erratic path.

Trooper Davis got excited as Trooper Bob sped up and passed the truck. “We gotta ketch him. He’s gonna hurt somebody driving like that from the passenger seat!” cried Davis. Trooper Bob hastily replied “No Davis, I think there is one of those little people driving that truck. See you can just barely see the top of his head.” They passed up the old truck and moved in front slowing down as they did so. This did not detour the truck, nope not one bit. Instead of slowing down and coming to a restful stop it plowed on ahead moving slightly to the left to pass up the patrol car. Just as it passed Trooper Bob got a really good look at the elderly man in the passenger seat. He was out cold. Still the truck seemed to be driving itself and not doing too good a job. The troopers were dumbfounded. Trooper Bob put his foot on the gas and took off after the truck once again. He quickly caught up to the truck. Trooper Bob said “Davis, I don’t think anyone is driving that truck and that old man has done passed out. I think if I can get up even with that truck you could jump on the running board and steer it over to the side. Maybe you could even get in and get it stopped. Whatcha think? Think you is up to it?” Davis turned a little white and swallowed really hard but he turned to Bob and said “Yeah I reckon I kin do it.” So Trooper Bob maneuvered his car as close to the truck as possible and Trooper Davis prepared to mount the running board. Then a small child’s head popped up in the driver’s seat and looked at the two troopers in surprise. Trooper Davis yelled “HEY KID PULL OVER!” Then he looked at Trooper Bob and incredulously stated “Theys a kid driving that truck! We gotta get him to pull over!” Bob again pulled up even with the truck and Davis stuck his torso out of the window as close to the truck as possible and yelled “HEY KID JUST STOP THE DAMN TRUCK! DO IT NOW!!!”

The kid finally did as he was told and stopped the truck. Trooper Bob blocked the road with his patrol car lit up like a Christmas tree what with the flashers and the cherry light on top as well as the ‘sigh-reen’ screaming. The doors of the patrol car exploded open as both troopers jumped out and advanced on the truck. Sure enough there in the driver’s seat sat a little seven year old boy. Next to him on the bench seat riding shot gun was an older man in his 90’s. On the seat between the two was a jug of corn liquor. You know white lightening, moon-shine home made fire water. Trooper Bob ran around to the passenger door fearful that the old man had died or worse. Trooper Davis ran to the driver’s door afraid that the little boy had been traumatized.

Trooper Bob yanked the door open and shook the old man hoping beyond hopes that he was just asleep. The old man then let out a 100 proof alcohol infused snore and burped. Trooper Bob shook the man a little harder while yelling “Sir, SIR! Are you okay?” The old man opened one eye then the other looking at the trooper with confusion and fear. On the other side of the truck Trooper Davis was conversing with the small boy. He reached in and set the parking brake and asked “Son are you alright?” The little boy gave the trooper a lop sided grin, hic-cupped and slurred “Yussir.” Trooper Davis looked across the cab at Trooper Bob and said “I think we have an inebriated youngin here.”

I remember my Grandmother having a jug like this when I was little. I don't think there was any moonshine in it. She was a teatotaler.

They impounded the truck and hauled the two to the local jailhouse. With a little bit of coaxing and a whole lot of coffee they got the story out of both the old man and the little boy. Seems the old man was taking his great-grandson out for the day. He went by the local moonshiner and got a jug and took off for home. Only he began nipping at the jug. His little great grandson wanted to drive. So Pappy scooted over and let Johnboy drive. “It was a dirt road. Weren’t no harm” said Pappy. Then Pappy drank some more and then some more until Pappy couldn’t see straight. Little Johnboy decided he could drive for Pappy so he just kept driving as Pappy slept. Little Johnboy was thirsty so he reached over and took a pull or two off the jug. They both were corn liquored up. The two troopers called the family to come pick the partners in crime up from the jail.

That was a record day for Trooper Bob. He arrested his oldest and his youngest drunk drivers on the same day and in the same truck. So don’t be a statistic this year.