Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Case Of The Missing Ear

Trooper Bob is having a bit of surgery today. Unfortunately it’s not his first rodeo. A couple of years ago they found a spot on his ear and decided that it needed to come off. It seems that all those years of riding in the patrol car chasing speeders and arresting drunk drivers with the sun shining down on him finally caught up with him. The doctor pulled him into the exam room took out a Tijuana switchblade and cut off a swatch of Trooper Bob’s ear. Then he took it over to the lab and splashed some dye on it and looked into a microscope. He came back into the exam room with a picture of the cells. He put the picture of the cells in front of Trooper Bob and said “You see this? This is growing on your ear and it needs to come off. Now I don’t know how far I’m going to have to cut but I am gonna cut till I don’t see these cells anymore.” Then the doctor took a 2 foot needle out and stuck it in top part of TB’s ear and said “this won’t hurt, much.”

He weedled and struggled then he lopped and ruffed until finally he had gotten all of that dreaded cancer off of the ear. Then the doc looked at the half of the ear he had left and recrafted Trooper Bob’s ear. The only problem was when he recrafted the ear it was about an inch smaller than the one on the other side. This would not have been a problem if TB didn’t wear glasses. Yeup you guessed it TB wears glasses and with his ear being all taped up it made it hard for him to rest his glasses on his ear. So he went home and took an old pair of glasses and just took the arms off of them. He sort of made himself a pair of opera glasses or those pince Nez glasses that Teddy Roosevelt sported. Eventually the ear healed and TB wore his hair a little longer on the sides and really it wasn’t even noticeable.

A couple of years passed and he went back to Dr. Switchblade and said “Hey Doc, I have this place on my upper lip that itches. It’s like a cold sore but it itches.” Dr. Switchblade once again pulled out his Tijuana special and sliced off a section. He took it to the lab and ran it through the microscope and came back with the news. “Trooper Bob” the doc said “looks like we are gonna have to cut this out. I don’t know how much I’m gonna have to cut but I’m gonna cut until I don’t see those cells no more.” Once again Dr. Switchblade pulled out the 2 foot syringe only this time he stuck it in Trooper Bob’s top lip and said “this won’t hurt much.”

I got to tell you Trooper Bob is a lot like Gladys. Trooper Bob loves to talk and to tell stories. This surgery put Trooper Bob’s story telling on hold for a couple of days. Also before the surgery Trooper Bob had a big old bushy mustache. He looked a whole lot like a famous actor. No, not Tom Selleck.
He looked like Wilford Brimley. Well he had to shave his mustache and after the surgery it never did fill in quite right.
So he gave up on his porn-stache and decided he would just go with a naked nipped upper lip.

Now he is back at Dr. Switchblade because he has one of those annoying melanoma’s on his other ear. Yes he already went in and let the Dr. look at it. He pulled out his Tijuana pig sticker and sliced off a section. He dipped it in dye and ran it under the microscope and said “TB, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to cut that off. I don’t know how much I’m gonna have to cut but I’m gonna cut until I don’t see anymore of those old cancer cells.”

Now you know where Trooper Bob is today. He wasn’t real happy about going. He wasn’t real happy about getting the 2 foot needle stuck in his ear. He wasn’t at all happy about having Dr. Switchblade rebuild his ear. So me being the positive person that I am I said “Well Daddy, look on the bright side, you already have the earless eyeglasses and you know what to expect and most important now your ears will match”

I love you Daddy!
Here is my PSA...Wear sun screen. Slather in the stuff. Wear it under your make-up and even if you are wearing a hat. Put it everywhere even the places you don't think you can get sunburned. Just because your skin has a darker pigment does not mean you are immune from melanoma. Please get your mammies grammed and your moles and for the guys bend over and caugh checked EVERY year.


Tatersmama said...

Aha... Great story and an even better warning!
I've got an app't to get the mammies grammed next month and the Old Guy did the bend over and cough routine in January.

My ex (the dipsh** CHP) has had bits and pieces lopped off his head for years, but he wouldn't wear that sissified sunscreen. If they ever wanted to build those ears back up, they'd have plenty of belly to work from.

Debbie said...

I guess it could be worse. The doc could have a chain saw.
Good luck with the surgery.

Katherine Aucoin said...

Wishing Tropper Bob has a speedy and comfortable recovery.

Great post Gladys, everyone needs to take care of their skin.

Girly Stuff said...

I will be praying for Trooper Bob's ears to match up and that all is OK!

Cher said...

As long as what's between the ears is OK...!

Another PSA: Get what's covered by short shorts checked too. Every year! My sister has ovarian cancer.

The Texas Woman

MJ said...

Great post. I am so glad my cop works night shift!

My mother always slathered on he sunscreen, and she looks fantastic at age 55. So of course, I always have it on.