Just the Facts Week ending 2-20-09

*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times. *

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-20-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by the Beacon’s first and only intern Jake Grilley. Julius Macker was on vacation in Arizonia where the sun shines and the snow is gone. (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 2/17/09
10:21 a.m. Threats were made on Bear Trail in Whitefish. An individual was harassing another over a settlement from small claims court.

What was he doing standing there with his finger in his face saying “I haI Won yowho lost. Na-nana-nan-ah. You are a loo-who-oozer. I am a win-nin-er.

10:41 a.m. A building on Tamarack Heights in Columbia Falls that is still under construction was broken into. The perpetrators stole mostly tools.

The building is under construction. What else are they going to take?

1:21 p.m. A theft of anhydrous ammonia was reported on Church Drive. The fertilizer is often used in making methamphetamine.

Was it stolen from the Church of What’s Happening Now? Where when they have “Pot” luck lunches it doesn’t include casseroles but things called Cabo Wabo and Maui Wowie or perhaps some of that elusive Pineaple Express?

3:39 p.m. Threats were made on West Reserve. A wife was sending threatening text messages. Officers told the complainants that it was a civil matter.

What was she threatening? You better come home for dinner or I’m using your toothbrush to clean the toilet.

6:16 p.m. Someone saw suspicious activity on Farm to Market Road. Apparently there were several flea-like critters crawling on the snow. The individual felt it was too early for the insects to be hatching and took a sample so that it could be analyzed.

First of all what? Second of all who can see flea like critters crawling? Have you ever seen a flea? They are tiny. Do you know how to tell the difference between a girl flea and a boy flea? A girl flea has a tiny hiney and a boy flea has a teeny weenie.

8:17 p.m. A homewoner on Covill Lane in Columbia Falls complained that they had received several telemarketing phone calls.

Who knew you were suppose to call 9-1-1 for telemarketers. I usually just bull shit them until they finally hang up. I start repeating everything they say you know like you did when you were kid to annoy someone. They get really upset and hang up.

10:44 p.m. Someone on Farm to Market Road received a threatening voicemail from a female in distress, but the call turned out to be a hoax.

Now see I don’t understand this one at all. Was the female threatening or was she in distress? How was she both? Did she call and say “I’m being kidnapped and if you don’t come get me I’m going to kill you?” I don’t get it.

11:41 p.m. There was a domestic dispute concerning children and stepchildren on River Falls Drive in Columbia Falls. The two individuals involved are now sleeping in separate rooms.

Sounds like there are going to be some threatening texts in his future.

Wednesday 2/18/09

7:31 a.m. A 2002 Ford Ranger was weaving all over the road on Highway 93. Officers attempted to locate the vehicle but didn’t find it.

Did they look in the ditch?

8:25 a.m. A 40-year-old female on Cloud Creek Road in Somers had taken several pills and wasn’t feeling well. The individual was checked on and other than being a little depressed she was OK.

This is why one should never take Qualudes on an empty stomach.

10:28 a.m. A custodial interference complaint was reported on Pine Valley Loop in Columbia Falls. A divorced couple had a custody dispute in which the ex-wife took her kids as they were being watched by the ex-husband’s girlfriend.

Hey why kick they guy when he is down? The girlfriend already made him sleep in the other room. Now you go and take the kids? Just go send him some more text.

12:53 p.m. A dog reportedly killed 10 chickens on 150 Lost Coon Trail in Whitefish. Animal control couldn’t confirm what killed the chickens.

How do they know the Lost Coon didn’t kill the chickens. This really isn't fair to the dog. He gets blamed for everything. The noxious sulfur smell in the room, the missing shoes, losing your job, burning the bicuits all blamed on the dog and now the Chickens! Why does everyone blame the dog?

2:35 p.m. Apparently, a small child on Trumble Creek Road got a hold of a telephone and played the classic children’s game of calling 9-1-1.

Can you see one kid saying to the other “What is the number for 9-1-1?” The Other tot answers “I don’t know. Why don’t you call 9-1-1 and find out.”

4:55 p.m. An out-of-county process server confronted a woman on Boone Road. The woman told him he would be shot if he didn’t vacate the property. The process server left. Officers are investigating the matter.

Evidently she didn’t want to be served papers. The question is who called the police? The woman or the process server?

5:12 p.m. A husband, who was on a “marijuana program,” felt funny and light headed. He refused medical attention. This was his first time using the drug.

Honey, this marijeewanna is making me feel a little funny and really really hungry. Maybe you should call 9-1-1. Oh and tell them to bring me a Slushi and some Doritoes.

5:41 p.m. Several people were reported as stuck floating on an ice block in the Swan River. They were gone when officers arrived.

This is EXACTLY the reason I keep refusing to walk across the frozen lake. I would get stuck on an ice block and disappear before rescue came.

5:53 p.m. Animal cruelty was reported on Rhodes Draw of a dog owner that wouldn’t let her pet go outside. The report was unfounded. Sherriff Mike Meehan said it was a case of “nice old lady taking care of her dog.”

Those evil little old ladies taking care of their dogs. Someone should call PETA.

11:52 p.m. A woman has a restraining order against her husband and the man hid under a blanket on her porch. He was arrested without incident.

Yeah I know if I were hiding from the police I would hide under a blanket on someone’s porch. The police would NEVER think to look there. Something tells me this guy wasn't too good at playing hide and seek.

12:51 a.m. Drug activity was reported in the ShopKo parking lot.

Hey it’s just the guy on the medical marijuana after some more Doritoes. Give the guy a break, it’s his first time.

2:16 a.m. A disturbance was reported on Springcreek. The complainant wanted officers to issue a disorderly conduct ticket to a helicopter that had flown over his house three times.

So just HOW were the officers supposed to issue this ticket? Jump really high?

"Sir we'll be right back. We are going to have to go get a trampoline in order to issue this ticket."

Thursday 2/19/09

2:50 p.m. Officers served a misdemeanor warrant on Flathead Drive, but the person avoided jail time because the jail was too full.

Whew! That was a close one!

3:54 p.m. Two males had an altercation on Mountain Drive in Hungry Horse. One threw a glass of water at the other. The two decided to take care of the situation themselves.

Ok does anyone else think that throwing water on each other is just a little, um… Drama queen-ish?

5:15 p.m. A patron at a local restaurant reported that his waitress tried to poison him. Officers investigated and the report was unfounded.

I don’t think I would eat there again if I were him.

11:53 p.m. Two females got into a fight at an Evergreen bar. The two settled their differences.

Did they throw water on each other?

Friday 2/20/09

1:25 p.m. A customer at a local electronics store, upset over a factory rebate, threatened to throw a television on the floor.

Was it his TV? What did he do say "I’ll show you! I smash TV’s on the floor and go to jail because you didn’t give me my $50 rebate!"

4:04 p.m. An adult male was caught shoplifting two videogames from K-Mart.

Dude you’re an adult! Go get a job and buy your video games. What? You can’t find a job because your too busy getting to the millionth level of hell in World Of Warcraft? Oh well then by means you should steal them.

9:09 p.m. Road rage was reported on Three Mile Drive. A driver had been slamming on their breaks attempting to run another driver off the road.

People! This isn’t L.A. What is wrong with you people? Act like small town people and wave to each other on the road. Stop and chat in the middle of the interstate. GEEZE!

1:23 a.m. A 1991 Honda Accord was stolen in Columbia Falls.

WHY?

Captain Gannon: Frank won't be coming into work today

Joe. Friday: 24 hour virus?

Captain Gannon: Or tomorrow.

Joe Friday: 48 hour?

Captain Gannon: Frank quit, bought a goat farm...