Just the Facts Week Ending 3/30/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3/30/2009

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Friday 03-20-09

3:31 a.m. An intoxicated male threw lighters on the floor at a local convenience store.

Were they lit?

7:56 a.m. Someone jumped the fence at a local business and drove a work truck around. It doesn’t appear that they took or damaged anything.

Maybe they needed to go to work. Or maybe it was Big Foot again only I didn’t know he could drive.

12:09 p.m. A dead calf was lying on the sidewalk on Commerce Street in Bigfork. A man had put it there for his dogs to eat. The animal warden advised the party to move the animal.

Every once in a while one of these comes along where there just isn’t anything to add.

12:17 p.m. Someone from Martin City called to report a phone scam.

They called to report a scam? How do we know the person calling to report the scam wasn’t scamming the fact that there was a scam?

5:17 p.m. A phone scam was reported on Michaels Slough Road in Columbia Falls.

It’s the scamming scammers scamming again.

8:11 p.m. There was a report of possible poaching on Hodgson Road.

Poached what? Poached eggs? Poached fish? I really like poached salmon with a little orange marmalade on top.

12:24 a.m. Authorities checked on an intoxicated male at a local motel.

How nice. I wonder if they brought him some water and something to eat. You know a greasy In and Out Burger is my hangover cure. I wonder if I got drunk if the “authorities” would bring me one.

Monday 03-23-09

9:17 a.m. Someone was receiving restricted phone calls on Shady Lane.

How would they receive them if they are restricted?

10:35 a.m. There was a report of someone writing a bad check at a local bar.

If they knew it was bad why did they take it?

11:20 a.m. There was a stray cow wandering around on McGregor Lane in Marion.

Thank goodness it was in Marion and not in Big Fork. They would just kill it and lay it on the sidewalk for the dogs to eat.

4:42 p.m. There was a report of a burnt Porta-Potty in Columbia Falls. The Columbia Falls Fire Department investigated.

Well that was a shitty thing to do.

6:20 p.m. Someone suffering from a mental illness was having problems on Terrace Road.

I’m no expert but if you are suffering from a mental illness doesn’t it go without saying you have problems? Isn’t that redundant?

7:15 p.m. A suspicious vehicle was parked at a storage center on Highway 40. The vehicle was gone when officers arrived.

Maybe Bigfoot stored it.

7:48 p.m. A resident on Highway 40 received two phone calls from the Flathead County Detention Center. They believed it could be a hoax because they don’t know anyone in jail. A sheriff’s official speculated that it could be that they don’t know that someone they know is in jail.

Dude, it’s Dave. I’m in jail Come get me.

No man Dave’s not here.

No it’s Dave, come get me.

Man Dave’s not here.

NO, I’m DAVE, come get me.

Dude, DAVES NOT HERE.

8:58 p.m. There was a report of suspicious activity on Highway 35. Somene thought they saw someone in a black ski mask. Officers couldn’t find anyone that matched that description.

Who could it be? Big Foot? (said in my Dana Carvy Church Lady voice.)


Tuesday 03-24-09

1:48 p.m. Someone at a local bar thought that their vehicle had been stolen. It was in fact towed away by the Columbia Falls Police Department, not stolen.

Well it was stolen just legally.

4:47 p.m. A female was reported as missing on Piney Dell Trail. She had been out riding her horse and got home late. The call was canceled when she returned.

She was riding Wildfire….On Wildfire we're gonna ride. Gonna leave sodbustin' behind, Get these hard times right on out of our minds, Riding Wildfire..

5:49 p.m. There was a rockslide that covered both lanes of the road a few miles east of West Glacier.

It was the Rockmonster and Bigfoot having a rock fight. Not to be confused with the Hill Monster. That is something entirely different

9:41 p.m. People were yelling at each other on Bills Road in Lakeside. It turns out they were just goofing around.

Sure they were. That's what we always told my mom when me and my sister faught. "Mom! We were just joking! No really I put Gladys in the trash can but I was just joking!"

Wednesday 03-25-09

12:51 p.m. An 18-year-old pregnant woman was suffering from childbirth complications and was transported to the hospital.

The first complication is that she is 18 and pregnant. BIRTH CONTROL PEOPLE!

1:36 p.m. A 38-year-old male was caught shoplifting cold medicine at a local shopping center.
Give him a break; he had runny nose fever and an achy head. He didn’t know what he was doing.2:17 p.m. A man was missing from the Wilderness Treatment Center. He was located and returned to the facility.

I’m confused what do they do at the Wilderness Treatment Center? Do they give therapy to trees and rocks?

12:03 a.m. A female heard thumping outside of her trailer on Plentywood Drive and suspected a prowler. Officers were unable to locate a suspect.

Bigfoot again.

Thursday 03-26-09

9:15 a.m. A door was left open at a home near Echo Lake. It turns out the house was being painted and the painter was airing it out.

I guess he had huffed all the lacquer he could for the day.

2:44 p.m. Someone reported that their van had been vandalized. Upon inspection, an officer couldn’t determine whether the van had been vandalized or if a part had just fallen off.

That’s pretty bad when you can’t tell if your POS Van is just shedding pieces or if someone is taking them.

8:17 p.m. A couple on Highway 93 in Whitefish got into an argument when a man told a woman that he was in love with someone else.

Yeah that usually pisses people off. “Honey, I know we’ve been married 60 years and I just bought you a 14 karat diamond but I’m in love with my best friend Bill.” I don’t think that the wife is going to be very happy.

8:55 p.m. An intoxicated male was cursing and being belligerent toward a female on Harmony Road. She didn’t want to pursue charges she just wanted him checked on.

So they moved their “discussion” from Hwy 93 to Harmony Road. Hum, doesn’t sound very Harmonious to me.

10:14 p.m. A male was hiding behind a Bigfork casino. When officers shined their flashlights on him he ran into the woods. Officers were unable to locate the suspect.

That Bigfoot sure gets around.

1:45 a.m. An intoxicated man was rudely hitting on a woman at a local casino. Another patron there asked him if he wanted to take things outside. When the man obliged he was subsequently punched in the face. He doesn’t recall being rude and it is unclear if anyone will press charges.

Dude how drunk are you when you don’t recall hitting on someone?

Friday 03-27-09

10:16 a.m. Trespassing was reported at a local church. The issue was deemed a civil matter.

Doesn’t sound very civil to me if they called the police.

11:35 a.m. Someone on River Estates Drive wanted their neighbor questioned about unsafe shooting. Reportedly, the neighbor gets drunk and shoots his gun at night.

Maybe he’s shooting at Bigfoot.

Monday 03-30-09

9:48 a.m. Someone broke the tiles on the outside counter of a local coffee shack.

9:48 a.m. Someone punched holes into the walls of an empty trailer on South Cedar Drive.

That someone sure is destructive!

11:44 a.m. A 1977 Honda motorcycle was stolen from a residence on Lower Valley Drive.

Why?

1:28 p.m. A suspicious person was trying to break open a door at a store in Evergreen. The suspect was gone when officers arrived.

I am telling you it’s Bigfoot and he just wants something to eat and to watch a little T.V.

3:10 p.m. A husband and a wife got into a verbal argument at a local school parking lot.

Don't you know that makes little Johnny proud of his parents?

4:15 p.m. A paper box was stolen and a light was shot out a home on Lore Lake Road.

Ok I’m confused. Was it a box of paper or was it a box made out of paper?

4:24 p.m. Someone called to give a tip about possible embezzlement. Officers were unable to reach the tipster when they had follow up questions.

I’m thinking that the tipster and the embezzler may be in cahoots. OK I'll confess I only left this one in here so I could use the word cahoots.

6:22 p.m. A 17-year-old girl had been kicked out of her parent’s home in Kila. Her 22-year-old boyfriend broke a window on the home so she could retrieve some of her belongings. The parents returned home and reported the break-in.

Honey? How much do you love me?
Oh Baby I’d do anything for you.
Would you break into my parents house and get my Hello Kitty Halter Top and my pack of smokes?
Sure Baby. But what if I get caught?
I’ll wait for you honey.

8:38 p.m. A male suspect turned himself in on an outstanding drug warrant.

Hum must have been hungry and cold. He knew he could get 3 hots and a cot.

10:08 p.m. Two males got into a physical altercation at a Hungry Horse residence. Neither male lived there. One of them was dating the homeowner’s daughter. Sometime during the altercation two windows were broken, that is when a neighbor informed the homeowner’s of the disturbance. When the residents got home they got into an altercation in which another window was broken. The boyfriend and the other suspect were gone when officers arrived. An intoxicated witness of the altercation was transported with a leg injury. Officers believe alcohol contributed to the incident, but it is unknown which parties may have been drinking.

You think?

This weeks Joe Friday Quote:

Joe Friday: Prepare the virgin? I don't like the sound of that.

Pep Streebeck: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.

Dragnet 1954