"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3/30/2009
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
Were they lit?
Maybe they needed to go to work. Or maybe it was Big Foot again only I didn’t know he could drive.
Every once in a while one of these comes along where there just isn’t anything to add.
They called to report a scam? How do we know the person calling to report the scam wasn’t scamming the fact that there was a scam?
It’s the scamming scammers scamming again.
Poached what? Poached eggs? Poached fish? I really like poached salmon with a little orange marmalade on top.
How nice. I wonder if they brought him some water and something to eat. You know a greasy In and Out Burger is my hangover cure. I wonder if I got drunk if the “authorities” would bring me one.
9:17 a.m. Someone was receiving restricted phone calls on Shady Lane.
How would they receive them if they are restricted?
If they knew it was bad why did they take it?
Thank goodness it was in Marion and not in Big Fork. They would just kill it and lay it on the sidewalk for the dogs to eat.
Well that was a shitty thing to do.
6:20 p.m. Someone suffering from a mental illness was having problems on Terrace Road.
I’m no expert but if you are suffering from a mental illness doesn’t it go without saying you have problems? Isn’t that redundant?
Maybe Bigfoot stored it.
Dude, it’s Dave. I’m in jail Come get me.
No man Dave’s not here.
No it’s Dave, come get me.
Man Dave’s not here.
NO, I’m DAVE, come get me.
Dude, DAVES NOT HERE.
Who could it be? Big Foot? (said in my Dana Carvy Church Lady voice.)
1:48 p.m. Someone at a local bar thought that their vehicle had been stolen. It was in fact towed away by the Columbia Falls Police Department, not stolen.
Well it was stolen just legally.
She was riding Wildfire….On Wildfire we're gonna ride. Gonna leave sodbustin' behind, Get these hard times right on out of our minds, Riding Wildfire..
It was the Rockmonster and Bigfoot having a rock fight. Not to be confused with the Hill Monster. That is something entirely different
Sure they were. That's what we always told my mom when me and my sister faught. "Mom! We were just joking! No really I put Gladys in the trash can but I was just joking!"
12:51 p.m. An 18-year-old pregnant woman was suffering from childbirth complications and was transported to the hospital.
The first complication is that she is 18 and pregnant. BIRTH CONTROL PEOPLE!
1:36 p.m. A 38-year-old male was caught shoplifting cold medicine at a local shopping center.
Give him a break; he had runny nose fever and an achy head. He didn’t know what he was doing.2:17 p.m. A man was missing from the Wilderness Treatment Center. He was located and returned to the facility.
I’m confused what do they do at the Wilderness Treatment Center? Do they give therapy to trees and rocks?
12:03 a.m. A female heard thumping outside of her trailer on Plentywood Drive and suspected a prowler. Officers were unable to locate a suspect.
9:15 a.m. A door was left open at a home near Echo Lake. It turns out the house was being painted and the painter was airing it out.
I guess he had huffed all the lacquer he could for the day.
That’s pretty bad when you can’t tell if your POS Van is just shedding pieces or if someone is taking them.
Yeah that usually pisses people off. “Honey, I know we’ve been married 60 years and I just bought you a 14 karat diamond but I’m in love with my best friend Bill.” I don’t think that the wife is going to be very happy.
So they moved their “discussion” from Hwy 93 to Harmony Road. Hum, doesn’t sound very Harmonious to me.
That Bigfoot sure gets around.
Dude how drunk are you when you don’t recall hitting on someone?
10:16 a.m. Trespassing was reported at a local church. The issue was deemed a civil matter.
Maybe he’s shooting at Bigfoot.
9:48 a.m. Someone broke the tiles on the outside counter of a local coffee shack.
I am telling you it’s Bigfoot and he just wants something to eat and to watch a little T.V.
Don't you know that makes little Johnny proud of his parents?
Ok I’m confused. Was it a box of paper or was it a box made out of paper?
I’m thinking that the tipster and the embezzler may be in cahoots. OK I'll confess I only left this one in here so I could use the word cahoots.
Honey? How much do you love me?
Oh Baby I’d do anything for you.
Would you break into my parents house and get my Hello Kitty Halter Top and my pack of smokes?
Sure Baby. But what if I get caught?
I’ll wait for you honey.
8:38 p.m. A male suspect turned himself in on an outstanding drug warrant.
Hum must have been hungry and cold. He knew he could get 3 hots and a cot.
Joe Friday: Prepare the virgin? I don't like the sound of that.