Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Medicated Relief so to Speak

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Oh wait that’s not it. A long time ago Mrs. Nott Meany was married to a very nasty man. He was mean and nasty to Mrs. Nott Meany and their beautiful little girl. Mrs. Nott Meany believed in the old adage what goes around comes around. She was just waiting for the day when it did.

One afternoon Mr. Very Meany came home early and greeted his wife and daughter with a grunt and a sneer. He put on his running clothes and left without a goodbye or fare-the-well. While he was out stretching his legs and pounding the pavement Mrs. Nott Meany went about her daily routine. She scrubbed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. She put the jars of dry skin cream and the sore muscle creams on the shelf where they belonged. She washed out the sink and hung fresh towels and then went on to do the rest of the house.

Mr. Very Meany after a long hard run came back to the house and walked into the kitchen. “Is my supper ready?” he barked. “Almost” replied Mrs. Nott Meany. “I’m going to take a shower” he snapped and then added “I don’t want to be disturbed.” Mrs. Nott Meany rolled her eyes as she heard his muddy running shoes walk down her freshly scrubbed wooden floor hallway. She basted her bird, checked on her homemade bread and finished mashing the potatoes. As she was placing the finishing touches on her salad she heard a piercing scream. She stopped and listened but heard nothing more. She walked to the laundry room and put some towels in when she heard her name being screamed from bathroom.

Thinking that maybe Mr. Very Meany had fallen in the shower and hit his head or worse she made her way slowly to the bathroom. The screaming got louder the closer to the bathroom. Slowly she opened the door expecting to see massive amounts of blood and brains, well maybe not massive amounts of brains. The door creaked open and there standing in front of her was a very naked and a very irritated Mr. Very Meany. The naked Mr. Meany screamed “Nott what the hell did you put in the skin cream?” She looked at her husband standing there with his manly parts in his hand tears in his eyes shifting from one foot to the other. Then she looked at the jar of Icy Hot muscle cream sitting on the sink. She was confused as to what had transpired so she asked “Very, why did you put icy hot on your manly bits?”

Mr. Meany picked up the jar and glared at the big blue and red label in horror then he screamed “Make it stop burning. Oh dear lord it burns!” Nott bit her lip and stifled a giggle. She looked at the pain and agony emanating from Verry’s face and that‘s when it dawned on her. This was his “comes around” minute and she needed to take full advantage of it. She very innocently said “Quick run cold water over it.” Now for those of you have never used Icy Hot or Tiger Balm or even Ben Gay you wouldn’t know that cold water only makes the effects well more effective. It makes the burn hotter, the tingle more intense and for Mr. Meany the agony more agonizing.

Once again Mr. Meany emitted a scream that rivaled a bob cat caught in a bear trap. “Make it stop!” he cried. Nott smiled to herself and said “Is that not helping? Oh my! Well let me run to the pharmacy and see if I can find something to help.” “Please hurry” groaned Mr. Meany. Then with the speed of a sloth she retrieved her keys and her purse and headed the 10 miles to the pharmacy. She waited until her favorite song finished playing on the radio and listened to the weather. She entered the pharmacy and checked out the new nail colors and magazines as she made her way to the pharmacist counter. She graciously allowed several older people to go ahead of her in line after all it was the polite thing to do.

Finally it was her turn to speak with the pharmacist. “Hi, my husband slathered icy hot all over his beans and frank and is in quite a bit of pain.” Nott stated. The male pharmacist instinctively grabbed his groin and sucked in air as he asked “How exactly did this happen?” Nott smiled her sweet smile and said “I’m not sure but he had it everywhere in his man area. What can he put on it to cool it off?” Mr. Pharmacist grimaced and said “there really isn’t ANYTHING that can be done. It just has to wear off. You might put some corn starch on it, but whatever you do DO NOT put cold water on it. Once that cold water hits it the petroleum jelly in it just coagulates and it just makes it harder to get it off.” Nott smiled to herself and then thanked the pharmacist. She slowly made her way over to the talcum powder section. She searched until she found just the right powder containing corn starch. She made her purchase and then drove well below the speed limit to insure she would not be sited for speeding.

Once she arrived home she again finished listening to a song on the radio and made her way into the house. She called out to her spouse. She walked through the house and found him cowered in a corner of the bathtub tears in his eyes still holding his now scarlet and swollen bits and pieces. “I spoke to Mr. Pharmacist and he said this should help some” she said as pulled the container of Gold Bond Medicated powder out of her bag. “Oh and make sure you wash with plenty of cold water to keep the swelling down.”

Mrs. Nott Meany went back to salvage her supper. She switched the kitchen radio on and turned the volume up to drown out the screams.

12 comments:

Staci said...

Bwahhhaaaaahahahaha! That is a great story! I like the different names for the "man package".

Suzanne said...

You now have my undying devotion for this post! Oh My Holy Heck... hahahahahahaha! I may laugh about that one all the rest of the week!

Anonymous said...

OMG, this is the best ever!

Quirky Cousin

Katherine Aucoin said...

Don't you just get warm and fuzzy all over when a story has a happy ending?

This was one heck of a story and I think it's my new favorite.

Tatersmama said...

Bwahahahaha !!! I wish I had known this little secret, when I was married to my ex!!
Beans and Frank..... bwahahahaha !!!!
*wiping my eyes*

Debbie said...

Now this is what dreams are made of!

VE said...

I suspect a plot brewing here...I'm sending out the all-male alert. Well, I'll filter it from the jerks...10 or 20 males should get it...

morethananelectrician said...

Lessons to husbands...

1. Be nice to wives.
2. Buy own lotions.
3. "look" before you "leap"

Dawn on MDI said...

Dear gawd, that was delicious! Absolute perfection. marvelous stuff.

Girly Stuff said...

It does always work out in the end.

terri said...

Mrs. Nott Meany was one smart cookie!

Cher said...

I love it when a plan comes together!

The Texas Woman