Monday, March 23, 2009

You Work Today?

Sometime ago back when the economy was still good I went to get my nails done at the salon. I went to the nail salon close to my house that is run by some Asian women. Now I’ve gone there off and on for about four years and have always had a good experience. Since I consider this treatment a treat I didn’t get a mani-pedi often usually just before special occasions. I always tried to get the same girl, Daisy.

I arrived at the salon and found out that Daisy was booked and since I didn’t know any of the other nail techs I took my chances. I got a new girl. She looked very young and didn’t speak English very well. She greeted me and with a big smile and motioned me into the pedicure chair. Her name was Mary and she immediately got to work on my feet. She filled up the tub and stuck my feet in the warm water. She looked up at me and said “You work today?” I smiled and replied I was taking the day off. She gathered her implements around her and then said “you have boyfriend?” I told her yes and I was married to him. Trying to keep the small talk going I ask her where she was from and she says Cambodia. Then I ask her how long she had been here and she answered “Since about 8 o'clock”. I tried again “no how long in the US?” She answered “Not long” duh I couldn't tell. I decided conversation was going to be difficult to say the least so I sat and read my magazine while she was doing my pedicure. Then I smell this horrible smell. It is putrid. I looked around but didn't see anything that would make this offensive smell and went back to looking at the magazine. I smelled it again and thought it must be the magazine so I put it up to my nose and sniffed. I realize it wasn’t the magazine. I go back to reading when I smell it again. I crunched my nose and looked around the salon nothing unusual. I searched with my eyes for some sign of any deadly chemical reaction that would cause this smell. I saw nothing. I mean what I should have smelled was acetone and lacquer. This didn’t smell like either of those. It smelled dead or worse.

She led me over to the table after completing my pedicure. I sat down placed my hands on the table and we once again smiled an uncomfortable smile at one anther. She looked at the table next to us and spoke in her native language to her colleague and they both laugh. Now if you have never been in this situation, let me tell you it makes you a little paranoid. You wonder if they are talking about you. What is she saying to her fellow technician “did you see this dumb lady’s toenails? She could have climbed a tree like a sloth” to which her friend would reply “she looks like one too.”

She began to file my nails when the smell came back. Only this time I knew where it originated. This demure little Asian girl expelled the loudest flatulance I have ever heard. I thought it was going to bring the roof down and the green haze that permeated afterwards would peel paint. I don't know what she ate but they need to feed it to our soldiers and then just point their posteriors toward the enemy because I promise it would knock them OUT!

She acted as if nothing happened. She continued chattering with her friend and pushing back my cuticles. I was dying. I was gasping for fresh air. I was praying for someone to open the door, light a match heck crack open a rotten egg; anything to make it smell better. I held my breath until I was about to pass out and finally had to suck in as much of the putrid air as was necessary to remain conscious. Mary looked at me with her innocent face and said “So…you work today?”


Anonymous said...

hmm...I see not ONE person had
enough nerve to comment but me!

omg, this is waaaaaay TMI!

But I guess we have to take the bad with the good if we are going
to travel this road with you.
Love you lots and keep 'em coming!
Quirky Cousin

Staci said...

OMG I'm gagging right along with you.

Tatersmama said...

OMG.... How disgusting! I'm gagging here! *URP*
I thought for a minute there, that you were going to tell us that your FEET were soaking in pickled gopher guts or something!

Cottage Chick said...

Gladys....I laughed until I are hilarious!!!

Gladys said...

QC- Yes you know me...

Staci- yeah it wasn't pleasant

TAter-I think that would have smelled better

Cottage Chic - yeah I was crying too but it wasn't from laughing...

Kelley said...

I am now terrified to get a mani-pedi. Not only will the girl gossip about me in her native tongue, but she will also try to kill me with noxious gas!

You're a brave woman, Gladys.

Mrs4444 said...

That must have been DISGUSTING! Smelling your own or your family member's "toots" is usually bearable, but a stranger? I'm surprised you didn't puke!

Bob said...

Very Thurberesque. I am in awe of you.

leeann said...

Perhaps she was part lemur, since that's how they fight... fart wars.
I have proof:

(Sorry about the long link, I'm a total technotard and can't figure how to just... just LINK the dang thing.)

Barney's Friend Chris said...

My sister sent me an email telling me I needed to make a trip over to your blog and have a laugh. I love a good toot story ... thank you for making bust out laughing!!

VE said...

See, yet another reason why men don't get nails done!

gigi said...

Barney's friend Chris is my brother and I knew he would love your blog!

They laugh at me behind my back and to my face every time I walk in, which isn't often but they always remember me. I'm allergic to everything. So when I have a pedicure, they have to use only COLD water and so soap or chemicals. That alone makes them laugh at me. When I walk through the door in unison they say, "No sop, i wat-a" they all remember. I think they are all trained in English to ask, You work today? I've started making things up to say to them, because they don't understand any of it any way and it gives me something to laugh about.
Great post!

Gladys said...

Kelly - Just make sure to wear a clothes pin on your nose.

Mrs 4's - Yeah I'm not real fond of anyone's gas

Bob - Would that be Thurber Texas?

Leanne- She was quite Lemur-esque

Barney's Friend Chris - By all means share yours. Story not toots.

V.E. - Don't lie we know you LOVE the salon. You enjoy huffing the acetone.

Gigi - You work today?

Hula Doula said...

You should have asked for a hit of pure oxygen!!

TitansFan said...

Holy cow! My wife runs our nail salon and she said one time the customer she was working on fell asleep in the new Pedicure Massage Chair. I guess it relaxed her sooo much she let one out that even woke her up. She said the lady was so red she could have been a Cardinal!