Thursday, April 30, 2009

A Hunting I Did Go

I am only writing this because Lilu asked me to. Today is TMI Thursday over at her site Live It Luv It. I normally reserve today for Trooper Bob. Today however I will be giving you WAY too much personal information about myself. So if you are easily offended or are the least bit squeamish by female parts please skip today’s post and come back tomorrow. If you happen to be one of my children keep in mind that your mother was once young and impressionable. Enough said? Oh and if you are one of my children please do not include this in my eulogy when I die.
When I was young around eighteen years old I dated a young man who was an avid hunter. He was one of those guys who would spend his entire weekend during dove season, hunting. He did the same during duck, deer, turkey, squirrel, varmint, and cockroach season. I don’t know if there really is a cockroach season but I’ve seen some that were bigger than a cow. I digress.
This just happened to be dove season which starts in September. September in west Texas is still very hot. His family owned some land outside of the little town where I went to college. He picked me up one Saturday and we headed out shotguns loaded into the gun rack in the back window of his Chevy Apache. He had his bottle of coke and next to it sat his bottle of spit. He had his Redman Tobacco in a pouch. I had on my tightest Wrangler’s a cute shirt and my favorite cowboy boots. We looked just like Sissy and Bud for you youngins that is Debra Winger and John Travolta in Urban Cowboy.

We arrived at ‘The Place’ which is what they called their little spread. It had an old farm house and some loading pens that were all vacant. He parked the pickup in a field. He and I unloaded our necessary supplies, the guns and a burlap sack. We headed out across the field that had once been full of corn or grain but now was just brown stalks. Now Button, yes his name was really Button, was happy about having me along but then again not so happy. I mean since his dog had passed over into the happy hunting ground he didn’t have anyone to retrieve the birds but he did have a pretty cute girlfriend who didn’t mind going after them. He was unhappy though because I am big old klutz. I can tear up a stainless steel ball bearing. My daddy used to say I was a bull in a china closet. My momma always said I went where I was looking instead of looking where I was going. This is not a good thing when you are hunting. You are supposed to be quiet and stealthly. I am talkative and clumsy.

We had been out hunting for several hours and I had drunk a couple of glasses of iced tea before we had headed out. Mother Nature was now calling to me. She wasn’t just calling she was SCREAMING at me. I tried to hold it. I tried not to think about it; except we were sitting by a tank, for those of you not from Texas that is like a pond.
I kept squirming this way and shifting that way but nothing helped. I needed to go and I needed to go soon. “Button, honey, I need to use the bathroom” I whispered. He looked at me and said “okay go ahead”. I looked around and we were in the middle of a field. “Button, honey, there isn’t a little girls room around here anywheres. Can we walk back up to ‘The Place’ so I can use the bathroom?” He sighed heavily rolled his eyes and said “Sweetie Pie, it’s like a 3 mile walk back to ‘The Place’. Just go over there behind them bushes.” I looked where he was pointing and said “you mean just out here in the, the Out HERE?” He just gave me a blank stare and said “yeup. I won’t peek. Just go over there. You don’t have to go number two do you? Cause I ain’t got nuthin for you to wipe with.” I swallowed hard and looked back at the little clump of bushes. “Nope I just need to pee. Do you think there are any snakes over there?” The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly and said “could be. I’ll go see.” So he walked behind the bushes and I heard his zipper then water running. “OH DEAR LORD” I thought “please don’t let me pee in my pants.” Then Button returned zipping up his pants and said “didn’t see no snakes. Well at least none that wasn’t attached to me.” It was my turn to roll my eyes.

I didn’t have a choice. I could wait no longer. I scurried behind the bush. I unzipped my pants and I struggled to get those too tight jeans down over my hips and down past my knees. A little tidbit of information for you men out there you are able to just whip it and and squirt. We women have to squat and make sure that when we squat we neither fill up our shoes nor pee on our pants. It is a delicate balancing act. Honestly it should be an Olympic sport except the Chinese would lie and say that thier 8 year old contestant is really 48 and the U.S. would take 2nd place. We all know how limber those 8 year olds can be. So I found a bit of even ground and copped a squat. Relief sweet relief. I emptied my bladder and as I did I noticed there was a swarm of gnat like bugs all around me. Now in the south we have these little bugs called chiggers. They are called chiggers or redbugs. They are nasty little creatures who burrow under your skin causing a mosquito bite type bump that itches and stings.
It itches so bad it will drive you insane. I mean scratch a hole in your arm insane. The first time I ever saw a meth head I thought it was just a kid who had gotten into chiggers.
I finished my business and wrestled my tight jeans back up over my hips and fastened them. Then went to sit and wait for the dove to come to the tank. It must not have been a good day for dove because we saw very few. We began our trek back to the truck.
Now I was a bit uncomfortable in my girly parts. I figured there was something in my underwear from where I copped a squat and was ecstatic when we arrived back at ‘the place’. Now it was just an old farm house that was kept as a hunting camp but it had a working restroom and that was enough for me. I ran into the restroom and checked out my clothing. No grass burs and no stinging nettle everything seemed okay. I splashed a little cold water on my bits and went back out to the truck.

Button dropped me off at my apartment and we made a plan to eat lunch together the next day. I went and took a shower. I began to itch in my nether regions. Then I started noticing welts, big red welts. My roommate came home and I told her about them. She called our neighbor who was a nurse. Nurse Betty came over and I told her about these mystery bumps. She said “well that sounds like one of them sexually transmitted diseases. You need to see your female doctor stat.” That is nurse talk for right now. “But, Betty, I’m a virgin! How would I have gotten it? I mean I haven’t done nothing.” Nurse Betty gave me that look of disbelief and said “Well I don’t know but that is what that sounds like. We learned all about it in our public health rotation.” It being a weekend I knew my doctor was not working and it would have to wait until Monday. I spent my Saturday night in burning itching pain. I agonized over whether or not something had happened to me without my knowledge. Maybe I had been abducted by a UFO and one of those spacemen had, had his way with me and then erased my memory. Maybe I had some rare disease and it was eating me alive from the inside out. Maybe an errant meteor had plummeted to earth while I was asleep with my mouth open and I swallowed it whole and it was burning me from the inside out. Whatever it was it was horrible.

Sunday morning, I called Button and told him not to come by and I went back to my misery. I just could not face him or anyone one else. I sat in cold baths, hot baths, baths full of vinegar, baths full of oatmeal and milk. I left out the raisins for fear they would just irritate it more. Finally it was Monday morning and I did not call my doctor. I instead went straight to his office and awaited his arrival. I insisted he had to see me first after all I was dying.

He listened to my symptoms and was completely perplexed. “Now Gladys” Dr. Kildare said “you can tell me if you are being sexually active. I can not tell your parents.” I looked at him disgusted that he didn’t understand I was DYING. “Doc, I am not doing nothing with nobody. I am a good girl. I just have this problem.” I pointed toward my girly parts and he shook his head. “Alright then, get undressed and I’ll take a look” he acquiesced. I did as I was told and laid my bare bits on the exam table. Dr. Kildare stuck his head under the sheet and I heard, “hum, oh! Good golly. Wow. Gosh I’ve never seen. Hey you know…” He slid his chair back slipped off his gloves and said “have you by any chance been, um, unclothed, um outside?” I laid there trying to piece together what he was asking and then it hit me. “Well, I had to go pee really, really bad the other day and I did behind a bush out at my boyfriend’s ranch.” He rubbed his chin and then said “looks like you got a mess of chiggers in your nether regions. I’ll prescribe some salve you can put on them but honestly you just have to smother them little buggers to make em go away. Some clear nail polish has always worked pretty good for me although I don’t know how you’re going to apply it down there.”
That is how I ended up with cooter chiggers.


Girly Stuff said...

That sounds worse than an STD!

Jen said...

You're too funny!

Also, chiggers are horrible! I once had one on my upper thigh. I itched and itched, and it probably looked like I was a slutty ne'er-do-well (and, well, later on I would be...) and it ended up leaving a welt thing. It was icky. Ticks and chiggers are bad news, man!

Cassie said...

Oh that really is bad!

Kelley said...

Oh my! You poor thing! I had an aunt who got poison oak on her ladybits because she went tinkle in the woods and thought she had to maintain her femininity at all times and had to wipe instead of drip dry. Just one more reason why I don't venture much in to the great outdoors. Snakes, critters and itchy hoo-has just don't do it for me!

Queen Goob said...

Boudreaux’s Butt Paste® works like a charm!

Gotta love the South, huh?!?!?

LiLu said...

It sounds every bit as horrible as I imagined... but thanks for sharing, love! Your poor tush!

Happy TMIT :-)

shine said...

Not cool. I HATE chiggers, though I've never had them on my lady parts.

Peein' outside is dangerous business, though. A friend of mine accidentally wiped with poison ivy (she's really not playin' with a full deck, though).

I nearly got molested by a tree.

Anonymous said...

Whoopsie! A little innocent peeing sure makes for an uncomfortable situation.

Cher said...

No one has asked the obvious question. Who DID put the nail polish on those chiggers?

We sprinkle sulfur dust on our feet and legs when going into chigger country. I haven't had to put it on my arse before but there's always a first time, I guess.

The Texas Woman

Nancy said...

I have never laughed so hard in a long time! I mean, not about your chiggers, but your story telling is the best! You southern gals have a way with words! Thanks for the fun story. But really, I'm sorry about those chiggers.


Zandria said...

OMG! You poor thing! Chigger bites on your hoo-ha?! Wow...but what's worse is that the doctor actually recommended you put nail polish down there! I'd think that would cause a worse reaction than the chiggers!

Mother Hood said...

Your tan fat vs. white fat comment on Girly Stuff's blog was priceless! Thanks for the chuckle.

Beth said...

One of your best - and funniest - stories! I'm still smiling as I type (and was squirming on my chair as I read it...)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I am so glad that is not a problem Southern California beach girls have!

Anonymous said...

That picture is NOT a chigger. That is a "Red Velvet Mite". They are harmless. They feed on other mites, larva, and other small insects in forests. They are the size of about 1/2 a grain of rice. Chigers are smaller. Even so only the 6 legged larval form cause itching in humans.

Susan Maree Jeavons said...

I am so sorry for your situation, but I must say, your writing is awesome! You made me laugh more than I have laughed in a long time! For that,I thank you dear. And next time you're planning to go out in the wild blue yonder, take an empty coffee can and a roll of toilet paper. It will prevent horrors like chiggers! <3