Just the Facts Week Ending 4/27/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum. "The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."


The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-27-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

Wednesday 04-22-09

8:59 a.m. Someone in Bigfork is missing $20,000. Reportedly, their daughter has it.Then it’s not really missing is it?
10:10 a.m. $700 is missing from the animal shelter.
Maybe they lost it in a poker game.

11:06 a.m. A man said he had “interesting things” on his telephone that he wanted to show to a deputy. He left the detention center without doing so.
Ok now I’m curious. What kind of things? Did he have pictures of Bigfoot?

12:53 p.m. Someone was inside of a Porta Potty long enough to spray-paint a picture on one of the walls.Wasn’t that nice? I mean I have priced murals and I really can’t afford one but they got one for free. 2:53 p.m. Skateboarders were skateboarding.
Shame on them I mean skateboarding how dare they.
3:05 p.m. Two blue heelers were in a yard, within a fence.
And?
I’m sorry everytime I see one of these dogs all I can think is “The Dingo Stole My BAHHBEEEEE.”

5:39 p.m. Kids were playing basketball on East Reserve.
Again how dare those kids play basketball? Honestly when did kids playing become illegal.

6:03 p.m. Someone stole something from a farm store. They fled in a green truck.
Uh, Oh. Kahuna you have some splainin to do…

8:46 p.m. Loud music was vibrating someone’s home on Bernard Road in Kalispell.
Hey they were just Rockin the House
10:06 p.m. There was a “mutual combat” in Kalispell.
Is that a new video game? See I just don’t know about these new fangled things.
10:31 p.m. There was a lot of screaming, and, reportedly, a “lowlife” was abusing a woman.
Well was he? I mean if the prison shoes fit…
11:40 p.m. An inmate made it into the “soft cell.” First, though, he was Tasered
I bet that calmed him down and made him pee his pants. I wonder if it was the lowlife wife beater?

Friday 04-24-09

11:18 a.m. A furniture company is losing its garbage in a neighbor’s yard.
Again is it lost if it’s in the neighbor’s yard?
11:26 a.m. Gas was taken from a company vehicle. It’s not known where this happened.
Then how is it known that it happened?
11:41 a.m. A mother separated two boys who were getting after it.
Um I hope that means they were fighting.
12:15 p.m. Someone was worried about some squatters and their sewage. It turns out all the waste was accounted for, and in its proper place.
I don’t think I want to know how they found it was accounted for.
12:24 p.m. An elderly gentleman in Lakeside was very confused.
Hey I totally can identify with him. I’m confused too.
3:06 p.m. A man was quite despondent, but OK.
Was he despondent as in Heathcliff walking the moors? Or was he just I am going to go sit on a bridge and contemplate suicide?
3:15 p.m. An inmate was peeling the paint off the wall of their cell.
Um, maybe the jail needs to repaint. I think they have a bunch of laborers just sitting around.
3:34 p.m. Kids were jumping off of a train trestle.
Into what? The river? Wasn’t that a song? This isn’t suppose to happen until the 3rd of June.
4:36 p.m. A stump was ablaze.
Is that anything like the burning bush? The blazing stump?

5:20 p.m. Someone recognized some rings they saw at a pawnshop.
If you recognize them do you get to keep them? Because I think I recognized a 4 karat blue diamond ring.

10:31 p.m. A man said he found a bullet on his staircase. He believes it was put there intentionally as a threat.
What’s next a horse head in his bed?

10:56 p.m. Someone was getting calls from a drunkard, who stated, “I want to fight you.” The reporting party did not know who the man was.
Maybe it was the same guy who left the bullet. I'm glad he's not contemplating the horse head thing.

Monday 04-27-09
10:14 a.m. A man was sitting in his car, and not getting out. Turns out he was a Census worker. Those Census worker’s are a dangerous bunch.
3:53 p.m. Someone stole some sunglasses.
From where? Was the person wearing them when they were stolen? I accuse people all the time of stealing my glasses then I realize that I’m wearing them on top of my head.

4:28 p.m. A basset hound trying to bite people in the parking lot of the Sheriff’s Department proved to be quite elusive. It could not be caught.
Those dang elusive basset hounds.

5:18 p.m. A man said his in-laws are harassing him.
And this is news? I thought that was the job of the in-laws.
8:13 p.m. Someone in the Bigfork area said there was an aggressive black bear in his backyard. The bear was eating seeds, and, reportedly was advancing onto the man’s porch. He shot the bear in the rear with a pellet gun.
He shot the bear with a pellet gun? What was he begging to be mauled? Was he trying to really piss off the aggressive bear?
Was this event preceded by the statement “Hey Watch This” as he hands his beer to his friend?

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

FRIDAY: "Your PRR puts you in the top ten percent of the Department. Now to me that indicates a trained, capable, disciplined police officer. Not a back-alley brawler! "You were riding with a young partner. What kind of example do you think you set for him?