Just the Facts Week Ending 4/13/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-13-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 04-07-09

10:11 a.m. Four men came to town thinking they had a place to sleep, but when the homeowner, who is going through a divorce arrived, that wasn’t the case. They got the boot.
Sounds like they are all looking for a place to stay.

3:23 p.m. A call about an injured owl was handled by the “bird lady.”
What? There is a bird lady here? Where? Who?

4:06 p.m. A woman wanted her son to vacate her car. He did with the help of law enforcement.
Nothing says motherly love like calling the police on your kids.


10:08 p.m. Someone tried to use snow to put out a truck fire. It didn’t work.
Snow? Not um, urine? He’s not a real man.

Wednesday 04-08-09

7:34 a.m. Something was found near the community college. There is no description as to what it was.
Bigfoot Baby. Man Momma Bigfoot is going to be pissed.



8:38 a.m. A man in Bigfork, who was loitering near a bakery, apparently looked like someone who robbed another bakery in Kalispell. It wasn’t him.
First of all who robs a bakery?
Robber: Give me all your hot cross buns
Bakery Employee: We only have 5 would you like to add some scones to that order and make it a dozen?


3:38 p.m. Somewhere between New York and Nebraska a person went missing. They were traveling with someone who had a warrant out for their arrest.
Hum…sounds like the one armed man is out there and they are blaming Richard Kimble. Run Dr. Kimble Run!


6:45 p.m. An intoxicated man, who fell and lacerated his head near Big Mountain, refused to be transported to the hospital. Not long after, the same man, who was extremely drunk, was given a ride to jail.
Well at least he will be getting some attention even if it’s not medical.


7:14 p.m. Reportedly, a driver's vehicle headed northbound on LaSalle didn't have a car door. The driver and their children, though, didn’t seem to mind.
Why do I keep seeing the VW bus from Little Miss Sunshine?


8:38 p.m. Someone saw five sets of legs dangling over a train trestle.
Wonder what happened to the bodies they were attached to?


9:18 p.m. Authorities could not find a blue Ford Bronco that was on fire near the movie theater in Kalispell.
You would think if a vehicle was on fire it would be easy to spot.


10:19 p.m. A man took away his wife’s computer and locked her out of the bedroom. No report as to what she was doing with laptop.
I know what she was doing… She was blogging. Cut her some slack. It’s addictive.

Thursday 04-09-09

7:43 a.m. Someone on Klondyke Loop woke up with egg on their house.
Better on your house than on your face.


11:42 a.m. Someone’s boy found what he thought was a human bone on Bridge Street in Bigfork. The bone, however, was not human.
It was a cow bone the dogs left. Go

Friday 04-10-09

8:17 a.m. Unannounced visits by a woman to a motel room are bothering the people staying there.
Hey don’t be hating on a working girl.

10:15 a.m. A man and a woman are no longer welcome at an assisted living facility after they allegedly went on a religious diatribe against another man. The woman’s behavior was belligerent.

Now that’s real Christian like isn’t it?

11:52 p.m. Someone in Utah called the sheriff’s office about a 10-day-old assault.
Why? It was ten days ago and you are in Utah. What the heck people? Did you have to think about it? If your assaulted call the police if not then don’t. It is that simple.

1:41 p.m. Two children at a playground near a rest home,were reportedly dancing around. They also ran in front of a car. This reportedly happens often.How dare those children play in a playground!

3:31 p.m. A boy, who was driving a “toy Hummer,” was razzed by two older boys riding bikes on Primrose Lane.
I guess those older boys haven’t learned about little Arnie being the Terminator.

"I'll be bach"

3:53 p.m. Two dogs – one brown and fuzzy, the other black and tan – knocked a child off a bike and ran away with the kid’s helmet on First Street West in Martin City.

Hum a new game for dogs. Keep Away.

3:56 p.m. A Rhodes Draw man said his son pulled an unloaded gun on him as a threat.
Well you could always run over his bike.

4:55 p.m. Tools were taken by a man’s 49-year-old son on East Newlin Drive in Marion.
Were they taken at gun point?

7:53 p.m. A man was tossed in the “soft cell” for his own protection.
A soft cell? Did he get crayons to paint flowers on the wall?

11:21 p.m. Reportedly, a person saw a youth walking the top rail of a bridge on Montana Highway 82. The reporting party was concerned about the youth’s mental state. It turns out the kid was “just messing around.”

Those CRAZY kids!

11:32 p.m. A woman’s motion detector went off on Grizzly Way in Kalispell. She was worried it was her soon-to-be ex-husband.
Nope..it was Momma Bigfoot looking for her baby.

11:39 p.m. A man’s son on Harrison Boulevard in Kalispell threw a gun out the window of a car. At least he didn’t point it at him.

Monday 04-13-09

7:50 a.m. An address marker was uprooted on Turtle Mountain Road.
I told my husband using a turtle as an address marker wouldn't work. It might take it awhile but eventually it's going to go somewhere else.

7:07 p.m. A 14-year-old girl, who has her learner’s permit, refused to give the car keys and cell phone back to her mom.

I know I have said this before and I’m going to say it again. People PARENT YOUR CHILDREN. Then if they don’t do as you tell them…run over their bike.

10:09 p.m. A man in Columbia Falls said he had “100 pounds of nitro buried in his yard.” Both the reporting party and the suspect were gone when deputies arrived.
But what happened to the Nitro?

12:35 a.m. A woman said someone wiggled her doorknob six-to-seven times on Sleepy Hollow.
I guess the Hollow isn’t so sleepy is it?I think it was Momma Bigfoot looking for her baby. She was screaming “The Dingo Stole My BAAAHHHBEEEE!

This weeks Joe Friday Quote:

Sgt. Joe Friday: We could've piled up a hundred years of great policemen and great detectives: men with honor and brains and guts. You tore down every best part of them. The people who read it in the papers, they're gonna overlook the fact that WE got you; that we washed our own laundry and we cleared this thing up. They're gonna overlook all the good. They'll overlook every last good cop in the country. But they'll remember YOU. Because you're a bad cop.
Sgt. Joe Friday: All we know are the facts, ma'am.