Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 4/06/2009


12:20 a.m. Officers busted an underage drinking party on Meadow Court. Two male juveniles were charged with MIPs.

What underaged kids drinking? Why I never! Okay I did but don’t tell Trooper Bob.

1:53 a.m. An intoxicated male was making a verbal disturbance in the beer department at a local grocery store. Officers asked the man to leave and he obliged.

I bet I know which party they came from

9:32 a.m. Someone saw a dog possibly kill a deer on Jellison Road and wanted the matter looked into.

The dog ate the deer because no one left a cow out on the sidewalk for him.

11:37 a.m. A 14-year-old male was caught shoplifting a set of fake handcuffs from Wal-Mart.

Hum…looks like he got a pair of real ones.

12 p.m. A 49-year-old man was arrested for domestic assault. He allegedly assaulted his grandmother.

Why? What the hell is wrong with people? I mean everyone wants to hug little old ladies. Heck even Michelle Obama was compelled to hug the queen.

10:36 p.m. A husband on Fifth Street reported that his wife beat him with a broomstick. The man said he didn’t want to press charges. He was taken to another residence for the night.

Better a Broomstick than an iron skillet…I’m just sayin…

11:40 p.m. Six to seven intoxicated males were causing a disturbance on Kelly Road. When officers arrived the men agreed to leave.

That must of have been some party.

3:20 a.m. Someone on Airport Road reported that a pack of 12-to-14 large wolves tried to attack him while he was sitting on his front porch. He said he was able to scare them away by firing a shot into the ground.

I wonder if he had been at the party on Kelly Road.


10:12 a.m. An ex-wife feared that her ex-husband was suicidal. Officers checked on him and he was fine.

Wishful thinking?

5:49 p.m. Three juvenile males “were pretty scared” after being caught for shoplifting at a local shopping center.

Good they need to be scared.

6:28 p.m. Someone on Highway 2 noticed a screen on their window had been tampered with. However, they didn’t find anything missing or any signs of entry.

Looks like Bigfoot is back.

8:42 p.m. A male on Second Avenue believes a neighbor boy tried to steal a beer from the “beer case box” he has on his front porch.

Now where exactly is that house with the beer box???

10:11 p.m. A 45-year-old male was transported to the hospital after too much drinking at a local restaurant/bar.

He must have found the beer box.

11:38 p.m. An employee working at a local hotel office saw a suspicious male standing outside the window. He was gone when officers arrived.

It was Bigfoot out and about again.

12:40 a.m. A 16-year-old male in Lakeside was upset that his girlfriend was sleeping on the couch. The two were separated for the night.

Um, Yeah. What is she doing at her boyfriend’s house? Why didn’t he drive her home? What is wrong with people????

11:32 a.m. A Flathead County resident called in because they thought their time would be better spent doing community service, instead of jail time.

Maybe they should have been doing community service instead of getting into trouble.

1:53 p.m. Contrary to reports, four dogs on Willow Glen Drive appeared to be in fine working order.

What does that mean? They were peeing on fire hydrants and pooping in my yard?

3:03 p.m. Someone in the Marion area said their identity was stolen. It isn’t known how.

Then how do they know it was stolen?

4:04 p.m. A 16-year-old girl said her knee “popped out.”

Popped out of what? Hey was she sleeping on her boyfriend’s couch?

6:02 p.m. While a repo man was loading a vehicle to be taken away, the previous owner attempted to drive it off the lift. Not only was the vehicle damaged in the process, but the man also managed to back it into his trailer home.

Wow this guy sounds like a real genius! I bet he wants to give it to the repo man now.


8:48 a.m. Cobbler Village Road neighbors said, “we can work it out.”

Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends….
I seen you round for such a long long time….
I remember when you used to drink my wine…(WAR)

9:56 a.m. Apparently the “we can work it out” statement was premature. One of the neighbors called back.

Julius you beat me to it!

1:21 p.m. A man says his ex-girlfriend, who has a restraining order against him, keeps driving by his house with her new beau.


2:54 p.m. Pea gravel is missing from the park and ride location in Somers at the intersection of US Highway 93 and Montana 82. It’s believed to be stolen.

Maybe it was just pea-ed away.

7:01 p.m. Someone thought they saw a two- or three-year-old child driving a car. They said it looked like the toddler was standing on a man’s lap.

The toddler probably drives better than most of the people I know.

9:02 p.m. A 24-year-old man took way too many pills. He went to the hospital.

What kind of pills? You know this is just like a man… if one is good then 40 is better.

9:27 p.m. A 22-year-old male may have had an alcohol-induced seizure.
Like I said…if one is good, 40 is better.


9:12 a.m. A man, who has a $20,000 warrant out for his arrest, was spotted near some train tracks.

I bet he isn’t near the train tracks anymore…I bet he was on the train out of here.

9:53 a.m. Someone was driving a vehicle that was ablaze on U.S. Highway 2. The driver eventually pulled off the road – it was too late to salvage the car, though.

I bet it was a Pinto. Remember them? The exploding car.

6:52 p.m. A turkey with an arrow sticking out of its body was spotted on Tamarack Lane in Columbia Falls.

That was no turkey…That was Steve Martin.

6:29 p.m. A man, who was wearing baggy blue jeans, a black shirt, and black hat, drove off in a green pinto.

Did anybody but me see the movie Folks with Tom Selek and Don Amiche? He keeps trying to help his elderly parents commit suicide and he fills the Pinto (the exploding car) up with gasoline and pours it all over everything and it still doesn’t blow up. That is all I could think of was this guy was driving away in an exploding car.

8:03 p.m. Someone saw a young man with black hair, who was wearing a hood, walking down 16th street in Columbia Falls.

I guess his Pinto finally blew up.

10:38 p.m. An elderly woman was kicked off the train in Whitefish after she smacked some other patrons. Her mental health was called into question.

She was probably tired of all those young whipersnappers mouthing off at her. Or Michelle Obama tried to hug her.

3:11 a.m. A Dell computer was stolen from a man who says he knows who and where it is.

Then is it really stolen or just borrowed?
Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
Det. Joe Friday: Next time you want to make the news, step in front of a bus


365 Letters said...

Those are great! Love your commentary. I live in small-town Texas...our police report once included the entry of "People were reported selling books."

We need some bail-out money to help deal with our illegal book problem down here. The book-users are just out of control!

Bob said...

I assume the husband-beating woman fled from the scene of the crime with the broomstick ... and was last seen silhouetted against the full moon.