Just the Facts Week Ending 4/20/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-20-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 04-14-09
7:41 a.m. A German Shepherd was sitting on someone’s porch on North Riding in Kalispell. It appeared that she was lost.
Evidently she wasn’t too lost she found a porch to sit on. Maybe she didn't speak English and couldn't read the road signs to find her way home.

12:16 p.m. A woman’s ex-husband wasn’t welcome at her home. He left.
Hence the EX in EX-husband

12:17 p.m. A 15-year-old boy was acting like a rascal.
Which rascal? Spanky? Alfalfa? Buckwheat? Personally my favorite was always Stymie

Mr. Welling: "If you were my kids, I'd punish you."

Stymie: "If we were YOUR kids, we'd punish ourselves!"

.1:01 p.m. There was a fire drill at a veteran’s home.
I would have thought they were used to drilling I mean since they are military.

3:12 p.m. A person called from England about a problem they had with a cat.
What? As in Jolly Old? As in hands across the water? As in on another continent? Don’t they have people who can help with cats in England?

3:15 p.m. A man who is in the process of leaving town said he threw a gun away by accident. He said he thinks it is in a box at the dump.
Sure it was an accident. I’m telling you there are all kinds of oddities at that dump.

8:33 p.m. A sister and brother, who couldn’t get along, were separated for the evening.
Mom! He’s touching me. Tell him to stop touching me.

8:44 p.m. The front door of home on Turtle Mountain Road that has been empty for several months was wide open.

Sounds like Bigfoot found him a cozy cabin.

10:07 p.m. A woman called from Washington to tell authorities her sister was being assaulted. Deputies responded, but no one wanted to file any charges
Wow I wish my sister had that kind of ESP. She could tell me where I lost my keys.

Wednesday 04-15-09

10:12 a.m. A wench was stolen on Prairie View Road.
Was she stolen by a pirate?

10:23 a.m. A 25-year-old man’s mother was worried about him because she hadn’t seen him since April 9. Much to her dismay, the woman found her son in the Lake County Jail on drunken driving charges.
I bet when his mom gets ahold of him he wishes he could just stay in jail.

2:18 p.m. A man said he is worried about a renter of his who recently got out of the slammer. Reportedly, the renter is stealing from his father, driving without a license and doing drugs.
Sounds like an upstanding citizen. I know I would rent to him.

5:16 p.m. Youths were shooting a shotgun in Columbia Falls near a fishing access.
Were they shooting fish in a barrel? I have always heard that expression but I’ve never seen anyone do it. It seems to me it would cause the barrel to drain and you would be able to gather the fish anyway. Come to think of it if they are in a barrel why do you need to shoot them?

5:37 p.m. A storage unit was broken into. Stuff was missing. There is no description.
Of the stuff or of who stole it. If you can’t identify your own stuff then you have too much stuff and maybe who ever stole it really did you a favor.

5:40 p.m. Two pit bulls reportedly chased a jogger on Demersville Road.
What Julius isn’t telling us that before the dogs started their chasing the jogger was just a stroller.

5:43 p.m. Dogs on Trumble Creek, according to a caller, bark at night.
The Eagle Lands at Dawn. Oh wait we aren’t speaking in code?

5:52 p.m. A mother, who was worried about her heartbroken daughter, was relieved to find out she was shopping, not moping.
What was she going to commit suicide via Mastercard?

6:13 p.m. Someone in a white Chevy may have flashed a gun at another driver. They definitely flashed “the bird.”
Good shot. You got that Turkey didn’t you?

6:39 p.m. Reportedly, a deer was stuck on some ice.
Deer on ice? Then shouldn’t it be called venison?

6:40 p.m. Two poodles were at a wildlife refuge. They were domesticated.
I’m glad they were domesticated because I have heard that those Wild Poodles are pretty dangerous. Especially the pink ones.

8:26 p.m. Neighbors on Spotted Bear Road were gesturing to each other.
Maybe they were deaf and speaking sign language.

Thursday 04-16-09
7:24 a.m. A vehicle on Sherman Lane was repossessed.

Now see I don’t understand this whole repossession thing. Does that mean that it was infected with evil spirits they left and now they are back?

9:05 a.m. A man’s ex stole his refrigerator.
He really wasn’t too upset about the refrigerator he was upset about the beer that was in it.
Him: That bitch! She stole my refrigerator. I want you to arrest her!
Officer: Can you tell me what kind it was.
Him: It was Miller Lite. I had two cases in that fridge.

10:02 a.m. Someone living in a trailer on Frontage Road in Columbia Falls is alleged to be beating puppies.
What to the food bowl? I want to know what he is beating them to?

4:08 p.m. A woman, who was born in 1977, was reportedly “playing in traffic.” She’s from Oregon.

Well that explains everything!

6:40 p.m. Someone heard a woman screaming. Her location is not known.
She is probably in one of those re-possessed cars.

7:52 p.m. An Evergreen business reported that a man in his 20s, who was likely intoxicated, entered their store, used the bathroom and left.
Where? Where did he use the bathroom in the middle of the store? On the frozen foods?

9:50 p.m. A young male, who took the train to Whitefish, had to wait for a ride for almost two hours.
If the train leaves point A at a certain time and the bus leaves point B at a certain time at what time will the boy realize that there is a pay phone to call a cab in the lobby?

10:02 p.m. A 14-year-old girl said her mom pulled her hair.
My mom used to pull my hair too. Her excuse was she was getting the tangles out of it.

11:15 p.m. An intoxicated man took a spill and was transported to the hospital. His injuries weren’t serious enough to stop him from rolling a cigarette before catching a ride.
Glad to see he has his priorities in order

Friday 04-17-09

6:04 a.m. An inmate was tossed in the “soft cell.”
They're coming to take me away, HA HAThey're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HATo the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the timeAnd I'll be happy to seeThose nice, young men In their clean, white coatsAnd they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

8:16 a.m. Parents were concerned about their son because he had gone for a walk and had not returned. The 49-year-old returned safely – 24 hours later.
Holy SMOKES! He is 49 years old maybe he went out and got laid or something.

10:16 a.m. Another refrigerator was stolen, this time from a model home.
The refrigerator bandit has struck again! Quick chain up your Sub-Zero’s.

11 a.m. Tenants of a home on Alpine Court in Whitefish promised to pay back rent – which they hadn't since September – with their tax return. But when the homeowner knocked on their door, three people from Utah were living in the house. The trio told the homeowner that they were the renters. Apparently, the tardy tenants subleased the home without the owner’s knowledge, failed to pay any of the monies owned and are the employers of the Utahns.

What a tangled web we weave...

6:14 p.m. Some longboarders bombed a hill in Lakeside near Club Trappers Creek. The caller was worried they were going to get smacked by a car.
Gnarly Dude! The waves were bitchin!

7 p.m. A man was reportedly walking and talking to himself in the Middle of Trumble Creek Road. He was gone before authorities arrived.
Was he talking to himself or his invisible friend?

8:08 p.m. Goats followed a car on Valley View Drive. They were returned to their owner.
The evil spirits in the reposssessed car told them to follow.

8:53 p.m. A deputy told a girl on Trumble Creek Road, who looked to be about 5 years old, not to stand by the road and act like she was flagging down cars.
Now you can’t even stand at the curb and wave at cars anymore. What fun is there in being a kid?

10:47 p.m. Someone saw a person on First Avenue East in Kalispell wearing a black shirt, black denim shorts and a “doo-rag” on their head. The “doo-rag” may have been red.
That sounds like everyone in Southern California. Maybe he got lost leaving L.A.

Monday 04-20-09

9:51 a.m. Two girls said a man asked them to help him find his dog. The girls, ages 3 and 5, refused. The man was in a gray truck.
Where is Chris Hanson when you need him?

10:22 a.m. A woman in East Evergreen said her ex is telling their children lies.
I bet he told them that Mommy is the refrigerator bandit.

1 p.m. A woman said she thought someone tried to gain access to her home. The proof, according to the caller, is a lighter and a flashlight she found in her yard. Neither belonged to her. Wow I didn’t know Bigfoot smoked.

11:49 p.m. A man, who was at a bar in Coram, bought a four-wheeler that did not belong to the seller.
Ok let’s assess this.
Mistake # 1…A man, WHO WAS IN A BAR….
Mistake #2….See Mistake #1

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
Friday: Read it.

Drucker: Why should I read your notebook?

Friday: Just what's printed on the back. Read it. Drucker: I don't get it. Nelson: You heard the man, Drucker--read it!

Drucker (reading): "You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..." The rights. So what? You want to hear them backwards?