There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 10-6-2009
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurva (comments by Gladys)
9:26 a.m. A subject caught in an elevator on 2nd Avenue West called authorities for assistance. The man indicated that he couldn’t be in there for long because he had things to do.
Dude I don’t think you have a whole lot of say so in it.
9:09 p.m. An intoxicated woman attempted unsuccessfully to run out onto the highway near Moonlight Trail. The reporting party held her down until she calmed, and another female friend drove the woman home.
Wanda Sikes does a comedy bit about one drunk following another drunk driving home. All I can think of is Wanda Sikes saying "I'll Follow you home..."
Go here and listen to this: Wanda Sykes on Drinking
10:18 p.m. A drunk driver passed another car in a no passing zone in Creston.
Was it Wanda and her friend?
8:13 a.m. Ferndale fire officials became suspicious when they noticed a vehicle with open doors parked at the fire hall. The automobile turned out to be a department training vehicle.
Hey Frank that car looks suspicious.
Yeah Marvin I think we need to call the chief.
What did he say Frank? He said we should recognize it since it’s one of our training vehicles. Oh and he said we are fired.
1:17 p.m. Although he seemed suspicious at the time, an individual at a local church was merely attempting to recover from extreme intoxication.
Maybe he was waiting for the next service. I mean he was the pastor.
3:53 p.m. A member of a church on Two Mile Drive pulled into the church driveway and refused to leave.
Maybe he was waiting for a miracle or the pastor to sober up.
3:59 p.m. Someone noticed what appeared to be a human foot in a dumpster near an Evergreen supermarket. The remains turned out to be the remnants of a legal bear carcass.
Just exactly what are they putting in their ground round?
10:39 p.m. A black bear knocked over a bird feeder on Whalebone Drive.
Maybe he was looking for his foot.
2:43 p.m. A suspicious person on Sweetgrass Lane turned out to be a vacuum salesman.
Do they still sell vacuums door to door? Does the guy still come in and throw dirt on your floor then vacuum it up?
3:19 p.m. Someone on Haywire Gulch called to report that his wife had locked him out of the house and wouldn’t let him back in. The man decided to spend the night in his motor home.
Once again things are going haywire in Haywire Gulch.
6:26 p.m. A resident of Abbey Road informed authorities that kids continually party and burn fires in the area.
Was it George, Paul, John and Ringo?
3:33 a.m. The sounds of laughter and breaking items could be heard from beneath a local train trestle. The noise turned out to be from several transients under the bridge.
Those damn trolls are at it again.
9:22 a.m. Someone was concerned about a family in a blue van that had pulled to the side of Highway 35. Come to find out, the parents had stopped to lecture their children.
I guess you can’t even lecture your kids anymore. I bet it was one of the kids INSIDE the van who called 9-1-1.
3:50 a.m. A gas furnace made funny noises on Asher Avenue in Whitefish.
I guess it had gas.