Just The Facts Ma'am 10-12-09

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 10-12-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 10/6/2009

9:30 a.m. An elderly man suffering from mental issues was yelling, cursing and hitting on Harmony Road.
Once again doesn’t sound very harmonious on Harmony Road. I think someone needs to buy them a Coke.



10:16 a.m. Several dogs, including a golden retriever and a black specimen, ran wild on Gray Lane. One unfortunate pooch was struck by a car.

Just exactly what kind of dog is a specimen?
Wednesday 10/7/2009

1:47 p.m. One man threatened another over the phone in Columbia Falls.

How many times do I have to say this…HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!
There it's magic,  he stopped threatening you.
7:29 p.m. Someone spotted flames erupting from a chimney in Whitefish. Authorities arrived to find no fire in said chimney.
Did Trooper Bob build a fire in the fireplace again? If you don't know what I'm talking about read this:  Donner, Party of Four
7:29 p.m. One man assaulted another on Hodgson Road.
This seems to be an ongoing problem, but I guess it's better than a man assaulting himself.
9:06 p.m. A man stood outside a local convenience store screaming that he had assaulted someone, displaying what appeared to be blood on his hands. The individual was gone by the time authorities arrived.
See above
Thursday 10/8/2009

4:18 p.m. A single horse wandered unattended on Highway 209 before being sent home.
Maybe it was Mr. Ed just out for a stroll.

If you don't know who Mr Ed is GO HULU IT!

5:29 p.m. Seven horses ran amok on Foothill Road. The horses were rounded up and escorted home.
Um now that sounds like Mr. Ed is starting a gang.
7:07 p.m. Fifteen cows blocked Blacktail Road, posing a hazard to passing motorists.
Yep looks like those cow and horse gangs are back at it. Harassing motorist and causing hazards.  I also love how it wasn't 10 or 12 it was FIFTEEN. 
10:20 p.m. Someone spotted a mountain lion on Wishart Trail in Coram.
Wow how did they catch it in order to put spots on it?

Friday 10/9/2009

11:08 a.m. A resident of Lake Five road became irritated when someone tossed a lit cigarette in their yard.
First of all why Lake Five and not Lake Four? See I think someone is discriminating against Lake Five.

1:53 p.m. A woman on California Street sprayed a sparking electrical outlet with a fire extinguisher and was surprised when it began to smoke.
What was the woman on California smoking?

9:44 p.m. A small injured bull moose was dispatched and sent to the food bank.

Why? Was it hungry?

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
It's not much of a life, unless you don't mind missing a Dodger game because the hotshot phone rings. Unless you like working Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays, at a job that doesn't pay overtime. Oh, the pay's adequate-- if you count pennies you can put your kid through college, but you better plan on seeing Europe on your television set.