Sometimes Revenge Can Be Bile

Kahuna and I were watching Dr. Phil. Hey don’t judge. Anyway he had a bunch of little girls on his show, Dr. Phil not Kahuna, talking about bullies. American Girl, yeah the store with the really expensive clothing and dolls, is sponsoring a group of seminars for young girls who are victims of bullying. We also learned that October 4 through October 10 is National Bullying Awareness week. I of course totally commiserate with these young girls and was listening intently when Kahuna piped up and said “why is everybody so thinned skinned? Gee can’t you even tease anyone anymore?” This made me angry and I turned on him and said “well I guess you were never bullied? Then that would make you the bully, wouldn’t it?” Only it doesn’t because Kahuna totally isn’t a bully and even gave some kid with no shoes his shoes and then he got in trouble when he got home because he didn’t have any shoes. It did however lead me to another story. Oh stop rolling your eyes.


Gladys was found under a rock. No really she was go read this Found Under a Rock. If you don’t believe me then go ask Buck and Matilda, they will tell you the same story. When Gladys went off to school she found that she was much smaller than the other children in her class probably because she had been smushed under that rock for so long. She was picked on all through elementary school by her classmates for her size, her lack of weight and of course the fact that she had been a rock dweller. When she was in the fourth grade her family moved across town which put Gladys in a brand new school. Now remember this was way back in the olden days when kids were still allowed to walk to school and were often left up to their own devices once they arrived. There was no early morning program or after school program. You arrived at school and if you were early you hung out in the front of the school waiting for your teacher to let you in your room. This gave bullies time to well, bully. Since Gladys was the new kid on the block she was their number one target.

Oh but it didn’t stop there, oh no. They would tease her on the playground, knock her lunch tray from your hand in the cafeteria and then you always had that long walk home. All Gladys wanted to do was go home and get away from the bullies. Only home really wasn’t any better. She would arrive home to resounding choruses of “you’re so ugly” and “hey Bugs Bunny”. There was also the infamous Buck Waterboarding and Matilda’s constant flipping of Gladys’ Dumbo Ears. The bullying was in Gladys’ mind all around her. She would cry to Nurse Meme and whine to Trooper Bob who would try to help but mostly just told her to “ignore them”. Um, have you ever tried to ignore someone when they are flicking your Dumbo ears or drooling spit on you? Yeah I didn’t think so.

One day Gladys woke up with a rolling tummy and a headache. Nurse Meme felt of Gladys head looked down her throat and deemed Gladys well enough to attend school. Gladys begrudgingly got dressed gathered her books and her homework and headed to the torture chamber known as Lee Elementary. She didn’t feel well; nope she didn’t feel well at all. Every time she thought of Percy Smalls she got sick to her stomach. You see Percy was the biggest bully in fourth grade. He pulled her hair during math, he made fun of her during English and he shoved her around on the playground. Gladys loathed Percy. He was hateful, hurtful and had a mean pinch. Now Gladys herself was quite the pincher. I mean she had honed this skill in retribution for the picking, prodding, flicking and drooling she had endured at her torturers hands. Yet Gladys would not, could not defend herself against this foe. He was just too daunting, too intimidating, too mean and well just too big a bully. Instead Gladys would just endure his interminable pestering, poking and badgering. She would suck it up and hold it in until her head would pound and her stomach would churn.

Gladys was delivered to school by Trooper Bob in the black and white patrol car. He wished her a good day and then he and Matilda sped out of sight on to her school. Gladys looked at the front doors of the school and they loomed large and slightly off skew. She drug her feet to her classroom and took her place at her desk, the one located directly in front of Percy. She put her book bag down and slid into her seat. That is when it started. Percy took his foot and began to shake Gladys’ chair. He would grab her chair and rock it back and forth with his foot. This would toss Gladys to the right then to the left and up and down. It was like being on rough seas in a row boat. Percy was not content with this so he began making elephant noises and acting like he was spitting in Gladys’ hair. She felt herself becoming more and more nauseous but kept her mouth shut and did what she had been told to do, ignore him. There was a knock on the classroom door and Mrs. Shaw went outside to speak with a visitor. Percy took this opportunity to turn on full-bully-mode. He got up from his desk and grabbed Gladys’ desk and began to violently toss it around. Gladys cried for him to stop. She begged for him to put her down. He laughed his maniacal laugh and began to toss her even rougher. It was all too much. Gladys opened her mouth to scream at him to stop only words did not come out. No, instead a stream projectile vomit erupted from her mouth and with accurate precision landed not only all over the front of Percy’s plaid button down shirt but also all over his hair and face. This of course started a chain reaction as vomit is wont to do. First it was Percy gagging and barfing then the rest of Mrs. Shaw’s class was fighting back the urge to purge.

Mrs. Shaw walked back into the room just in time to see twenty students in one stage or another of regurgitation. “OH, MY” she shouted as she began running from one student to another handing out tissues and those brown paper towels. Once she had windows opened and the class on the grassy median she asked “what brought this on?” to which Percy wiping his face and shirt cried “Gladys threw up on me on purpose.”

So how will you celebrate National Bully Awareness week? Were you the bully or were you bullied?