Monday, October 26, 2009

People in Brick Houses

Remember Norm Crosby the comedian who would use really big words but would use them wrong? He would say things like he drank decapitated coffee and he spoke from his diagram. Yeah that guy you remember he used to be on the Ed Sullivan show. What do you mean you don’t know who Ed Sullivan is or what I’m talking about? Did you just fall off the turnout truck?

I used to work with a guy who spoke like this and not on porpoise. He would mix his metaphors and confuse his allergies. He was forever keeping us in stitches without meaning to. This was years ago when I worked for a company that did environmental clean-up and honestly some of the employees were a fry short of a load of bricks.

First let me give you an idea of what the company I worked for actually did. They would go into chemical manufacturing plants and clean the holding tanks. One of the side products from dumping a bunch of chemicals into the “sludge” tank was hydrogen cyanide. Yes as in “Bond, here is your cyanide pill. Bite down on it and you will be dead in three seconds”. It was cyanide only it was in the form of a gas instead of a pill. Rod was just a good old boy, no I’m not starting the next segment in The Dukes of Hazard but he could have been Boss Hogg. Rod was not the sharpest tack in the Happy Meal and would often use malaprops unwittingly.

One night Rod was on evening shift decked out in his Nomex fire retardant coveralls with his respirator pushed to the top of his head. Rod had a really bad habit of tasting things. If there was kitty litter sitting in a bag to be used to soak up spills he would reach in and take a taste if there were chemicals sitting out waiting to neutralize other chemicals he would reach in and take a taste. So you see Rod was always getting into things he shouldn’t. This particular night he was unusually subdued. His supervisor was keeping an eye on him wondering why he was being so quiet.

Rod finally lowered himself to sit on a drum of chemicals holding his head. Tom, the supervisor, walked over lifted his respirator and asked “Dude you ahright?” Rod looked up at Tom and said “no sah, I dink I has me one of dose cyanide headaches.” Tom sucked in air and grabbed Rod by the collar. He drug him to the job shack and threw him on the floor. Tom knew that he only had five seconds to administer the amyl nitrate in order to save his co-worker’s life. Tom had listened in the safety meetings. He had paid attention when the instructor spoke of the importance of time in situations such as these. Don’t ask how, don’t take time to wonder why just react and save a life. So he ripped Rod’s clothes off his body and doused him with water he also administered the amyl nitrate all the while Rod was screaming and cussing. Tom out weighed Rod and had adrenaline going for him so he was able to subdue Rod.

Rod screamed and hollered “whatchu doin? Leave me alone! Stop” but Tom was determined to save his friend. Tom sat on Rod and popped open the vile of amyl nitrate and shoved it under Rod’s nose. Tom yelled back “stop squirmin, I’m savin your damn life you idiot!” Rod squirmed some more and said “why you doin this to me? I have a haidache and you just made it worse.” Tom doused Rod again with the water from the Sprinkles Water jug and said “you have been exposed to cyanide gas. You said you had a cyanide headache. I am saving your life dumb-ass.” Rod’s eyes got really big and he said “I git dese haidaches all de time. When de pollen is bad I git dese haidaches bad. I just take me some allegory pills and den its all better.” Tom stopped dumping the 5 gallon jug of water on his co-worker and stood there in disbelief. He had almost killed his co-worker with the cure for cyanide exposure when all he had was a sinus headache.

So I guess the moral of my story is people in brick houses shouldn't throw glasses.  You can lead water to a horse but you can't make him buck. 

I also wanted to take this time to ask you all to think good thoughts of my sister from another mother, Chatty Cathy. I know you think I can talk, well let me tell you Chatty Cathy has me beat all to pieces.

 The only reason though is because when she was a teenager she had her very own red princess phone.  Do you know how bad I wanted my very own princess phone?  I had to use the one in the kitchen.  The one next to the sink where the garbage disposal was located.  The one that everyone in the house had to use.  The one that was stuck on the wall. 

She is having a heart catergarization next Monday. She is much too young to be having a rod stuck down her artilleries. So please think good thoughts for her today. We surely don’t want her to have any concenternations even though she had a red princess phone and I didn't. 

Hey I know about these things, I didn’t just fall off the turnpike truck last night. Now go on and don’t take any woolen nickels.

P.S.  Chatty I'm thinking good thoughts for you during your heart constipation.


Ed said...

Ha! You dew that kind of talc very well!

♥ Braja said...

I wanna red princess phone.....

Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

OMG, I work with a guy that does this...our copier correlates the papers as it's articulating. I think that's a really good ideal, don't you.

Saying a prayer for Chatty Cathy.

rachaelgking said...

That is adorable if someone knows they're doing it. Less so if they do not...

Kathy said...

I have a good friend who just would not be able to phantom what you're talking about!