Monday, January 19, 2009

Big Bertha Got V.D.

Do you think I might use my mouse pad a bit much?

Big Bertha, my H.P. 8000 17” laptop, got sick. Really sick. She must have been out floozy-ing around because she got a virus.

This is Big Bertha. She is 18 inches long and weighs 8.4 pounds.

It was a bad virus too. She was corrupted and not functioning properly. She was well let’s just say not herself. Now I’ve mentioned before that I have Big Bertha and then I have Mini Bennie. Mini Bennie is my little Acer Aspiro lap-top

This is Bennie he weighs 2.1 pounds and is 8.5 inches long.

that Kahuna bought me after I had to run through the Salt Lake City Airport with Big Bertha strapped to my back in a back pack and had some GINORMOUS man try to cram his 200 pound suitcase on top of my laptop. Click here and read about it.

This is Bennie sitting on top of Bertha. Gosh I hope she didn't infect him.

Anyway I have been writing on Bennie while Bertha has been ailing. Techman brought his Doctor’s bag and pulled out his stethoscope and his tongue depressors and found out what was causing Bertha’s regurgitation of a C++ runtime error and the fatal error message fever. He stripped Bertha down to the bare bones and then started rebuilding her just like they did the Bionic Woman. He announced that Bertha had V.D., virtual death, but he resuscitated her. Then he had to hop a plane and travel back to the land of Oz and Oprah. Only Bertha wasn’t Bertha. She didn’t have any programs on her and the version of Microsoft Office that he left me was ancient. It was from all the way back in 2002. I know I gasp too when I saw it. I ran after the plane yelling to TM saying “But Techman, what shall I do? Where shall I go?” Ok that was Scarlett and Rhett and not me but that’s how I felt. Anyway I went back home dejected and depressed but Techman had told me that it wasn’t too difficult to load.

Do you think they had enough room in the airplane for all this stuff?

Here is techman advising me.

So I cradled Bertha in my arms and sat her lovingly on the table to perform the uploadoscopy. I gently ejected her c.d. drive and inserted the disc. I carefully and gently pushed it back in as I held my breath hoping beyond hope this would make her right again. I heard her whir and then she wheezed. I sat patiently by her side while she ran through the files reading and absorbing all the knowledge she needed to read my scribble scrabble that I had saved on my external E-book. I was anxious as I heard the disc slow and then the upload wizard asks me if I was finished. How was I supposed to know? I mean I wasn’t the one with V.D. I wasn’t the one who had just been forced into amnesia and had all my memory dumped elsewhere. I was just the dummy pushing the buttons. Shouldn’t Bertha know if she were finished or not? So with great trepidation and the knowledge that Techman was on a plane 30,000 feet in the air and 1500 miles away from here I said “yes”.

Yeah Microsoft evidently wants you to switch to Vista because they laugh like hyenias when you tell them you have XP 2002.

Things seemed alright. Bertha seemed normal except she didn’t have all my secrets, my images, my blathering blitherings back in her brain yet. She still didn’t seem quite the same. She seemed to have aged. Her screen looked different. She looked as if she had a bad face lift and instead of making her a newer cleaner version she just looked antiquated. You see she had Windows XP 2003 before and Office 2003 now she had 2002 and well it just didn’t seem right. Aren’t you supposed to come out of an upload upgraded? Shouldn’t she have been sleeker and faster? Shouldn’t she have been at least the same? I lamented. I cried “WHY? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?” I wept “Was it looking at vintage shoes that did this to her? Was it the hours I researched antique cars? What did I do to cause this?” I got no answer. Bertha was too busy living in 2002. She was still in post 9-11 shock. She was too busy wondering who Tony Soprano was going to whack and which vampire butt Buffy was going to kick. She just wasn’t up to snuff. Why when someone isn’t feeling well do they say they ‘aren’t up to snuff’? I mean is snuff all that great? I think it’s pretty gross. Maybe that was Bertha’s problem, she had too much snuff.

Then I got another error message. What was this? Was Bertha having a relapse? Did TM not get all the V.D.? Was it the virus of which you are never rid? Bertha kept telling me that I had to authenticate my Windows. She told me this every time I opened her and several times while she was sitting thinking she would spit this message up on the screen. I don’t even want to tell you what she said when I tried to open some files that were in Outlook 2003. She was pissed. She was nasty. She was like a menopausal woman being asked for sex. No way, no how no siree, she was NOT going to even attempt to open up files that in her mind haven’t happened yet. Not compatible is what she said. I tried to authenticate her. I put in the number that was on the package. I typed in all 25 characters. I did it all in capital letters then when that didn’t work I tried lower case. I did it over and over again. I went on the Microsoft Website and read what to do and followed the instructions to the letter. Nothing seemed to work and that message kept screaming at me from the lower right hand corner of my screen. Then the message got BIGGER and told me that I only had 27 more attempts to authenticate or they would terminate my program. “NO!” I screamed.

So I did the only I knew to do I called Bill Gates. Okay, not him personally but the number on Microsoft help page. It rang once then again and again then finally a recording came on the line and told me someone would be with me shortly. I waited listening to “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” singing along when I realized the music was gone and there was breathing on the other end. “Hello?” I started. “Headoh” I heard in retort. “Is this tech support?” I queried. “Eeyas” was the return. “With whom am I speaking?” I asked. “Dis is Humbedumbe, ow me I hep shu?” the voice said. “Uh?” I asked. Then there was silence. I tried again “I’m sorry we must have a bad connection. What did you say your name was?” Again the voice said only much slower “Dis is Humbedumbe, ow me I hep shu?” I’m at a loss. I have no idea what this persons name is or what they just asked me so I charge on speaking just as slowly “um, I had to dump everything off of my computer and I am trying to reinstall Windows. Only I keep getting an error message telling me my Key Code isn’t correct.” There was silence then a deep breath “Otay, I keen hep shu wid dat” the voice answered. The voice instructed me to go the ‘Activate Key Code’ screen. As I have told you before I do as I am instructed and go to the page. “Ok Humpteedumptee I’m at the ‘Activate Key Code’ page now what do I do?” I say. “No, no me ame id Humbedumbe. New tip id de noomber on de pikadge of de siftwere” the voice said. I sat there a moment trying to figure out what language this voice was speaking. I gave up and said “Did you tell me to type in the Key Code Number from the Microsoft package?” “Des shu tip in di noomber” the voice replied. I tipped, I mean typed in the number and nothing happened. I did this twice and told the voice as I did it. “I nid to sneed to shu to de Ki Cod doptment. Vil shu held peas?” Again the little part of my brain that thinks it has an aptitude for foreign language but really doesn’t tried to translate. Finally I gave up and just said “OK?” I mean either I just agreed to marry some Nigerian Prince who has millions of dollars in a Nigerian bank that he will share with me or I just said yes I’ll carry I bomb. Either way I got the idea that I was being sent to another department.

Suddenly the Righteous Brothers had Lost That Loving Feeling and I again was on hold singing along. “Headoh, dis is Bumbleydumbly, ow meh I hips shu?” The new voice said. “Um, hi I’m holding for tech support” I said with trepidation. “I kin hip shu” the voice assured me. So I charged on and spewed my story about dumping my computer and trying to reinstall Windows. “Wit is do de noombers beno de cold see?” the voice prompted me. “Do what?” I asked not having a clue what the voice had just asked. Silence then a deep breath. They must teach them that when they teach them tech support. If the dumb American can’t understand you breath really deep then speak v e r y s l o w l y. “De id noomber oondah de cold. Tip dem id de bexes” the voice repeated as if speaking to a four year old having a tantrum. “You want me to type the numbers under the Key Code into the boxes on the screen?” “Yed!” the voice exclaimed. Again I did as the voice told me and nothing happened. I typed them several more times to no avail. The voice then advised me “Shu nid to spick wid de otencaltion doptment. Vil shu hild peas?” Obviously when Bertha lost her memory I lost the ability to understand what people are saying. I know I called a number in the United States. It was a number located in Washington state. Either the people in Washington have a really funky accent or I am losing my cognitive ability to recognize the spoken word. So I do what we all do I said “Otay”. I mean if you start talking like them then maybe you can understand them.

“Tall and tan and young and lovely the girl from Ipanema goes walking…” played in my ear as I again sing along “and when she passes, each one she passes goes Ahh…” Just as I sing the ‘ahhh’ I hear “Headoh?” “Ahh, uh, Hello. I need some help re-installing Windows. I had to dump my programs because of a nasty virus and I can’t get the Key Code to work so I can authenticate my Windows program and I have talked to 3 other people and they can’t get it to work. Can you help me?” “Headoh. Hew mi E hip shu?” the new voice asked. WHAT? Didn’t you just hear the 5 minute run-on sentence I just rushed through? Has no one told you that I’m the dumb hick on the phone trying to figure out how to get my product key code to work? Come on people give me just a little bit of a break here. I am computer illiterate. I am a virtual imbecile. I took a deep breath and repeated my long run-on sentence. The voice took a really deep breath and said “Held peas.”

I waited expecting to hear another Burt Bacharach or Frank Sinatra tune when I realized all I heard was a dial tone. Bill Gates had hung up on me. I was crushed. I mean he seems like such a nice guy but he hung up on me. Okay it wasn’t Bill unless he has developed a strange accent; but still he is Mr. Microsoft. I fild didjected, I mean felt dejected. I was frustrated. I looked at Bertha and laid my hand on her humming heap of plastic and chips and said “don’t worry old girl. I will get you better as God is my witness I will find a way to put in your key code.” I went back to the Microsoft website and read and then I read some more. Then I did what we all do. I started pressing buttons. I clicked ‘NEXT’ and ‘NEXT’ and then it told me that my product code might be on the bottom of my computer. I gently turned Bertha over and got her product code. I inserted it in the box and all of a sudden it was as if I had given her a massive dose of Penicillin. She was better. She was beginning look like her old self. Then I stroked her and leaned over and whispered “Bertha, I’m going to buy you a present. I’m going to get you updated all the way to 2007.” I heard her sigh and a beautiful sunset picture appeared on her screen saver.

I picked up the phone and called my Visa card to make sure I had plenty of room to upgrade Bertha. A recording answered and told me to put in my credit card number. I did as I was told and then a voice came on the line and said “headoh? Hew mi E hip shu?”


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

The best part is at the very end when they ask "Id ther anyting else I can hep you wid?" All you want to do is scream "anything else?!" You didn't help me at all!

Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

Oh my gawd!!! Sister, I feel your pain. When will companies get the message and hore people that can actually speak angleesh, I mean English!

Girly Stuff said...

Been there and done all that. Except their name was.......David.

terri said...

I think you called Dell. This all sounds too familiar.

Anonymous said...

hahaha...i laughed out loud at work.

Queen Goob said...

Hot coffee hurts when you snork it out your nose.....just sayin'.

Gladys, Gladys, Gladys, did you call my office? Because half the people I work with speak like that. You know what I told one of them?

"Dude, you have GOT to speak English around me so that I can eavesdrop on the phone calls to your wife; it's only fair."

He does now....LOL

Thanks for stoppin’ by, I’m sure my mother will appreciate your words of love and support….if she ever sees that last post. If she does, I’ll be posting next from, oh I don’t know, hell maybe?

Jean Martha said...

too many words for me to read. Techman is hot.

Jen said...

Good one..
Glad Bertha is better.