Just the Facts Week ending 1-12-09

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 1-12-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 1/6

5:50 a.m. Three men were lurking around a gas station in Evergreen. They really wanted a ride.

They didn’t want a Klondike Bar? They didn’t want a pack of cigarettes? They wanted a ride. Is the Stop and Go a bus stop? Is it a taxi stand?

1:59 p.m. A train and a semi-truck collided at the intersection of Jellison Land and Jellison road. There were no injuries.

No injuries but I bet there was a lot of Jellison in everyones underpants.

2:17 p.m A person who bought goods in Kalipspell fled to Canada and canceled the check they wrote for the merchandise.

Instead of dodging the draft they were drafting the dodge? *disclaimer: if you do not remember the Vietnam war then you will not get this joke.

4:26 p.m. Occupants of a Toyota hatchback were throwing large fireworks from the vehicle as it traveled down Big Mountain Road. The explosives looked like m-80’s.

First thank goodness it was a hatchback. I mean do you know how hard it is to ride in the trunk of the car and throw m-80’s out while traveling at a high rate of speed down a snowy mountain road? Yeah, well me neither that was just someone who looked like me.

Second how do they know they were m-80’s? How many times have they done this exact thing?

8:57 p.m. Things were thrown and threats were made, but in the end, a husband and wife made nice.

Hmmmm, sounds like make-up sex to me.

Wednesday 1/7

7:52 a.m. Two days ago, someone said they were struck by a red truck while waiting for the bus on Middle Road in Columbia Falls.

(click on This) See this seems to happen a lot up here, people getting hit by cars and not reporting it for a couple of days. I don’t get it. I mean a car hits me and EVERYONE in the United States would know with-in seconds. They would hear me wailing and lamenting and screaming and crying. Not to mention with my luck there would be 2000 Japenese Tourist with video cameras and the entire 2009 graduating class of Podunk Indiana with cell phones and camera’s who would then immediately rush out and create a You-tube video of some crazy woman screaming bloody murder.

1:47 p.m. Reportedly, someone who is owed $3,000 keeps receiving bunk checks from three different closed accounts.

I think I would have insisted on cash after the first bum check. I think I solved the crime I think this is the same guy who went to Canada.

4:50 p.m. An employee of a coffee shack in Whitefish was worried about a car parked near the stand. Apparently, there have been some break-ins recently. The cops checked out the car and found a woman who wasn’t willing to move. She was eating fast food.

Hey don’t get between me and my cheeseburger.

What do you think they stole from the coffee shack when they broke in? I would steal Maple Nut latte’s.

7:05 p.m. Eveyrone’s pupils at a Mountain View Drive home were dilated. They thought it was from carbon monoxide.

Homer did you order the pizza with the magic mushrooms again?

9:38 p.m. A man said he was “sucker punched” last week at 2 a.m. in front of the Martin City Fire Hall. Since then, he said, chewing has been difficult.

OK again if someone sucker punched me EVERYONE would know about it. What is it with these people? If someone hits you with a car, a fist, a two by four or a Yak call the police RIGHT then. Not two days later, not two weeks later not a year. The cops might catch the offender if you call them RIGHT NOW!

11:13 p.m. Two drunks showed up at a Truman Heights Road home in Kila. Reportedly, they were looking for “Wild Bill”, so they could go snowmobiling.

Yeah, that’s who I want to take me snowmobiling at midnight, Wild Bill.

1:30 a.m. A drunken man, who didn’t know who he was, was knocking on the front door of a house. Eventually, it was discovered that his name was “Richard”.

Yeah, if a drunk was knocking on my door at 1:30 A.M. I would call him a shorter name for Richard. So do you think he was looking for Wild Bill?

Thursday 1/8

11:50 a.m. Stolen: $500 worth of booze from a club on Big Mountain.

Something tells me they found Wild Bill. What do you want to bet there might be some more fireworks.


7:45 p.m. A man thought his wife took a bunch of pills. She didn’t. The ambulance came and she refused to go the hospital.

Ha! She fooled him. He tried to get her to swallow but she spit them out instead!

9:04 p.m. A woman hit a male pedestrian while driving on Montana Hwy 206. She took the man, who possibly had a broken arm, to a nearby gas station. Eventually, he was taken to the hospital.

Thank God they didn’t wait 6 months to report it.
I know if I were injured the first place I would want to go is a gas station. I mean they set broken arms, remove bullets etc. Right?

Friday 1/9

6:55 a.m. Someone had trouble with their heart.

Was it broken? Did it stop?

9:29 a.m. A truck that was in motion caught fire. The driver put it out.

Oh now I understand 6:55 a.m. they were a passenger in the truck.

3:11 p.m. A former employee of an Evergreen supermarket stole some nutritional bars.

Were they a former employee before or after they stole? Nutritional Bars? Why not wine or beer? Nope it was a healthy thief.

4:40 p.m. A woman went to the hospital after the pill she attempted to swallow only made it part of the way down.

What you don’t know how to drink water? I think it had to do with 7:45 p.m. Thursday.

6:37 p.m. A female was screaming. A man was yelling. Things were being thrown. A woman was being hit. All in east Evergreen.

See 7:45 p.m. Thursday and 4:40 p.m. Friday as well as 8:57 p.m. Tuesday. This couple needs counseling.

8:25 p.m. Someone’s husband was “freaking out”.

See above

Monday 1/12 (the criminals took the weekend off.)

12:00 a.m. Two men were in a gray extended cab Dodge Dakota. One pulled a gun on the other.

Was it the driver or the passenger? Because I have ridden with some drivers that I would like to shoot.

2:34 p.m. A cat came home with a BB gun wound. No one knows who the shooter was.

Oh! Oh! Mister Kotter I know (waving my hand Horshack style) It was some guy in a gray extended cab Dodge Dakota!*disclaimer: again if you do not remember the Vietnam war you will not get this joke. Go to You tube and watch Welcome Back Kotter.

8:36 p.m. Two girls weren’t allowed to hang out. One of them is a bad influence on the other.

PEOPLE! How many times do I have to tell you this? PARENT YOUR CHILDREN!

Quote from Sgt. Joe Friday: "Let me put it this way-- You'll never make mother of the year."