Thursday, January 22, 2009

Trooper Bob Answers the Tough Questions

Thank you all for your questions to Trooper Bob. He printed them out and then he put them under his pillow and slept on them. Then he put them in his back pocket and thought about them some more. Then he went out in his shop and built a few boot tables and a couple of bird houses and thought about them some more. Then he went in the house ate a bowl of venison chili and thought about them some more. Trooper Bob is a very introspective man.

Finally he had his answers. Ok really he remembered he stuck them in his back pocket and figured he better answer them or I would be nagging him to answer them. I would nag him like I used to when I was little. My little 6 year-old Gladys self would say “Daddy, do you know what time it is?” or “Daddy what is the difference between a girl flea and a boy flea?” And Daddy, can I have a Popsicle? Can I have a quarter to get a Popsicle? Can you drive me to the store to buy the Popsicle? Can you unwrap my Popsicle? Will you get the stain out of my white blouse from the Popsicle? Can I go to Kelly’s house? Can Kelly stay over? Can I go to the movies? Can I? Will you? Did you know? Why not? Why? Daddy was I really found under a rock? Daddy, am I really going to get hit by a meteor? You get the idea.

So he picked up his trusty cell phone and called me. “Gladys get your pencil and paper ready because I’m gonna answer those questions.”

So without further flubber from me here are the answers to the tough questions.

1. Terri asked
I want to know if Trooper Bob ever stopped someone for speeding and the offender used the old, "I have diarrhea and was trying to get home before I sh*t my pants" excuse.I have always wondered if that would get you out of a speeding ticket.

Trooper Bob Answers:

Well Terri, my answer is yes lots of times. Men used the “I got to shit” excuse and well most women used the “I just started my period excuse”. Now I gotta tell you I was always a little more leery of the period one than the about to crap my pants one. Then there was this one time back in the early nineteen and sixty-one when I was down south of San Antonio sitting off of Highway 281. It was a nice day and there wasn’t much traffic when out of nowhere came this Lincoln flying down the road like a bat out of hell. I pulled out and caught up with the car turned on my lights and siren (remember to say it SIGH REEN). The big car pulled over and I got out adjusted my hat grabbed my ticket book and approached the vehicle. About the time I got up even with the back door the front door flew open and a woman in a real nice outfit jumped out. She said “Officer, I have got to go to the bathroom really bad. Can’t you just let me go?” I assessed the situation and felt it was just a ploy to get out of a ticket and said “Well Ma’am if you needed to go so badly why you didn’t stop at that Texaco Station about a mile back?” The lady looked at me in disgust and said “Because those bathrooms are filthy. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one. Now you need to let me go because I really need to go to the bathroom.” I looked at the woman and decided to call her bluff. “Mrs. Astor if you need to go so bad then I suggest you go behind them bushes over there.” I pointed at the open field with a few sparse bushes on it just past the bar ditch and behind a three strand barbed wire fence. The woman looked at me and said “Well, I need to shit.” I said “Ok, leave me your license and I’ll write your ticket up for you while you go.” The woman grabbed her purse gave me her license and then tromped off into the field in her nice outfit and high heeled shoes. I wrote up her ticket and waited and sure enough in a few minutes she came traipsing back out of the field and stomped up to me. “I’m going to call your commanding officer!” she screamed “You made me shit my pants.” I gave her the ticket and said “Gosh, I’m awful sorry about that maybe next time you’ll stop at the Texaco.” She grabbed the ticket and was gone.

A few days later the Captain called me in his office and read me the letter she wrote. He asked if it was true and I said yes and told him the circumstances. He listened and said alright sounds like it was all legit. Then as I was turning to go he said “Hey Bob, you might want to keep this with you.” And tossed me a roll of toilet paper.

2. Blue Violet asked

I wonder if turning on the tears ever works or if it just ticks Trooper Bob off.

Trooper Bob Answers:

Violet what a pretty name. No crying didn’t tick me off. I kinda took it on a case by case basis. I mean some people were in serious distress for one reason or another. Like someone who just lost their spouse or family member or broke up with their boyfriend. Now if I thought they were just turnin on the tears to get out of a ticket I wouldn’t let them get by with it. If they were mentally and emotionally distressed I would cut em some slack.

3. LaGirl at asked:

Does he hand out more tickets on days that he's had a quarrel with the wife? Does he have a quota to meet for the day/week/month, etc.

Trooper Bob Answers:

La if I handed out more tickets when I quarreled with my wife I would have burned through ticket books. So the answer is no. You got to just leave all that behind when you go on duty. You put it on hold and take it up at a later date.

We didn’t have quotas not on the Texas Highway Patrol. We were trusted to do our jobs and use out discretion. They didn’t require us to have a certain number of tickets or revenue. That being said we also didn’t have a bent to give anybody a ticket. We would rather you not get a ticket and if you showed an honest misunderstanding. Heck I don't like getting them myself.

4. Girly Stuff at asked:

Did you ever have a close call? What did that feel like?

Trooper Bob Answers:

Girly I have had many close calls. Some more impacting than others. The one that stands out in my mind was one night when I had a drunk driver pulled over on the side of the interstate about 2:00 one morning. I had approached the car on the driver’s side and was talking to the driver. Another drunk driver came along and must have been drawn to the flashing lights on my car like a moth to flame because he grazed the patrol car and then caught me between his car and the car I had pulled over. It drug me along the stopped car and literally peeled my gun and gun belt off of me then took the review mirror off the side of the car. It took me a while to recover from that one and I had to use the roll of toilet paper the captain gave me.
Disclaimer: I have never heard this story and now am even more grateful that I still have my daddy.

5. Renovation Therapy asked:

Trooper Bob - What's the grace speed in a 65mph area? Say, if the driver's doing 72, do you let them pass on and only race after the 75, 78, 80+ mph folks?

Trooper Bob Answers:

We don’t have a grace speed in Texas. That again is left up to the discretion of the officer. Is the speeding car driving recklessly or dangerously. What is the weather, the traffic the attitude of the driver? Now if you are in the right hand lane speeding along at 75 and the speed limit is 70 and a car passes you going 90 I’m going after the other guy just for the fun of it. But in Texas you can get a ticket for going 1 mile over the speed limit and with the new radar there really isn’t much you can do about fighting it.

6. Katherine Aucoin asked

What was the funniest traffic stop you ever had?

Trooper Bob Answers:

Well, Kat I have had too many to count but one that stands out in my mind is the night I stopped a man and his dog. You see this was again south of San Antonio, Texas and it was a hot night with no wind. I was out close to the Mitchell lakes. The Mitchell lakes were the open sewer sludge ponds or better known as the shit ponds. The smell out there would literally take your breath away it stunk so badly. So I pull this old boy over and he rolls down his window. In the back seat hanging over the front seat is a big old German Sheppard dog. The man rolls down his window and kinda sniffs and turns around and slaps the dog and says “Gawdamit Rex! I done told you to stop farting.” Well I just about fell out laughing. I said “Sir I don’t think that was your dog. I think you need to roll down your window and smell outside.” He did and then he wrinkled up his nose and turned a little green and said “What the hell is that smell?” I told him it was the sewer ponds and that it always smelled like that. Then he turned around loved on the big old dog and said “Oh gawsh Rex I’m sorry I hit you, but your farts smell just like that sewer pond.” Yeah I let him go with a warning.

And finally

Queen Goob at asked:

Questions for Trooper Bob:
1. What cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
2. Who is cooler - me or my brother?
3. Who will win Super Bowl XLIII?
4. Why should you never mention the number 288 in front of anyone?
Thanks Bob!

Trooper Bob Answers:

What the hell kind of question is that? Can not be seen, can not be felt, can not be heard and can not be smelt? Burgeous Heslep is that you? Are you messing with me?

2. Your brother is definitely cooler.

3. Who will win the Super Bowl? Well it sure as hell won’t be the Dallas Cowboys.

4. Why SHOULD you mention the number 288 in front of anyone? What should you do mention it behind them?

Thanks everybody for asking these questions and reading the stories Gladys has taken to writing down for me. You see I have a bazillion of them and the older I get the more afraid she is that they will just go away. So I’ll keep telling them as long as she keeps writing them. Y’all stay save now ya hear!
Hello everyone. It's Gladys. Now here is the deal you can ask Trooper Bob questions on any Trooper Bob post. I will compile them and ask him the tough questions and post them here when we get enough of them. So come on don't be shy cause he certainly isn't.


Queen Goob said...

I have been waiting all day for this! I knew your Trooper Bob wouldn't let another ole' Southerner down - PERFECT!

But for the brother is a dork and I am most DEFINITELY cooler than he is. And no, the Cryboys won't win the Super Bowl.

Have a great day,
Burgeous Heslep

Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

I had a great time reading Trooper Bob's answers. I liked the story about the poop ponds!

terri said...

That was fun! I had to read the answer to mine out loud to my hubby and we sat and had a good laugh about it.

Ed & Jeanne said...

Trooper Bob...can I get arrested for driving in reverse along the highway if I am not speeding?

Girly Stuff said...

Thanks for taking the time to answer all our silly questions!

I'm glad you still have your daddy too, Gladys!

My grandpa was a Lt. for the Houston Police Dept...a detective in homicide...he never shared stories with us...maybe they were too much for us to I'm glad you share yours!

Train Wreck said...

hahaha that was very entertaining! I my self have been pulled over several times, I didn't cry except once. Right after my divorce, and they were real tears. All of the officers were very nice. I was honest and admited if I was in the wrong. They seemed to appreciate this and I never got a ticket. They gave me a warning, and I did as I was told. I am sure they see it all!

Anonymous said...

Well, thanks for the answers, Trooper Bob!

Jean Martha said...

Thanks Trooper Bob!

Melanie said...

Damn Gladys, I'm glad I found you.How funny! I will definately be back with many questions.

blogismycopilot said...

question for the next Trooper Bob segment:

Every good Trooper has a great "Naked" story...what's Trooper Bob's favorite "Naked" story?