Just the Facts Week Ending 3/30/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3/30/2009

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Friday 03-20-09

3:31 a.m. An intoxicated male threw lighters on the floor at a local convenience store.

Were they lit?

7:56 a.m. Someone jumped the fence at a local business and drove a work truck around. It doesn’t appear that they took or damaged anything.

Maybe they needed to go to work. Or maybe it was Big Foot again only I didn’t know he could drive.

12:09 p.m. A dead calf was lying on the sidewalk on Commerce Street in Bigfork. A man had put it there for his dogs to eat. The animal warden advised the party to move the animal.

Every once in a while one of these comes along where there just isn’t anything to add.

12:17 p.m. Someone from Martin City called to report a phone scam.

They called to report a scam? How do we know the person calling to report the scam wasn’t scamming the fact that there was a scam?

5:17 p.m. A phone scam was reported on Michaels Slough Road in Columbia Falls.

It’s the scamming scammers scamming again.

8:11 p.m. There was a report of possible poaching on Hodgson Road.

Poached what? Poached eggs? Poached fish? I really like poached salmon with a little orange marmalade on top.

12:24 a.m. Authorities checked on an intoxicated male at a local motel.

How nice. I wonder if they brought him some water and something to eat. You know a greasy In and Out Burger is my hangover cure. I wonder if I got drunk if the “authorities” would bring me one.

Monday 03-23-09

9:17 a.m. Someone was receiving restricted phone calls on Shady Lane.

How would they receive them if they are restricted?

10:35 a.m. There was a report of someone writing a bad check at a local bar.

If they knew it was bad why did they take it?

11:20 a.m. There was a stray cow wandering around on McGregor Lane in Marion.

Thank goodness it was in Marion and not in Big Fork. They would just kill it and lay it on the sidewalk for the dogs to eat.

4:42 p.m. There was a report of a burnt Porta-Potty in Columbia Falls. The Columbia Falls Fire Department investigated.

Well that was a shitty thing to do.

6:20 p.m. Someone suffering from a mental illness was having problems on Terrace Road.

I’m no expert but if you are suffering from a mental illness doesn’t it go without saying you have problems? Isn’t that redundant?

7:15 p.m. A suspicious vehicle was parked at a storage center on Highway 40. The vehicle was gone when officers arrived.

Maybe Bigfoot stored it.

7:48 p.m. A resident on Highway 40 received two phone calls from the Flathead County Detention Center. They believed it could be a hoax because they don’t know anyone in jail. A sheriff’s official speculated that it could be that they don’t know that someone they know is in jail.

Dude, it’s Dave. I’m in jail Come get me.

No man Dave’s not here.

No it’s Dave, come get me.

Man Dave’s not here.

NO, I’m DAVE, come get me.

Dude, DAVES NOT HERE.

8:58 p.m. There was a report of suspicious activity on Highway 35. Somene thought they saw someone in a black ski mask. Officers couldn’t find anyone that matched that description.

Who could it be? Big Foot? (said in my Dana Carvy Church Lady voice.)


Tuesday 03-24-09

1:48 p.m. Someone at a local bar thought that their vehicle had been stolen. It was in fact towed away by the Columbia Falls Police Department, not stolen.

Well it was stolen just legally.

4:47 p.m. A female was reported as missing on Piney Dell Trail. She had been out riding her horse and got home late. The call was canceled when she returned.

She was riding Wildfire….On Wildfire we're gonna ride. Gonna leave sodbustin' behind, Get these hard times right on out of our minds, Riding Wildfire..

5:49 p.m. There was a rockslide that covered both lanes of the road a few miles east of West Glacier.

It was the Rockmonster and Bigfoot having a rock fight. Not to be confused with the Hill Monster. That is something entirely different

9:41 p.m. People were yelling at each other on Bills Road in Lakeside. It turns out they were just goofing around.

Sure they were. That's what we always told my mom when me and my sister faught. "Mom! We were just joking! No really I put Gladys in the trash can but I was just joking!"

Wednesday 03-25-09

12:51 p.m. An 18-year-old pregnant woman was suffering from childbirth complications and was transported to the hospital.

The first complication is that she is 18 and pregnant. BIRTH CONTROL PEOPLE!

1:36 p.m. A 38-year-old male was caught shoplifting cold medicine at a local shopping center.
Give him a break; he had runny nose fever and an achy head. He didn’t know what he was doing.2:17 p.m. A man was missing from the Wilderness Treatment Center. He was located and returned to the facility.

I’m confused what do they do at the Wilderness Treatment Center? Do they give therapy to trees and rocks?

12:03 a.m. A female heard thumping outside of her trailer on Plentywood Drive and suspected a prowler. Officers were unable to locate a suspect.

Bigfoot again.

Thursday 03-26-09

9:15 a.m. A door was left open at a home near Echo Lake. It turns out the house was being painted and the painter was airing it out.

I guess he had huffed all the lacquer he could for the day.

2:44 p.m. Someone reported that their van had been vandalized. Upon inspection, an officer couldn’t determine whether the van had been vandalized or if a part had just fallen off.

That’s pretty bad when you can’t tell if your POS Van is just shedding pieces or if someone is taking them.

8:17 p.m. A couple on Highway 93 in Whitefish got into an argument when a man told a woman that he was in love with someone else.

Yeah that usually pisses people off. “Honey, I know we’ve been married 60 years and I just bought you a 14 karat diamond but I’m in love with my best friend Bill.” I don’t think that the wife is going to be very happy.

8:55 p.m. An intoxicated male was cursing and being belligerent toward a female on Harmony Road. She didn’t want to pursue charges she just wanted him checked on.

So they moved their “discussion” from Hwy 93 to Harmony Road. Hum, doesn’t sound very Harmonious to me.

10:14 p.m. A male was hiding behind a Bigfork casino. When officers shined their flashlights on him he ran into the woods. Officers were unable to locate the suspect.

That Bigfoot sure gets around.

1:45 a.m. An intoxicated man was rudely hitting on a woman at a local casino. Another patron there asked him if he wanted to take things outside. When the man obliged he was subsequently punched in the face. He doesn’t recall being rude and it is unclear if anyone will press charges.

Dude how drunk are you when you don’t recall hitting on someone?

Friday 03-27-09

10:16 a.m. Trespassing was reported at a local church. The issue was deemed a civil matter.

Doesn’t sound very civil to me if they called the police.

11:35 a.m. Someone on River Estates Drive wanted their neighbor questioned about unsafe shooting. Reportedly, the neighbor gets drunk and shoots his gun at night.

Maybe he’s shooting at Bigfoot.

Monday 03-30-09

9:48 a.m. Someone broke the tiles on the outside counter of a local coffee shack.

9:48 a.m. Someone punched holes into the walls of an empty trailer on South Cedar Drive.

That someone sure is destructive!

11:44 a.m. A 1977 Honda motorcycle was stolen from a residence on Lower Valley Drive.

Why?

1:28 p.m. A suspicious person was trying to break open a door at a store in Evergreen. The suspect was gone when officers arrived.

I am telling you it’s Bigfoot and he just wants something to eat and to watch a little T.V.

3:10 p.m. A husband and a wife got into a verbal argument at a local school parking lot.

Don't you know that makes little Johnny proud of his parents?

4:15 p.m. A paper box was stolen and a light was shot out a home on Lore Lake Road.

Ok I’m confused. Was it a box of paper or was it a box made out of paper?

4:24 p.m. Someone called to give a tip about possible embezzlement. Officers were unable to reach the tipster when they had follow up questions.

I’m thinking that the tipster and the embezzler may be in cahoots. OK I'll confess I only left this one in here so I could use the word cahoots.

6:22 p.m. A 17-year-old girl had been kicked out of her parent’s home in Kila. Her 22-year-old boyfriend broke a window on the home so she could retrieve some of her belongings. The parents returned home and reported the break-in.

Honey? How much do you love me?
Oh Baby I’d do anything for you.
Would you break into my parents house and get my Hello Kitty Halter Top and my pack of smokes?
Sure Baby. But what if I get caught?
I’ll wait for you honey.

8:38 p.m. A male suspect turned himself in on an outstanding drug warrant.

Hum must have been hungry and cold. He knew he could get 3 hots and a cot.

10:08 p.m. Two males got into a physical altercation at a Hungry Horse residence. Neither male lived there. One of them was dating the homeowner’s daughter. Sometime during the altercation two windows were broken, that is when a neighbor informed the homeowner’s of the disturbance. When the residents got home they got into an altercation in which another window was broken. The boyfriend and the other suspect were gone when officers arrived. An intoxicated witness of the altercation was transported with a leg injury. Officers believe alcohol contributed to the incident, but it is unknown which parties may have been drinking.

You think?

This weeks Joe Friday Quote:

Joe Friday: Prepare the virgin? I don't like the sound of that.

Pep Streebeck: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.

Dragnet 1954

A Bump In The Water

I have a confession to make. I love Mike Rowe and his Discovery Channel program Dirty Jobs. I will watch the same episode 500 million times because he makes me laugh and gag and well generally entertains me. The other evening the episode where Mr. Rowe goes to the Louisiana swamps to gather aligator eggs was aired. That episode reminded me of a story that I would like to share with you. Here is one of many adventures that occured when I lived on the bayou, enjoy.

Gladys woke up with a start. The rain was pounding down on the roof. She got up and looked out the window onto the wet lush green of the yard. The aroma of coffee was wafting through the house and she knew she was in trouble. You see when it rained it meant that it was another day spent in the house and there and been too many of them this week. She took a deep breath put on her robe and headed towards the kitchen.

“Hi” she said as she made her way into the kitchen. Her teenage daughter stood there in her swimsuit top and her shorts gathering the makings of breakfast. She had a bowl of spaghetti and an apple. Gladys got her coffee and sat down at the table. “So it’s raining. What is plan B” she asked her daughter. “I don’t think this rain is supposed to last all day. I hope it doesn’t. I want to go exploring this afternoon” Tadpole answered while dipping the apple into the spaghetti sauce. Gladys looked at her daughter and thought that she would never understand the eating habits of 14 year old girls or for that matter 38 year old girls as she dipped her own apple slice in peanut butter.

They both sat and watched the rain out the kitchen window. They could see the jet skis on the dock just past the garden. This was South Texas, the rain may last all day or it might be gone in ten minutes. They finished breakfast and danced around the kitchen to Alanis Morrisette's pissed off tunes. Gladys grabbed a broom and began to sweep using it partly as a cleaning device but mostly as a microphone. Tadpole moved and sang as the music blared. They moved from the kitchen to the living room this time armed with duster and vacuum to the accompaniment of Bonnie Raitt. The music changed to a little Hootie and the Blowfish and they moved into scrubbing toilets and sinks. The morning flew by and by the time they had finished the sun was shining brightly and the temperatures were on the rise.

“Mama, can we go now” Tadpole asked impatiently. Gladys was putting the finishing touches on a marinade for the steaks she had set out for supper. “Did you take the clothes out of the dryer? Did you put another load in the washer” Gladys questioned as her answer. “Yes, ma’am. I even put the clothes up. Come on let’s go” exclaimed an exasperated Tadpole.
They grabbed their life-vest off the rack and took the jet-ski key. Gladys climbed on the jet-ski as Tadpole lowered the water craft . Once the lift was underwater and the ski was floating they pushed off and headed out. Gladys drove down the canal and out into the Bayou. They wound their way out through the different inlets and into the main stream. Gladys slowed in the no-wake zone next to the boat launch and took this opportunity to ask her passenger where she wanted to explore. “Out there past the inter-coastal, just past there” Tadpole exclaimed as she pointed out into the swamp.

Gladys kicked it up and the sped across the water. It was mother and daughter together on an exploration of the bayou surrounding their home. They sang as the skipped across waves and even braved a few tug boat wakes. They ventured on until they found a creek. They discussed the possibilities of what might be up this particular water way and decided to find out. It started out wide with plenty of room to maneuver. They saw turtles sunning themselves on logs and perch jumping at the sunlight or maybe tiny flies. Then the banks started closing in and it became narrow and harder to navigate. The two looked up ahead and saw it getting no bigger or better. They turned oh so carefully hoping not to lean too far to one side or the other. You see jet-skis are not the most stable water craft and will tip over and dump you off with just the smallest of movements. They slowly turned but didn’t anticipate the swiftness that the tail of the ski would come around and they both ended up in the shallow water. It’s human nature to put your feet down which the two of them being humans by nature did. Only their feet did not meet with solid ground or even a rocky bottom. Their feet sunk instead into slimy muck. Tadpole screamed and started flailing around chanting “gross, gross, gross!” Gladys pulled her feet up and grabbed the ski chanting “shit, shit, shit.” They boarded the craft and looked at the icky mess on their feet and shook that icky shake that happens after coming into contact with well, ickiness.

They were shook up and ready to head back home to shower and get muck off. The pair agreed they had enough exploring for the day. Gladys sped the little ski up and headed out the same way she had come when the ski skipped and hopped. It felt as if she had hit a speed bump. The thought crossed her mind that she might have hit a log and turned to see Tadpoles eyes the size of salad plates. There was a frozen scream on her face and she was trying to say something but nothing was coming out. That is when Gladys saw the tail of a large alligator swirling in the water. She slowed the ski down just a bit to make sure she had just seen what she thought she had seen. She realized the log wasn’t a log after all but that big old alligator. Then it floated back to the top of the water eyes and snout visible. She turned to go and floating to the side of the ski was an upside down dead baby alligator. She choked back a scream told Tadpole to hold-on and pushed open the throttle. They sped up the creek and out into the Bayou. They skipped over the water as fast as they could go never looking back. They moved in tandem through the turns of the winding canal. Gladys pulled the ski onto the lift and Tadpole jumped off and winched the lift up as fast as she could.

They threw off their vests and ran as fast as they could through the garden and onto the porch. That is when they both let out a long held but much needed high pitch scream. That was pretty much the last of their expeditions, but it was not the last of their run-in’s with Mother Nature along the bayou.

The Mountain Woman's Diary 3-28

It has been a long cold winter. The sky has been grey more days than not and just when I think the snow has stopped and spring will return another storm blows in. The chill in the air has changed from a dry snow to a wet slushy mess. It becomes more and more difficult to venture out. I have holed up in my cabin with you my dear diary as my only friend. I have found myself relying on my memory to fill me with the warmth of summer and my imagination to remind me of warm tropical breezes.

I have been feeding Festus, the injured deer, regularly hoping he too will survive out the rest of winter. He has improved immensely over the last several months. His broken leg seems to have set itself although it’s a little askew and he seems not to miss his tail. He is still very skittish but will approach to feed if I keep my distance. He has brought with him many friends. They all seem to congregate around the homestead now looking for a hand-out.

The snow melts and they are able to find some grasses and acorns only for it to fall once again and cover their feeding grounds. They bed down in the snow and rest conserving their energy until once again they are able to uncover the scarce tidbits of fodder to keep them going until spring.

I must go now diary. I am out of supplies and I must trudge through the muck and the mire before the next heavy snow hits. I will keep in mind my forest friends and return with supplies to share.

They really like hearts of roman, apples and corn on the cob. I sure hope Costco hasn’t sold out.

Real Country Cooking

I am in the process of moving stuff from my old blog to this one. I have posted most of them in history close to when I originally wrote them. Then I came across this one and thought I would put it up this morning. Because it makes me smile everytime I think about it.

Hand to God! When I was in college I went to visit a room-mates grandmother who lived in the Piney Woods of Texas. Now Mamaw, my friend’s grandmother, lived in an old wood cabin way back in the woods. Yes Texas has woods and they are thick and dark. We drove up the long winding road to a little opening in the woods. Then we drove up and another dirt road cut through the pines until we got to a little opening. In the opening of the trees stood Mamaw’s house. She lived in a little house made of raw cut wood with a little smoke stack that popped up out of the top like a weird rusted metal growth. There were chickens in the yard pecking at the moss and dirt and a couple of old dogs sleeping on the porch that barely raised their heads when we parked.

We go into this little house were Mamaw lived and there was this wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen. I was starving and being handy in the kitchen offered to help. Mamaw said "Chil, steer the soup fer me" which I did and asked if I could taste it. She handed me a spoon the size of a snow shovel and I sipped the broth. Oh it was delicious. My mouth was watering as I put the corn bread in the oven for her. When I "steered the soup again” I noticed something kind of ivory colored floating. Thinking it was a potato I scooped it up to test it's done-ness only it wasn't a potato it was a little head. I almost fell over and died. I must have turned ghost white and then green because Mamaw started laughing and asked me "Whatza madder? You nevah had no squirrel's head soup afore?"

Now being mostly a city kid I had never had squirrel anything. Heck the most exotic thing I had ever eaten was quail. I mean my daddy was a hunter, still is, but he never brought home squirrel or rabbit. My sister wouldn't even eat lamb because it was too "wild" tasting for her. The thought of those little squirrels in the soup really had me in a tither. I was torn between my good breeding and the fact I wanted to scream everytime one of those little skulls would float to the top.

Mamaw was really a wonderful cook and a sweet woman who sat a wonderful table. The corn bread was done and we mixed up a salad using some fresh radishes mixed with some greens that my friend later told me was polk salad (Yes like in the song). We sat down at the old rickety table underneath the canopy of pine and cottonwood trees. Mamaw said Grace and thanked the good Lord for the bountiful supply of squirrels, rabbits and the fresh vegetables that were ripe for the pickin said her amens and started serving. I was determined that this sweet woman had made this soup with love and lots of hard work and I was going to be polite and at least act like I was eating it, besides I love cornbread and can make a meal on just that. We all had our blue splatter enamel ware bowls full to the brim; luckily mine didn’t have a head in it. Then Mamaw scoops one of those little squirrel skulls out of the soup bowl and picks it up puts the snout to her mouth and sucks the brains out. My good raising and manners went right out the window. I was done. My appetite was gone. I did however enjoy some really good homemade wine and some lively conversation from Mamaw.

Waxing Sentimental

Once upon a time Gladys thought she would treat herself to a special spa treatment. You know one that is very intimate and personal. She called all the local spas and asked the women she knew who would be the best to perform this particular spa treatment. She made the appointment and having never done this before got instructions on what to wear and how to prepare. They gave her the appointed time and she put it on her calendar.

The day finally came and she dressed in her cutest velour jogging suit. Not that Gladys would ever jog. The fact of the matter is that Gladys wouldn’t run if a zombie was chasing her, but I digress. It was rainy and grey and she drove to the spa. She arrived ten minutes before her appointment. She filled out the questionnaire that inquired about skin sensitivities, allergies, who recommended this particular spa as well as if she had ever had this treatment before.
She was then lead to the changing room and given a robe. She stripped off clothes and folded them into a locker she donned the robe she walked to another waiting area until it was her turn. Gladys was very nervous as she had never had this done before. She wasn’t sure what to expect but everyone had told her that a bikini wax was really no big deal. She heard her name and stood to greet her esthetician, Hilda. They made the usual small talk as Hilda guided Gladys into the waxing room. She placed Gladys on the table and propped her legs into position. “Now tell me Vat Vould Du Like? Bikini? Bradzillian? “ Hilda inquired.

Gladys thought hard on what the difference of a bikini and a Brazilian were. She thought the Brazilian sounded less revealing than a Bikini wax so she blurted out “Brazilian”. (For those of you like Gladys a Brazilian Wax is where they torturously and heinously pull every single hair from your nether regions. Including the folds and furrows of the most intimate of womanly areas) Hilda started on the legs layering wax and then cloth. She would count eins, swei, drei then pull it off. Gladys bit her bottom lip as tears flooded her eyes. Hilda smirked and then pulled the robe back to reveal Gladys’ nether regions. “De vax vill be varm” she warned as she began to slather wax in places where wax hot or other wise shouldn’t be. Gladys closed her eyes and reminded her self this was all for beauty. Then Hilda pulled the first cloth from the most tenderest girly bits. Gladys screamed a blood curdling scream and cried “What they heck are you doing?”

Hilda stopped mid-yank and said “I am giving du de Bradzilian”. Then continued to yank hair, skin and girly innards straight up out. Gladys sobbed “Please stop! I don’t understand why you have put wax in my butt crack. I don’t need a hemorroidectomy, honest.” Hilda chuckled and said “Vat is dis hermoidescomy?” She continued to yank and pull in a constant state of torture. She yanked and tugged until there was not a patch, a root or a strand of hair left.

Gladys lay on the table unable to move. The whole lower portion of her body was on fire. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks and she was trying desperately to catch her breath as she said “What did you just do to me?” Hilda washed her hands and turned to respond “Dat is a Bradzilian. Dat is for vat du asked.” Then she handed Gladys a mirror and said “you like? Yes?” Gladys could not bring herself to look at the havoc that had been wrought on her under-beings. She slowly and gingerly got up off the table and asked “what do I do now?” Hilda sniffed and said “go to das beach. You can now wear a tong.”

That is the day that Gladys learned not to trust you girly parts to anyone named Hilda. It is also the day she decided that wearing a full 1920’s style bathing suit might not be so bad.

I Shot The Trooper But I Did Not Shoot The Deputy

Trooper Bob was a trooper for my whole life up until I was in junior high school. I remember being taken or picked up from school in a patrol car for most of my school days. I was always terribly proud of my daddy and what he did and I still am. He is a man among men. He is pragmatic, audacious, brave and funny. I attribute my love for reading, big band era music and cooking as well as my sense of humor to him. I have a special bond with my daddy a bond that only nearly killing some one will get you. You see when I was nine years old I shot my Trooper Bob.

Trooper Bob had been a DPS officer for almost eighteen years, he had been in gun fights and knife fights. He had been in car chases and foot chases. He had stood firm during anti-war riots and civil rights marches. He had hauled in killers, rapist, thieves and vagrants and had never been shot. Well that is until the night his nine-year-old daughter shot him.

Trooper Bob had just gotten a new partner, a rookie. The rookie’s name was Gary and he was fresh out on the streets. Trooper Bob decided the kid needed a home cooked meal and that they needed to bond over some Monday night football. We all had dinner and then my sister retired to the back bedroom to make some really important high school boy/girl phone calls. Nurse Meme was at work and my brother, well who knew where he was. Trooper Bob and Rookie Gary watched the game and drank a couple of beers. Then Gary spotted Trooper Bob’s gun collection. He had a pretty cool gun collection with some antique pieces that he had acquired on the job and some he had inherited from his grandfather.

We as kids always knew there was no such thing as an unloaded gun even though Trooper Bob tried to make a point of them not being loaded. The unfortunate thing was we had some meanness in our town. Trooper Bob had the mind set of it was better to be prepared than not had left one gun loaded. I had grown up around firearms and was not frightened of them. I knew how to handle them at least what I wasn’t suppose to do, such as point a gun at someone.

I remember this like it was yesterday. Rookie Gary was looking at the guns handing them to me and I was putting them back in the gun cabinet. He had looked at every one of the forty gazillion guns and was down to just a plain old 22 caliber pistol. He handed the gun to me and I went to put it in the cabinet only just as I turned Gary stepped out. He slammed into me and I started to fall. (Imagine this from they eyes of a nine-year-old. Everything happening in slow motion.) I saw the gun go up and I saw more than felt me grab the gun as I started to fall to the ground. I heard the report of the shot and I swear to God I saw the bullet as it flew toward my daddy. I heard him say “HOLY SHIT, I’ve been SHOT!” I don’t really remember anything after that until much later in the night.

I do remember I was convinced I had killed him. I ran into the bedroom where my sister was talking on the phone oblivious to the fact I had just shot our daddy daid. I shot him D.A.I.D. in the living room. She continued her phone conversation until I started screaming and frothing at the mouth saying things like “I KILT HIM! KILT HIM DAID” She put her hand over the mouth piece and said “SHUT UP STOOPID! What are you talking about? Who did you keel?” I told her “DADDY, I KILT HIM!” Now I don’t know what boyfriend she was talking all lovey-dovey to but she just hung up on him. She ran into the living room to see Trooper Bob with a dishcloth over his wound. She saw Rookie Gary getting to practice his newly acquired first aide skills. She grabbed me and started shaking me asking me what I had done. Then she wrapped her arms around me and held onto me like I was going to float away if she didn’t


I have been told that Rookie Gary rushed my daddy to the emergency room. I heard that they called Nurse Meme up on the sixth floor where she was the charge nurse and told her that her husband had been shot. She was confused because she knew it was his night off. She ran down six flights of stairs to make sure the E.R. nurses knew what they were doing. She charged into the room and found my daddy sitting on the gurney. She asked him what happened and he said “Well, Gladys shot me.” The whole hospital wanted to know what he had done to piss me off so bad that I would have shot him. He of course told them some cockamamie story. He made up some story about not letting me have ice cream or he had sent me to bed with no sugar sandwich. Finally Nurse Meme threatened to shoot him in the other arm. He figured he better not press his luck and he told her what really happened.

Just so you don’t go worrying about Trooper Bob. He is fine. The bullet went through the fatty part of his arm and lodged under his shoulder blade. Yes, it went all the way through his arm. Several years after this incident the bullet worked its way up to just under the skin and daddy had it cut out. He has a shadow box of all of his accomplishments as a trooper and in the center of this shadow box is the ONLY bullet that entered his body. The only time in twenty years of service that he was shot was from his nine year old daughter.

This is my theory why Trooper Bob and I have a special bond. I mean nothing says “I Love You Daddy” like a 22 caliber hollow point in the shoulder blade.

Let Me Introduce You To Techman

The other day I got an email from Doodles, my daughter-in-law, which I of course took very seriously. It was a survey and of course we all take these VERY seriously and answer them most reverently. I followed the instructions to the letter because as I’ve told you before I always do as I’m told. Then I sent back to her and passed it on to various individuals who I knew would take this as gravely as I.

It was moments later that I got that infamous alert “You’ve Got Mail” and I excitedly clicked on the little envelope. I had my first response on the survey. It was from Techman, my son, who gets his wit and sense of humor from his father. I read his answers. I changed my wet pants and cleaned off my screen and keyboard I thought I would share them with you.

The Country Doctor has The Oracle, I give you Techman….

Let’s Play 20 Questions…Who are you?... Erase my answers and put in yours, then forward it along if you wish…

1. What kind of family did you grow up in?

I grew up in a matriarchal household…my mother had many mates. They would bring her a gift, usually an animal carcass for food…then she would let them have their way. But that was only after a weird dance they would perform around a bundle of sticks. To this day, a wicker basket creeps me out.

2. What is your favorite childhood memory?

A chalkboard, ice cubes and a tire. GOOD TIMES!!!!!

3. What is your five ear plan?

I only have two ears so I don’t know what this means….but I do need to clip my toe nails…?

4. List five things you absolutely love?

Those bump reflector things on the road, stick bugs, losing my keys, puppies and laundry. Man I love puppies!!!

5. List five things you absolutely hate?

People stomping on the floor above me, cinder blocks, puppies, rainbows and listing five things. Damn! I HATE PUPPIES!!!!

6. What do you value most?

Any amount + $1. That would make my values ever increasing!!!! That way, I can take your values and then add $1…and all of a sudden, my values are more than yours!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

7. What are you passionate about?

Window treatments, nothing says passion fruit like a strawberry curtain over your bedroom window!! YEEEE-OOWW!!

8. What are you most proud of?

*CUE MUSIC—I’m proud to be an American, ‘cause then I know I’m free!

9. If you had an entire day to do whatever you wanted, what would it be?

Didn’t I do this yesterday?! Let’s see…what did I do? Oh that’s right, I saved some puppies, then fed the homeless, helped create a clean source of energy and defeated the Covenant…all in a day’s (off) work!

10. Are you an outgoing person or more reserved?

Well, I don’t like making dinner reservations if that’s what you mean.

11. Do people usually like you?

People usually like me for my moustache.

12. Have you ever been in love, if so how many times?

I love pizza….4 times.

13. What are your fears, both silly and serious?

My fears? Hmm…Tears, just like the band.

14. Do you have any regrets in life?

I don’t have any grets, let alone regrets. That’s kinda like asking a lazy person, “Hey! Did you ever “recreate” something?!” Well we all know he’s lazy, so he never initially created something to have to recreate it!! Duh!

15. Is there anything about yourself that you would change or don’t like?

Sometimes I don’t like that I have 6 fingers on my right hand…you would think it helps…but honestly it gets costly having to paint that extra nail.

16. If a genie could grand you 3 wishes what would they be?

I would first wish for One Billion, Gazillion, Quadrillion wishes…then sky’s the limit!! What wouldn’t I wish for?! Ha!

17. If you were president for a day, what law would you want to enact?

I wouldn’t enact a law so much as I would create a National Holiday…called, National Stand on One Foot and Tap Your Head day. Imagine what work would be like, especially if you worked in the public sector…freakin’ awesome!

18. What are your political views?

Well, I haven’t been to Sacramento many times, so I haven’t viewed a lot. Mainly, I remember seeing that courthouse in Independence, CA, so that’s as political as I get.

19. How do you stand on abortion?

I have never stood on abortion…don’t know if I ever could. That would be kinda gross…plus, I think I might be too heavy to stand on a woman while she’s pregnant.

20. How do you stand on religion?

Again, standing on something like religion would be hard, I don’t think religion is an actual location to stand. Unless there is a city called Religion. Like Religion, WA, zip code 97521. Then I could stand on Religion, but actually, I guess I would be standing on Main St in Religion, WA, 97521. So, standing on religion would be pretty hard.

I see a political career in my boy's future!

Just the Facts Week ending 3-20-2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3/20/2009

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

3/12/2009

9:57 a.m. Two neighbors got into quarrel over one blowing snow onto the other’s property. The two settled the matter.

Remember that movie from way back in 1981 with John Belushi and Dan Akroyd? I think we have the sequel.

10:01 a.m. Someone on Rocky Cliff Drive reported that their former nanny stole items from their home when the job fell through. The nanny allegedly stole an iPod, a digital camera and a curling iron.

Ok, I understand the iPod and the digital camera but the curling iron? ‘I’ll show you for firing me! I’ll take your curling iron and you’ll have to walk around with straight hair!”

2:12 p.m. A set of keys was reported stolen on Vonderheide Lane. It turned out to be a civil dispute between a landlord and a tenant.

I think when they take the keys or change the locks it’s probably time to move.

3:54 p.m. Two family members were upset about a contract they had agreed on three years ago. One was accusing the other of fraud. It was deemed a civil matter and the two will work things out themselves.

This is why family should NEVER do business with family.

4:45 p.m. A dog bit someone on Third Avenue in Hungry Horse.

Maybe they need to change the name to Hungry Dog.

6:41 p.m. A vehicle was reported stolen from a church in Bigfork. It turns out the vehicle was repossessed not stolen.

Praying they won’t repossess evidently didn’t work for Reverend Fred.

7:41 p.m. A man believed his wallet was stolen or lost while shopping at a local grocery store. The man ended up finding his wallet and canceling the report.

Hum maybe he should have checked his pockets before calling 9-1-1.

9:16 p.m. Someone on Grand Drive could smell burning plastic and was concerned.

Sorry about that I was just microwaving dinner in my Rubbermaid containers again.

03-13-09

12:49 p.m. A stolen vehicle was reported to the front desk at the Flathead Justice Center. It was deemed a civil issue.

Now I’ll tell you who I am, I’m the repo man….(Iggy Pop)

1:14 p.m. Another vehicle was reported stolen, this time on Vonderheide Lane. This too was deemed a civil issue.

Repo man….

5:20 p.m. Neighbor kids were throwing snowballs at a woman’s dog on Cynthia Drive. Officers counseled both parties.

The dog was throwing snowballs too? That is one talented dog. I mean if I was in a snowball fight I would want a dog on my side too.


03-16-09

6:38 a.m. A 20-year-old female suffered a head injury while at a local fitness center. She was transported to Kalispell Regional Medical Center.

Oh thank God I’m not the only one who gets bucked of the Elliptical Machine.

8:26 a.m. A male drove a sedan into a snow bank near McGregor Lake Resort. He told the reporting party that he “was tweaking.”

Hummm wonder what he’s been smoking?

1:32 p.m. A 25-year-old was feeling weak while at a local pharmacy.

Well when your tweaking you tend to feel weak.

03-17-09

6:29 a.m. A suspicious male tried to approach a residence on Dern Road. The suspect was scared away by the owner’s dog.

Was the dog throwing snowballs at him?

1:57 p.m. A 25-year-old male used his cell phone to take a picture under a woman’s dress while shopping at a local department store. He was arrested for disorderly conduct.

She should have stuck that cell phone up his….

2:39 p.m. Someone tried to fill a phony prescription at a local pharmacy.

Must be tweaking again.

3:43 p.m. A suspicious male drove up to a window at a local coffee hut and made a strange request. The man, who had an East Coast accent and a vehicle with Bozeman plates, offered the woman at the window $50 to kick him in the groin. He had reportedly made similar requests to other female coffee shop attendants. The suspect then approached the door of the coffee shop and the attendant opened it to inform him she had called authorities. The suspect fled, and officers were unable to locate him.

This one speaks for itself.

03-18-09

11:55 a.m. A driver of a white Ford Explorer was weaving back and forth, driving on the shoulder and brake checking on Reserve. Officers were unable to locate the driver.

I thought O.J. was in prison.

03-19-09

8:14 a.m. A 55-year-old woman didn’t show up for work. Officers checked on her and she was at home and OK.

You know you just can’t play hookie anymore.

4:09 p.m. A basset hound was stolen on Collier Lane. The owner of the dog said the animal has been stolen before.

I bet he throws a mean snowball and that’s why he keeps getting taken. Hey let’s go get Charlie the Basset Hound for our team. We’ll take him home after the fight.

4:45 p.m. A female on Evergreen Drive was transported to the hospital with a broken rib. Officers are investigating how she was injured.

Hum….

5:38 p.m. A 50-year-old man was arrested for possible partner assault.

I think I’ve solved it.

8:34 p.m. A group of kids were throwing snowballs at cars on Highway 2 in Columbia Falls.

Did they have Charlie the Basset Hound with them?

12:34 a.m. There was a verbal disturbance in Evergreen. Two intoxicated neighbors were arguing about who should take care of one of the neighbor’s dog. They were able to work things out.
That Charlie the Basset Hound causes all kinds of havoc doesn’t he?

You Work Today?

Sometime ago back when the economy was still good I went to get my nails done at the salon. I went to the nail salon close to my house that is run by some Asian women. Now I’ve gone there off and on for about four years and have always had a good experience. Since I consider this treatment a treat I didn’t get a mani-pedi often usually just before special occasions. I always tried to get the same girl, Daisy.









I arrived at the salon and found out that Daisy was booked and since I didn’t know any of the other nail techs I took my chances. I got a new girl. She looked very young and didn’t speak English very well. She greeted me and with a big smile and motioned me into the pedicure chair. Her name was Mary and she immediately got to work on my feet. She filled up the tub and stuck my feet in the warm water. She looked up at me and said “You work today?” I smiled and replied I was taking the day off. She gathered her implements around her and then said “you have boyfriend?” I told her yes and I was married to him. Trying to keep the small talk going I ask her where she was from and she says Cambodia. Then I ask her how long she had been here and she answered “Since about 8 o'clock”. I tried again “no how long in the US?” She answered “Not long” duh I couldn't tell. I decided conversation was going to be difficult to say the least so I sat and read my magazine while she was doing my pedicure. Then I smell this horrible smell. It is putrid. I looked around but didn't see anything that would make this offensive smell and went back to looking at the magazine. I smelled it again and thought it must be the magazine so I put it up to my nose and sniffed. I realize it wasn’t the magazine. I go back to reading when I smell it again. I crunched my nose and looked around the salon nothing unusual. I searched with my eyes for some sign of any deadly chemical reaction that would cause this smell. I saw nothing. I mean what I should have smelled was acetone and lacquer. This didn’t smell like either of those. It smelled dead or worse.






She led me over to the table after completing my pedicure. I sat down placed my hands on the table and we once again smiled an uncomfortable smile at one anther. She looked at the table next to us and spoke in her native language to her colleague and they both laugh. Now if you have never been in this situation, let me tell you it makes you a little paranoid. You wonder if they are talking about you. What is she saying to her fellow technician “did you see this dumb lady’s toenails? She could have climbed a tree like a sloth” to which her friend would reply “she looks like one too.”

She began to file my nails when the smell came back. Only this time I knew where it originated. This demure little Asian girl expelled the loudest flatulance I have ever heard. I thought it was going to bring the roof down and the green haze that permeated afterwards would peel paint. I don't know what she ate but they need to feed it to our soldiers and then just point their posteriors toward the enemy because I promise it would knock them OUT!

She acted as if nothing happened. She continued chattering with her friend and pushing back my cuticles. I was dying. I was gasping for fresh air. I was praying for someone to open the door, light a match heck crack open a rotten egg; anything to make it smell better. I held my breath until I was about to pass out and finally had to suck in as much of the putrid air as was necessary to remain conscious. Mary looked at me with her innocent face and said “So…you work today?”

The Girl Formerly Known as Debbie

Years ago when I was a disco faring youngster I met a girl with whom I became very enamored. No not in “that” way, but in an admiration and adoration way. She was beautiful, smart, witty and rich. She wasn’t “I’ve inherited my daddy’s money” rich but had made her own fortune. I never was sure exactly HOW she made her fortune only that she had one. She was only 24 years old and I was a very impressionable 18 years old. To me she was a woman of independent means.

Trixi would call me at work to let me know what was on the agenda for the evening. Trixi didn’t work and had all day to flit around in either her brand new Mercedes 450 SL or her slightly older baby blue corvette. She wore all the newest trends in clothing and had a really awesome full length lynx fur coat. Oh shut up you know you wanted one too, I mean this was back before fur was bad.

One day she called me and arranged for us to meet up at the local discotheque. Excited I went home and disgustedly scoured my closet looking for something Trixi-like to wear. I settled on a pair of bright blue satin pants and a silver silk halter top with silver platform shoes. I then curled and sprayed my feathered hair and applied another dose of Great Lash mascara and Aziza Blue Eye shadow. I spritzed myself generously with Charlie perfume. I looked hot. I ran downstairs jumped in my Fiat X-19 and sped off to Reflections the newly opened hot spot.

I was greeted at the club by Trixi and a group of her friends. We ordered our standard Happy Hour fare and all laughed and talked about our grueling days at the salt mines. Then he appeared an Adonis of a man. This rough and tumble looking guy who was part John Wayne and part Rock Hudson in beauty. He swaggered in his Wayne like manner over to the table. His eyes never once straying from his target that happened to be seated next to me. At first I thought I was the focus of his aim. Then I realized he was headed straight for Trixi with a look of admiration and excitement. I looked at her and she had that same focus toward him only it wasn’t good. She had her lip drawn up in a sneer, her brow was furrowed and her eyes were hard.

The 5’2” Trixi jumped up from her seat and met Mr. Wayne just before he reached the table. She spoke to him vehemently through clenched teeth. The expression on Mr. Wayne’s face changed from excitement to concern and then full out disappointment. He frowned and shook his head. Trixi continued her tirade. We could only guess that this was an ex-boyfriend and she was heading him off at the pass. He hung his head down, shook it then walked away.

We all watched her rebuff this handsome creature and then return to the table. I leaned over and said “Old boyfriend?” Trixi took a drink then replied “Yeah, something like that.” She obviously didn’t want to discuss it so we went on to another topic. In the corner behind Trixi I could see Mr. Wayne watching us. Trixi got up to dance with one of the guys at the table. I adjusted my top and ordered another drink. I felt someone behind me and turned to see Mr. Wayne standing there. “Excuse me little lady, would you care to dance?” I looked at him and wondered what a big old polite cowboy could have done to invoke Trixi’s ire? I figured it was just a dance and there wouldn’t be any harm, so I agreed.

The DJ switched from Boogie Shoes to Reunited and we moved into the required slow dance stance. He leaned his 6’6” head down closer to my 5’1” ear and said “How long have you known Debbie?” Uh? “Who” I asked. “Debbie, you know the girl sitting next to you. How long have you known her?” I took a step back and looked up at him. “Debbie who? What are you talking about? I don’t know a Debbie. That girl is my friend Trixi.” He looked down at me with confusion and concern on his face. “NO her name is Debbie. I knew her up in Alaska as Debbie.” Now I was totally flummoxed. Trixi had never said anything about living in Alaska nor was any of her names Debbie.

The dance ended and I went back to the table. Trixi looked at me with fire in her eyes. “Uh-oh” I thought “I’ve done it now.” Trixi leaned over and spit out “what did he say to you?” I looked at her and said “he thinks your someone else. He thinks he knew you in Alaska. I told him he had the wrong person.” She looked at me pursed her lips and said “Oh. Well I guess I just look like someone else.” I drank my drink and let all of this soak in. Now I am a pretty gullible person but sometimes things just don’t smell right. This downright stunk.

I looked up to see Mr. Wayne and about five other guys standing by the bar. Mr. Wayne was pointing toward our table, pointing toward Trixi. They all were nodding yes. Then the group of men moved toward our table. They headed straight for Trixi. She saw the look on my face and turned to see them just as they reached us. “Hey Deb” the chorus sang out. Trixi was horror stricken. Her mouth opened to speak but nothing came out. Then one of the men said “I haven’t seen you in a couple of years. How come you left the pipe-line?” For the first time in the nine months I had known Trixi she looked panicked and cornered. She jumped up and ran to the bathroom tears in her eyes.

I looked at the men standing at the table and did what any friend would do; I got up and ran after her. I found Trixi in the ladies room leaning against the wall wiping the tears from her eyes and trying to keep her mascara from running. “Trixi what the heck is going on” I asked. Trixi turned her raccoon massacred eyes my direction and said “It’s followed me here. I thought I could get away from it but I can’t.” Now I may have been old enough to drink, vote and drive but I was still very naive. “What Trixi? What followed you?” I asked. “Oh, Gladys! Alaska followed me. My old life. All of it” she blubbered while leaning her head on my shoulder sobbing “Oh Trixi, nothing is that bad” I consoled.

This did not comfort Trixi instead it angered her. “How do you think I made my money? I made it in Alaska on the pipeline” she spat at me. I was aghast at her response and attitude and replied “so what? There is no shame in doing manual labor being a pipe layer.” Then she started laughing. She was laughing that laugh that comes after crying. Where you snort and hic cup and blow snot in a very attractive way out your nose and on to the person at which you are laughing. There I stood with a snot bubble dripping down my shoulder and a hysterical crazy person in front of me still bubbling snot. “You DIMWIT! I WAS A CALL GIRL NOT A PIPELAYER!”

I stood there jaw on the floor and eyes the size of saucers. First of all I had never met a real life hooker and second she was my friend. I swallowed hard and blinked a couple of times then said “Well then that would make THEM the pipe layers.” We both fell into a heap of giggling tears on the floor.

Sugar Sandwiches

I don’t understand this at all. I can go weeks ok maybe not weeks but days ok not days, hours without craving sweets. I’m not so much a candy bar type of girl as much as a eating the sugar out of the sugar bowl type of girl. I love sugar. I crave sugar. I am a sugar eating machine. Why is it as soon as I make a vow to start eating healthier I crave more sugar?

When I was a kid I would sneak into the kitchen and get out the sugar bowl. Then I would reach into the pantry and pull out the Mrs. Baird’s Bakery White Bread, thin sliced. I would root around in the refrigerator until I found the Parkay, Butter, Parkay, Butter, Parkay. I would slather an unhealthy layer of Parkay onto the thin sliced white bread. I would then spoon an even unhealthier dose of those magical white granules all over the bread. Then I would fold that Parkay sugary mess together and savor every bite. It was wonderful and fulfilled my need for the crunchy sweetness to which I have been forever addicted.

Now when you are 10 years old and weigh 42 pounds you can eat all the sugar sandwiches you want. Heck when you find yourself at 18 still only weighing 68 pounds your doctor and mother encourage you to eat sugar sandwiches. Oh and drink beer. Yes I had a doctor’s prescription to drink beer, I had a great childhood. Then you find yourself in your late twenties and you think maybe you should eat something a little healthier. You get on the scales and see that you still are less than 80 pounds you think, hum, maybe just one more won’t hurt. Then one day you wake up and your way too near to the half century mark. There you are still slathering the Parkay on bread while you lovingly caress the sugar bowl and it hits you. You are far from that 100 pound mark and not in the negative direction. Your jeans don’t fit and you’ve been reduced to wearing your husbands sweat pants. You realize it is time to start eating a bit healthier.

I hid the sugar bowl in the upper recesses of the further most cabinet. I traded my Parkay in for Smart Balance and my white thin sliced Mrs. Bairds for Flax Seed bread. I cut up four pounds of celery and cubed some carrots. I toasted some almonds and shelled some sunflower seeds. Healthy eating for me only from now on. I mean I only have so much time left right? I really should do something about my weight and my high cholesterol, right? So I have made the commitment.

From here on out I will be eating unrefined sugar and Smart Balance sandwiches on Flax Seed and Bran Bread. Hey you can’t expect me to stop cold turkey can you?

In Which Forung has Gone on the Lamb

Once again I’ve been sent an extraordinary correspondence and I will try my best to live up the Griffin and Sabine style of writing.

Here is the dispatch I received yesterday

FROM THE DESK OF ZARDE ZONGOBILL
AND EXCHANGE MANAGERBANK OF AFRICA.
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA FASO.
TOP SECRET

Dear Friend
I am (ZARDE ZONGO) the bill and exchange manager at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I got your contact from the internet ,while seaching for an honest and trust worthy person, who will assist me to implement this transfer. l discovered the sum of Twenty Two million and five hundred thousand United States Dollars (USD22.5M) belonging to a deceased customer of this bank. The fund has been lying in a suspence account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account owner late Mr Salla khatif from Lebanese , who was involved in the December 25th 2003 Benin plane crash.
Here is the air crash website on cnn www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index The said fund is now ready for transfer to a foriegn account whose owner will be portrayed as the beneficiary and next of kin to the deceased customer of the bank. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next if kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlines and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill. The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I therefore soliciting for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin. I have agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary in respect of the provision of your Account and services rendered, 55% would be for me while 5% will be for expencses incured during the cause of thIS transaction If the money is transferred to your Account from BANK OF AFRICA, I and my family in this transaction will proceed immediately to your country for our own share of the money. I expect you to keep this business strictly confidential and secret as you may wish to know that I am Bank official. Be rest assured that this business is 100% risk free on both side and every arrangement to transfer this money to the Account you are going to provide have been concluded provided we maintain the confidentiality and secreceirity involved. Contact me on my email address I am looking forward for your prompt response.
Yours faithfully,
ZARDE ZONGO


My Dear Forung or as I should call you now Mr. Zongo,

Why have you changed your name? Have you joined the Chinese equivilant of the CI A? Are you in the Chinese witness protection program? This must be so because not only have you changed your name but also your country of origin. Are you at risk in writing me? Please I beg of you do not put your life in danger in order to keep your correspondence with me. It is too big a danger even if we keep secreceirity. Although I’m really not sure what that is.

How wonderful you were able to find a job in banking in your new home so quickly. I am so honored that you wish to shower me with money and give me 40% of the 100% risk free twenty-two million dollars. This money would come in most useful as I used to be an executive with a large American Insurance Group who is being pursued to return my hard earned and well deserved bonus. Isn’t it remarkable that we are in the same situation? I will send you 40% of my bonus money for 40% of your transaction. The check will be made out on Lehman Brothers Bank. Can you accept this or will it be sent to a suspence account?
When you speak of your family I assume you are speaking of course of your mother and father. I will prepare a room in my large refrigerator box in which I have been residing since the bank foreclosed on my home.

With undying affection.
Yours Always
Gladys

The Night Nurse Meme Saved Trooper Bob's Bacon

Nurse Meme had a hard week in the E.R. and it was her last night on duty. She had delivered babies, sewed up stab wounds and set broken bones. She had walked the floors and tended to the infirm. She did all of this while taking care of three kids, a husband and a dog. She had worked 7 nights in a row without a break. She was exhausted and was glad this was the eve of her break.

Across town Trooper Bob was also working the night shift. He had busted up a couple of illegal crap games, served a couple of warrants and drank way too much coffee. He too had worked seven nights in a row. He was also in need of a day off. He had just found a quiet spot on the side of the road to wait out the rest of his shift.

A car came careening around the corner slid sideways like Evil Knievel down the road, righted itself then gunned the engine and sped away. Trooper Bob jumped into action and pulled out onto the highway. He turned on lights and siren, keyed the mike and said “I have a wreckless driver on highway 62. I’m in pursuit.” He pressed the big engine and caught up with the weaving vehicle. He flashed his lights, he honked his horn, he screamed his siren and the driver ignored him. The only thing left to do was to force him off the road. Trooper Bob lined his front bumper up with the back bumper of the speeding driver and tapped him. This sent the car into a spin and finally to a rest in the dirt along side the road. Trooper Bob stopped his car unsnapped his gun and ran flashlight in hand toward the vehicle. “PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL” he barked at the driver. The driver complied and Trooper Bob was able to get him out of the vehicle with no more incident.

“Sir, have you been drinking?” Trooper Bob asked the somewhat coherent driver. “No sir” replied the man. “Sir I’m going to ask you again how much have you had to drink?” Trooper Bob reiterated. “I haven’t drank a thing.” Replied Evil Knievel. “Would you be willing to submit to a blood test” Trooper Bob retorted. The man looked at him and said “Well sure I would. I ain’t drunk”

This was before breathalyzers and instant test the only way to tell for sure was a blood test. This meant that the person had to sign a consent form and then be transported to the nearest medical facility that had a lab. It just so happened that the nearest hospital was El Paso General.

Trooper Bob with the handcuffed and subdued Evil Knievel entered the emergency room and was met by none other than Nurse Meme. “What brings you to the emergency room, Trooper Bob” Nurse Meme asked. Trooper Bob smiled at his wife and said “Nurse Meme, I need a blood alcohol ran on this gentleman.” Nurse Meme asked for the consent form then showed the two men into a treatment room and th said “I’ll be right back with a kit. You just sit there on the table, sir.” Trooper Bob turned Evil around and removed the handcuffs to make it easier for the nurse to draw the blood.

Evil turned just as Trooper Bob removed the bracelets and took a swing at him. Trooper Bob ducked and moved in order to restrain him. Evil dodged the trooper then pushed him with all his might. He thought he was home free, now he could open the door and run out of the room. What he had not counted on was Nurse Meme opening the door to the exam room.
Nurse Meme had gone down the hall and retrieved a treatment tray. This was a long time ago and treatment trays were stainless steel and heavy. She gathered the glass syringes and the needles and vials needed for the blood alcohol test. She grabbed a dispenser of alcohol some gauze and some cotton balls. Then she headed down the hallway to draw blood and get through the rest of her shift. She made her way past the storage closet when she heard the scuffle. She waited a moment outside the door trying to assess what was happening. She opened the door just as Evil pushed Trooper Bob into the wall. Nurse Meme didn’t flinch, she didn’t think, she just reacted. She saw her opportunity and seized it. She wielded her treatment tray as if it were a baseball bat. Glass syringes, alcohol, gauze and needles went flying as the metal tray met cranium. Evil stopped dead in his tracks as the tray made contact with the side of his head and then he stumbled over the instrument stand and light. He fell on the floor out cold.

Trooper Bob looked at Nurse Meme with love and adoration. “That’s my wife!” he said as he put the cuffs on Evil. Nurse Meme helped get Evil to the table where he eventually came around. She looked at him and said “now are you going to let me draw your blood or am I going to have to hit you again?” Evil looked at her and then at Trooper Bob who smiled and said “next time she won’t go so easy on you. I know that for a fact. She’s got a mean swing with a frying pan too.” Evil looked from the trooper to the nurse and said “no ma’am I’ll do as you say. Jus please don’t hit me again.”

The Dynamic Duo

A Medicated Relief so to Speak

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Oh wait that’s not it. A long time ago Mrs. Nott Meany was married to a very nasty man. He was mean and nasty to Mrs. Nott Meany and their beautiful little girl. Mrs. Nott Meany believed in the old adage what goes around comes around. She was just waiting for the day when it did.

One afternoon Mr. Very Meany came home early and greeted his wife and daughter with a grunt and a sneer. He put on his running clothes and left without a goodbye or fare-the-well. While he was out stretching his legs and pounding the pavement Mrs. Nott Meany went about her daily routine. She scrubbed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. She put the jars of dry skin cream and the sore muscle creams on the shelf where they belonged. She washed out the sink and hung fresh towels and then went on to do the rest of the house.

Mr. Very Meany after a long hard run came back to the house and walked into the kitchen. “Is my supper ready?” he barked. “Almost” replied Mrs. Nott Meany. “I’m going to take a shower” he snapped and then added “I don’t want to be disturbed.” Mrs. Nott Meany rolled her eyes as she heard his muddy running shoes walk down her freshly scrubbed wooden floor hallway. She basted her bird, checked on her homemade bread and finished mashing the potatoes. As she was placing the finishing touches on her salad she heard a piercing scream. She stopped and listened but heard nothing more. She walked to the laundry room and put some towels in when she heard her name being screamed from bathroom.

Thinking that maybe Mr. Very Meany had fallen in the shower and hit his head or worse she made her way slowly to the bathroom. The screaming got louder the closer to the bathroom. Slowly she opened the door expecting to see massive amounts of blood and brains, well maybe not massive amounts of brains. The door creaked open and there standing in front of her was a very naked and a very irritated Mr. Very Meany. The naked Mr. Meany screamed “Nott what the hell did you put in the skin cream?” She looked at her husband standing there with his manly parts in his hand tears in his eyes shifting from one foot to the other. Then she looked at the jar of Icy Hot muscle cream sitting on the sink. She was confused as to what had transpired so she asked “Very, why did you put icy hot on your manly bits?”

Mr. Meany picked up the jar and glared at the big blue and red label in horror then he screamed “Make it stop burning. Oh dear lord it burns!” Nott bit her lip and stifled a giggle. She looked at the pain and agony emanating from Verry’s face and that‘s when it dawned on her. This was his “comes around” minute and she needed to take full advantage of it. She very innocently said “Quick run cold water over it.” Now for those of you have never used Icy Hot or Tiger Balm or even Ben Gay you wouldn’t know that cold water only makes the effects well more effective. It makes the burn hotter, the tingle more intense and for Mr. Meany the agony more agonizing.

Once again Mr. Meany emitted a scream that rivaled a bob cat caught in a bear trap. “Make it stop!” he cried. Nott smiled to herself and said “Is that not helping? Oh my! Well let me run to the pharmacy and see if I can find something to help.” “Please hurry” groaned Mr. Meany. Then with the speed of a sloth she retrieved her keys and her purse and headed the 10 miles to the pharmacy. She waited until her favorite song finished playing on the radio and listened to the weather. She entered the pharmacy and checked out the new nail colors and magazines as she made her way to the pharmacist counter. She graciously allowed several older people to go ahead of her in line after all it was the polite thing to do.

Finally it was her turn to speak with the pharmacist. “Hi, my husband slathered icy hot all over his beans and frank and is in quite a bit of pain.” Nott stated. The male pharmacist instinctively grabbed his groin and sucked in air as he asked “How exactly did this happen?” Nott smiled her sweet smile and said “I’m not sure but he had it everywhere in his man area. What can he put on it to cool it off?” Mr. Pharmacist grimaced and said “there really isn’t ANYTHING that can be done. It just has to wear off. You might put some corn starch on it, but whatever you do DO NOT put cold water on it. Once that cold water hits it the petroleum jelly in it just coagulates and it just makes it harder to get it off.” Nott smiled to herself and then thanked the pharmacist. She slowly made her way over to the talcum powder section. She searched until she found just the right powder containing corn starch. She made her purchase and then drove well below the speed limit to insure she would not be sited for speeding.

Once she arrived home she again finished listening to a song on the radio and made her way into the house. She called out to her spouse. She walked through the house and found him cowered in a corner of the bathtub tears in his eyes still holding his now scarlet and swollen bits and pieces. “I spoke to Mr. Pharmacist and he said this should help some” she said as pulled the container of Gold Bond Medicated powder out of her bag. “Oh and make sure you wash with plenty of cold water to keep the swelling down.”

Mrs. Nott Meany went back to salvage her supper. She switched the kitchen radio on and turned the volume up to drown out the screams.

Just the Facts Week ending 3-9-2009

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-13-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…Jake Grilley (comments by Gladys)


Wednesday 3-4-2009

12:43 a.m. A woman on Highway 35 called to report that someone stole items from her purse while she was at a party in Evergreen. When officers arrived, the woman was passed out but breathing. Officers decided they would take her report when she was sober.

Wow what did she have in that purse?

3:55 a.m. A man was lying in the street on Third Avenue in Columbia Falls with lacerations on his face.

Do you think he found the purse

9:12 a.m. Someone on Shady Lane asked for extra patrol after seeing a large footprint outside their window.

Big Foot! I told you he exists.

12:09 p.m. A door was damaged on a home on North Ferndale Road. The resident requested extra patrols.

I think it was Big Foot trying to get in.

4:00 p.m. Two drivers got involved in a verbal altercation on Highway 93 after one driver cut the other off. They were cursing at each another out their windows.

I have said this before and I’ll say it again. This is Flathead not Los Angeles. Knock it off!

6:41 p.m. A suspicious person was reported at the Rainbow Bar. The subject was gone when officers arrived.

Why was he suspicious? Was he not drinking therefore suspicious?

7:05 p.m. Talk of divorce spurred a verbal argument on Blanchard Hollow Road. The two parties were separated.

Well duh! That’s what divorce is…Separation.

Thursday 3-5-2009

11:57 a.m. Someone climbed through a window at a residence in Hungry Horse and took appliances. It was deemed a civil matter, so no report was filed.

Now see I would have liked to have seen this. Picture it. A guy trying to squeeze a refrigerator out a window. Hey maybe it was Big Foot.

1:09 p.m. Officers investigated an embezzlement warrant on Beaver Lake Road. They were unable to locate a suspect.

Bobbie sue took the money and run. Go on take the money and run. Go on take the money and run. Go on take the money and run. Go on take the money and run ...Go on take the money and run… (Steve Miller)

1:45 p.m. A disturbance over a trailer led to a verbal altercation that led to some pushing. Charges weren’t filed because it was unclear which party started the physical altercation.

I didn’t start it he started it. Nuhuh he started it. Uh-hun I didn’t he did. MOOOOOOMMMMM! Big Foot Started it!

3:37 p.m. A woman on Harmony Road reported that her 5-year-old son was hitting her.

Parent your children! What is wrong with people??

3:52 p.m. Another suspicious vehicle was reported on Highway 2. A gray truck was speeding. It turned out to be a private investigator working on a case.

I have my next excuse when I get stopped for speeding. No officer I’m a P.I. and I am in pursuit of Big Foot.

5:30 p.m. A vehicle was spinning cookies on Evergreen Drive.

Yumm cookies…

6:58 p.m. A night of drinking in Martin City led to a disturbance. A property owner fired a warning shot to get a man to leave. The man left and later found himself bleeding. The 55-year-old thought that he had been shot, but authorities believe that he most likely put his hand through a glass window. Officers are investigating the matter.

Wow how drunk was he? He didn’t remember putting his hand through a window?

6:59 p.m. A man that had been drinking fell down the stairs on Fox Hill Drive.

It hasn’t been a good day for drunks.

7:07 p.m. The driver of a white Toyota pickup was trying to climb a snow bank near an Evergreen auto dealership.

Why? Because it’s there. Or maybe he was chasing Big Foot.

11:48 p.m. There was a possible prowler on Trap Road. The resident heard talking and rattling of their doorknob. Authorities were unable to locate a suspect.

I think it was Big Foot.


Monday 3-9-2009

1 p.m. A pregnant woman was caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart. She started having contractions when she was apprehended. She was transported to Kalispell Regional Medical Center and received a citation for shoplifting.

I like how they didn’t let her go just because she was having contractions. Can you hear her reasons in court?
Your honor I was out of my mind. I was in child birth and I didn’t know what I was doing.

3:13 p.m. A property dispute between neighbors led to one neighbor threatening to beat the other one up. Officers investigated and the threats were unfounded.

Nothing like good neighbors!

3:50 p.m. A 40-year-old male suffered a fractured ankle while skiing on Big Mountain.

This is why I don’t ski.

4:06 p.m. Possible unsafe shooting was reported on Trap Road. Someone was shooting toward a road. Officers asked the party to stop shooting in that direction.

An unsafe shooting? What is a safe shooting? Would that be shooting with a camera? I bet he was shooting at...you guessed it BIG FOOT.

5:19 p.m. A 70-year-old male fell while on Big Mountain. He was suffering from a shortness of breath and abdominal pain. He was transported to North Valley Hospital.

Again this is why I don’t ski.

8:49 p.m. Someone at a local restaurant couldn’t pay for their dinner because there were unauthorized charges on their card. It was deemed a civil matter and the party and the restaurant settled it.

I know I use that excuse too. What? I’m over my limit? Someone must be putting thing on my card without my permission, like Macy’s and Shoes R Us.

11:02 p.m. Someone on Foys Lake Road hit the wrong number on their phone and mistakenly dialed 911.

Edna is that you?
No ma’am this is 911 what is your emergency?
What? There’s an emergency? What’s wrong Edna?
No ma’am this is 9*1*1. Do YOU have an emergency?
No I’m not going through a pregnancy? Edna your too old to be pregnant.
No MA’AM this is EMERGENCY DISPATCH.
What you’ve seen Sasquatch? Yeah Edna he tried to break into my house! You should have seen the footprint outside my window. I’m tellin you it was BIG FOOT!

Joe Friday Quote:

Sergeant Joe Friday: The subject was booked under Section 601 - in danger of leading an idle, dissolute, or immoral life.