Thursday, April 23, 2009

Shoot Low Sheriff

Trooper Ray was working on his third cup of the night. Trooper Bob had just fired up his first cigar. They were taking a breather from a shift full of drunk drivers. The honky-tonks were packed to the rafters and everyone seemed to be imbibing in a little too much of a good time. They were working Highway 181 between San Antonio and Floresville and it seemed to be a hopping area.

They were discussing the attributes of the new waitress at the diner and admiring their brand spanking new patrol car. All of a sudden out of the dark came a car careening down the highway at an excessive rate of speed. It was full of revelers tossing beer bottles out the window and playing that new rock and roll music way too loud. Trooper Ray sighed the sigh of a man who knew he would not be picking up his fourth cup of coffee from the new waitress anytime soon and flipped on the sigh-reen as he pulled onto the tarmac. Trooper Bob stubbed out his cigar and called into to dispatch “Dispatch this is car 76 we have a 10-55 on 181 we are in pursuit.” The translation is hey we are chasing a drunk driver and will let you know when we get him stopped.

The sigh-reen was blaring and the red light was whirling and they were right on that old Pontiac’s big fins. That is when they heard it. A loud pop. Ray looked at Bob and said “Those sumabeeches are throwing beer bombs at us. They are not gonna pull over.” Trooper Bob switched the radio over to public address so that it would broadcast and said “pull your car to the side of the road RIGHT NOW!” About that time one of the occupants hung a big bare ass out the rear driver window in response.

Trooper Bob and Trooper Ray were perplexed. Did these ingrates know with whom they were dealing? They were the law. L*A*W! Ray revved the engine and got up close to the insolent driver’s tail lights and flashed his headlights as Trooper Bob again made the request “STOP YOUR VEHICLE NOW!” Again the only response the trooper’s received was the universal sign language of the middle finger. The Pontiac sped up still driving at a dangerous rate of speed weaving from one side of the road to the other. Trooper Bob said “Ray we need to stop that sumabeech before he kills somebody. I’m gonna lean out the winder and shoot out his tires.” Ray looked at Bob and grinned “Alright I’ll get you up close and we’ll both shoot. Ready?” Bob grinned back and replied “Hell yeah! Shoot low though.” With that the two troopers pulled their weapons and prepared to fire. They reached out the window and took aim. They shot once, twice and finally ended up emptying their service revolvers. The car continued to speed up and slow down weaving from one side of the road to the other. The troopers reloaded their weapons and tried once again. Finally the car spun out of control and ended up in the ditch. The troopers were sure they had hit their mark and caused the final result. They exited their vehicle guns drawn and eased up to the offending vehicle. “Get out of the car with your hands up” Trooper Bob called to the occupants. One by one they exited the vehicle. “Damn Bob looks like one of them clown cars at the circus” Trooper Ray commented as the car unloaded. The drunks stumbled from the car and one by one surrendered to the troopers.

They loaded their catch into the backseat of the vehicle and accompanied by a sheriff’s deputy who took he overage in his car carted the partiers off to the jail. They booked the suspects, filled out their paperwork and headed back out to their new squad car to finish their shift. Sheriff Mack accompanied them regaling them with a story when he stopped cold in his tracks. “What in the HAIL happened to you boys car” the sheriff asked as he pointed to the bullet holes down the front of both sides of the hood of the brand new squad car. “Them sumabeeches done shot up your brand new car” he exclaimed. Trooper Bob looked at Trooper Ray and they both said “Those sumabeeches!” The sheriff spit a wad of tobacco and said “we’re gonna bury them under the jailhouse for that one.”

The two troopers got in their car and started out of the drive when Trooper Bob looked at Trooper Ray and said “You know we are gonna have to tell Mack that we shot our own car.” Trooper Ray sighed and said “yeah I know, but I’m gonna get a cup of coffee at the diner first.”


Bob said...

Being a trooper is humbling at times, ain't it?

Girly Stuff said...

Did they have to drive around the car with caulk in the holes or what?