Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 2/11/2009


*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-11-09


A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)


Tuesday 2/03/2009

12:45 p.m. A drummer was too loud for a neighboring Montana Highway 82 espresso stand.

A little too much caffeine?

1:08 p.m. Two 19 year old females were caught stealing shampoo, conditioner, stationary and notebooks.

Well at least they were stealing items to keep clean. I mean it’s not like they were stealing wine coolers and pregnancy test.

4:59 p.m. A man’s ex won’t leave him alone. She has been calling him since the couple broke up- four years ago.

Can you say “Fatal Attraction”? Mr. You might want to keep your bunny in a safe place, I’m just sayin.

Wednesday 2/05/2009

9:00 a.m. Someone wanted a deputy to look at a letter they had received.

Remember in the Michael J. Fox movie “Doc Hollywood” when the couple come to see him not for medical reasons but because neither one of them can read? Yeah and the letter was about Ellen and the Pakistani? I picture something like that going on here.
The Deputy: Then it says here that Margret met the man on the subway. I guess that would be the one that runs under the city. Yeah they got these trains that run UNDER New York City. Then she goes on to say....

10:42 a.m. A woman repeatedly tried to reach a man on Dorothy Road, but he was sleeping.

For the love of Gravy!
Let the man sleep in! He was probably out late trying to ski down Big Mountain in his Dodge or something.


Friday 2/06/2009

1:40 p.m. Someone broke their ankle at a barbecue joint.

Wow someone gets aggressive eating ribs.

Saturday 2/07/2009

11:14 a.m. An office building on Main Street in Kalispell smelled like gas.

Someone must have had beans with their BBQ!

Monday 2/09/2009 (Looks like crime took Sunday off)

1:18 a.m. The Alcohol enforcement team went to a party on Three Mile Drive. They weren’t invited, but ended up taking someone with an outstanding warrant with them.

First of all how cool is that? There is a team out there that enforces alcohol consumption. Do they watch you drink and tell you which alcohol to drink and how fast?

Second they crashed the party?

Third, hey everyone knows no one parties like someone with an outstanding warrant so I would have taken him with me too.

4:23 a.m. There was a party at a lodge on Big Mountain Road. Authorities couldn’t find it.

Of course they couldn’t find it. They were at the party on Three Mile Drive.

11:15 a.m. One juvenile female stole two wine coolers. Her friend stole two boxes of pregnancy tests and a box of condoms.

I spoke too soon on Tuesday. See this makes perfect sense to me. Wine coolers, pregnancy test and condoms. I’m a juvie, I’m going to get drunk on a wine cooler and have protected sex but make sure I didn’t get pregnant. Yeup sounds like those two are thinking right.

3:55 p.m. A transient, who goes by the name of “DJ Number Five,” was asked to leave the parking lot of an evergreen retailer. He did so on his bicycle.

Wait what happened to DJ one through 4?

5:30 p.m. A man was seen vomiting in the parking lot of a Bigfork grocery store located next to a bar, was gone when authorities arrived.

Um the fact that he was next to a bar gives us a little clue as to why he was vomiting.

6:17 p.m. A man, who had been drinking locked himself in the bathroom of an Evergreen laundry mat.

Ok, either DJ Number Five has found a place to bed down for the night or I have found the vomiting man.

9:36 p.m. A man, who looked to be in his 50s, was hanging around Blacktail road. His bike was broken.

Wow DJ Number Five sure gets around.
Sergeant Joe Friday: By the way, what do you do for a living?
Systems Analyst: I'm a systems analyst, myself.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Oh? What's a systems analyst do?
Systems Analyst: I analyze systems.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Makes sense.

14 comments:

Coffee Bean said...

I laughed out loud when I got to the girls that stole the wine coolers, condoms and pregnancy tests!

Queen Goob said...

......my boss wants to know what the hell I'm laughing so hard at.

I have to tell you - this is my most FAVORITE post of all that I read.

Love ya!
Mean it!

Debbie said...

These crack me up every week! I love them.

Katherine Aucoin said...

I think the vomiting dude was with the juvie females with the wine coolers. They should have headed to the three mile road party.

And I'm still missing the guy that used to call in every day - i guess things are "ok" anymore. How terribly sad! = )

Cher said...

Sometimes I have to save your posts for later, when I have more time. I can appreciate them more then!

The Texas Woman

Beth said...

The Flathead Beacon should publish your comments alongside the Police Blotter blog – it would make for a much more interesting read!

blogismycopilot said...

This is my favorite post every week. I just love the ambiguity of the writing. The alcohol team entry was the best.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"1:40 p.m. Someone broke their ankle at a barbecue joint."

Don't you break your ankle at the, er... ankle joint?

Ba-Dump-Dump!

Goodnight folks, you've been great! I'm here all week!

MJ said...

LOL. These are great! With my fiance being a cop, I definitely get some of the best stories.

joyce said...

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ Please check out Cakewrecks today---it so reminds me of the story you told about your doll that sprang out of the cake.

Jacki said...

It is scary to think what goes on that we never know about! These are just the people we know about!

Staci said...

You are killing me!

By the way, there's an award for you over at my blog!

VE said...

Is vomiting illegal now? Yikes!

Oh, and I checked the Times top 25 blogs and dooce was one ahead of pioneer woman. I win! I win! ;)

Jaime said...

LOVE ellen and the pakistani