Just the Facts Week ending 1/26/09

*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 1-26-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)


Tuesday 1/20/2009

8:58 a.m. An individual dressed all in black could not be found. Apparently, he rode his skateboard across the highway.

Sounds like one of those dangerous skateboard Ninja’s to me. It does cause one to wonder why they could not see him since everything here is covered in snow. Doesn’t it seem you could spot someone dressed all in black if they are in a sea of white?

4:01 a.m. A man said he was unable to identify who, or what, assaulted him. Law enforcement said it was “mutual combat” between two highly intoxicated men. The confused man went to jail for possession of dangerous drugs.

People are just stupid. I mean if I am in possession of dangerous drugs I’m not calling the cops for ANY reason. That is like saying “Hey I’m going to run for public office only I haven’t paid my taxes in 30 years”. You are going to be found out dude. Only difference is this guy went to jail.


Wednesday 1/20/2009

9:24 a.m. An 11 year-old- girl was booked for stealing press on nails from her aunt.

First isn’t it wonderful how our justice system works? Second come on for press on nails? I thought those things went out in the 80’s.

1:35 p.m. A 92 year-old-woman and her 47 year-old-daughter had an argument. Apparently the woman’s daughter thought she should be more cautious.

I can hear the argument:

Daughter: Mother you need stop opening the door for strangers! I love you damn-it!
Mother: You need to stop caring about me so much you little witch.

7:07 p.m. A 40 year-old-man, who had another man’s wallet in his pocket, was talking about suicide in the emergency room. He had been drinking.

Why did he have another man’s wallet? Was in committing suicide incognito?

2:28 a.m. A funny smell at a motel on Montana Highway 35 turned out to be marijuana smoke. Authorities arrived, but the drugs were gone. Authorities arrived, but the drugs were gone. Someone was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia.

I didn’t know Michael Phelps was in town.

Thursday 1/22/2009

9:15 p.m. A man called authorities and asked them to check on his son, who had a contact lens stuck to his eye. The man’s son refused medical attention, even though his eye was swollen shut.

Must have been a slow day at the station, because there weren’t any other calls. Can’t you just see the fire truck, paramedics and every patrol car on duty pulling up in front of this guy’s house? Sir we are here to rescue from your ocular enhancement device. No sir, not that type of enhancement, your O*C*C*U*L*A*R that means your eye. Sir your contact. Now if you’ll hold still Officer Fife is going to get the Jaws of Life.

Friday 1/23/2009

1:35 p.m. Someone quit drinking, or using drugs in Columbia Falls. They didn’t feel well.

For some reason the only thing that comes to my mind is that scene from Airplane where Lloyd Bridges says “I picked the wrong day to stop doing amphetamines.”



4:09 p.m. A man on Beach Street in Bigfork, who habitually calls the sheriff’s office for no other reason than to report that everything is “OK”, called again. Everything is still OK.

Thank God we have conscientious citizens like Mr. Kravitz.

4:25 p.m. Any report stating that things in Bigfork were not Ok, are false, according to a man on Beach Street.

Thank you Mr. Kravitz for that report.

12:37 a.m. A Bigfork resident who lives on Beach Street said that his neighbor arrived home safely.

Again, Mr. Kravitz thank you for letting us know since we didn’t even know your neighbor went out. You need to be a little more alert on the comings and goings on Beach Street.

Monday 1/26/09

12:40 a.m. A man on Beach Street in Bigfork called in with his dialy report. Turns out that everything is OK and any reports stating otherwise are, according to the caller, false.

Mr. Kravitz you are to be commended for your prompt reporting of the state of affairs on Beach Street in Bigfork.

1:04 a.m. A deputy fell on the ice. He was in Hungry Horse.

Well obviously he wasn’t on Beach Street in Bigfork or we would have heard about it before it happened.

5:51 p.m. Everything on Beach Street in Bigfork was cool.

Thank God! I mean we didn’t have a report all day and I was really concerned.

11:54 p.m. A girl, who had an argument with her parents, was found walking down Dunn Moving Lane in only a T-shirt and jeans.

Note to teenagers. When you stomp out of your parents house you might want to grab a jacket. It is below zero out there and you might get cold. Oh wait that is what you were arguing about? You mother told you to wear a jacket?


Pep Streebeck: Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday...
Friday: Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.