Just the Facts Week ending 2-02-09

*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-02-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)


Tuesday 1/27/2009

9:49 a.m. A gray Dodge was parked on, or near, a ski run at Whitefish Mountain Resort. Apparently, it was stuck.

So did you think you could ski down the run without getting out of your truck? Or perhaps you were pretending the old Dodge was a ski cat.

1:08 p.m. A woman got home and her TV was gone, so she reported it stolen. Somehow, though, she found it a short time later.

Oops I forgot I left it hanging on the wall. I thought it was one of those pictures where the eyes just followed you around.

10:24 p.m. A man, who was slumped over a steering wheel of a gold sedan, was just snoozing.

What can’t a guy take a nap in his car without someone calling the cops?

Wednesday 1/28/2009

12:39 a.m. All is fine in Bigfork.

….Heeeee’sssss baaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk……

6:39 p.m. Someone called dispatch because they wanted the telephone number for the police station in Dallas.

911-What’s your emergency?
Yeah could you tell me what the number for Dallas 9-1-1 is?
I’m sorry this is not 4-1-1. You will have to hang up and call 4-1-1.

Yeah but I need the number to Dallas 9-1-1 can’t you give it to me? I mean you are 9-1-1 aren’t you? Aren’t you all tied together I mean can’t you just connect me?

No sir, you need to call 4-1-1 for the Dallas area and get that number.

Yeah but you have that number, right?

7:55 p.m. A man received a call from his neighbor stating that someone was in his yard shining a flashlight. It turned out to be another neighbor who was looking for a dog.

Hey George, there is someone in your yard with a flashlight. You might want to take your flashlight and check it out.

7:57 p.m. A man and his wife were at each other’s throats, or so the woman claims. He denies it.

That’s what they all do. Deny, deny, deny. Those damn men.

Friday 1/30/2009 (because there evidently was no crime Thursday?)

11:19 a.m. A woman, who was out on a leisurely stroll, went to the hospital after she fell and perhaps broke her ankle.

Turns out the stroll wasn’t so leisurely after all.

1:27 p.m. A man busted into a home on Cedar Lane in Whitefish and told the inhabitant that he was owed money. He left with a pair of skis but later returned with them.

I have several thoughts on this call. First I have lots of people who owe me money. I didn’t realize I could just barge into random houses and take whatever I wanted because of it.
Second do you think this is the same guy who tried to ski down the mountain in his Dodge? I mean he figured he would just borrow some skis this time instead?

4:32 p.m. Someone paid $3000 to have appliances fixed. It never happened.

Wait Julius don’t leave me hanging like this. What never happened? The paying of the $3000 or the fixing of appliances? That is a lot of money to repair a dishwasher. All I have to do is give mine a little loving and he is a dishwashing machine.

8:41 p.m Reportedly, a woman’s pit bull urinated on an Evergreen man’s barbecue. The man, according to law enforcement, arrived home and the dog growled at him. Soon thereafter, the dog’s owner arrived and proceeded to leave through the carport, but before they left the dog relieved itself on the man’s barbecue grill. The man then went inside the house and grabbed a rifle and, according to the woman, pointed it at her. Four other witnesses say it didn’t happen like that.

Whew, that was a long one but well worth it. Let’s take this one step at a time.

Is this why Pit Bull’s are getting such a bad rap? They urinate on BBQ grills? Wouldn’t it now be a BBQ Pit?

Mister I don’t know what you did to that dog but he is just pissed at you.

Finally the four witnesses said what didn’t happen that way? The dog christening the BBQ Pit or the guy pointing the gun at the woman? Now I don’t know about you but if someone is pointing a rifle at me I think I would let my Pit Bull piss on his leg to distract him and then I would punch him in the stomach and pull his pants down and run away. But hey that’s just how I roll.

Monday 2/2/2009 (Humm quiet weekend on the crime scene)

1:11 p.m. Gas was stolen. It is not certain how.

Then how do you know it was stolen? Maybe it evaporated. Maybe it just disappeared into your own dadblamed gas tank and your just covering.

5:55 p.m. Two men allegedly beat up a registered sexual offender in Hungry Horse. The victim’s wife said they beat him up, called him a child molester and then left.

Don’t do the crime…. Sorry I have no sympathy here.

10:20 p.m. A woman called in because she was worried about her sister who is sick and waiting for a liver transplant.

See I just don’t understand this. Was she calling because her sister was sick? Was she calling to see if anyone had a really bad accident? Was she with her sister? Why didn’t she just call her sister and ask if she was okay.

Enid Borden: [Friday knocks on her door, she opens] What the hell do you want?

Joe Friday: [as he and Streebek show their badges] Police officers, maam.

Enid Borden: 'Bout time you pencil-dicks showed up. Why couldn't you have gotten here before that big bad stupid-looking piece of sewage breath stole my white wedding dress?

Joe Friday: 'Sewage-breath' is your little nickname for?

Enid Borden: Muzz. Emil Muzz.

Pep Streebeck: [Looks at Friday] Not much of an improvement.