Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Takes A Licking

One evening Trooper Bob and Trooper Ray were out on their regular patrol. They had made the rounds and had gotten their coffee to go from the local diner. They had called in to dispatch and were enjoying a cool spring evening. Then the call came in. “Dispatch to car 76” the radio announced. “Go ahead dispatch” was the reply from Trooper Ray. “We have a drunk and disorderly out on Hwy 181 at the Stab and Shout” dispatch reported. “Ten-four. We are in route” replied Ray. Trooper Bob nodded his acknowledgement and turned on the siren (SIGH-REEN). They careened around corners and sped through pasture land. They both knew that a drunk and disorderly at the Stab and Shout could result in a bloody mess.

Trooper Bob turned into the gravel parking lot and slid to a stop in front of the honky tonk. There in front of the establishment was a very intoxicated man. He was stumbling this way and falling that way and all the while wielding a knife and shouting at the by-standers. The troopers recognized the drunk as one of the regulars at the county jail. A particularly mean and surly fellow named Jesse. They assessed the situation and saw a man on the ground with a wound to his arm. “Come here you pig” he shouted “I cut you too.” Trooper Bob looked at Ray and they nodded. They unclipped the holder on their Sam Brown Belt and drew out their mace. Ray went to one side and Bob went to the other. The belligerent drunk turned toward Trooper Bob who took advantage of the opportunity and spritzed Jesse in the face. Jesse turned to get away from the burn and sting of the mace and lashed out with his knife at Ray. Ray jumped back but not before he hit Jesse with another douche of mace. This time it hit home and brought Jesse to his knees. He screamed and cried and clawed at his face. “You mother-f**’s” he screamed “You blinded me.”

The troopers let the mist fall and then each grabbed an arm of the blinded drunk. He immediately put up a fight. He twisted this way and turned that way trying to avoid the hand cuffs. The two troopers had been down this road before and with a bit of a struggle they were able to subdue Jesse enough to get the restraints on him. Then they fought some more to get him into the back seat of the patrol car. Unfortunately somewhere between knocking Trooper Bob’s Stetson in the dirt and kicking Trooper Ray in the family jewels, Jesse hit his head on the car door entering the back seat. This gave him a bit of a bloody nose and what would probably be two black eyes the next morning and along with the mace burning his skin and eyes he was not a happy drunk. His situation only made him angrier and more combative.

Trooper Bob picked up the microphone and called into to the Karnes County Jail. “This is 76, we have a suspect in route our eta is 20 minutes. He is combative and will need extra restraints” Bob warned the jail. The reply came back from the sheriff himself, “just bring him in. We’ll take care of him when he gets here.” Trooper Bob looked at Ray and said “I wouldn’t want to be Jesse tonight.” They both looked over at the writhing, bloody, pissed off drunk in the back seat and smiled.

You see the sheriff at that time was a man named Harper. Harper stood about 4’7” and thought he was 8 foot tall. He was a stern little man who didn’t take crap off of anyone, literally. He was stern and stout and took his job seriously and did so with an iron hand and a quiet sense of humor.

Harper met the troopers at the door and observed the hostile drunk for himself. He spat a brown wad of tobacco spit and drawled “Bring that summabeach over herah.” He then went to a cell in the back and opened the gate. There standing in the cell was one of the biggest meanest men the two troopers had ever seen. The giant of a man looked at Harper and said “Whatcha got there Boss?” and Harper replied “I got you a cell mate Joe. This ones been messin round with little girls.” Joe looked at the drunk and back at the sheriff and said “I don’t likes perverts.” Harper closed the cell and escorted the two troopers to the front office. The troopers got ready to leave but Harper said “You boys wait jist a minute. I’m gonna need your halp.”

From the back came such a noise. There was some screaming that they recognized as Jesse then there was some banging sounds and then there was quiet. Harper said “Ahright lit’s go git em” and started walking toward the back cell. Sure enough there on the floor of the cell laid Jesse out cold. Joe sat on his bunk looking at the officers. Harper opened the cell and Ray grabbed one arm and Bob the other to get Jesse out of the cell. They lifted him up to almost standing and started to another cell when a big old turd slid out of Jesse’s pants. Trooper Bob looked at Trooper Ray and said “Hum, I guess you really can beat the shit out of somebody.” The sheriff chuckled and said “happens all the time boys.”


Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

OMG Gladys, where do you get these stories? Every afternoon now, I look forward to your posts. They are so you think Joe beat or scared teh crap out of Jesse? LOL!!!

Train Wreck said...

That sound like an episode, off of one of those late night sitcoms! I'll bet he didn't learn his lesson, even after all that.

Anonymous said...

The ending of this post where Jesse poops his pants made me almost pee in mine! OMG! I love Trooper Bob stories.

Girly Stuff said...

How is something so disturbing so funny?

But it is...

I wondered what happened to all of these crazy people? I'm pretty sure I've had some of them as patients!

Mrs4444 said...

So, when is the book coming out? Great story!

Queen Goob said...

.....what about Joe? Where'd he come from, what was he doing locked up.....more Joe information, please?