Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 2/13/2009

*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times. *

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-13-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

TUESDAY 2/10/2009

2:14 p.m. A repo man tried to take a vehicle but was unable to do so. Apparently, the incident will have to be settled in court because the people in possession of the vehicle have a signed title.

If you have the title doesn’t that mean you have paid the vehicle off? Hey repo man maybe you might want to double check that paperwork

4:08 p.m. A man was walking away from his wife on Rocky Cliff Drive. She was yelling at him.

So that’s who called the repo man

5:05 p.m. Two men were pulled over on the side of the road. They were unable to speak English.

What were they speaking, Pig Latin? I can see the responding officer.

Officer: “Sir is there a problem here?”
Motorist:“It way appearsway eway avehay anray outway ofway asgay”
Officer: What? I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Motorist: “Oday ouyay eakspay igpay atinlay?”
Officer: “Why don’t you speak English like the rest of us. If you can’t speak English go back to where you came from!

5:42 p.m. A man chased four boys through a playground.

Well at least he was getting his exercise.

5:56 p.m. A white “Honda type” car tried to pass another vehicle on US Highway 93.

Can you imagine someone calling the California Highway Patrol because they got passed on the highway?

7:35 p.m. A group of people, who were drinking at a Montana Highway 35 bar, went outside and challenged the other patrons to fight. The bartender said all was square – the fighters had left.

But he didn’t say who he bet on and if he won or not.

7:40 p.m. Three boys were seen running behind a school in West Valley. A truck was then seen in front of the building. The incidents, according to the Montana Highway Patrol, were not related.

Was a man chasing them?

10:27 p.m. A dog was running around a trailer park. Someone thought that was suspicious.

A drug deal going down? Nope not suspicious. A car on blocks? Nope not suspicious? Screaming coming from the neighbor’s trailer? Nope not suspicious. A dog running around? NOW THAT is suspicious.

THURSDAY 2/12/2009

9:57 a.m. Two cousins got physical with each other in Flathead County. No one wanted to pursue charges.

In most states first cousins getting physical is against the law.

10:05 a.m. A woman on Spotted Bear Road called in because her boyfriend was late.

Late for what? Late for his period? Late for dinner? Late for his wedding?

11:30 a.m. Neighbors in Olney had a spat over a vicious dog.

Does this mean they sat and hocked up loogies over a vicious dog? I wouldn’t taunt a vicious dog by spitting on him with my neighbor.

1:17 p.m. An inebriated man called his neighbor’s wife a dirty name.

Oh come on tell us who it was and what he called her, then we will tell you if it’s true or not.

1:43 p.m. Someone said that their belongings were stolen.

Who is the ‘Someone’ and why are things always happening to them? Do they hang out with the nefarious ‘They’?

3:00 p.m. There was a disturbance on Foothill road. Apparently, three men had a dispute over wood. A pistol entered the equation too, but it’s not clear who brandished it, or why they did so.

So many comments that could be made here.
What was the dispute over? The size of their wood?

4:23 p.m. Checks on Montclair Drive were stolen.

Do people still use checks? I mean it’s not like you can buy coffee with a check or anything.

5:01 p.m. A man on Beach Road in Bigfork called authorities. He had called at least once before in the last 24 hours.

Oh THANK GAWD! I have been so worried!

11:21 p.m. A 50-year-old woman, who was intoxicated, refused to leave a bar in Lakeside. She was gone before when authorities arrived.

Sounds like she changed her mind

11:45 p.m. Someone thought a white Honda with tin foil covering all of the windows was suspicious. It was parked in an Evergreen parking lot.

See there is that ‘Someone’ again. Is this the same one that the occupants didn’t speak English? That was passing people on U.S. 93? Are we being invaded by Pig Latin speaking tin foil sporting wreckless driving aliens?

12:46 a.m. Bigfork, specifically Beach Road, is safe.

Mr. Kravitz appears to be back on patrol.
1:42 a.m. A drunken woman caused a commotion at a park in Kalispell.

Hey fellows! I think I found the beligerent lady from the bar.

FRIDAY 2/13/2009

8:23 a.m. Someone had been writing bad checks for coffee

Ok I think I know who stole the checks…

9:18 a.m. Someone in Hanover County, Va., is upset about services rendered in the Flathead. Apparently his or her watch is still broken.

Wow that ‘Someone’ really gets around. So ‘Someone’ is upset with services rendered 2700 miles away? How did it get fixed in Flathead in the first place?

10:12 a.m. Shots were heard behind a trailer court on Shady Lane.

So that’s not suspicious?

12:44 p.m. Someone’s identification was used to open a phone account.

Well they usually require you to provide I.D.

4:02 p.m. A woman left the country, but her sister held onto her ID and apparently used it.

Hey call me Colombo I think I’ve solved the case.

6:06 p.m. A truck driver struck a pole near the entrance of North Valley Hospital.

Well at least he didn’t have to go very far to the E.R.

Joe Friday Quote

[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]

Pep Streebeck: You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster. Friday: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?

Pep Streebeck: Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right


Jean Martha said...


Love it.

Queenie said...

Oh Gladys - there is no way you are Amy. You are Lucille Ball, Old Christine, Annie Oakley, Mae West and Madonna - all rolled into one! Don't you even try to deny it!

Goob said...

Thursday at 3:15 could not possibly have been written by the same person who wrote the rest of these entries...I mean, the word "brandished" was used, as was the phrase "entered the equation"...you tell me...I think there was a ghost writer involved in this here blotter! (and yes, they must certainly have been fighting over the size of their "wood"...lol)

Debbie said...

I love the one at the school where the two incidents were not related. They were reported - but not related!

Dawn Parsons Smith said...

Hilarious! I love your running commentary! Laugh out loud funny!

Anonymous said...

i am moving out west...if only to read newspapers with a police blotter like this one. thanks for the laugh!

United Studies said...

Those are too good!!

Oh, to live in a town where the most suspicious activity is a dog running around a trailer!

Queen Goob said...

I want to know what Tuesday's wife was calling her man as he walked away from her. I bet that was the same woman whose neighbor called her bad names – those guys are buddies.

Could you do us a favor and ask the reporting officers to add a bit more pizzazz to their reports? I mean come on – they have FANS! We want them to include some of these conversations verbatim, please.

And someone needs to go check on Mr. Kravitz; he’s just not as busy as he usually is, I'm a bit worried.

Katherine Roberts Aucoin said...

I need to move to this town! Hilarious! I wouold love to write for the police blotter. Gladys, this would be right up your alley, your are a talented writer.

Gladys said...

Y'all I have to tell you the Police Blotter is the highlight of my week. The guy who actually writes it is the master of vague. He is on vacation this week in Arizona but has promised to bring back reports from the town he is visiting. Next Thursday ought to be a doozy!

Ed said...

A trailer court on Shady Lane? That's just classic...

Meg said...

I love this series of posts and your sense of humor!

You have an award on my blog btw.

Have a beautiful day!

Ms Martyr said...

Sunday's Anchorage Daily News, "Alaska Ear" column:

POLICE BEAT . . . From the ever-earish online Unalaska police blotter:

"Suspicious Person /Activity -- A processor called 911 to report he was not getting as much work as he wanted at his plant. His company would not purchase him a ticket home and he felt this qualified as kidnapping. He was advised to contact management in the morning."