Just the Facts Week Ending 2/13/2009

*I have had several people ask if these are real calls. Yes they are and I have written them verbatim from the Flathead Beacon. I look forward to the weekly publication’s Police Blotter. It also has many interesting headlines and article that I’m sure you would not see in the New York Times. *

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-13-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

TUESDAY 2/10/2009

2:14 p.m. A repo man tried to take a vehicle but was unable to do so. Apparently, the incident will have to be settled in court because the people in possession of the vehicle have a signed title.

If you have the title doesn’t that mean you have paid the vehicle off? Hey repo man maybe you might want to double check that paperwork

4:08 p.m. A man was walking away from his wife on Rocky Cliff Drive. She was yelling at him.

So that’s who called the repo man

5:05 p.m. Two men were pulled over on the side of the road. They were unable to speak English.

What were they speaking, Pig Latin? I can see the responding officer.

Officer: “Sir is there a problem here?”
Motorist:“It way appearsway eway avehay anray outway ofway asgay”
Officer: What? I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Motorist: “Oday ouyay eakspay igpay atinlay?”
Officer: “Why don’t you speak English like the rest of us. If you can’t speak English go back to where you came from!”

5:42 p.m. A man chased four boys through a playground.

Well at least he was getting his exercise.

5:56 p.m. A white “Honda type” car tried to pass another vehicle on US Highway 93.

Can you imagine someone calling the California Highway Patrol because they got passed on the highway?

7:35 p.m. A group of people, who were drinking at a Montana Highway 35 bar, went outside and challenged the other patrons to fight. The bartender said all was square – the fighters had left.

But he didn’t say who he bet on and if he won or not.

7:40 p.m. Three boys were seen running behind a school in West Valley. A truck was then seen in front of the building. The incidents, according to the Montana Highway Patrol, were not related.

Was a man chasing them?

10:27 p.m. A dog was running around a trailer park. Someone thought that was suspicious.

A drug deal going down? Nope not suspicious. A car on blocks? Nope not suspicious? Screaming coming from the neighbor’s trailer? Nope not suspicious. A dog running around? NOW THAT is suspicious.

THURSDAY 2/12/2009

9:57 a.m. Two cousins got physical with each other in Flathead County. No one wanted to pursue charges.

In most states first cousins getting physical is against the law.

10:05 a.m. A woman on Spotted Bear Road called in because her boyfriend was late.

Late for what? Late for his period? Late for dinner? Late for his wedding?

11:30 a.m. Neighbors in Olney had a spat over a vicious dog.

Does this mean they sat and hocked up loogies over a vicious dog? I wouldn’t taunt a vicious dog by spitting on him with my neighbor.

1:17 p.m. An inebriated man called his neighbor’s wife a dirty name.

Oh come on tell us who it was and what he called her, then we will tell you if it’s true or not.

1:43 p.m. Someone said that their belongings were stolen.

Who is the ‘Someone’ and why are things always happening to them? Do they hang out with the nefarious ‘They’?

3:00 p.m. There was a disturbance on Foothill road. Apparently, three men had a dispute over wood. A pistol entered the equation too, but it’s not clear who brandished it, or why they did so.

So many comments that could be made here.
What was the dispute over? The size of their wood?

4:23 p.m. Checks on Montclair Drive were stolen.

Do people still use checks? I mean it’s not like you can buy coffee with a check or anything.

5:01 p.m. A man on Beach Road in Bigfork called authorities. He had called at least once before in the last 24 hours.

Oh THANK GAWD! I have been so worried!

11:21 p.m. A 50-year-old woman, who was intoxicated, refused to leave a bar in Lakeside. She was gone before when authorities arrived.

Sounds like she changed her mind

11:45 p.m. Someone thought a white Honda with tin foil covering all of the windows was suspicious. It was parked in an Evergreen parking lot.

See there is that ‘Someone’ again. Is this the same one that the occupants didn’t speak English? That was passing people on U.S. 93? Are we being invaded by Pig Latin speaking tin foil sporting wreckless driving aliens?

12:46 a.m. Bigfork, specifically Beach Road, is safe.

Mr. Kravitz appears to be back on patrol.

1:42 a.m. A drunken woman caused a commotion at a park in Kalispell.

Hey fellows! I think I found the beligerent lady from the bar.

FRIDAY 2/13/2009

8:23 a.m. Someone had been writing bad checks for coffee



Ok I think I know who stole the checks…

9:18 a.m. Someone in Hanover County, Va., is upset about services rendered in the Flathead. Apparently his or her watch is still broken.

Wow that ‘Someone’ really gets around. So ‘Someone’ is upset with services rendered 2700 miles away? How did it get fixed in Flathead in the first place?





10:12 a.m. Shots were heard behind a trailer court on Shady Lane.

So that’s not suspicious?





12:44 p.m. Someone’s identification was used to open a phone account.



Well they usually require you to provide I.D.





4:02 p.m. A woman left the country, but her sister held onto her ID and apparently used it.

Hey call me Colombo I think I’ve solved the case.





6:06 p.m. A truck driver struck a pole near the entrance of North Valley Hospital.

Well at least he didn’t have to go very far to the E.R.






Joe Friday Quote

[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]


Pep Streebeck: You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster. Friday: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?


Pep Streebeck: Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right